Cutting-Edge Comedy

"Come on in! Have a seat wherever you can find one!"

It's Saturday night and Homura was in the mood for some laughs, so you offered to take her to the local comedy club for a little date.

When you arrived at the venue, you were surprised to find that the place is packed tonight.

Homura spots a flyer on the wall as you walk towards the seating area and gives your arm a quick tug.

You turn around to see a mile-wide grin on your tan girlfriend's face. "Look!" she points, barely able to contain her excitement.

The flyer is announcing that tonight is the club's open-mic night, where anyone and everyone is welcome to take to the stage and flex their comedic muscle.

"If you want to go up there, go right ahead. I'll be cheering you on," you smile, knowing full well that her mind was already made up.

Of course, you have your reservations about letting her do this. You for one find Homura's jokes and impressions charming. It's part of why you fell in love with her to begin with. But you also know that most audiences she's performed for don't seem to share your taste.

You just pray that if she does go up on stage she won't embarrass herself too badly.

The main stage is brightly lit, overlooking a small sea of tables and chairs, almost all of which are full.

You and Homura sit down at an unoccupied table near the front just as a purple-haired girl in a black dress carrying a stuffed bear begins her ventriloquism act.

"Now Bebe, tell the nice audience that joke we practiced," the girl says to her bear.

In a completely different voice, the stuffed animal shouts out "KNEEL BEFORE ME, FOOLS!!!"

The audience is speechless.

"N-No! Stop it, Bebe!" the girl pleads, clutching her bear close to her enormous chest. "I told you, we were going to try to make them laugh tonight!"

"MAKE THEM LAUGH?" the bear replies. "YOU MAKE *ME* LAUGH! HEAR THIS, SIMPLETONS! RELEASE ME FROM THIS WORTHLESS SCUM'S FLESH-PRISON AND YOU WILL BE GRANTED POSITIONS OF POWER WHEN THE WORLD IS UNDER MY RULE!"

A few laughs can be heard here and there, but the rest of the crowd is understandably disturbed by what is going on in front of them.

The girl on the other hand looks like she's on the verge of tears.

"You always do this!!! Why did I let you talk me into this?!?" she sobs as she dashes off-stage with her bear.

After a brief pause, a handful of people politely applaud the abrupt end to this performance.

"She's... uh... pretty convincing," you say.

"Was that a routine or a cry for help?" Homura replies with a shrug.

 

Nobody seems to be rushing to go next so you give Homura a nudge.

"Looks like now's your chance. You're not having second-thoughts, are you?"

Homura stares blankly at the empty stage for a moment before standing up with a toothy grin. "Of course not! It's time to show them all what I'm really made of!"

"Knock 'em dead!" you say, giving Homura a light slap on the back as she marches towards the microphone.

Taking the stage, she announces "Hello, everyone! I'm Homura, and I sacrifice myself to the will of the routine!"

She is immediately met with strong applause. Anything to help the audience forget about the previous act would be welcome at this point.

Homura suddenly pulls out six swords that you realize you never even noticed she had brought with her. A few audience members are startled by this, but Homura quickly assures them "Don't worry, don't worry! They're all part of my act!"

Homura then unsheathes one of her swords and holds it above her head, making sure the blade catches the light of the spotlight. "About the swords, I prefer katanas, because there's a kaTONa jokes you can make with them!" she says, making a quick slashing movement and grinning towards the crowd.

The pun is met with a mixture of laughs and groans, but Homura is just warming up.

"Now, I've seen a lot of swords in my day, but none of them really CUT it for me!" she says, making another slashing movement on the punchline.

"Take a rapier for instance. Rapier than what? I don't want to think about it! Next!" This time she strikes a fencing pose, twirls her sword in front of her and makes a few light jabs as she says this.

"How about a broadsword? Yeah, everyone wants to have one of those! It's a sword for broads! No thank you!" She picks up a handful of swords, holds them together in both hands, and swings them around with exaggerated sluggish movements during her delivery.

"Dual wakizashi? They're too WACKY for me!" She takes a sword in each hand pointing backwards and spins in place a few times.

"I know a girl with a long sword she calls Hien. Now this is personal, but from what I hear her brother has a serious grudge against her because of this sword. And that's a real shame. I hope Hien she can work out their issues some day!" For this one, Homura takes one of her swords and sheathes it in a slow and dramatic fashion.

"I could go on and on, but you get the POINT by now!" Homura smirks, flashing one of her unsheathed swords towards the audience.

After each one of her jokes, the groans have steadily been growing louder and louder. It feels like you're the only person still laughing at this point.

Noticing this reaction, Homura arranges her six swords in front of her like a wall, balancing them on their hilts, and pokes her head over them saying "I hope you don't take too much off-FENCE to my jokes! I sure don't want anyone PICKETING my shows!"

"Someone, make it stop!" a scream can be heard from somewhere in the crowd. You worry that Homura won't last much longer at this rate.

Homura does her best to shrug off this growing animosity and continue her act. "A man was found passed-out in an alley behind a pair of restaurants. Turns out he was okay, but he could have been in big trouble. If they were taverns instead," she holds a pair of swords straight up in front of her and frowns, "he would have been behind bars!"

At this point the groans have been replaced by boos and a club worker is signaling for Homura to kill the act.

"Heh, l-looks like I've been given an order to SHEATHE and desist!" Homura calls out behind her as she packs up her swords and leaves. "Thank you and goodnight!"

 

Homura returns to your table trembling yet still trying to put on a confident face.

"It's okay," you try to console her as you get up and pull her into a hug. "I thought you did great."

"Th-Thanks..." Homura says, squeezing you tightly. "I've got one fan, at least."

"It could be worse," you reply, "and at least you tried. It was worth taking a STAB at!"

"Hehe!" Homura giggles as you take your seats and watch the next act together.