to cindy

Let me just take the time to explain. Explain what has been going through my head these past few weeks.
I can't get you off of my mind. You are the last thing I think about at night when I lay down to sleep and the
First thing on my mind when I wake up the next morning. I spend all day thinking about you. Every now and then
I like to look back. Look back at how things were.  Every time I look back at us I think about the first time I really
Spoke to you. It was when we first opened. I was super nervous to even ask you for your name that I just looked at the schedule.
       You had just moved here and so when I messaged you the first time I didn't have the highest hopes. I had gone through school being the guy that no one really talked to, but everyone knew. Any girl that I had ever talked to in school that I liked just looked at me as a friend, and so when I first messaged you I took a thought and realized I didn't want the next girl to treat me as just a friend be you. I looked at you as someone who I wanted to spend a lot of time with. And we did spend a lot of time together. While I was off work for my leg, you were the first person to message me, to me it seemed like you were the only one who cared. Asking you to come over to my house was probably the hardest thing I've ever done, I've never had a girl over at my house, let alone in my room. We had a really fun time. When I took you home that night, I had no intention of kissing you, but it happened. That was one of the best nights of my life, kissing a girl for the first time. I went home so happy that I didn't care what happened. Then things got a lot better, we saw each other more often, we cuddled together and watched movies. When your mom said all those things to you before your birthday, i was ready to stop whatever i was doing just to be with you. When it was pouring outside, I held you close just to make sure you were ok. I loved you so much. We were just like a couple. Which is exactly what you didn't want. After realizing that, you wanted to stop, so I agreed. Which has been the hardest to me. Looking back I can't imagine how things would be without you. Like every human on the planet I at time deal with depression , anxiety , and stress. However , when I talk to you everything just seems to fade away. Just hearing your voice makes me so happy. Hearing your laugh , your genuine laugh , makes me so happy. Seeing your beautiful smile though brings the most unexplained feeling to me.  I know that I've spoken to you before about how I feel about you. I understand that the feeling is not mutual. I can't tell you how many times I've heard those words. However , with every girl that ever said something like that to me I instantly just gave up. I dropped everything and walked away from the person immediately. With you it was different. In a way I'm ok with you not feeling the same way. Truth is I'm just so fucking happy that I get to have you in my life. I'm so happy that I get to say that you are my best friend. I'm so happy that when I wake up every day I get to look forward to talking to you and spending the majority of my day with you. I don't say this often to people and truly mean it but it fits here. Cindy , I love you , I'm in love with you. I don't know why I'm so scared to ever say those words to another person but I do. I truly love you. You are the number one person in my life right now. You come before everyone else. I want you to be as happy as possible. I want you to have everything and more because you're so special you deserve it. I want you to be treated everyday as the special , amazing person you truly are. I know that you may look back and think you have never really done anything good. You may think you don't deserve all of this. When I look at you I get a feeling that I've never felt before. A feeling that is almost impossible to explain. I see a picture of you or see your face and I just lose my mind. No matter how bad of a day I'm having just seeing your face makes it all fade away. You are so perfect to me. You may not feel the same way and I may not be the guy who makes you feel as happy and safe as you deserve. I'll try my hardest though , I guarantee you that. If you want me to just be your friend I will be the greatest best friend you have ever had. I've seen way too many people I care about slowly distance from me and become just some familiar face. I know that I keep hearing people say that they don't think you are going anywhere but you can never be too careful. I've seen it happen before. You've become such a big part of what makes me happy , what keeps me going. My biggest fear right now is losing you. I know that I have no reason to believe you are going anywhere it's just. You mean so much to me. I've wrote a dozen messages explaining it but none of them have ever truly captured how much you mean to me. I don't think you will ever understand how much you mean to me. I was a real shut in before I met you. I didn’t really allow anyone to get close to me. However you seemed to just trust me one night. You told me everything about you and it broke me. In a good way because since then I've been incredibly open with you. We’ve been through quite a bit together. I will always be that person you can talk to no matter what , about anything. However , these next words are serious. If I don't get this out I'll drive myself insane. I can't keep going with bearing these thoughts any longer. Ever since you told me you did not feel the same way. I've refused to believe that. I've kept on going with the hope that you will someday feel the same way about me. I realize now I can't do that. Here is the truth. I spend every single day thinking about you. Every time I see your face I smile in just pure happiness. I think about how I'm so lucky that you allow me to be so close to you. I think about how we spent every day talking all day. However , that happiness fades. It turns into a feeling of being anxious. I start thinking about how the person who means the most to me may never ever feel the same way about me. I think about how I would literally give anything up in this world for you. I worry that you will never fully understand how I feel. I worry that all of the effort I put out is for nothing. There are times where I feel completely unappreciated. I write out paragraph after paragraph to you and usually only get a few words back. I understand that it may be difficult to respond to something like this but it just hurts to lay your feelings out to someone you love and to have them just say a few generic sentences. You should understand now that you more important to me than anyone. You should understand that I have insanely strong feelings for you. What you don't know is that I'm suffering in my own thoughts. It's so fucking scary to live everyday thinking that the person you care and love for the most may never have those kind of feelings for you. To think that everything you dream of is clearly not possible. Part of me wants to give up and just say fuck this. I'm done suffering in my thoughts. Another part of me holds onto the hope that maybe one day you will feel the same way. It reminds me that you are worth everything. I've never fell for someone's personality like this before. The one who's smile warms my heart more than anything. The one who's laugh sounds so genuine that it's hard to be upset around you. I've seen myself be the happiest I've ever been with you and I've also see myself be the saddest and most depressed I've ever been. That proves to me that you belong in my life. I guess the only thing for me to do at this point is give up on us ever being a thing, Even though you are someone I never want to give up on. I just can't mentally handle the thought of fighting for someone who doesn't even think of me like that. If I love you , I should let you go. I'll always feel this way. That will never change.  I'll always be your friend. I just have to figure out my way over this.