All the ponies in this town are CRAZY!-Things get Saucy

>Day still running in Equestria
>You can hear Derpy calling out for you, the sound of her wings getting closer by the second
>"Come back! I already have a wedding dress picked out and everything! We'll have a giant muffin instead of a cake! Won’t that be special?!"
>You duck and weave through the alleyways, but random mares keep grabbing at you
"No time for hugs ladies."
>Sometimes these ponies are too affectionate
>You need a place to hide and it doesn't look like you'll make it to Fluttershy's cottage at this rate
>Derpy seems to have crashed into a fruit cart, but that won't buy you very long
>Twilight's tree? Sugarcube corner? Sweet Apple Acres?
>Up ahead you see a line of stallions entering a bathhouse, with a large muscular pegasus guarding the entrance
>He isn't letting any mares in
"The Gay Bathhouse. Perfect"
>A place to rest where everyone is friendly and happy
>With no way for Derpy to get in
"Jackpot"
>You run up to the door past all the ponies in line
"Please. I NEED to be in there right now."
>The bouncer examines the birthday suit your mama made you and gives you a grin
>"Yeah you do. Get in."
>With a sigh of relief you duck inside and hear the groans of the ponies outside
>You assume the smack he gave your butt means he was a hoofball player.
>Good thing too, you can hear some of the mares chasing after you as you slip in.
>You see stallions of all kinds relaxing in hot tubs, getting massages, and some bathing each other
"Everyone seems so happy here."
>You see Big McIntosh by himself, the steam and bubbles making his red fur flushed
>He nods for you to come on over and join him
"Hay Mac. Washing off after a long day's hard work?"
>"Nah, I'm just here cause Carmel is too shy to come alone. I didn't know you swung this way."
>They have swings here too? This place is awesome!
>You and Mac shoot the breeze, watching different ponies walk by your tub
>The highlight was seeing Prince Blueblood walking weakly, his forelegs around Pokey Pierce
>He shoots a wink as he walks by
"He doesn't seem half as bad as Rarity made him out to be."
>"Yup. He can be a real princess when he wants to be."
>Big Mac is about to continue when you hear applause coming from a room deeper in the building
>He sighs and gets out of the tub, not even bothering to towel off
>"Shows about to start. They're gonna want to see you there."
>How nice of them. Massages, baths, swings, shows, no wonder they call this place gay
>They even have room for some of the more aggressive stallions to wrestle
>McIntosh escorts you into what looks like a most pit surrounding a stage covered in poles as the lights dim
>A cage is descending while everypony is grinding to the music
>You can see a brown pony wearing a silk mask and cloak inside the cage, and some of the ponies are getting on stage around the poles
>A voice comes over the sound system
>"Everybody give a hoof for SAUCY"
>The pony in the cage turns around and starts singing
>"DON"T GET STRUNG OUT."
>"BY THE WAY I LOOK."
>"Don't judge a book by its coooveeeer."
>Hold on. This is eerily familiar.
>You try to move to the exits but the crowd is pushing you towards the stage
>Hoofs drift to places Fluttershy told you only she should touch
>She is a specialist on humans
>She had the papers to prove it
>That was the day you learned degrees in Equestria were written in crayon
>You snap back to attention as the singer on stage sheds her, no his, cloak
>Revealing Caramel wearing a corset, highheels, and fishnet stockings
>"Just a sweet TRANS-VESTITE
>"From TranSEXUAL
>"Translyvyatkaaaaaaa-aa-aah"
>At this point he's thrown his cloak around your neck like a boa and is giving you a private dance
>When he finishes his song he shakes his rump so hard his delicates are accidentally flung into your face
>Once you get them off there is a note telling you to meet him in his dressing room
>Probably so you can give them back
>You push through the crowd to get their as quickly as you can, being cheered on the whole time
(Vyatka is a breed of pony)
>Backstage security lets you through to a room marked "SAUCY"
>Inside the dressing room is a rack of Rarity exclusives, some make up, and oddly enough mirrors on the wall and ceiling
>Must be a pony thing
>Somehow he has a few nude pictures of you on his dresser, covered in lipstick kisses
>How did he get those? That pink haired mustached photographer promised to keep the photos confidential
>Never did learn whether you would get to be a model or not
>Eventually the door opens and Caramel trots in, a bouquet of flowers in his mouth
>He eats a couple and moves over to you, offering you one
>"I'm so glad you came Anon. I can promise you I can make you cum again."
>He winks at you, probably some pollen from the flowers
>"I was so nervous the first time I came, but seeing you in the audience made this my best performance yet Anon."
>He puts his face inches away from yours, his lipstick-
>Hold on a minute
>You compare the lipstick on the photo to the lipstick on his mouth
>Look at photo
>Look at mouth
>Look at photo
>Look at mouth
>Wait for it
>He ignores you and begins to rub his hoof through your hair
>"I just know we're going to be together forever Anon."
>"Forever."
>Wait for it
>Maybe throwing his panties at you wasn't an accident
>Either way you push them into his face and bust out the door
>"Don't be shy Anon! I'm always gentle the first time. I love you!"
>You exit out the back door and crash into Rainbow Dash
"What were you doing with your ear against the door?"
>"Uhhhhh"
>Her eyes dart back and forth until she looks back at you with a hoof to your chest
>"What were you doing in there, and why are you-ohhh"
>Her eyes roam your naked body
>She begins to blush fiercely, and seems a little disappointed
>"So I guess this means that you like stal-
"Rainbow I need you."
>Her ears perk up and she looks excitedly at you
>"Okay, I mean, we'll have to go to your place bu-
"Rainbow, what are you talking about? I need you to
>At this point Caramel bucks open the door, still in his ensemble
>Dash's wings looked so tense now
"Dash I promise to rub your wings later, but right now I need you to distract him!"
>You sprint off into the night while you hear shouts of "MINE" in the background
>Good old loyal dash. You couldn't ask for a better friend.
>You see Twilight's room shining in the distance
>You make a sprint for hit hoping to avoid anymore suitors
"Twilight is a smart pony. She can get me to Fluttershy safely."