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- >Day Friendship is Magic in Equestria
- >Your alarm groans a terribly monotonous groan into your ear
- >You pick it up and hurl it across the room
- >It crashes into the wall, falling neatly into a pile of other destroyed alarm clocks
- >You sit up in bed, open your drawer, and replace it with a new one
- >The best investment anybody can make is into 264 alarm clocks
- >That’s what Old Man Charles always told you back home
- >And look at him now
- >Bankrupt
- >Probably unrelated
- >You get up and gaze out the window to the playful p0nies
- >Earth p0nies with their love of the land… pegasi with their wings…
- >But what really pisses you off are the unicorns
- >With fucking magic
- >That isn’t even fair at all
- It’s horseshit.
- >You say
- >as you lift your foot, revealing a smelly brown substance
- >Damnit, Fluttershy, were you in here again?
- >You wipe off the fecal matter and slide on your Dragon Ball Z boxers and casual sweatpants
- >You head to the bathroom to shave
- Fucking unicorns…
- >You say as you carve the stubble from your face
- Get all the good stuff. Casting spells ‘n shit.
- >You sigh
- >What you wouldn’t give to be magical, like your childhood hero Goku
- >But no, fate would have you teleport to magical horse world, where everyone’s fucking magic but you
- >You hate them all
- >You’re cold, bitter, and have no friends
- >And you wouldn’t have it any other way
- >Because fuck them all
- >You finish up your shave and head downstairs
- >You head to the kitchen and pour yourself a nice bowl of cereal
- >Carrying it over to the table, you hear a startlingly loud bang at your door
- >You drop your bowl in surprise, shattering it on the ground
- >Blood boiling
- Fine. Fine!
- >You yell
- I didn’t want it anyway!
- >You kick the cereal on the ground in a fit of rage
- >And slip on the milk, crashing ass first on the floor
- God fucking damnit!
- >The door bangs again
- HOLD YOUR SHIT!
- >You stomp toward the door, seething with rage
- >You’re going to punt Fluttershy to the fucking moon if it’s her
- >You swing open the door with great force
- >It flings speedily around to your wall, punching a hole in it with the knob
- >You stare at it
- >You point both hands at it
- >Like, look at this shit!
- >Are you serious!?
- >But you say nothing
- >Fuck it
- >You don’t even care
- [spoiler]>You care immensely.[/spoiler]
- >You grit your teeth and look at your visitor
- >It’s not Fluttershy
- >It’s Spike the Dragon
- >You sigh a sigh of relief
- What do you want, man?
- >He can tell you’re in a shit mood
- >”I don’t know.”
- >You stare at him
- >He stares at you
- >You glance away for a brief moment, look back at him, and raise your arms
- Then why the fuck are you here?
- >He’s about to say something
- >But his chest inflates, his cheeks puff, and he spits a scroll right at your face
- >It pegs you in the nose and falls to the ground
- >…
- >…
- >Sigh…
- >”That’s why.”
- >You reach down and grab the paper, unravel it, and read it
- “Dear Anonymous,
- It has come to my attention that you are not enjoying your time here in Equestria. This is most unfortunate. I would like that all of my subjects be happy here in my land, and so I am issuing you some suggestions as to how you can be more happy. The first and only suggestion, really, is to make some friends. Remember, Anonymous: Friendship is Magic.
- Take care,
- Princess Celestia”
- >You crumple the paper up and throw it at the dragon’s head
- Eat it, and send it back. I don’t give a shit.
- >Spike scoffs
- >”It doesn’t work that way, man. I—“
- >He spits another scrolls at your face
- >It pegs your eye
- >…
- >…
- >Groan…
- >You pick it up and read it,
- “No, Anonymous. Listen: Friendship is Magic.
- Friendship.
- Is.
- Magic.”
- >You crumple it up and begin chewing it
- Fine, I’LL send it back.
- >You say with your mouth full
- >…
- >…ugh
- >You spit the glop of paper to your hand and peg Spike with it
- >It sticks
- Never mind. It’s gross.
- >Spike groans
- Probably doesn’t work that way anyway. Right?
- >He’s just about to turn around and leave, but he coughs up a third scroll
- Are you fucking serious?
- >You grab it and whip it open
- “Holy shit, Anonymous, you dense motherfucker. Make some friends, get some magic. You want to be magic too, right? Then make some goddamn friends. Fuck.”
- >You stare at the paper a little longer…
- >…good God, could this be the way…?
- >Were you ignoring it the whole time…?
- >You CAN be magic!
- >Fuck yes!
- >Spike sees the excitement on your face
- >”Why so giddy all of a sudden?”
- Dude!
- >You yell, tossing the paper behind you
- I can be like Goku! From Dragon Ball Z!
- >He raises his eyebrows
- >”What the hell is that?”
- >…WHAT!?
- >Oh HELL no!
- >This dragon did not just say that
- Are you serious!?
- >You tear off your sweatpants like they were tear-aways
- >Your glorious boxers are now in full view
- >With your hairy dick poking out the middle
- >Spike recoils in disgust
- Look at this shit!
- >You say, circling your boxer area
- Isn’t it glorious!?
- >”Oh Celestia, no! Anon, what are you doing!?”
- >No?
- >No?!
- >NO!?!
- >You grab his head and forcefully hold it to your boxers
- >He struggles
- Stop squirming and look!
- >You hold open his eyelids
- >He must see the glory of Super Saiyan 2 Gohan
- >His hair is so glorious
- Look at the hair!
- >”Oh Celestia…” he says, choking back tears
- Look at the hair! Isn’t it amazing?!
- >”It’s so black and curly, it’s gross!”
- No it’s not! It’s golden and beautiful!!
- >”Okay! It’s golden and beautiful!” He says between sobs, “Whatever you say!”
- LOVE IT!
- >He throws up on you
- FUCKING CHRIST!
- >You whip him away from you and tear off your greasy boxers
- Look what you’ve done, you piece of shit! I’ll kill you!
- >He turns around and runs away crying
- >You pant, your rage calming down, as you stand naked in front of your house
- >You catch your breath, and look around
- >Lyra and Bon Bon are staring at you, mouths agape, eyes wide
- >You look to yourself, then your boxers, then them
- …oh, oh no! No no! It’s not what… I was just—
- >You laugh
- He needed to know about my dragon balls!
- >Lyra vomits
- >You scowl, then enter your house
- Fuck you guys.
- >You slam the door
- >You go upstairs to change
- >You only have one other pair of boxers
- >And jeans will have to do since you tore your sweats
- >You need more clothes
- >Not like you can afford it
- >Your alarm clock necessities drain almost all your cash
- >God bless Old Man Charles
- >As you get changed, you think over your process
- >…Friendship is Magic…
- >Make some friends, become magic, be Goku
- >It’s the perfect plan
- >But who could you be friends with…?
- >…hmm.
- >There’s a knock on the door
- >You instinctively scowl
- >…Fluttershy
- >The yellow menace
- >…do you dare even try?
- >You loathe that creature
- >You head down the stairs and to door
- >…well, maybe you should just try
- >…for your Saiyan powers
- >You crack open the door
- >And sure enough, it’s Fluttershy
- >She’s decked out in scuba gear
- >”H-Hi Anon… I was—“
- Not even fucking close. Look, do you want to be friends?
- >Her eyes widen and swell
- >And her mouth curves from ear to ear
- >”Y-You want to be friends… w-with me…?”
- >You roll your eyes
- Yeah, sure, why not. Friends are great. I love friends. Can’t have enough friends. Went to shit after the fourth season, though.
- >She beams, and takes to the air
- >She gives you a quick hug
- >Your skin burns where she touches
- >But you hide it
- >She breaks it, still floating above you
- >”Oh, I’d love to, Anon!”
- Great.
- >She smiles
- Just great... DRAGON FIST!
- >You launch into the air and punch her square in the chest
- >She launches up a few feet, then arcs back down to the ground, crashing hard
- >She’s unconscious
- >You shake your hand a bit and sigh
- God damnit. I was supposed to go through her.
- >You walk over to her unconscious body.
- Guess I’m not Goku level just yet.
- >…you squint your eyes
- Or this whore wasn’t my friend at all.
- >You haul her above your head and walk her toward a nearby stream
- THIS’ll teach ya to feign friendship to get in my pants!
- >You toss her in the stream
- >She washes away
- >She’s in scuba gear, she’ll be fine
- >You sigh, and make your way toward P0nyville
- SOMEONE in this fucking town’s gotta wanna be my friend.
- >You arrive in town
- >You make your way to the square, take a deep breath, exhale, and observe your surroundings
- >…so many buildings
- >So many p0nies…
- >Which to try…?
- >…aha!
- >You mosey on over to Sugarcube Corner
- >As in, hands at your belt, sway shoulders, cowboy style
- >You’re fucking moseying
- >Bitches prolly getting’ wet ERR’YWHERE
- >You arrive at the door and enter
- >The place is near deserted, and Pinkie Pie is in the kitchen, doing some baking
- >You head over to the counter and ring the bell
- >She launches herself from behind it
- >How the…?
- >”Hey there, Nonny! What are you doing out of your house?”
- >What?
- Just… you know, going for my usual walk.
- >”You never leave your house…”
- What? That’s ridiculous, I’m always out… moseying around.
- >”I’ve never seen you.”
- Well maybe open your eyes every once in a while you cock smoking—
- >Sheeeit
- I mean… hey, wanna hang out, Pinkie?
- >She tilts her head
- >”You wanna hang out? That’s strange!”
- You’re fucking strange.
- >Bitch.
- >”What…?”
- >Her lower lip quivers, her ears fall flat, and her eyes water
- >Shit!
- I mean—Stranger than Fiction!
- >She tilts her head
- --was a pretty good movie! Considering Will Ferrell’s experimentation with a non-comedic role.
- >She laughs
- >”You’re silly! Come bake with me!”
- >You nod your head
- >Cha-ching! You just arrived at the dock, next vessel departing: the FriendShip!
- >You hop the counter and follow Pinkie Pie into the kitchen
- >She’s got quite a few things going on
- >She pushes a plate of cookies over to you
- >”Here! I just made these! Tell me how they are!”
- >You pick up the plate, and hold a cookie in your hand
- >You squint at them
- >Pink frosting, sprinkles, smiley faces on them
- They’re fucking gay.
- >You toss the cookie behind your back
- >Pinkie looks at you confused
- >You stare at her, and without breaking eye contact, dump the rest of the cookies on the ground
- >She looks even more confused
- I’d shit on them, but I don’t have to use the bathroom. So use your imagination as I make fart noises.
- >You crouch over them and play the mouth trumpet
- >Pinkie’s starting to look sad
- Hey,
- >You say, standing back up
- Buck up. I’LL show you how to make great cookies.
- >”You can make cookies…?” She asks, with bewilderment and doubt
- >You nod and smile
- Yup. Good friend of mine taught me, Old Man Charles. He ain’t ever wrong about anything.
- >You scrounge through the kitchen, grabbing all the ingredients you can
- >Baking soda, hot sauce, some leftover chili Pinkie had, some brown sauce you can’t identify, but hey, looks fine
- >You throw them in a bowl and start mixing them up
- >”Umm, Nonny, I don’t think—“
- Hey, I got an idea…
- >…
- …why don’t you shut up?
- >Pinkie closes her mouth
- >You get the batter ready, throw them into the oven, wait a few minutes, and take out your masterpieces
- >Beautiful chunky circles of an indescribable color
- Here,
- >You say, prying one off,
- Try one.
- >Pinkie looks at you, then to the cookies, and reluctantly grabs one
- >She takes a very small bite
- >Her face turns green
- >You stare at her intently
- >She chews slowly, then swallows, gags a little, then smiles
- >”They’re… they’re good…!”
- You’re lying…
- >”No! I like them!”
- I can tell, Pinkie. Don’t lie to me. I know.
- >”Well… they could use… a LITTLE improvement…”
- >You twitch in anger
- No! They’re fucking perfect!
- >”No! I mean, they’re good! Just a liiiitle improvement would be good! I have a white board here, I’ll write down some ideas! Just let me grab my marker—“
- No!
- >You yell, cutting her off
- Fuck you! And fuck your marker!
- >You stomp out of the kitchen
- They’re perfect…
- >You mutter as you leave the building
- >Old Man Charles knows his shit
- >So what if he’s like 93 and has Alzheimer’s?
- >That’s a grade above Weisemheimer’s, the wisest people around!
- >Bitch don’t know nothing
- >’Bout anything
- >Okay, that was a bust, where to next?
- >You glance around, and your eye catches the Carousal Boutique
- >You [spoiler]mosey[/spoiler] on over and open the door
- White horse!
- >You yell
- >Rarity, who’s adjusting some dress on a mannequin, turns to you
- >”…who, me?”
- Yes, you.
- >You close the door behind you
- >”Anon, how… wonderful to see you. What can I do for you?”
- >Was that bitch being sarcastic?
- Yeah, you too—hey, wanna hang out?
- >She puts on a confused expression
- >”Hang out… you want to hang out with me?”
- Yeah, sure, let’s do something.
- >She puzzles for a bit
- >”…okay, sure. Would you mind modeling for me? I have a few dresses I’d like to straighten out.”
- >You stare at her
- >She stares at you
- >You back to her
- >…
- …no, that’s fucking gay. Eat a dick.
- >You open the door and slam it behind you
- >Okay, two down…
- >You walk back into the square area, then into the market
- >You see Applejack peddling her shit-tier fruit
- >…ehh, why not?
- >You walk over
- Hey Frootloops, how’s it hanging?
- >She gives you the most perplexed face you’ve ever seen
- >Then shakes it off
- >”Howdy there, Anon. What kin Ah do ya for?”
- Just want to know if you want to hang. As friends.
- >She looks confused
- >Then smiles
- >”Well, that’s mighty kind ‘uh ya, Anon. ‘Nfortunatly, Ah’m in the middle ‘a workin’, and—“
- What, need customers? I got your back.
- >You turn, cup your hands to your mouth, and yell at the top of your lungs
- HEY, EVERYONE WHO DOESN’T EAT CINNIMONTOASTCRUNCH’S APPLES IS A FAGGOT!
- >Your voice echoes throughout the market
- >Everyp0ny is quiet
- >Applejack, embarrassed, hides behind her cart
- >”Hey!,” a p0ny from another cart yells, “shut up, and don’t be so rude!”
- FUCK you, Berry Punch, your wine tastes like SHIT!
- >”Anon…” you hear from behind Applejack’s cart, “maybe y’all should just… ye know, leave…”
- >Ah, your job is done
- >She’s relieving you of your friendly duties
- >’Cuz you’re totally friends
- Yeah, whatever, sure.
- >She puts on a face, like, “was it really that easy?”, then smiles
- Just lemme take care of this bitch first.
- >She facehoofs
- >You walk over and cup your hands to your waist
- KA! ME! HA! ME—
- >Everyp0ny looks so confused
- HAAAAA!!!
- >…
- >…
- >So silent…
- Uhmm…
- >You stand back up and brush off your chest
- >You clear your throat, then turn around
- >You walk past Applejack
- Lyin’ broad…
- >You mutter as you do
- >Damnit, okay, three down
- >You continue your walk through town
- >You suddenly find yourself among a large tree library
- >…that Twilight Sparkle bitch
- >She might want to be friends
- >You knock on the door a few times
- >The purple mare herself answers the door
- >And gives you a sour look
- Hey there, Twilight.
- >She raises her eyebrow
- >”Did you try to molest Spike earlier today?”
- >Wait, what?
- That prick! He doesn’t fucking get it! If he gathers the balls, he gets a free wish!
- >She slams the door in your face
- >…well, that’s four
- >Bitch.
- >You step away from the library and take a seat on a bench
- >Fucking hell…
- >Who knew making friends was so goddamn hard?
- >You sigh
- >You’ll never get to be Goku…
- >…
- >A blue blur quickly lands on the bench beside you
- >”Hey Anon, rare sight to see you out of your house.”
- >You turn to look
- >Fucking Rainbow Dyke
- Piss off, cuntlicker, I’m in no mood.
- >She scoffs
- >”I was just trying to be friendly, you knobgoblin.”
- >You turn to her and squint your eyes
- Being friendly is for queers. At least you fit the bill, dickwad.
- >She punches your shoulder a little hard
- >”You’re an prick, you know that, asshole?”
- Shut up, you… troutsniffer.
- >She breaks into a laugh
- >”TROUTSNIFFER? Is that the best you can come up with!?”
- >She’s cracking up
- Hey, FUCK you! Home Alone 2 is a great movie!
- >You turn away from her to stew in your own rage
- >She, still laughing, wraps a hoof around your shoulder
- >”Ohh man, Anon… you’re a riot, you know that?”
- >You turn to her with a questioning look
- >”Even if you are a real fuckwad.”
- Yeah, whatever.
- >You turn away again
- >”Hey, I was wondering, you wanna hang out sometime?”
- >…wait, what…?
- >You turn to her
- You… want to hang out… with me…?
- >She laughs
- >”Sure, why not? You seem cool.”
- >You… can’t believe it
- Like… like friends?
- >She rolls her eyes at you
- >”What are you, fucking drunk? Yes, like friends!”
- >Your chest lightens up
- >…what is this feeling…?
- >You feel your mouth curl up into a smile
- >Your eyes twinkle
- …yeah… yeah, I’d love to hang out sometime… buddy.
- >She smiles, and playfully punches your shoulder
- >”Sounds good, friend!”
- >Friend…
- >You’re… you’re actually happy…
- >This feels… amazing…
- >…
- >What… what is that feeling…?
- >Rainbow Dash backs off a little
- >”Uhm, Anon…?”
- >You look down with a wondrous expression
- >Your chest is giving off some kind of light
- >Soon, you hover into the air, the light encapsulating you
- >Rainbow Dash shields her eyes from your brilliance
- >You feel some kind of power overtaking you
- >Some kind of… magic power
- >Friendship… really is magic!
- >It pierces you, the magic flowing through your veins
- >A completely blinding light flashes from you, accompanied by a loud, piercing noise
- >A huge gust of wind erupts from around you, blowing debris everywhere
- >Dash barely hangs on, shielding her eyes
- >Then… it’s over
- >Dash lowers her front hoof from her eyes, and observes you
- >”Whoooaa…..”
- >You descend to the ground, and fall to your knees
- What… What happened…?
- >You look at your hands
- >They look and feel so… strong
- >”Anon…” Dash manages to get out
- >You gaze up to her
- Wh-What…?
- >”You… you look like…”
- >A god?
- >A saiyan?
- >A golden haired prince?
- >”…a monkey.”
- >…what…?
- >…WHAT!?
- >You glance down to your chest
- >Red fur coats your shirtless chest
- No…
- >You spin around and see a red tail protruding from your yellow, sweat-like pants
- No… this can’t be…
- >You plant your feet to the ground, and with blinding speed, dash/float over to the closest house
- >You grip the doorknob and pull
- >You rip the entire front half of the house off
- >Two p0nies stare at you dumbfounded
- Mirror! I need a mirror!
- >They nod quickly, and dash off, returning with a long, oval-like mirror
- >You gaze upon yourself
- >It… can’t be…
- >Red fur…
- >Long, black hair…
- >Monkey tail…
- >Yellow pants…
- …fucking… Super… SAIYAN… FOOOOOUR!?!
- >You yell at the top of your lungs
- >Your voice alone demolishes the house
- THIS ISN’T EVEN A REAL SAIYAN FORM! WHERE’S MY GOLDEN HAIR!? THIS HAIR IS FUCKING BLACK!!!
- >Dash rushes over
- >”Anon, calm down!”
- FUCK YOU! THIS IS TERRIBLE! GT SUCKED! SUPER SAIYAN FOUR ISN’T EVEN CAAANOOOOOOON!!!
- >Energy bursts from around you, blowing away Dash
- >Entire houses start to crumble and blow away from your sheer power
- >The ki inside you is building
- >Ready for release!
- FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—
- >You burst an explosive blast of energy from you
- >It holds the power of a nuclear blast
- >Everything and everyp0ny around you is engulfed in a huge explosive, radiating blast of energy
- >The sound is tremendous, deafening, and frightening
- >Rocks and cliffs are destroyed, a crater is created from below you, and the entire town is destroyed
- >You stand in a wasteland
- >No sign or hint of a town ever being around you is left
- >It smolders viciously
- >And you pant, over and over, the rage slowly starting to leave you
- >But you’re still so pissed off
- >…from a stream not too far away, a yellow p0ny pokes her head up, gasping for air
- >She opens her eyes and looks at the environment around her
- >”…oh my…”
- >She takes to the air, and flutters slowly over to you
- >You hardly take notice, and don’t even acknowledge her
- >”D-Did you do this…?”
- >You don’t answer
- >”…Anon… that’s you, right?”
- >No answer still
- >She looks at your new form
- >Your sexy looking red fur
- >Your protruding muscles
- >Your strong and flexible looking tail
- >The red around your eyes
- >That glorious black hair
- >”H-Hey Anon…”
- >Still no response
- >”N-Now I guess you really do h-have a… hot monkey dick…”
- >…
- >”W-Would you want to give it to me…?”
- >Finally, you turn to Fluttershy
- >And stare at her
- >She’s smiling a bashful smile
- >She smiles it even wider, a squeeing noise escaping her
- >…
- >You charge up a kick and punt her, as hard as you can, straight into the air
- >She launches up with the speed of a thousand Rainbow Dashes
- FUCK YOU FLUTTERSHY!!
- The End
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