I'll be a Boyfriend for Halloween greentext (mantis)

>"Anon I don't know what to wear this year, Halloween is around the corner and I can't think of a costume"
>Every year you get caught up in this discussion
"It's almost two months until Halloween, can't you think of it later?"
>"No, I need to plan it out ahead so I can make the perfect costume"
>You're friends wives always ask you what costumes they should wear for Halloween
>They assume that since you're single that you know what a guy really wants
>Right now you want to be left alone
"Just ask them, they'll be honest with you, and that way you don't have to sneak around"
>"That won't work, we've tried that, they always say that we don't need to wear anything"
"Fine...try being a pirate this year"
>"A pirate? Like the movies?"
"Yeah, have all the girls make pirate costumes so you can be a pirate crew"
>"Anon that's amazing, thank you so much. Anon do you have any plans for Halloween?"
"No, and if you plan on making me go on a blind date again."
>"Anon come on, she just wants to have din-"
>You hang the phone up and lock the door to your house
>Halloween is the worst time of year to be a single guy
>Every monster is always hitting on you with their costume or just raping you
>Usually just raping you
>In recent years you've even had to start boarding up your house and hiding in the basement
>That only works half of the time
>The other half you get raped by a nurse, ninja or witch
>Last year all 3
>These holiday shenanigans are getting old, the only way to avoid them seems to get married
>Either way it's a lose lose scenario, now you just need to pick the one that involves less rape

>Wait a minute, Halloween is about pretending to be something you're not
>Anon you genius you've done it again
>You grab your phone and call back the most recent outfit troubled wife
"Hi, listen I was rude, I want to go on that date"
>"Really Anon, that's glad to hear, I was worried you wanted to keep being alone and miserable"
>You're not THAT miserable
"What is she like exactly? What monster is she"
>"Well her name is Monica, I know her from my job. She is a manti-"
>You panic and start knocking on the wall
"Sorry but someone is at the door, let me call you back later"
>You hang up before sitting down on your couch
>Of course her friend had to be the thing you were trying to avoid
>So now you're back to square one on trying to avoid being raped, no fake girlfriend to hide behind
>You're about to give up when you hear a knocking at your door
>You open your door to the smug smile of your neighbor, the worst one in your opinion
>"Hi Anon, I heard that you're the expert on costumes, I wanted to know if you wanted to help my shop for one"
>Costumes aren't even on sale yet
>They probably won't be for another 2 or 3 weeks
>This will only end badly

"Why not ask this weeks boyfriend to help you?"
>"Real funny Anon, he couldn't make the cut for any long term relationship"
"With your standards no one can"
>"I don't know Anon, you showed some promise"
"Shut up, and sorry but I can't help you right now, I have a date with another girl"
>You're going to have to take the rape if it means avoiding neighborhood rapist
>"Oh really, what's her name?"
"Monica, don't know what she is but we're supposed to have a date tomorrow so I need to get ready"
>"Want me to help, I know how to make a man 'presentable'
>No thanks, you know what she means by that already
"Some of the wives want to go as a pirate crew, go see them about it"
>You close the door on her and start to panic again
>You call back your pseudo pimp
"Sorry, someone else needed help with a costume, what is she now?"
>"Oh, her name is Monica and she is a mantis"
>Oh god why did it have
>What
"A Mantis?"
>"Yeah, the bug with the scythe arms"
>This might be the Halloween you get away clean

>You spend the night with a dumb grin on your face
>You just got a pass out of rape, how can you not be happy
>When you wake up in the morning you make sure you are at your best
>You need this girl for 2 months, you need to make her stick until Halloween is over

>You arrive at the place the date is supposed to be
>The wife who set it up is waiting for you with your date
>A dragon that could be mistaken for a mountain and a mantis that is dressed a little too formal for a blind date
>"Anon over here. Anon this is Monica, Monica Anon"
>You get a closer look at your rape shield, she is wearing a blue dress and wearing a hat that a racist grandma in the movies would wear
"Hi there, so Ashley told me you two work together?"
>She doesn't answer right away, instead she seems to scan you over, her eyes staring into yours for an awkward amount of time
>"Yes...she takes care of the actual materials while I only count them"
>Why does she only count
>You see her claws and fill in the answer
>She looks like she could cut steel with those
>If she was a farm worker she could cut down entire fields of corn in minutes
>Stop staring Anon before she kills you
"Alright, wanna go have something to drink, I know a shop down the street with coffee that will give you insomnia"
>She nods as you take the back of her claw and lead her down the street
>If this girl founds out your plan you're going to experience something worse than rape

>You arrive at the coffee shop and order your drinks
>While you wait you can't help but notice a crowd of women on the otherside of the street
>A few of them have binoculars
>You even recognize a few of them
>They are the wives of the neighborhood
>Are they stalking your date
>You notice the local rape addict amongst them
>Do you live in a sitcom or something
>You get your drinks and some food and head over to a table
>The two of you talk for a while, mostly about eachother, where you work, how you know the date arranger
>Half way into the conversation you notice she isn't drinking or eating
"Monica, is something wrong?"
>"No Anon, everything is fine, why do you ask"
"Your coffee and food is going to get cold, why don't you eat?"
>"If I try to i'll just cut everything, I need you to feed me"
>What
"I'm sorry, what?"
>"I need you to feed me and lift the cup for me"
>Why is nothing ever normal for you
"I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner"
>You lift her pastry to her mouth as she takes a bite, you let her drink her coffee afterwards, wiping her chin off with a napkin inbetween snack breaks
>You can almost hear the stalkers let out a sigh at how cute they think that was

>You spend the next few minutes helping her finish off her food
>When she finishes off her doughnut she grabs your hand and keeps it in place
>Well she doesn't really grab it, she just kind of pins it between the unbladed parts of her arms
"Is something still wrong Monica?"
>"No, but you are going to take my icing."
>What, from the doughnut?
>Before you can say anything she puts your finger in her mouth
>What the hell
>You can feel her lick the icing off of your finger, her tongue being through in taking all of her snack
>She does this for every finger before letting go
>"Anon what's the matter? Was that inappropriate?"
>Like hell it was
"No, just next time don't be so sudden about it"
>Her face turns a light shade of red
>"There is going to be a next time?"
>There has to be, until November hits anyway
"Why wouldn't there, you seem like a nice girl"
>You help her finish off her coffee before leaving the shop
>She tells you where to drop her off, the location presumably being her house

>When you arrive at what you can only assume is her house you almost have a heart attack
>She doesn't live in a house but in a gated community
>It's like something out of the movies, complete with a gate that she has to beep you through
>She guides you to her house in particular, a black and white 3 story house
>Mansion would be a better word for it
>You feel so inadequate right now
>"Thank you for the date Anon, sorry about the finger licking"
"It's fine Monica, just warn me next time alright?"
>She nods before going inside
>You drive away, having to ask the guard to let you out
>You arrive back home, locking the door behind you when you see your least favorite manticore trailing behind you
>This is going to be a weird Halloween

>She starts pounding on the door
>"Anon tell me about your date dammit. Were you nice to her, did she want to have sex? Did you let her rape you"
"Why are you so interested in my romantic life all of the sudden?"
>"You're the only single guy in the neighborhood, if you get serious with her I lose my backup boy"
"If it will make you leave, the date was amazing, and we plan on having another one in a few days"
>Not really, but if she knew that she would rape you on the spot
>"How sweet Anon, can't wait to see her again?"
"I told you everything, now go home."
>You lock the door and head to bed, still freaked out by the fact your rape shield lives in the best part of town
>Either her parents are rich
>She said she only counted the materials, maybe she meant drugs by that
>You could be dating a drug dealer
>You decide to stop worrying about it and go to bed after explaining the date over the phone to the stalking wives club

>"Anon thanks for the costume idea, we loved it so much the entire neighborhood is going to decorate the street in pirate stuff"
"That's nice, just don't touch my house okay?"
>"Why not, we could put a pirate flag on your roof, maybe tape some cardboard to your car to make it look like a boat"
"Touch my house and I call the cops"
>"Last time you did that Anon you almost got married"
"I hate you sometimes you know"
>You arrive at the gated community, buzzing through the security booth as you drive up to Monica's house
"I'm meeting with Monica, we can talk about this later"
>You hang up as your date walks up to your car, climbing in and giving you a what you think is a smile for her kind
>"Hi Anon, I was so happy you wanted to go on another date"
>She doesn't sound very happy, you would think she just woke up
"I said there would be a next time didn't I?"
>Her face turns red a little when she turns back to the house and waves goodbye to another mantis
>You got your answer for why she lives here at least, rich and probably protective parents

>She is still dressed like she is going to a fancy party
>A yellow dress and a straw hat that women in the 50's would wear
>"Where are we going this time Anon?"
>You didn't think of that, you were too worried about the idea of her being involved in criminal activities
"It's nice out today, I was thinking we could go to the park"
>"That sounds nice Anon, I haven't had the time to go since I started working"
>Why not, you have a job but you would still have the time if you wanted to
>You don't though because of the rape potential
"It's perfect then, we'll spend the day there"

>"Anon are we still going to the park?"
>You really doubt that
>In the time it took you to drive from her house to the park it started to rain
>Not a light drizzle
>This rain can only be described as biblical levels of shit
"No I don't think so, we'll have to do something else. Have anything in mind?"
>"We could watch a movie at my house"
>What
>"It's raining so my father wouldn't want me out, he is probably worried about me"
"We can pick up this date when the weather is better"
>"No, we can spend the day watching movies at my house, and my parents want to meet you anyway. Please Anon?"
>It beats spending the day avoiding rape in the rain
"Alright, but we're going to the park next time"

>Back at the guard post
>They let you through immediately when they see Monica
>You pull up to her house before getting your umbrella out of the backseat
>You hold it above her as you walk her inside
>She opens the door to the towering figure of who you assume is her father
>God has forsaken you with this dad

>You're not exactly a short guy
>But compared to her dad you feel like a kid again
>He could be a fill in for Arnold Schwarzenegger
>"So you're Anon?"
>You're deader than dead
>Zombies are going to feel bad for you
"Yes sir, i'm Anon"
>If you act polite maybe he won't hunt you down
>"Honey don't scare off Monica's little boyfriend"
>Little
>Even her mom is taller than you, is this how normal women feel
>"I'm just worried about Monica, we don't know anything about Anon, what if he just wants to use her"
>"Like how I used you?"
>"Don't say that infront of them"
>"What, you loved our first date"
>"You raped me when I was lost in the forest"
>"It was so romantic, your father was lost and scared, I might have raped him but I saved his life. I fed him and kept him warm those cold nights."
>While the two of them argue Monica drags you out of the room
>"Sorry about that Anon, my father is really protective"
>Both her parents are insane, you can still hear them arguing
>Monica brings you into a open room, a large screen on one side and a projector on the other
>You assume this is a home theater since she wanted to watch movies
>"What movies do you like Anon? Action, Horror, Sci-Fi?
"You can pick, i'll watch just about anything"
>"Okay, but no taking it back"
>What does she mean by that
>Before you can ask her she brings the movie to your face
>Love is a 'Monster'
>God damn puns

>You spend the next few hours watching romantic movies with Monica
>Most of them are cliche, end in a happily ever after kind of way
>Monica is enjoying them though, to the point where you can see some emotion in her face
>You can't really get into them
>You swear the dad is spying on you
>And it doesn't make you any more confident when Monica tries to recreate a scene from the current movie
>She kept asking if she could sit in your lap, you tell her no
>Mainly because you don't want the dad to kill you and hang your head on the wall

>After the fourth movie you decide to call it a day
>You've spent 6 hours here and want to get home and watch something manly
>"Alright Anon, thanks for the date"
"This wasn't what we planned, but it wasn't horrible"
>She walks you to the door, her dad and mom stalking the two of you through the hallways
>"Is there going to be another next time Anon?"
"Yes, and we'll actually go to the park"
>Before you can leave she taps you on the shoulder
>When you turn around she is level height with you
>Is she standing on a step ladder
>What the hell
>Before you can question her she leans forward into a kiss
>You can hear her mom let out a sigh and her dad make a threat
>Her face turns red as she gets down from her height assistant
>"I know you said not to be sudden Anon, but I wanted it to be a surprise"
>You get your goodbyes out of the way before running back to your car
>Running because of the rain and because you can hear her dad making more threats

>You get back home, locking the door and ignoring the annoying wives
>You're only supposed to be using this girl as a free pass
>So why are you so excited for the next date
>You can't let this get out of hand

>You wake up to the sound of someone knocking your garbage cans over outside
>And you were having the best dream to
>A world without rapist monster girls
>You grab your super soaker and go to the front door
>Everyone made fun of you for buying this in your 20's
>Who was laughing when you sprayed those cat girls trying to break into your house
>You pump it and open the front door, only to find the person trying to break in
"Monica, what the hell are you doing here at"
>What time is it
>It's 4 in the morning
>Dammit
>"Oh hey Anon, I wanted to see you again"
"We just spent the day at your place"
>It hasn't even been 12 hours since your date ended
>"I know, but I still wanted to see you"
"Can you come back later? When it's not in the middle of the night"
>"I'm sorry Anon, I just wanted to be with you some more"
>Now you feel bad
"Son of a...Fine you can come in"
>She pushes the door open and immediately hugs you
>"Thank you so much Anon"
>This better not become a habit of hers
>You make some coffee for the two of you, seeing as how you're not getting back to sleep anytime soon
>"Anon sorry about yesterday"
"What do you mean exactly?"
>"My parents, they are worried that boys only like me because they think i'm pretty"
>Or because her family is loaded
>Seriously they could probably fit 3 of your house in theirs
"It's fine, all parents are like that, some just a little more than others"
>"No you don't understand, you're the first boy I brought home who didn't get scared of my dad"
>Wrong about that
"It would take more than some old man to make me leave you"
>No it wouldn't
>"Anon, I want to move in with you"
>What
"What?"
>"I want to move in and live with you, I want to be with you more and if I live here I can see you everyday"
>If she does that her dad is going to murder you
"Monica I can't, you need to ask your par-"
>"They won't let me, they think i'm crazy, wanting to live with a boy I only just met, but i'm not crazy"
>Like hell she isn't

"Monica this is crazy, you can't move in with me, we've only gone on two dates"
>"We can go on more, and this way we don't need to be apart even when we aren't on them"
>The moment she falls asleep you are driving her back home
"Fine, but you are going to explain this to your parents in the morning, alright?"
>"Thank you Anon, can we sleep in your room?"
>She already wants to share the bed
"No, You can take my bed and i'll sleep on the couch"
She presses up against you and stares into your eyes
>"Anon if we are going to be together we need to share the bed, how are we going to have kids if we don't sleep in the same room?"
>Kids
>When did you agree to have kids
"We're not going to have kids already, we had our first kiss only today"
>"Yes, our relationship is moving so fast, at the rate we're going at we should be trying to have kids in the next few days"
>What the hell
>"We could start tonight if we wanted, we're mature enough for it right?"
>You take away her coffee
"We can talk about this in the morning, you're already excited and the coffee is only making it worse, try to calm down and we'll talk more later"
>You let her sleep in your bed and take the couch for yourself
>You didn't get much sleep but she was out like a light
>You called her parents and told them the situation
>"Anon we're so sorry, this is our fault"
>No, really?
>"We never let her have a real love life, even as a child she was always really clingy, if she liked a boy she would become super attached to him if he showed her any kindness"
>That explains that
>"It only got worse as she got older, when she wanted to start dating she grew incredibly violent if she was rejected"
"So what am I supposed to do? If she likes me and I tell her no, will she attack me?"
>"Probably, but Anon have you considered letting her live with you"
"No I haven't, I don't want a psycho bug living in my house threatening to cut me if I say no"
>"Who's a psycho bug now Anon"
>Well, you're dead

She's right behind you isn't she
>"Anon, who is the psycho bug you don't want over here?"
>Yep
>Lie or Die Anon
"Your mom wanted to come over and take you back, I told her no"
>"Really Anon, you'll let me stay with you?"
>Until you can buy some tranquilizers
"Yeah, your mom told me you never really had a chance at life, if you live with me maybe we can fix that"
>You can hear her mom rambling over the phone about how kind you are
>You cannot describe your hate right now
>"Anon thank you so much, now we can kiss and hug every day, and start having babies"
>Like hell you will
"Monica you need to calm down, I understand you want to experience everything right away, but we aren't ready for that"
>"Why not Anon, we're adults with jobs, we can take care of a kid or two...or four"
"I'm not saying we won't have kids, but can't it wait until we've been together for a little while longer?"
>"Alright Anon, if you don't want to have babies yet I can wait, i'm just so excited"
>Again she doesn't sound excited, she's just talking kind of fast
>"Can we go to the park today? I want to finish THAT date"
>"It's still only 5 AM Monica, it can wait until the morning"
>"Oh okay...can we go to bed then?"
>Why the hell not, you basically just told her you wanted to get married
>You're already in too deep to get out, might as well go with it
"Alright, but no funny business okay, we sleep and that's it"
>"For now?"
>You're going to try and find out how long 'For now' is

>"Anon we have to go shopping for baby clothes"
"The baby won't be born for another 9 months, can't it wait"
>"No, and my parents want to have dinner too so get moving"
>This Halloween was rape free
>But you now have a fiance and a baby on the way
>Having you in her life leveled Monica out, making her as normal as she can get
>She is still clingy, but calmed down and isn't the same girl who tried to break into your house
>You can't really say you hate it though
>This Halloween was probably the best one yet

>Also the Pirate Wives won a costume contest
>They kidnapped their husbands and drove away in their cars which were decorated like boats