Riff Raff of A Cold Day in Canterlot

Okay so I lied, I'm gonna do a bit more detail than just going through the entire paragraphs.

>This is my first fan fiction and I really want feed back on it.
As far as I'm concerned, it would be better to put in the author's notes that isn't relevant to the story inside the description box, just create a line that differentiates the description from the author's note, although this is a personal opinion.


>I hope to be able to do more with these characters in the future.
Do more with original characters? Why would you start off writing original characters? But oh well, I guess it is 'your' story so to speak.


>I'd also like to thank Obabscribbler for inspiring me to write this and my steam friends for their support. Any way enjoy :3
Yes, okay, put the credits in the description of the story with a line that differentiates it, or make the author's notes only credits. Oh and fuck that stupid catface.


>Shadow Strike emerged from the Canterlot train station in silence,
Shadow Strike huh? Pretty edgy of a name if you ask me and why did you feel the need to tell us he did it in silence? How does this impact the story in any way?


>his ebony katana held closely at his side.
Anyway, continuing on... An ebony katana? Are you fucking kidding me? Holy shit this reads autistic neckbeard already, but I'll try to give it the benefit of the doubt.


>The thoughts of his most recent hunt in Los Pegasus at the forefront of his mind.
Gee, I guess the first thing people want to think about when they get off a train is the last people they murdered. But this must have been traumatic for Mr. Shadow Strike, so I guess it'll slide.


>Such a hunt was the kind of thing Shadow strike lived for.
What do you mean "Such a hunt was the kind of thing he lived for." that makes no fucking sense.


>Challenge, adventure, and the chance to sweep some thugs off the street.
Okay now it makes more sense, although wouldn't it be more coherent if it said these things first and than the follow up of such a hunt, etc. I'm not the best writer, but it still makes more sense than how it currently is.


>Al Capony
Al Capony eh? Okay, the name made me chuckle a bit, I'll slide it across.

>and his little gang were no match to Shadow strike’s skill and expertise.
They weren't a match for Mr. Shadow Strike? As in it didn't take any effort or what? This sentence alone makes it sound like we're going down the slippery slope of an overpowered character, but we'll see how this goes.


>The frigid air bit at shadow strike, and he retreated into the red scarf around his neck.
Standard issue atmosphere setting, moving a long. Oh wait a minute, a red scarf? This seems reasonable, if he isn't a shade of black that is and dear god have mercy on your soul if he is a shade of black.


>Used to the deserts to the south, the silver unicorn quickened his pace to get out of the cold.
Well see, now this makes his character seem even less interesting as we aren't given a back story of this guy. And dear god, lavender unicorn syndrome, but hopefully it hardly occurs, that and wow I'm surprised it isn't an original character with a black coat, I'm actually impressed.


>Nothing would be better right now than a nice steamy cup of hot chocolate,
Nothing goes with murder quite like hot chocolate, so if Shadow Strike is seemingly portrayed as a "badass" type character, then is this the implication that hot chocolate is in fact "badass" and if so, I'm in for one hell of a ride, with or without the badass hot chocolate.


>and Shadow strike knew just where to go to get one.
Thank god he knows his way around the city, I mean I don't want to have to sit through a story where he stumbles around Canterlot.


>Donut Joe's.
You just had to be uncreative and go for this fuckers shop.


>The earth pony
Thank god you told us donut joe is an earth pony, otherwise I wouldn't have ever known! But seriously, don't talk as if we don't know the characters, and avoid the lavender unicorn syndrome.


>had always been a good friend and information broker since shadow strike began his bounty hunting career,
Interestingly enough he's been a good friend of Mr. Shadow Strike? Since the start of his career? Man, I sure do love that back story we were given and wait it gets even better, Donut Joe is a information broker too! It's almost like my detective stories! (Sorta) But then again, I don't see this as much of a problem as he has no back story, considering Donut Joe is essentially a background character so anything goes I guess.


>even going so far as to offer shadow strike one of the extra rooms upstairs in his building when Shadow was on taking a rest between bounties.
Anyway thanks Donut Joe for giving this guy an extra room in your donut shop, because for some reason you have spare bedrooms in it... Fuck do you just live in this place or something? Get a fucking house Donut Joe, you poor ass motherfucker.


>As Shadow strike trotted through the street one thing caught him as unusual...
What could be unusual in Canterlot?


>the normally bustling street was all but deserted.
This is... Unusual to you? Besides what street are you on anyway? You could have ended up at the wrong turn and came to a street currently in its dead hour.

>The Unicorn looked around for a reason for this empty street and saw a street sign that answered his questions.
Whose this new character? Wait empty street? Oh sorry, I thought there was a sudden PoV switch. No less a street sign was able to verbally answer his question, man this Equestria sure is something.


>It read “One night only- The founding of Equestria Hearth’s Warming stage play- featuring the wielders of the elements of harmony”.
One night only for a stupid play? Shit I would rather hire a hooker for a one night stand, however, a play with the element bearers as the actors does sound pretty great.


>Ahh, Thought the bounty hunter,
Ahh? What do you mean Ahh? Did he just open his mouth as he began to form thoughts?


>its hearths warming eve. Everypony must be at home with family or at a cantina with friends.
No shit it is Hearth's Warming Eve, didn't you notice the snow? Or even, you guessed it, that the streets were completely dead? And what do you mean everyone "must be" is it some sort of curfew? And how does it apply to the homeless ponies?



>The thought of hearth’s warming day never did have a huge appeal to shadow strike.
It wouldn't appeal to me either if I was some "badass" bounty hunter named Shadow Strike that drank "badass" hot chocolate.


>The mercenary had few friends to spend the holiday with.
Okay wait, so he is a mercenary now? I thought he was a bounty hunter? I guess jobs change on the fly now eh? But anyway, I could imagine why he would have no friends, a guy named Shadow Strike whose both a mercenary and a bounty hunter who drinks "badass" hot chocolate, doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would have friends, if any at all.


>As he walked along, Shadow strike began wondering how Donut Joe was preparing for the holiday.
This sentence is so boring, and with the began stuff? I mean granted this is your first story, but try to make things show instead of telling us. However, why would Mr. Shadow Strike here care about some donut shop owner? Much less his preparations for the holiday, I mean if it didn't appeal to you, why would you think about these things. Are you giving me the implication that he is having a change of heart already?


>Shadow strike chuckled to himself
Well, not like he could chuckle to anyone else at the time, considering the dead streets and the interesting curfew; actually hey, why isn't Mr. Shadow Strike affected by the said curfew? Makes no sense he has immunity to it simply because he got off a train in silence.

>at the thought of cute little evergreen tree shaped donuts lining the donut shops shelves.
Although I guess little evergreen tree shaped donuts would be pretty tight, I can only imagine how difficult donuts are to mix up and bake, much less with hooves as an earth pony.


>Once again the cold blasted at poor Shadow Strike, who then proceeded to curse under his breath at the pegasi and them making this one of the oldest winters shadow’s ever experienced in Equestria.
What do you mean once again? Is the cold a gun or something? And I can't really feel for Mr. Shadow Strike here, he seems like a "badass" so he can handle a bit of cold being shot at him like a gun. And now you're cursing at the pegasi for doing their jobs? Wow, so "badass" and wait a minute, one of the oldest winters? Shit now we're introducing time traveling pegasai into the story? Man this just keeps getting better and better.


>Shadow strike saw the donut shop down the street and almost instantly began sprinting towards it.
Wait why is he sprinting towards the donut shop? Is he in trouble? Well okay, I would be too if time traveling pegasai were conjuring up some of the oldest winters to date, hell I would probably off myself in that event as I don't want to face a senile winter.


>The sooner he was out of the cold the better.
You don't fucking say? But this still doesn't explain why he just suddenly decided to go for a sprint.


>As he approached the donut shop the door swung open.
Automatic doors? Neat, though last I remember in the show, they were push and pull.


>Out of it stepped the donut maker himself,
Well gee who else would it fucking be? Princess Celestia?


>wearing a strangely worrisome look on his face.
Gasp! A worrisome expression! I wonder what it could mean, and wait, how is it "strangely" Does Mr. Shadow Strike here just not use expressions? Oh oh, I get it. He uses chuckles, silence and ahh's to communicate. Christ I'd say that is fucking brilliant for a mercenary bounty hunter.


>“Oh thank Celestia. Joe! Joe over here!”,
What the fuck do you mean "Oh thank Celestia." are you seriously in danger of something? I mean I guess this goes on the relation of the sudden sprinting, but I still want an answer to this.


>The silver unicorn shouted to get the earth pony’s attention.
And again with the lavender unicorn syndrome, author just write their fucking names or do something like "Shadow Strike shouted to get his friends attention" I mean we already know who it is and it is in a one versus one situation, so it isn't like it would cause confusion.


>The Donut maker quickly shifted his gaze to the bounty hunter, a look of slight relief appeared.
Turn to the left and oh! Mr. Shadow Strike is here at last! Maybe now he can put me out of my misery.


>“Shadow Strike! Oh thank Celestia! Come in quick. I need your help with something.”
What is it earth pony! What do you need my help with?


>Shadow Strike was off put by his friends bluntness.
I guess Mr. Shadow Strike just isn't use to people being blunt eh? But shit, the friend part is even emphasized, I mean thank god, otherwise I would have forgotten they were friends.


>Donut Joe never said anything to shadow strike after he returned from a hunt before a nice hearty laugh and greeting.
Donut Joe sounds like a cunt if you ask me, and after he returned from a hunt? Does he go to the rural town of Ponyville and hunt the animals of the Everfree Forest? Because that actually sounds much more interesting than a "badass" mercenary bounty hunter. And why does he not say anything before a hearty laugh and greeting?


>Something unusual must have got joe Worried, the hunter thought to himself.
Well no fucking shit detective mercenary "badass" bounty hunter, what dialed you into that clue?


>Shadow entered the shop and followed Joe upstairs to the living spaces.
Fastforwarding I see, smart.


>Joe unlocked the living room door and held it open for the silver unicorn.
Wait so he has a legitimate house on top of his donut shop? That sounds cool as fuck actually. Oh and how nice of him to hold it open like a gentleman, especially for a SILVER UNICORN.


>Shadow Strike couldn’t believe his eyes.
This made me laugh, simply because I like how this sentence sounds, I mean how can you not believe what you're seeing? Of course unless you're diagnosed with some sort of schizophrenia.


>In the room was one of the most beautiful mares the bounty hunter had ever set his eyes on.
Sounds like he doesn't meet a lot of women, but wait. I thought you said he couldn't believe what his eyes were showing him? Is he second guessing himself already?


>She was an earth pony, with a yellowish coat and a dark crimson mane tied back in a large ponytail.
She WAS an earth pony? Okay so, what is she now? And color scheme is a bit, something, it 'fits' to an extent but might need visuals to really see what it'll look like. And you don't really have to specify how large the ponytail is, because it highly depends on how thick your hair is, the length of it, etc. It also comes in a low end style or a high end, so it would be better to actually  describe something a little more flavorful.


>Then shadow Strike took note of the Mares cutie mark, a sniper rifle’s crosshairs above what appeared to be sunglasses, this tied in with the fact that a relatively large earth pony bolt-action sniper was strapped to the mare's back.
Wait when did he get a piece of paper and a pen? And oh god, it's fucking happening. A sniper rifle fucking cutie mark with a crosshair and sunglasses and oh god this is truly neckbeard /k/ommando style, but fuck wait, guns? Really? You couldn't fucking leave it at an ebony katana? You just HAD to add a fucking gun didn't you? Like what fuck reason did you have to do this.


>Joe went up to the mare then turned back to Shadow Strike.
Wow he is a slick and sneaky ass fucker, considering he held the door for us and even entered silently, unless we were in self doubt of our eyes to the point where we didn't even notice him the entire time and just looked like a teenager as if he's never seen a girl before.


>“Shadow, this is Long Shot. She’s another bounty hunter I deal with.”
Mr. Shadow Strike, here is another uncreative OC with an equally as uncreative name. Joy, and even worse, shes a bounty hunter too and much worse, she ALSO works with Donut Joe, like seriously what the fuck kind of market is this guy dabbling in on the side? Fuck let's just hope she isn't a mercenary bounty hunter, otherwise I would shoot myself with that bolt action rifle.


>The mare spoke with a voice smoother than a river cascading over a stone, “Nice to meet ya. So you’re the one who took down Al Capony and his little syndicate huh?”
This is in assumption that the reader knows exactly how smooth a river cascading over a stone is. And gee, you think it was me? Nah it was some other guy named Badass Strike, I'm just a new bounty hunter is all.


>Shadow answered “Indeed that was me”.
God, the atmosphere in this story has been utterly garbage so far, hell this sentence was devoid of any detail or emotion that I could get a robot to read this entire story and I guarantee it would be just as boring if not less, specifically for the sheer fact that it is a motherfucking robot reading it.



>Shadow Strike turned to the donut maker to avoid awkwardly staring at this “Long Shot” and asked “Now Joe, what’s wrong? Why did you usher me up here so urgently?”
Christ Mr. "badass" Shadow Strike "mercenary bounty hunter" who drinks "badass" hot chocolate, get it together, it is just a girl. You're a grown adult, and so is she, what the fuck is wrong with you. Plus if you're a mercenary bounty hunter, how come you haven't learned to keep your emotions in check? Anyway, so looks like Mr. Shadow Strike here is now questioning the urgency of things, I mean it's not like you sprinted over to the place.



>“Long Shot, bring it in”, Joe answered in a cryptic manner.
How is "Bring it in" cryptic at all?



>The mare nodded and went over to the couch that was facing the little fire place and picked something up.
Oh boy, this is where it starts getting good right? Hopefully? Maybe, we'll just see.



>A small bundle of cloth.
Wowo some fucking blankets? Really?



>She slowly began unwrapping it and was underneath those sheets made Shadow’s Jaw come unhinged.
Oh okay, so it was something wrapped in a bundle of cloth? But wait, if it made his jaw suddenly unhinge wouldn't that be painful and or otherwise require a professional doctor? Just questioning things.



>For it was a tiny changeling nymph.
Yawn, give me something interesting.



>The poor pink thing was was shivering and emaciated.
Well I could imagine it's either starving and or drained of something else.



>“I found her beaten half to death running from some gangsters”, Long Shot explained, “She lost them in an alley but passed out from exhaustion.
Oh no! Gangsters! Don't worry, let's just place a bounty on their heads so that Mr. Shadow Strike can take of them, as they are clearly out matched by his skills.



>I picked her up and brought her back here to warm her up but she has a dangerously high fever.
If this is a changeling, than how do you know if this isn't normal? Hell how do you even know it isn't some kind of different variant of changeling?



>I have no idea what she is or what to do so I brought her here.”
How could you not know what a changeling is? Were you born yesterday under a rock that was dropped off of a truck?



>“It’s a changeling. They’re a race of pony-like insects”,The silver unicorn said as he practically pushed joe across the room to get a better look at the small sack of pinkish exoskeleton.
Good thing at least one person knows what these are, I mean Donut Joe hasn't said shit so I'll assume he was smoking a fat joint when the Canterlot invasion happened.



>“You did the right thing bringing her to me, Miss Long Shot. Let me see her.”
Yes, you did the right thing by bringing something that potentially everyone in Equestria despises and by harboring one you are at risk of arrest. Good job!



>Long shot gently handed the changeling to Shadow strike.
These names honestly are really terrible.



>Upon closer inspection, Shadow saw the nymph’s horn, it was long and jagged, which meant this little changeling could be one of two things.
Okay now this might be a little interesting depending on how you perceive the jagged horn.



>She could be a stinger, the creme de la creme of the changeling military, females stingers were exceptionally rare but their power rivaled a changeling queen’s.
Alright I'll give you a point for a slightly interesting take on their military, however just for the sake of being correct here "crème de la crème" is what you're looking for as the little accent letters do mean a lot. Although two things strike me as odd, why are female stingers exceptionally rare? What about male stingers? And if their power rivaled a changeling queen, that really makes no sense because we've seen there really is no equals in the changeling hive, only queen's rivaled each other which is really obvious to say.



>The other thing this horn could mean was that the nymph herself was a queen, or at least will grow into one.
Nah obviously it is an exceptionally rare female stinger, I mean how could you deduce either or, when they're both equal in power.


>To find out just what this mystery nymph was, Shadow looked at the baby insect’s wings then legs.
Let me guess, he also looked at it's vagina just to see if it was fuckable?


>Only one set of wings.
Okay.


>Holes in the legs.
Uhuh.


>The bounty hunter couldn’t believe it.
What couldn't he believe? Was it his eyes again or was it something else.


>He was holding a future queen of changeling hive.
Ah, figures, but I still think this would be more interesting if it were a female stinger, I mean if they're as equal as a queen but not have any sort of rule in the hive, then they would be a bargaining chip that is easier to contain.


>Then Shadow remembered the more pressing issue at hoof.
If I will be honest, I kinda did too. So Mr. Shadow Strike isn't alone in this matter.


>This small creature was at death’s doorstep and he needed to save her.
Don't worry, Dr. Shadow Strike is on the case!


>Shadow strike began inspecting the poor thing for symptoms to find what was causing the fever.
Weren't you already inspecting this thing before? Or are you just trying to sneak in another vagina peak? Hell wouldn't you have noticed something if you were searching before.


>Gently, he lifted one of the changelings delicate, papery wings and found a tiny splotch of green contrasting against the nymph’s pinkish exoskeleton.
Okay so he just suddenly knew where to look, no less what was causing the fever is contrasting in color and somehow he didn't notice this before?


>Shadow pressed his hoof against the green splotch, It was rough, certainly not part of the carapace.
Dr. Shadow Strike, I don't think that is a good idea, I mean surely this stuff could spread to you and kill you.


>Shadow turned back to the two ponies in the room.
Oh yeah, there is another two people here, Ms. I-have-a-gun-in-Equestria and Information Broker Donut "I'm harboring Bounty Hunters" Joe, why did I even bother with this story.


>“She has a fungal infection called ‘Drag-wing’. It’s easily treated but we still need to hurry. If the fungus spreads to her lungs, she’ll stop breathing. Miss Long Shot, fetch me any retail bottle of perfume, most perfumes have the chemicals necessary to treat Drag-wing. Joe, I need you to warm up a small basin of water.  Warm water helps slow the infection”
Okay, so now I really want a back story on him because not only does he immediately know what the infection is even called, he even knows how to treat it. I mean sure, at least I know how to cure this if I ever contract it.


>The two ponies nodded and left the room, leaving shadow strike alone with the unconscious insect.
Oh he is gonna rape it isn't he?


>He saw the look of confusion on Long Shot’s face and knew what it was asking.
To be fair, I'm pretty confused too.


>How does he know so much about these “changeling” things.
You know I'm honestly wondering the exact same fucking thing, considering not even Celestia or Twilight knows much about them.


>Joe already knew the answer, but it was only a matter of time before the Yellow mare caught on.
Heheh, okay so, I can tell how this is gonna progress and It is gonna be the worst part of the story, I can already imagine it. Also you said 'yellowish' that implies it isn't exactly yellow, so what fucking color is she?


>Shadow pushed those thoughts to the edge of his mind and concentrated his attention on the shivering insect.
Oh it's still alive?


>He gently caressed the side of the poor things head with his free hoof.
Okay, this is really getting annoying "Poor thing(s)" just say changeling and be done with it, trying to put some level of emotion into an already shitty character isn't gonna do much. I mean not like this story has any emotion anyway, feels like a robot that has no grasp on writing is telling it.


>“Shadow, I got the water”,  Joe said as he entered the room, bucket in hoof.
It took you only a few seconds of time to get heated water, no less in a bucket and even got it up the stairs with seemingly no problems? Alright, I guess Donut "Earth Pony" Joe is just eager to see some shit happen, just like I am.


>The silver Unicorn responded “Ah, excellent. Hand it here.”
So who is this silver unicorn again? I've completely forgotten by now.


>Joe placed the basin at Shadow’s hooves.
Oh! That's right, it is Mr. Shadow Strike, silly me.


>The bounty hunter levitated the changeling into the bucket, his horn glowing a shade of emerald to match his piercing green eyes.
Mercenary Bounty Hunter* Not even the writer is consistent with him. His eyes are emerald? Or excuse, I mean a SHADE of emerald? Okay so he is a silver unicorn with green/emerald eyes, all we need now is his mane style and color and I will be able to understand what he looks like.


>As the nymph entered the warm water, Shadow Strike breathed a sigh of relief as the tiny thing’s body relaxed.
So is he just referring to it as a thing from now on or what?


>Shadow and Joe sat there in the dark room in silence until the donut maker spoke up and asked the question that had been bothering the mercenary for a while now “where do you think she came from Shadow Strike?”
Just how dark is it? Because dark normally implies that it is dark to where no one can see shit easily. Donut maker? Oh yeah, Donut Joe runs a donut shop and he isn't tending to any of the customers down stairs, surely this is bad for business right?


>“*sigh* must have been from one of the derelict hives. There’s no way in Equestria Chrysalis would allow a potential heir out of her sight-”
Did he just seriously say sigh out loud? And how does he if there is any derelict hives? Plus how the fuck does he know about how Chrysalis would handle an heir to the hive? This is just making less and less sense by the sentence.


>“Um... sorry buddy, but could could you me remind who this ‘Chrysalis’ exactly is again ?” the donut maker interrupted.
Okay so my earlier assumption is proved here, Donut Joe was legitimately smoking a fat blunt when the changeling invasion happened, either that or he was already stoned out of his mind during it.


>“heh. As I’ve said before, Chrysalis is the ruler of the United Hive, the largest changeling Hive known.”
heh nothin' personell kid.


>“oh”, Donut Joe answered, “Sorry for interrupting. Please continue”.
God this dialog is really badly formatted. "Oh. Sorry for interrupting, please continue," would have been better and less of an eye sore.


>“Thank you. But anyway, the real question is how she got all the way to Canterlot. It’s at least a 2 day long flight from the southern deserts, and thats for a FAST flyer. This little one seems barely old enough to hover, let alone fly cross country. And that raises other questions too, like ‘How did she get sustenance?’ or ‘Why did she come here in the first place?’ even.”
Well, if you don't remember, Long Shot brought this thing here so ask here. How do you know this? You're a unicorn not a pegasus, plus is the world in this story just really small or something? And a fast flyer huh? Who would you say is a fast flyer exactly? Considering the fastest flyer in the canon story is Rainbow Dash, so very likely she could go from the southern deserts to Equestria in a day if not less, but this is all assuming the world is incredibly small. No less how do you know the average age in which a pegasus or even changeling can hover? Scootaloo is flight impaired


>As Shadow Strike finished his thought, Long Shot  announced her return “Mr. Strike? I got the perfume for the baby bug.” She fumbled around in her saddle bag for a few seconds, pulled out a pink bottle and handed it to Shadow.
Well look who is finally here, did she just run out to go buy some? Although this is redeemed by the fact that she isn't referring to the changeling as a thing.


>Shadow scanned the bottle’s list of ingredients.
Gotta make sure there is no high fructose corn syrup!


>Once he had confirmed the concoction contained the chemicals he needed, he took a tissue from a box on a nearby end table and dabbed it into the aromatic liquid.
When did he confirm this? And now they're chemicals? Thought it was ingredients, oh well consistency is hard for a new author I suppose.


>Carefully, he picked the nymph and pressed the tissue against the infection.
Almost like a loving mother.


>Almost immediately, the green patch began shrinking until it faded completely from sight altogether.
What the fuck, I know this is Equestria where the magic happens, but considering it is gone completely just by a bit of touching from some random off brand perfume, it makes me wonder what they put in their products.


>The small larva’s breath became less ragged and for the first time, She opened her eyes.
Christ, I know the author is new and all, but this is moving way too fast. I can already guess that she is completely well and fine, no more infection what so ever.


>The tiny thing readjusted its eyes, trying to get her bearings on the strange new environment.
Hello little changeling, welcome to Canterlot where changelings go to die.


>Then, those beady, compound eyes focused on Shadow Strike.
Don't worry, he won't rape you yet.


>The nymph let out a soft, fearful chirp and lept out of his grasp, screeching in the changeling language, “Chearak noh frelieek tas pony!”.
So changelings chirp like birds? And looks like my guess was entirely right, she is completely well and fine. Wait what? Slow the fuck down, rewind two seconds back and repeat that, “Chearak noh frelieek tas pony!” You gotta be fucking kidding me, what is with this tryhard attempt? They speak fucking Equestrian/English in the show, why wouldn't they speak it now? No less unless the race is shown or officially said to speak or have its own language, don't do this shit as it doesn't add to the story and it only makes readers confused because I now want to know what she was even saying.


>The Little insect was downright terrified of the three ponies.
Two points of interest here. One, why did you capitalize "Little" And two, I also would be terrified if I woke up in the grasp of a shitty looking pony and two others that are questionable.


>Shadow turned to the two other occupants in the room and sighed.
Okay so what is going on now.


>He trotted over to the scared nymph and sat down on his haunches in front of her.
Is he gonna feed it love?


>Long Shot Look at the silver unicorn in confusion when a large wall of green flame erupted around him.
Oh god please don't go down this path, I could already tell it was going this way, but I still had hope it wasn't.


>Long scope began panicking but Donut Joe motioned for her to calm down, as if he knew what was happening.
Long Scope? Who is long scope? What happened to Long Shot? And again with the 'began' show that she is panicking, don't tell us about it.


>The flames began to subside, but Shadow Strike was no longer in the room.
Thank fucking christ, did the changeling just teleport them out of the room or something?


>In the unicorns place was a large horse-like insect with a purple, chitinous carapace and piercing green eyes.
...


>Shadow Strike was ,himself, a changeling.
Wow this OC is honestly the most garbage character I've seen in awhile. Not only is he a Mercenary Bounty Hunter, he has an ebony fucking katana, a katana for fuck sakes. He is also silver with green fucking eyes, and presumably is bald. What the fuck is with this shitty character.


>The pink changeling saw this new form and quieted down.
Thankfully shes quiet now, so I don't have to hear that shitty changeling language.


>Shadow lifted a claw and gently touched the base of the nymphs horn.
A claw? Excuse me, what? They don't have fucking loves, they have hooves just like ponies, what the fuck are you even doing at this point.


>“Now, now. shush. It’s okay little one. We aren’t going to hurt you”, The large adult changeling  assured the small larva.
You realize that is what most rapists or murderers say before doing the deed right. Okay so now she is no longer a nymph, but now a larva? Do you even know the definitions of these? Obviously not.


>“Now, why don’t you tell me  your name?”
Why should she tell you? Dr. Mr. Shadow "Changeling Mercenary Bounty Hunter" Strike.


>The nymph opened her mouth to speak, but instead of clicks and whistles, she spoke in fluent equish.
Now she is back to being a nymph? And why is she suddenly speaking Equestrian/English?


>“M-my name is... P-Pupa...”
Pfftfptpftt, holy shit that name is fucking garbage.


>“Pupa, huh? That’s a pretty name you have there. My name is Thanatyak, but everypony calls me Shadow Strike. Mind telling how you got here, Pupa?” The bounty hunter said gently, using his original name instead of his adopted pony name.
More like that is a shitty name you have there, and oh god I didn't think Mr. Shadow Strike could get any worse but he just fucking did. He even has his own little shitty changeling name in some made up language that was invented only sometime ago. Hell why wouldn't he just say Shadow Strike? It still fits his shitty character. Good fucking job Dr. Mr. Thanatyak "Changeling Mercenary Bounty Hunter" Shadow Strike, I wonder how long I can get this name by the end of the story.


>“I, um, was sent here. A gold pony slaughtered my hive, leaving only me alive along with one of our hive’s spell casters. She teleported me here before the gold pony could get me.” Tears began welling in Pupa’s eyes, eventually the dam burst and the pink nymph broke into a heart wrenching sob
You were sent here? The fuck. A gold pony? Closest to one would probably be royal guards in their gold armor. So wait, this fucker just decided to waltz up to a changeling hive and murder everything in there but decided to leave a nymph/larva and a spell caster alive? Sheesh sounds like he wanted to send a message and thought the nymph/larva was a female stinger.


>From behind, a confused Long Shot asked “How is she speaking equish now? Just a minute ago she was just chirping like a cicada.”
You know Long Scope, I'm asking the same thing.


>Shadow turned his head slightly and explained, “Changelings are capable of instantaneously learning any language just by touching their horn to anything that speaks the desired language. We evolved this trait to blend in more seamlessly during infiltrations.”
Wow okay, nice bullshit reason there author.


>The large changeling turned back to the sobbing larva and picked her up in his forelegs.
All the lavender unicorn syndrome is killing me here, aside from that you keep the inconsistency of larva and nymph, so that is also killing me.


>“Shhh, little one, it’s okay. You’re safe now.”
Nice reassuring, like that will fucking help.


>As Shadow Strike finished calming the sobbing changeling down, a loud crash was heard down below.
When did he calm her down? Oh and I forgot we were in a donut shop or the upstairs of one this entire time.


>Shadow Strike put Pupa down quickly, put his disguise back on and ran to the window on the other side of the room, where Long Shot Joined him.
You know you didn't have to add "quickly" I think I can already tell the urgency in the moment.


>Out of the window, the two saw a pack of ponies, each armed with some improvised weapon.
Improvised weapons eh? We talking about like lead pipes, or other objects?


>A large rust colored unicorn wielding a small hoof gun stepped to the front of the pack and shouted “Alright Joe, we know you’re in there. Give us the bug or that broken window is just the beginning.
Really? More fucking guns? Why would you add this shitty element to the story, plus this is in Canterlot, the capital of Equestria, no less where the two rulers of Equestria just happen to live, so how would gangs and crimes like this even form? Considering security in the city would likely be so fucking tight it would make the pentagon look like it has a bank level of security.


>A look of rage flashed across Long Shot’s face. “Those are the mother buckers who were chasing the little thing. Damn gangsters!”
Well gee Ms. Long Scope, how did you figure that? The fact that they are gangsters or the fact that they just asked for the nymph/larva? Besides why would they want it in the first place, it is a changeling.


>Shadow Strike unsheathed his sword.
How would you even fucking unsheathe a sword with hooves? And how would he even hold it anyway.


>The look of rage was replaced by a look of fear on the yellow mare.
Yellowish* mare.


>“Wait... you’re not going to kill them are you?”
Wait why is she concerned about this? Considering she has a fucking rifle, I don't see how she would have a fucking problem with killing, no less as a bounty hunter herself.


>The bounty hunter shook his head and pointed to the sword he held in his hooves, drawing attention to the faint green glow around the ebon blade.
How would he point to it, if he is holding it? This story is just making me ask so many fucking questions, and fuck why is it glowing? What could it possibly be?


>“The sword has a lethality enchantment. It’ll cut and bruise, but it won’t scar or kill unless I lower the spell.”
The fuck? A lethality enchantment? You mean you just made it fucking dull with a spell? Why didn't he just say "I made it dull with a spell" Christ Mr. Author, you're just making up as much bullshit as you can aren't you?


>Shadow turned back to the window and opened it.
He never looked away from the window or even turned away from it, so why are you telling me this.


>He stood up on his hind legs and leaped out to face the gangsters.
Wait, why the fuck would you leap out of a two story building? You're a changeling, so you seemingly have hardly any magical abilities at all, so what the fuck.


>His red scarf blowing in the breeze.
Oh right, his red scarf forgot about it. Besides that, when was there a breeze?


>The head gangster snickered and said "We got ourselves a hero boys. Get em."
Well that was rather quick.


>The gang turned to Shadow and began to come at him all at once, but Shadow had a plan.
God this story just keeps getting more predictable.


>Shadow Strike had perfected a spell, one that had saved his life multiple times.
Like I said, predictable.


>One of the gangsters lunged at the bounty hunter, but instead of contacting Shadow, the thug felt  a serious blunt instrument slam into the back of his neck.
Okay how the fuck did he just manage to do this? They have hooves, and it certainly wasn't held in his mouth or his magical aura.


>Shadow  knocked the stallion unconscious with the hilt of his blade.
Yes, we got that from the last sentence.


>As the limp body of the gangster hit the ground, Shadow Strike’s fabricated cutie mark, a red, polygonal zero with a slash through it, began glowing.
Oh come the fuck on, how you're referencing Borderlands 2?


>This was the spell that Shadow Strike invented himself, Deception.
Can someone please fucking kill me before I find where the author lives.


>The Spell worked by deploying a life-like decoy of Shadow, while also turning the real one invisible and granting him a significant increase to his speed.
The story just keeps on getting fucking worse, not only do we have a Zero rip-off, we have an overpowered OC no less.


>The glowing cutie mark was a way of confirming a successful takedown.
But if he is invisible how could we tell?


>Shadow Strike activated  Deception again and spoke.
Okay so there is no effort required to cast this overpowered spell? Not even fatigue or some sort of cooldown?


>“Leaves falling from trees/ Snow drifting unto the ground/ Consciousness fading.”
Wow okay so you take a direct quote from the game itself.

"Leaves falling from trees / Snow drifting onto the ground / Life leaving your corpse."

>The lead gangster, in a fit of rage shouted “You idiots! I don’t care if this freak speaks in haiku or whatever! Just bucking kill him!”
So uh, why don't you just shoot him?


>Shadow chuckled to himself at the foolish gangsters mindlessly attacking the decoy and at the gang leaders rage at his taunting poem.
HEH NOTHIN' PERSONELL KIIIIIID *TELEPORTS BEHIND YOU* *UNSHEATHES KATANA* *STABS YOU IN THE BACK AND LAUGHAS I WALK AWAY INTO THE SUNSET* This fucking story is turning out to be one bad underaged roleplay.


>To tell the truth, the bounty hunter enjoyed forming haiku and would often taunt his prey with them.
And it continues to get worse, when will this fucking story end.


>Once again, the pony-disguised changeling moved in, taking down three gangsters with slice that, if not for the enchantment on his blade, would have severed their legs.
Who is this pony disguised changeling again? Hell is this character Zero from BL2 or what? Because I have no fucking clue anymore.


>“I disappear/ A ghost amidst the combat/ Preparing to strike.”
Another quote taken directly from the game.

"And I disappear / A ghost amidst the combat / Preparing to strike." Hey author think you can get original here?


>Shadow knocked a the last of the thugs out and sheathed his sword.
That was the worst fight scene I've ever seen, granted not much you can do when your OC is taken from a game and is made extremely overpowered.


>Analyzing the former battle field, he took note of something.
Battle field? How was it a battle field? All you had to do was use your bullshit OP spell and be done with it, like took you all of a minute just to stop them.


>That there were not nearly as many gangster as he thou-
Knew it. I fucking knew this was gonna happen.


>“HYARGH” Shadow heard a voice cry out from behind. Shadow Strike reached for his blade but it would not budge from its sheath.
Again, I fucking knew this was gonna happen.


>Celestia damn it, the mercenary  thought to himself. Why do you have to get stuck now you stupid piece of junk!
What does Celestia have to do with this? But glad to know you still have his job listed as inconsistent.


>Shadow Strike’s thought was interrupted by a loud bang.
Gee, I wonder what that could have been, hopefully the lead gangster shot his fucking ass already.


>A gunshot.
Oh thank god, Dr. Mr. Thanatyak "Changeling Mercenary Bounty Hunter" Shadow "Ripped from a game" Strike


>The bounty hunter looked up to see smoke pouring from a sniper rifles barrel pointed out the window.
Oh forgot about Long Scope. So why didn't she help in the beginning of the fight anyway?


>He turned around and saw the gang leader struggling to keep his equilibrium, with a tranquilizer dart embedded in his neck.
If the leader had a gun, why didn't he just shoot him instead of announcing his presence? Hell why is he and Long Scope even playing passive?


>“Damn it. I ain’t.. given’ up... mother bucker. Black sun... will rise”, with that word, the thug fell to the ground.
All... Those.. Ellipses... With that word, I died of a gunshot wound.


>Shadow Strike reentered the shop and went back up to the room where Miss Long Shot, Donut Joe, and Pupa were waiting.
So you're just gonna leave their bodies there? Not gonna call the royal guard to come clean them up or something? Hey wait a minute, aren't we in the middle of an old winter? You realize they'll just freeze to death out there.


>Joe was on the Phone, presumably calling the authorities, and Long Shot was cradling Pupa.
Phone? Shit what, just how far into the future is this story set?


>Approaching Long Shot, Shadow asked inquisitively “Who were those gangsters exactly?”
Didn't you listen to what he said? He just said "Black Sun" so I would fucking guess their gang is called Black Sun.


>Responding with more than a hint of disdain, the sniper explained “The creeps call themselves the ‘Black suns’.
Yes Long Scope, we fucking know.


>Their small time nobodies trying to make  name for themselves through whatever means possible.
They are pretty ballsy to start crime in Canterlot.


>Extortion, blackmail, You name it.
So they're just like any other gang?


>Rumor has it that they even once tried to set up a brothel here in Canterlot before some other gang came and whooped their flanks."
Well considering there doesn't seem to be anything against brothels or prostitutes in Equestria, I guess it would come down to gang territory, but again this is Canterlot, why is there even any gangs here? This story is already sounding like it should have been based in Manehattan.


>Shadow Strike shuddered.
Didn't know an emotionless being could do that.


>He hated prostitution and whorses with a burning passion.
Wow so his character gets even more 2D than he already is.


>He pushed the thought out of his mind and said to the sniper “Thanks, by the way.”
Holy shit did he just say thanks? I never thought his shitty character could do it.


>The mare seemed surprised for some reason. “Wait...Did you just...thank me?”
I would be too if some emotionless robot thanked me.


>Shadow Strike, equally confused at Long Shot’s reaction responded “Yes... Is there a problem?”
I would say there is, you emotionless fuck.


>The yellow earth pony laughed a hearty guffaw and said “Heh. Naw, it just seemed like you were the kinda mysterious warrior kinda stallion. Y’know?
Laughed a hearty guffaw, this is some really odd word choices, but her initial assumption of what he was is pretty accurate.


>The kind thats all like ‘I didn’t need your help. Stay outta my way, I work alone.’
At this rate, he probably is that type.


>But if theres one thing you taught me tonight, it’s that looks can be deceiving. Heh.”
That was the first thing in this entire story that actually made me forget how bad it is by a slight amount, that was a well placed pun despite being the easiest one in the book. Points for that.


>The changeling shared in her laughter for a little bit but then bent down to look at Pupa. “Hey, little one. You okay?
Wait what? Is Long Scope a changeling too?


>The pink nymph nodded, still obviously scared and nervous.
Obviously.


>Then shadow strike had an idea.
So who is this changeling from before, and why are we switching to Mr. Shadow Strike's PoV again.


>Once again, the bounty hunter lowered his disguise and reached into the pack on the strap of his sword’s scabbard.
Which disguise? His pony one or his changeling one? Because at this point I have no fucking clue anymore.


>He pulled out two pieces of carved wood and plugged them into the holes on his leg.
Pffffft, okay what the fuck is he doing.


>This was a changeling instrument called a “leg whistle”.
Fuck this should have been tagged as a comedy.


>Shadow strike only knew one song, but luckily, it was a lullaby called “Queen Papillion’s Aria”.
So who is this newly named queen? I kinda want to know about Papillion now.


>The bounty hunter began playing the soothing ballad, after a few moments the tiny changelings eyes grew heavy and she fell asleep
So why is everything so fast paced in this story?


>Shadow took the pieces of wood out of his leg and put them back into his pack.
So why the fuck does he carry around wood with him? And I don't mean his cock.


>He began to gently stroke the sail atop the sleeping nymph’s head.
Sail? What the fuck are you talking about.


>A few minutes past in silence, until Long Shot broke it. “So.... How did you fall into the bounty hunting business?”
Finally, some fucking back story. Let's just hope it isn't horribly autistic or predictable.


>Shadow looked away. His purple carapace gleaming in the light of the fireplace.
Wait when was the fireplace lit?


>“Heh, that takes me back.... I was a war hero in the changeling army after the battle of Horn Valley during the war between my people, and the dragons.
Throw that last hope out the window, because it is about to get really predictable, starting with "Oh I was a war hero" Sure he is a changeling mercenary bounty hunter with an ebony katana that is written as an OP character, so I guess this was inevitable.


>we made our last stand there at horn valley, a place the ancient changelings regarded as a sacred site.
So, where is Horn Valley located? Because the very last time I checked the official Equestria map, there is no such thing as "Horn Valley" But it sounds important now because it is said to be sacred.


>My brood brother, Cocoonis and I led the soldiers into battle and barely squeaked out in victory.
More shitty changeling names? Really?


>We were seen as heroes to our people,
No shit you were seen as heroes, you seemingly won a war so of course you are gonna be seen as a hero.


>our queen even asked us to become brood fathers, to pass our genes down to another generation,
You were gonna get to fuck the queen and impregnate her? Damn that sounds pretty fucking awesome.


>one of the highest honor that can be bestowed upon  a changeling,
So fucking the changeling queen is the highest honor a changeling can get? Where do I sign up? I murder anyone just to get that sweet, sweet queen pussy.


>but for some reason, Cocoonis became distant
At least we now know he is gay.


>Then, about ten years before the return of Princess Luna,
How would you know it was ten years before the return of Luna?


>Cocoonis went rogue and I was tasked with bringing him back.
Well obviously your the only one that would be capable of getting him back.


>I found him... but... he wouldn’t return with me.
I don't think I would want to return with a shitty OC either. Hell Cocoonis, despite his god awful name, sounds like a better character to write about.


>Not peacefully anyway...
Looks like he is forming a life, gasp!


>Said something along the lines of ‘I’m sick of being a slave to the queen. I want my own life, one where I can decide what i want for myself’.
Speak of the fucking devil.


>I was forced to fight him...
So uh, why were you forced to fight him? If you were tasked to do this, shouldn't that imply you went alone? And even then who forced you to fight.


>My brother and best friend... I couldn’t defeat him,
It was probably because he was an exceptionally better fighter than you.


>but despite my expectations... he let me live.
Okay so I take back my statement of Cocoonis being a better character. Because he is written as even more fucking overpowered than the main character.


>I couldn’t return without him, or I would have been executed for treason.
Wait what? How does this make any sense at all.


>I made a coward's decision and fled for Equestria.
Oh! Now this makes some more sense, this was being told when he was in the deserts. Heh, no wonder I haven't heard of Horn Valley. But now I want some back story on this valley.


>Eventually I met Joe being harassed by some goons and helped him out...
Holy shit we finally get to know how you two became friends, this is just amazing.


>After that we just kinda fell in with each other.
So you two are gay lovers?


>Joe suggested that I put my combat talents to use and become a bounty hunter.
The fuck? Why would a donut shop maker suggest that? Why wouldn't he suggest to apply to the royal guard.


>Ten years later and here I am. So what about you? How did you fall into the bounty hunting career? "
Finally this entire fucking paragraph that consisted only of this fucker speaking is finally over, thankfully we won't have to go through another one.


>Long Shot shook her head "I guess its only fair to tell you, huh?" The yellow mare said.
Well no shit it is only fair, fucking stupid bitch.


>"I never really thought I would become a bounty hunter... But when I was just a filly...my parents were...attacked."
Oh boy, so she is a troubled character with a horrible past? Color me unsurprised.


>Tears began to well in Long Shot's amber eyes.
So why weren't we given descriptions on how these two OCs looked?


>"Some psychopathic earth pony just came in and sliced them open...
How is his race relevant to this story?


>Kept shouting his name as he cut into them... 'Blitzkrieg'...
So some Germane pony? Neat.


>I became a bounty hunter just so I could feel and him and put him in his place... Six feet under..."
This entire sentence is just a huge clusterfuck of confusion.


>"I'm ...I'm so sorry..." Shadow Strike said.
No you aren't.


>"Wait... I've heard that name before... Blitzkrieg, wanted for suspected murder of 12 different victims.
I wouldn't expect any less from an overpowered character.


>I've been trying to find that guy too!" Shadow exclaimed.
So are you trying to console her or what?


>What seemed like an eternity of awkward silence passed before Donut Joe walked in.
When the fuck did he leave?


>“Well the police have come and arrested those thugs.
You mean the Royal Guards?


>But it seems I won’t be able to visit my cousin
Oh boy, we get another shitty OC.


>Bon Bon in Ponyville tomorrow for Hearth’s-Warming day.
I... You know? This actually makes sense.


>Gotta take care of this little thing”
Thing? What thing?


>the donut maker said pointing to Pupa.
Oh, she has a name you fucking idiot.


>Shadow stood up and said “No, Joe its okay. I can take care of her. You go visit your cousin, I’ll go find a hotel or something when she wakes up.”
Yes, cause, that doesn't sound creepy.


>“Well...Okay I guess. I appreciate it Shadow.”
Looks like Donut Joe had the same idea, too bad Mr. Shadow Strike will break in the changeling first.


>“Don’t sweat it. It’s my pleasure.”
I think he was more disappointed that he couldn't fuck it.


>About an hour passed before Pupa woke up.
Out of the blue time jump eh?


>Shadow Strike looked at the tiny creature and asked "Little one, do you have anywhere to stay?"
So now you're calling it a creature?


>Pupa looked at the purple changeling and answered, "nu huh"
Wait a minute, so his entire coat is purple? What the fuck? He just keeps getting worse and fucking worse.


>"Well, then... Do you wanna stay with me for a while? Us changelings have to stick together."The bounty hunter said in a gentle tone.
Can you get any fucking creepier?


>he tiny pink nymph's eyes grew wide. "Um... O-okay."
Wow even she doesn't trust him.

>Shadow Strike smiled.
That must be scary.


>Pupa trusted him. A queen, or rather, queen to be, trusted him.
How does he figure?


>It wouldn't be the first time, but Shadow wasn't going to let Pupa down like he did Chrysalis.
Now we're throwing in Chrysalis into the mix? The fuck?


>"Oh. I forgot to ask. Pupa, you know how to disguise, right?" Shadow said.
She is a fucking changeling, of course she would, you colossal retard.


>The nymph nodded yes and took the form of a pink unicorn filly.
I forgot, is she a larva, a nymph, a creature, a thing, a bug, or what? Just tell me what the fuck is she.


>Shadow removed the red scarf he was wearing and placed it around Pupa's neck. "There", he said. " Now you won't freeze to death."
What do you mean freeze to death? Your in the upstairs part of a donut shop that is seemingly a house, there is even a lit fireplace.


>Pupa giggled in a soft chirping voice as Shadow wrapped her up in his scarf.
Soft chirping? As in a bug or a bird?


>"That should do it. Now let's go find some place to rest. I bet you're exhausted." Shadow said, beckoning Pupa to his side.
Yes, go find a hotel where you can fuck her tight virgin holes.


>As bounty hunter walked out the door of the shop he heard Long Shot call to him. “Hey Shadow Strike! Wait up!”
Oh yeah, that's right, Long Scope is still here. Wait was she still crying the entire time?


>Shadow turned to face the yellow mare. “Yes, Miss Long Shot?
She is gonna confess to you, I just know it.


>The earth pony’s face blushed slightly, “Well, you seem pretty nice and i was wondering.... Would you like....to hang out sometime?”
Close enough, it will have the same outcome anyway especially when they blush.


>The mercenary giggled as he spat out a response “I thought you'd never stutteringly half ask.”
What is with his response? Stutteringly half ask? The fuck kind of English/Equestrian does he speak?


>Long Shot face regained some of it’s color. “ummmm.... So that’s a yes?”
This is fucking weird. Long Scope face, you mean Long Scope's face?


>“Yes. I’d love to.” Shadow Strike confirmed.
Confirmed.


>“Oh... good.... well then... see ya around?”
Is she a teenager by chance?


>“yeah, see ya.” And with that, Shadow Strike walked out of the donut shop with Pupa at his side into the cold winter air.
Thank god it is fucking finally over.


Overall this story was completely garbage, it is full of grammar, punctuation and spelling mistakes. Extreme levels of L.U.S. Not one, not two, but three shitty original characters, one of which was written extremely overpowered whom was also ripped off from a game and let us not forget that he is a fucking changeling no less. The other two characters are pretty boring and uncreative too, not to mention they both have a tragic past.

Continuing on, the story is also extremely fast paced and was more of a pain than anything to read, best way to put it, was that it was filled with so much telling that it was just that. A story, there was hardly any showing in it and I honestly find this story to be a complete trainwreck.

And to be honest, one of the best things you can do for this story is to delete it and try again with another story idea, either that or do as follows.

Remove the tags "Romance" and "Adventure" because they do not fit the story what so ever. There is no Romance in the story at all and further more there is no adventuring either.

Add the tags "Random" and "Crossover" as these tags describe the story more than the previous too and here is why. Crossover is self explained but I will say that your character is just an obvious rip off of Zero from Borderlands 2, so it would honestly be better for the story if you wrote that it is a crossover of Zero from BL2 as a pony, because it is so obvious in the later parts of the story. Random tag is also self explained but here let me say that this story makes absolutely zero sense, it has so many fucking random elemants in it that I just have zero clue even after reading it for a second time.

Another thing is that you should remove the character tag "Chrysalis" and replace it with "Changelings" because she does not show up at all in this story, also add the character tag "Other" because Donut Joe is a vocal point of the story for some reason and he doesn't have a character tag, so it would be wise to add "Other"

To be completely honestly, there is no redeeming this story at all, to the point where it should be rewritten with help from an experienced writer.

One last thing, you will find constructive criticism out of this, so don't immediately assume I'm tearing your story part just for fun.