Lexi and Harken - First contact

[01:36] <AC> ==START!==
[01:36] <AC> Well, well, well... Who's this I spy with my little eye?
[01:37] <SB> I could very well be asking you a similar question.
[01:37] <AC> Hmmm. It's not as fun when you can see me, too. I lose the advantage, and a lot of the appeal is lost. :(
[01:38] <AC> (That is a fake frown, because I am not really upset, foreigner.)
[01:38] <SB> Oh, then you weren't simply using that as an expression, but truly have vision of me?
[01:38] <AC> Of course. It's a lovely feature of our chat client.
[01:39] <AC> But, then again, looking at your surroundings, I'd hazard a guess that yours is a disappointingly crude society.
[01:40] <SB> Most assuredly, I am ever so thankful someone from your advanced civilization has taken it upon himself to speak with a lowly commoner such as me.
[01:40] <AC> As you most certainly should be! And yet...
[01:41] <AC> And yet I see no bowing or curtsying.
[01:41] <SB> Ah yes, I must have forgotten my manners what with all of this eye rolling.
[01:41] <AC> That's what that is? I thought you were having some sort of stroke.
[01:42] <SB> And yet you continued to demand further pleasantries.
[01:42] <SB> My aren't we the demanding one?
[01:42] <AC> Perhaps, perhaps.
[01:43] <AC> Common though you clearly are, I find you... Fetching, shall we say. Your banter leaves something to be desired, however.
[01:44] <SB> Oh, you never struck me as the type to let something silly like a personality get in the way of your affections.
[01:44] <AC> It depends.
[01:45] <SB> Still, I'm ever so flattered that you find me "... Fetching" oh internet stranger, I shall be detailing all of this within my diary post haste.
[01:46] <AC> Hm. No need. The book on me could squash you like an insect.
[01:47] <SB> Hah, you grossly underestimate me, if you believe anything about you could crush me.
[01:48] <AC> Hm. Is that so? I suppose you consider yourself quite accomplished then, young lady.
[01:49] <AC> Please, tell me a tale of your grand feats of strength.
[01:49] <AC> Tell me of all the inferior beings you've cut down.
[01:50] <SB> Oh, I'm surprised you would not know of me, already.
[01:50] <SB> Is your little world truly so tucked away that my legend has not spread there?
[01:51] <AC> I could say the same of you, I suppose.
[01:52] <AC> An ignominious, inauspicious planet inhabited by crude little savages and weaklings.
[01:52] <AC> Surely you jest.
[01:52] <SB> I jest?
[01:52] <SB> The alien believes I jest!
[01:53] <AC> You do, and I do.
[01:53] <AC> This is no laughing matter.
[01:53] <SB> I must tell all my friends immediately, for the alien I met on the internet thinks I jest!
[01:53] <SB> Father! Oh, Father! I require your assistance to prove my sincerity to this strange and superior being!
[01:54] <AC> Cry out to your God all you like. Nothing will exempt you and yours from slavery when the Armada arrives.
[01:55] <SB> Oh no, not the Armada!
[01:55] <SB> Anything but that!
[01:55] <SB> And don't use your ray guns on me, my delicate features would melt to ash under their beam!
[01:55] <AC> Ray guns? How juvenile.
[01:56] <SB> Nor should you grope me with your fearsome alien tentacles, I am but an innocent maid!
[01:56] <AC> Hey, even I have standards for my own behavior.
[01:56] <SB> Oh, thank goodness!
[01:56] <AC> And none of us have... Tentacles.
[01:57] <SB> I would not be able to go on living, with the thought of your horrendous appendages wrapping about me, and depriving me of my innocence!
[01:57] <AC> What?! No! I'm not some sort of gross lech!
[01:58] <SB> Please, do not justify yourself any further, I must drive from my thought all notions of your slippery body consuming mine!
[01:58] <AC> You have insulted me with your assumptions about my character, and I demand an immediate apology.
[01:59] <SB> I am ever so sorry, Mr.tentacle monster from outerspace!
[01:59] <SB> Please don't tear off my clothes and force your writhing and slithering tendrils into me!
[02:00] <AC> Will you cut that tentacle business out!
[02:00] <SB> Oh, if only I could!
[02:00] <AC> What.
[02:00] <SB> I am quaking within my boots at the thought of your wriggling masses forcing themselves into my helpless form!
[02:01] <SB> But alas, I am so terrified, I am unable to stop thinking of them!
[02:01] <SB> It is as to be petrified before such unspeakable horror, such is my mind at this moment!
[02:01] <AC> Ugh! Stop! You're making this weird! It's supposed to be black banter! Not this weird... Not black stuff you keep saying!
[02:01] <SB> Woe! Woe unto the one who arouses the fury of the tentacle beast from beyond the stars!
[02:02] <AC> Are you emotionally stunted or something?
[02:02] <SB> I shall fall this night, weeping into my pillow at the wrath which shall soon find my world, all because I was unable to offer my necessary manners to the beast!
[02:02] <SB> I shall be offered as a sacrifice, I just know it!
[02:03] <SB> In a tattered white gown, an offering to the beast, praying for my hero to come and rescue me!
[02:03] <SB> But alas! Alack! I shall be without saving, as you absolutely ravage me!
[02:04] <AC> Will you cut that out! I'm not a rapist! And I don't have tentacles! What do I have to do to get that through your thick skull!
[02:04] <SB> Please! No! I do not believe my body can take such turgid protuberances!
[02:04] <SB> Oh, no! Not my skull, whatever do you plan to do with that?!
[02:05] <AC> Is your whole race as dumb as you are?
[02:05] <SB> Would you even be so depraved, as to continue your foul mating with my body even after my spirit has departed?!
[02:05] <AC> What?! No!
[02:05] <SB> Such evil! Such cruelty! Such perversions!
[02:06] <AC> Why do people always get so confused about this topic?! I am not a rapist!
[02:07] <AC> And I don't have tentacles! But that assumption is a first for me.
[02:07] <SB> I would ask that you be gentle, but I know you cannot! Do not worry, for I understand you, my cruel tentacled overlord! You cannot control your desires, and so you must feast upon me!
[02:08] <AC> I know what you're doing. You're just going to keep this up in an attempt to agitate me until I end the conversation.
[02:08] <SB> Take me! Take me now, oh monster, and be done with it! I cannot continue my meaningless life any further without your wet and slimy embrace!
[02:09] <AC> Well, it shan't work! I will continue pestering you, even if it means I must resort to something drastic, like, like... Talking about the weather!!!!!!
[02:09] <SB> OH NO, THIS IS UNQUESTIONABLY EVEN WORSE THAN THE TENTACLES!
[02:09] <SB> CLOUD FORMATIONS, DRAFT PATTERNS, COLD FRONTS!
[02:10] <AC> YES! YES! TREMBLE IN FEAR AT THE PROSPECT OF METEOROLOGICAL DISCOURSE!
[02:10] <SB> HOWEVER SHALL I SURVIVE?!
[02:10] <AC> ONCE MORE, THE ADVANTAGE IS MINE!
[02:10] <AC> THE TABLES HAVE TURNED, YOU PUNY... WHATEVER YOU CALL YOURSELVES!
[02:10] <SB> YOU HAVE DEFEATED ME, AND ARE OBVIOUSLY MY SUPERIOR, OH GREAT ALIEN!
[02:10] <AC> INDEED!
[02:10] <SB> I PROSTRATE MYSELF BEFORE YOU!
[02:11] <AC> YOU CLAIM THIS, AND YET I SEE A CLEAR LACK OF PROSTRATION!
[02:11] <SB> *GASP* MY RUSE HAS BEEN DISCOVERED!
[02:11] <AC> AND WHAT A DISCOVERY IT HAS BEEN!
[02:11] <SB> I SOUGHT TO JAPE YOU, BUT IN TRUTH, IT IS I WHO HAVE BEEN JAPED.
[02:12] <AC> YES! AND, FOR YOUR INFORMATION, IT IS CURRENTLY A BALMY SEVENTY DEGREES OUTSIDE!
[02:12] <SB> I AM SHOCKED BY THE REVELATION THAT ALIENS ALSO USE DEGREES!
[02:13] <AC> I AM BEING PURSUED BY THE AUTHORITIES, AND AM CURRENTLY BEMOANING THE FACT THAT I CANNOT ENJOY SAID WEATHER.
[02:13] <SB> I AM FURTHER SHOCKED BY THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A CRIMINAL!
[02:14] <AC> WELL, AS THEY SAY IN THE OLD GUNSLINGER CIRCLES: get that money.
[02:14] <SB> Oh, are we no longer speaking exclusively in capital letters?
[02:14] <AC> Well, I mean, if you prefer capital letters, I am more than happy to acquiesce.
[02:15] <SB> No, frankly it all seemed quite excessive.
[02:15] <AC> Wait, what am I saying?! I shall type as I desire, regardless of your wishes!
[02:15] <SB> Oh, well then, and here I thought we had really connected.
[02:15] <AC> We did?
[02:15] <SB> Oh yes, it is quite common to bond over capitalization.
[02:16] <SB> Clearly however, I was misreading your signals.
[02:16] <AC> On our planet, capital letters denote shouting. Is this not the case on your planet?
[02:16] <SB> It is.
[02:17] <AC> VERY WELL THEN. I SHALL CONTINUE TYPING AS THOUGH I AM SHOUTING EXCITEDLY.
[02:17] <SB> Must you?
[02:17] <AC> ANGRILY. I MEANT ANGRILY.
[02:17] <SB> I reiterate: must you?
[02:17] <AC> Well, why not? Are we not... Rivals? Enemies?
[02:18] <AC> I have spied upon you in your room, and have attempted to antagonize you.
[02:18] <SB> Oh, I completely forgot about that.
[02:18] <SB> I was having too much fun talking about your tentacles.
[02:18] <AC> How do you forget that?! It's an egregious invasion of privacy!
[02:18] <AC> I DON'T HAVE TENTACLES!!!!!!
[02:18] <AC> WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING!
[02:19] <SB> I don't know how to tell you this.
[02:19] <SB> But I never actually thought you had tentacles.
[02:19] <AC> what
[02:20] <SB> Wow, I almost feel guilty, now.
[02:21] <AC> you deceived me
[02:21] <SB> Yes, quite masterfully apparently.
[02:22] <AC> i slaughtered my way across the wastes, intent on finding treasure, and what does that treasure net me, but the childish and embarrassing ruse of an alien
[02:22] <SB> Really, calling me a ruse is a bit rude. I am at least a jape, if not a downright ploy.
[02:22] <AC> No, I meant ruse in a different sense
[02:23] <AC> Oh, never mind. Forget it.
[02:23] <SB> Very well then, you have my sincerest apologies that after your great and arduous quest, all you received was this conversation.
[02:24] <AC> DON'T APOLOGIZE! UGH!
[02:24]  * AC has blocked SB
[02:24] <AC> ==END==