1. Bread dough.

Worked in a bakery. Once bread dough is mixed, it’s left to rise. I went into the cold room, punched a hole into the dough, lubed it with some water and put my dick in it.

2. A cactus.

Cut a cactus open and went to town, no injuries.

3. Peanut butter.

I fucked a peanut-butter jar.

4. …and jelly.

Using jelly. Not KY. Smucker’s. With the jar.

5. My own blood.

During the hormonal catastrophe that is puberty, I got a bloody nose for some random reason. Either way, it was a gusher. So there I am, having just got ready to take a shower, but now was covered in blood. I thought to myself “well, I was going to wack it anyways, and this blood is a bit slippery…”

6. A toilet seat.

Stuck my dick between the toilet lid and seat and “fucked it” when I was like 15. Incredibly painful and unsexy. Still came though.

7. A banana.

Used a banana. My dick smelled like banana for a few weeks.

8. Mineral Ice.

When I was a kid I jerked off with Mineral Ice. At first I was like awesome idea. Then I was like OMFG this burns OMG OMG OMG. PSA: Don’t jerk off with mineral ice, people.

9. Couch cushions.

In between the cushions of the pleather couch in my living room, almost every day from age 13-14. Used cocoa lotion.

Looking back on it, I wonder if my parents knew. The couch must have smelled like cocoa-lotion, and the part between the cushions was perpetually shinier than the rest of the couch.

10. Two slices of turkey placed between couch cuhsions.

Took two slices of turkey and put them between the couch cushions.

11. My lubed-up kitchen counter.

I’d fuck the kitchen counter. it was smooth marble so I’d just put lube around it and start fucking it. It was amazing.

12. Rabbit fur and an old Scooby Doo doll.

Rabbit fur, rabbit fur and an old Scooby Doo doll. Yeah that was a weird time in my life.

13. A rubber glove, a toilet paper roll, and some hand soap.

I tried to fashion a vagina out of a rubber glove, a toilet paper roll, and some hand soap. It didn’t work well. I was left with a very sore dick (I have very sensitive skin, and the soap did not agree with it), and couldn’t wash the smell of “fresh lilac” off of my genitals for a couple days.

14. A plastic bag filled with ham slices and soapy water.

Took a plastic bag, put two slices of ham on each side and filled it with soapy water. Put it under my parents’ mattress. I was young and expected it to be a good simulation. I was way off and am now very embarrassed.

15. Don’t judge me—I fucked my Teddy bear.

Don’t judge me too hard. My mom gave me a Teddy bear when I was a kid, it developed a hole in the back of its neck and I’d stick my 13-year-old penis in there and fucking shake that bear. My shame. I later burned it after one last sympathy fuck. Wish I was kidding.

16. I won’t judge you—I fucked my Teddy bear, too.

My childhood Teddy bear, Biff, was my go to stuffed friend for many years. We had found him on the street, discarded, part of his vinyl nose scuffed up. I loved that bear. Out of all my stuffed animals, I always slept with him tucked under my arm. He was my best Teddy friend. Then, I turned 11, and noticed he had a hole under his tail. I fucked him in his little teddy bear butthole like the sad pubescent rapist I was. I felt terrible about it. He was my friend, and I fucked him. Right in the butt. I’m still sorry, 17 years later. In a way, I feel like I buttfucked my own innocence. I couldn’t sleep with Biff under my arm anymore. Not after I defiled him with my stinky hairless wiener. It didn’t even feel good, but I was determined to make yogurt, and I hadn’t figured out that I could just use my hand, like a normal person, and not sodomize my own childhood. Reading these other comments, though, I don’t feel so bad. Plus, he was asking for it, flaunting his furry ass all over the place.

17. A pot pie.

My 15-year-old self was very into raunchy movies and American Pie was the crème de la crème, for lack of a better phrase.

Well I didn’t have an apple pie to speak of but guess what my Southern, carbohydrate-loading family did have—McCormick Pot Pies. What’s the difference, right?

Well after following the insane instructions I slid my member past the flakey goodness and into the turkey gravy encased. Never again, just never, never again…

18. A moldy Fleshlight.

Bought a Fleshlight. Used it couple of times, almost all the time blowing inside. I forget to clean it after I’m done. I hide it between the space from my bed and wall, so it’s really dark and can’t be seen unless you take a close look. One day I was doing my thing, all of a sudden I saw black stuff on my dick. I thought my dick was dirty since I sweat at night and haven’t gotten a bath yet. I finished my business as usual and looked inside. It was filled with some black looking mold. The top was all black and it was hard. It felt like taking a scab off. Underneath it, it was white and creamy. I quickly washed off my dick and threw the Fleshlight out.

19. A conditioner bottle.

It was the first time I ever attempted to masturbate, oldest boy, no Internet, no dad to rummage thru his porn stash. So I was in the shower and felt the urge to do something, anything, I hear it’s supposed to be great. What to do though? When you have sex you stick it in the girl right? So I decided to try putting my member in the conditioner bottle, that’ll be great right? Start off flaccid and push it in. Ok awesome game on. I start humping this bottle and get hard, at first not too bad, but as blood flow increases I realize I’m running out of room around the rim. As it starts to hurt I start to panic. I try to pull it off but it’s too late, I’m stuck. In my frantic pulling I end up losing my footing and fall in the tub, bottle flopping around with its death grip on my dong. In my adolescent mind I freak, thinking they’re going to have to cut off my Johnson. I can’t let them do that! I don’t want to be a girl! So I grab the rod from the towel holder and proceed to smash the bottle with all my might. Finally break it and freedom is mine! Later that day my mom asks why the conditioner bottle is broken and I just tell her I slipped in the shower and knocked it over. Needless to say I didn’t masturbate for a good while after that.

20. Toothpaste.

I would jerk off in the shower all the time as a kid and use conditioner as lube. Sometimes it would sting my dickhole, so I decided to switch it up once and tried toothpaste instead. It has those little flavor crystals in it and it buuuuuuurned my cock so bad. My whole family was in the next room, so I had a silent, agonizing freakout in the shower. When it happened I was sure that I had found some terrible procedure for dick-removal. So blessed to have my dong to this day.

21. Hot sauce.

This is kind of relevant. I was doing the dishes before I hopped in the shower and I was cleaning a plate that my brother had eaten a sandwich off of. Now my brother really enjoys hot food. On this plate was ghost chili hot sauce. I had also gotten some on my hands so I used soap and water in an attempt to rid my hands of any residual capsaicin. So I hopped in the shower. Rubbing one out in the shower is part of my daily ritual and so I commenced rubbing. What I felt next started out as tingling but then escalated to the point where my dick felt like yet another piece of potato in the McDonald’s deep fryer. It hurt, but I didn’t dare stop because the last thing I wanted was to blue ball myself and have chili dick. It was quite possibly the most excruciating pain I’ve ever endured just to rub one out.

22. A sandwich bag with hand lotion placed between two sponges that were rubber-banded together and stuffed inside a Pringles can.

when I was 12 I played with K’nex a lot. I once built a set of gears that would move in and out by hand crank. I put a sandwich bag with hand lotion between 2 sponges that I rubber banded together and jammed in an empty Pringles can. the can was attached to the gears. I rotated the hand crank and it moved in and out and I just had to kneel and turn the crank. Not necessarily gross but as a grown man looking back it was really dumb, I could have just jerked it and saved 20 minutes of engineering.

23. A mess of melted marshmallows and lube.

I’m late but I’ve been meaning to talk about this. I found instructions on how to make a homemade Fleshlight out of marshmallows in the middle of July. The basic principle was to cut the marshmallows in half and stick them to a glass or cup and basically just fuck it. At first it’s amazing and doing the job just as intended with a bit of lube of course. After maybe 5 minutes it begins melting, cut to about a half hour later of me trying my damn hardest to get off and I finally managed to finish. It was a mess of melted marshmallows lube and pubes, and unfortunately I couldn’t shower for two days due to our shower being broke, so after two days I had to shower dried marshmallow grease out of my pubes and it wasn’t working, so I basically either had to learn to shave or deal with it for a long while more. I shaved and only cut myself once and thankfully wasn’t anywhere important, shaving balls is easier than people say it is. Moral of the story is invested in your toys.

24. A girl’s open-toed shoe.

When I was about 13 my neighbor was really good looking and I was over at her house to watch cartoons and do the normal 13-year-old stuff. Well, puberty hit me like an abusive husband to his wife after he polishes off a bottle of Jack. I went into her bathroom and saw one of her open toed heels and put my little 13-year-old member into the hole and humped until I couldn’t hump anymore. 9/10 would do it again.

25. A life-size Barbie.

And I thought trying to fuck my sister’s life-size Barbie was weird…you guys are the weirdos! TC mark