PWP 147: Cranberry rubdowns for Christmas: Iyaz's notes

Watching with laptop to take notes. Note taking software is in full screen. 80-minute film, so that seems almost tolerable.

Intro:

- We start with KC sitting in a living room talking directly to the audience proclaiming his Xmas love.
- "Have you noticed there are some people who want to put a big wet blanket on all of this?" [referring to Xmas]. "You take your private stuff and keep it in your house." He says that like it's wrong. KC is also against the people who mention the traditions have nothing to do with actual Xmas.
- We need a voice to remind us of the true meaning of Xmas -- is that KC's voice? No, he's invoking SC

Movie begins: Camfam

- Serious music, seems like a while ago. Someone is here to see a guy. KC is the narrator. He says "stories are tricky things" (seems like this will be used as knock on the movie itself)
- My dog is snoring on the couch, she is more interesting than the movie so far.
- Cut to present day. Guy opens two doors and then we get upbeat music with a ska version of "Holy Night" playing w/ a cartoon retelling the whole Jesus birth thing.
- Okay - so the title is officially "Saving Christmas." I thought potentially this movie was about KC saving xmas (as in the 's was for IS, not possessive)
- The Party [I assumed we'd get out of the party at some point, hence this formatting. 41:49 in, that doesn't look like it's happening]

    - KC is the narrator and he's talking to his sister. Uncle Bill is playing SC - UB doesn't have a job (like another famous UB -- Uncle Buck). Christian isn't into Xmas this year. A little on the nose, no?
    - KC screams "Who wants hot chocolate?!" and many children run up to him.
    - My guess is Christian is the guy in the ugly sweater, glasses --> yup. Christian is the brother-in-law of KC. We're seeing Christian's pov -- with horror music. Materialism/paganism -- considered part of the bad part of Xmas? KC sounds like saying that has nothing to do w/ Xmas.
    - Deandre is here. He's kind of a stereotype. He even called corporate "the man." "We gonna march if we have to." "My people came in and telling us what to do..." Is he talking about slavery? He then continues talking to Christian, but C tunes out D.
    - "When we see someone struggling at Christmas, we should reach out" - KC. Meddler.
    - KC finds C in the car. He says the C character needs an intervention. KC's motivations are as clear and one-dimensional as Batman in Batman v Superman.
        - Time to find out what's up with C: C essentially says paying for toys that don't get played with after some time could be better spent like feeding the hungry or digging wells for the thirsty. He says about xmas "This cannot be what god wants"  To his credit, KC is listening the whole time w/o interrupting. C says "This is not what Christmas is all about."
        - Annnd, KC says "You're all wrong... about everything you just said." "You swallowed the whole thing. Guess what? Everything you saw inside there... it's all about Jesus. And you're spoiling the whole thing... not just for your wife, but for everyone in that house."
        - C - "explain to me... how that Xmas party honors and glorifies Jesus."
        - KC: visualize the snow globe --- now we see the snow globe. Now, we're somewhere else -- a cave. We're going through an extensive retelling of the birth of JC, talking about swaddling cloth. Cloth couldn't hold him in death? Now the 3 wisemen: burial scents (? funeral things?). "A baby who came to die." <-- annnnd TITLE.
        - 26:45 -- ready to go to another screen, but trying not to.
        - KC didn't exactly explain who all the things relate back to Jesus.
    - Deandre talking to some guy who raps about the war on Xmas. He says everything behind a mug... That guy is a conspiracy nut. Talking about honey bee shortages, pink slime, "I saw it on Fox News, so you know it's true."
    - Back to the car w/ KC and C.
        - Xmas trees not in the bible. It's pagan. Jesus not born in December. KC asks which gods did the pagans pray to and what month was JC born in. KC says the tree is about idolatry, fertility, eternity. C says the druids made people wait for gifts (?). "Where are Xmas trees in the bible?" They're making C look a bit crazier in this scene.
            - Now we're at a tree lot.
                - the garden of eden was full of trees. tree of life, tree of good/evil.
                - Evergreen trees: when God created the world, he created trees. He hung fruit.. Wait.. What? God brought trees inside a house? I'm confused here. [I must have missed something]
                - December 25: "Last I checked, God created the Winter Solstice..."
                - we celebrate during the darkest time/coldest. (is it that way around the world... no.)
                - Logic: if Adam wanted to put the fruit he ate back on the tree, he'd have to hang HIMSELF on a tree. So -- Jesus as the last Adam hung himself on a tree (the cross). What the hell.

                    - Is this more offensive than RRF?
                    - In fairness, I've never heard this argument before. It's definitely strange.
        - Santa Claus in the bible? What's up with that, KC? KC says "there is no SC in the bible."And the Santa/Satan thing comes up. Making C look a bit nutty again.
            - KC is about to twist SC into a JC thing. Let's go.
            - KC says "I want you to imagine this a little more 'Lords of the Rings'-y"
                - Nicholas, Bishop of Myrah. We're back to the open. He was at the council of Nicea. Nicean creed affirms the diety of Christ. That wouldn't have happened w/ Nicholas and a fight.
                - KC said himself the real story involves robed men and scepters and incense.
                - Arius said that Jesus was less than God, Nicholas doesn't take too kindly to that. The scene plays out like a bar fight/mauling. KC says Nicholas smited Arius on the cheek. Nicholas lost his title, got it back. St. Nick gained legendary status/mythical status... imagine that.
                - SN: Let's go bless some kids tonight...
                - SC is the defender of the faith. Interesting twist.
            - C: "Santa is ... THE MAN!"
        - KC tries to convince C to go back to the party as the guy who saved xmas. GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR. 53 minutes in. GET OUT OF THE CAR.
    - Christian bursts into the house again. KC narrates "Take it all in... now see christmas with new eyes." (KC wasn't narrating, he was literally behind C, talking)
        - C decides to slip n' slide from the door to the presents beneath the tree. Deandre stereotypes some more.
        - 56:14. HOW IS THERE ANOTHER 23 minutes?
        - KC pushing that gifts are always at the base of a tree.
        - Now C jumps next to Uncle Bill Santa Claus. C seems insane.. not sure that was something KC was going for.
        - 57:39 -- freeze frame xmas card still. SHOULD BE END OF THE MOVIE HERE, RIGHT?
        - C's wife is staring at C while C looks at all the Xmas decorations with new eyes. Soooo - KC is retconning xmas. All those symbols? Christ.
        - Now the movie is in slo-mo to pad the runtime.
        - C wants to give his wife something ... "What do you have in mind, Big Poppa?" she says. KC says something like "you're expecting a kiss now, right?" C says something like "how about a hip-hop dance right now?"
        - Deandre plays DJ. DANCE NUMBER TIME. It's turned into a terrible party.
            - The choreography is terrible.
            - C come sin and breakdances-ish.. Calls his wife to dance as well.
            - This could be good fun if you were AT the party and you knew and cared about these people. But now it's like watching shitty home movies.
            - KC gets a couple of dance moves in INCLUDING THE WORM.
        - KC yells to the camera "OKAY EVERYBODY, LET'S FEAST!"
        - Cue to a guy in a completely different place saying "That's why I come to these parties."
    - 12 minutes left. We're at a dining table with lots and lots of food. KC is giving instructions to have rich butter and invite neighbors. Don't buy into the complaint of materialism -- this is god taking on a material body... so that's why there are materials everywhere. OKAY -- "Kirk Cameron's Retconning Christmas" is correct.
    - 9 minutes of credits.
- Shit. Post credits scene. Christian is the director and writer then. Outtakes.

    - is it over?
    - nope - one more, deandre and rapping conspiracy man: coughing outtake. "We need to get Kirk Cameron involved." Deandre starts beatboxing, the rapping guy starts to freestyle. "It ain't James.. It's Kirk Cameron."

title: Cranberry rubdowns for Christmas
dek: We review Kirk Cameron's "Saving Christmas." Generally, we have no idea who this movie is really for. However - we take on the movie full on.

Alternate titles:
3    cranberry rubdowns for christmas    iyaz
1    home movies of people you dont know    Sunkast
1    kirk cameron masturbating for 80 minutes    Sunkast
0    he and JC, theyre tight yo    Sunkast
0    because thats what jesus wants    Sunkast
0    that guy's a conspiracy nut    Sunkast
0    in such an asshole way    iyaz
0    my god this is so wrong    Sunkast
0    there is no santa clause in the bible    Sunkast
0    theyre making christian look abit nutty again    Sunkast
0    all those symbols. christ.    Sunkast
0    it is a film technically    Sunkast
0    asshol-y night    iyaz
0    God made open