rest of items??

punchcard
El Vibrato punchcard (TARGET)

    This is a small card made of stiff paper, with more holes in it than your mom. By, like, a lot.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 142 Meat.

    ???


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun loc(vibrato)

punchcard
El Vibrato punchcard (SELF)

    This is a small card made of stiff paper, with more holes in it than a sieve warehouse.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 216 Meat.

    ???


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun loc(vibrato)

punchcard
El Vibrato punchcard (FLOOR)

    This is a small card made of stiff paper, with more holes in it than a viking prom dress.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 88 Meat.

    ???


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun loc(vibrato)

punchcard
El Vibrato punchcard (DRONE)

    This is a small card made of stiff paper, with more holes in it than a trunk full of bagels.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 182 Meat.

    ???


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun loc(vibrato)

punchcard
El Vibrato punchcard (WALL)

    This is a small card made of stiff paper, with more holes in it than a whole planet covered with golf courses.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 176 Meat.

    ???


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun loc(vibrato)

punchcard
El Vibrato punchcard (SPHERE)

    This is a small card made of stiff paper, with more holes in it than a fishnet fetishist's closet.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 104 Meat.

    ???


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun loc(vibrato)

drone2
sparking El Vibrato drone

    This is an El Vibrato drone, but this one has more sparks flying off of it than most El Vibrato drones. Which is to say that this one has sparks flying off of it at all. As if the sparks weren't enough of an indication of danger, it's hot to the touch, and it's making a fairly ominous crackling sound.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 500 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Deals 250-300 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    275 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

origamiken
naughty paper shuriken

    This is a piece of lurid paper folded into a bawdy throwing-star. You may ask yourself (water flowing underground) "how can a shuriken be naughty?" Well, not only is it covered in licentious prose and illustrations, but when it's thrown, it seeks out whatever's holding up an opponent's pants and severs it, be it belt, suspenders, or elastic. Naughty little pants-dropping shuriken.

    Also: naughty paper shuriken, oh the doo-dah day.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be discarded

    Removes a monster's pants and stuns it for a few rounds
    (if the monster is wearing pants)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    17 sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! stuns pants-dropping monsters

hubcap
sharpened hubcap

    This hubcap has had fishing weights soldered inside of it, to give it extra heft and stability in flight, and the rim has been sharpened to a razor edge. Basically it's the world's deadliest frisbee, and you can use it to take out enemies just like Xena, if Xena were a hobo.

    ...Actually, come to think of it, she basically was.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 100 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Deals 400-500 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    500 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

caltrop
very large caltrop

    This giant caltrop is made from four sharpened railroad spikes welded together in a triangular formation, so that one is always sticking straight up. Ever step on a jack, or a four-sided die? It's like that, only about a million times worse.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Deals 150-200 Physical Damage
    Stuns an enemy for a few rounds


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 5.5

big6pack
The Six-Pack of Pain

    What's better than smashing an enemy in the head with an empty beer bottle? Smashing an enemy in the head with eight empty beer bottles at once, after whirling them up to speed on the end of a rope. Seriously, ouch. Don't try that one at home, kids.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 200 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Deals Physical Damage based on your Muscle
    Weakens Enemies a Whole Lot


    Batfactors data:
    buffedmus damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

triangle
dinged-up triangle

    This triangle has seen better days. Days when it wasn't dull, days when it wasn't misshapen, days when it wasn't pocked with dents.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 300 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Summons a Hobo buddy


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom, !! summons a hobo underling

zomboeye
Zombo's empty eye

    This is one of Zombo's eyes. Or rather, it's the thing that would be an eye if Zombo had had eyes. As it is, it's kind of like an orb of inky, swirling negative energy. It's really hard to imagine how he was able to see -- maybe he saw by imagining really hard.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Selling Price: 10000 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Deals 150-200 Spooky Damage
    Weakens Enemies a Lot
    (doesn't go away when used)


    Batfactors data:
    {150,175,200} spooky damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{30,40,50}, def -{30,40,50}, once

styore
Frosty's iceball

    Did you ever take a snowball and put it in your freezer, thinking you'd pull it out the following year and use it to exact a frigid revenge on all those who oppose you? This thing is what you'd have ended up with if your mom had actually let you go through with that plan.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Selling Price: 10000 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Deals 200-300 Cold Damage
    (you can use it 2 times a day without melting it)


    Batfactors data:
    250 cold damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

lewdcard
lewd playing card

    This is a playing card with a naughty picture on it. I guess it's useful for playing strip poker by yourself and not having it be a complete waste of time.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 100-150 Physical Damage and 100-150 Sleaze Damage


    Batfactors data:
    148.5 none,sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

prismbomb
rainbow bomb

    What's more exciting than a prismatic wad? A prismatic wad with a stick of dynamite embedded in it!

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Deals 20-30 Physical Damage and 20-30 Prismatic Damage

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    150 none,hot,cold,spooky,sleaze,stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

page

    terrible poem
    the metaphors, the symbols,
    the pain, the horror.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 10 Meat.

    Deals 5-6 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

sack1
bargain flash powder

    very cheap pyrotechnics
    for discount escapes.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 2 Meat.

    Lets you escape from combat


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom runaway 0

luckycap
black spot

    This be that what pirates fear most -- the dreaded black spot. It be the kiss of death, a dreadful curse, and an indication that one shouldn't use a white handkerchief to polish cannonballs.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 30-40 Physical Damage per round for the rest of the fight


    Batfactors data:
    35.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

scroll1
Mer-kin killscroll

    This damp scroll has a few words on it, apparently written in some sort of waterproof ink. The language uses letters and punctuation that you recognize, but the words themselves hold no meaning to you. The choice of font makes the text look decidedly... sinister.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 100 Meat.

    Deals tremendous Physical Damage to Mer-kin


    Batfactors data:
    0 spooky damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

crabmeat
imitation crab meat

    This is a flaky piece of imitation crab meat. It looks like it's made of some kind of plastic that's been spray-painted pink.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Deals 150-250 Physical Damage
    (will backfire if used on land)


    Batfactors data:
    192.5*zone(sea) damage to opponent
    -0.25*monsterattack*(zone(sea)-1) damage to self

navalmine
live nautical mine

    This is an underwater mine, but it's not for fish -- it's for blowing up enemy ships. Be careful with it -- don't try to put a spell on it, for instance, because it's a mine.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 200 Meat.

    Deals a bunch of Physical Damage
    Is unsafe on land


    Batfactors data:
    zone(sea)*422 damage to opponent
    494-zone(sea)*389 damage to self

spine
pufferfish spine

    This is a sharp spine coated with a potent neurotoxin. It makes you glad that your own spine has neither of those properties.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    Poisons your opponent, and using additional ones makes the poison way worse


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

sputtysheet
Spooky Putty sheet

    This is a wad of Spooky Putty that you've pressed into a flat sheet, so that you can copy newspaper ink with it.

    In completely unrelated news, Knob Goblin Scientists have recently discovered that most monsters in the Kingdom of Loathing are composed, at the molecular level, of a high percentage of newspaper ink.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be discarded

    Makes a copy of a monster to fight later

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom copy

bladder
ink bladder

    This little gland filled with a dense black ink is what squids use when they want to get away from predators. If, on the other hand, they want to get away from a Predator, they're basically screwed.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Lets you escape from combat without spending an Adventure (underwater)
    Weakens enemies significantly (on land)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

    Specials: underwater, custom runaway 0.8

roe

anemone nematocyst

    This tiny little pod of anemone flesh contains a tightly coiled hairlike thing covered in a potent paralytic neurotoxin. It's difficult to say "anemone nematocyst," and it's made even more difficult if you've just had one thrown at you.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 85 Meat.

    Stuns your opponent for a few rounds
    (more effective underwater)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 1.5+zone(sea)*2

seltzer
high-pressure seltzer bottle

    This is a bottle of seltzer designed for use in high-pressure comedy situations. A series of warnings on the side of the bottle advise against ever actually using it for anything.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 165 Meat.

    Restores 150-200 MP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp 175

posstomato
possessed tomato

    This is a tomato that's been possessed by some demon or other. Don't listen to what it tells you about your mother -- that woman was a saint.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 20 Meat.

    Deals 6-8 Spooky Damage per round for the rest of the fight


    Batfactors data:
    7 spooky damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

egg
hand grenegg

    This is a rotten egg retrieved from the deepest crevices of an ancient evil refrigerator. You know how people always make jokes about things in refrigerators getting so old and rotten that they develop some sort of sinister intelligence? Well, don't make jokes like that in front of this egg, okay?

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 16 Meat.

    Deals 6-8 Stench Damage per round for the rest of the fight


    Batfactors data:
    0 stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

bigcaret
caret

    "What's up, doc?" The fact that this isn't that kind of carrot, that's what's up. Nor is it the kind you use to gauge the quality of gold. It's the kind editors use to tell authors where they can stick it.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 65 Meat.

    Guarantees that your next regular attack will Critically Hit


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom, !! next attack is guaranteed crit

hotsauce
Colon Annihilation Hot Sauce

    This is a bottle of one of those boutique barbeque sauces -- you know, the ones with names like Weeping Sphincter and Look, Ma, My Tongue's Gone. Basically, it's a sauce so hot that nobody who didn't have something to prove would bother drinking it.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 27 Meat.

    Deals 6-8 Hot Damage per round for the rest of the fight


    Batfactors data:
    7 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

bees
handful of bees

    Huh. Well, you appear to have stuck your hand inside the Guy Made of Bees, and grabbed a handful of... them. I'm frankly pretty shocked that you were crazy enough to do that; judging from the fact that they aren't stinging the hell out of you, I guess the bees are too.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 88 Meat.

    Deals 80-100 Physical Damage per round for the rest of the fight


    Batfactors data:
    90 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

specjelly
spectral jelly

    This is a mostly invisible, largely intangible blob of jelly from a spectral jellyfish. Holding it is sort of like holding a wet jiggly glob of nothing. Now if only you had some spectral toast, because obviously you couldn't possibly put this on normal toast.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 62 Meat.

    Makes you nearly impervious to damage for the duration of the fight


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

10101
software glitch

    #INS{This is a club used to club seals. You could probably club other things with it, too. Just make suERROR: LINE 40 UNEXPECTE$$

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 13 Meat.

    Fatal Error: Unexpected } in line 17


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

music
love song of vague ambiguity

    This is one of those love songs that's so generalized, so trite, and so vague that it could be about anything. It could be about your lover, your friend, your pets, or possibly your bitchin' meatcar. As such, it's the perfect love song for anyone who has never actually been in love, but has read a lot about it. For the rest of us, the clumsy songcrafting is enough to drive us into a very unambiguous murderous rage.

    Type: potion
    Effect: Broken Heart
    Duration: 5 Adventures
    (can also be used in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Physical Damage based on your Muscle

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Broken Heart"
    Effect Duration: 5

    Batfactors data:
    buffedmus damage to opponent
    -min(100,ceil(5*sqrt(max(0,min(buffedmus,monsterhp))))) damage to self

Broken Heart

    Your heart got so full of sadness that it broke in half. Luckily, this caused your body's remarkable, latent regenerative abilities to kick in.

Muscle +
Regenerate HP per Adventure

Mafia's modifiers:
HP Regen Min: [min(T,20)]
HP Regen Max: [min(T,20)]
Muscle: [min(T,20)]
music
love song of smoldering passion

    This is a fiery, passionate love song. It celebrates love so intense, passion so strong, that it could set the world on fire. You know, the kind of love that doesn't exist anywhere but fiery, passionate love songs.

    Yeah, keep telling yourself that.

    Type: potion
    Effect: Fiery Heart
    Duration: 5 Adventures
    (can also be used in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Hot Damage based on your Mysticality

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Fiery Heart"
    Effect Duration: 5

    Batfactors data:
    buffedmys hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp min(50,ceil(5*sqrt(max(0,min(buffedmys,monsterhp)))))

Fiery Heart

    You're feeling pretty passionate about things right now. There's a burning desire in your heart to go out and get some stuff done.

Mysticality +
Regenerate 0 MP per Adventure

Mafia's modifiers:
MP Regen Min: [ceil(min(T,20)/2)]
MP Regen Max: [ceil(min(T,20)/2)]
Mysticality: [min(T,20)]
music
love song of icy revenge

    Okay, this is less a love song than a song about what happens when you go out the other side of love. It's pretty much a litany of the unpleasant, questionably moral, even downright illegal things that the singer's going to do to her cheatin' ex.

    Type: potion
    Effect: Cold Hearted
    Duration: 5 Adventures
    (can also be used in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Cold Damage based on your Moxie

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Cold Hearted"
    Effect Duration: 5

    Batfactors data:
    buffedmox cold damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

Cold Hearted

    Your heart is icy -- you don't need anything, or anybody. This requires your familiars to be a little more self-reliant than usual.



Mafia's modifiers:
Familiar Weight: [ceil(min(T,20)/2)]
Moxie: [min(T,20)]
music
love song of sugary cuteness

    This love song could turn a Crimbo elf diabetic, and put a diabetic into a coma (or possibly a grave). If you have a serious reality problem, you'll probably dig it. Most people, though, can't escape the vague aroma of rotten cheese that pervades every adorable lyric.

    Type: potion
    Effect: Sweet Heart
    Duration: 5 Adventures
    (can also be used in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Stench Damage based on your Muscle

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Sweet Heart"
    Effect Duration: 5

    Batfactors data:
    buffedmus stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

Sweet Heart

    Your heart valves are nearly crusted shut with sugary sweetness. You feel compelled to go out and make some extra Meat, so you can buy something special for someone special.



Mafia's modifiers:
Meat Drop: [2*min(T,20)]
Muscle: [min(T,20)]
music
love song of disturbing obsession

    This is one of those love songs that crosses that narrow divide between "romantic" and "deeply disturbing." You know, the difference between "I always want to be with you" and "I want to wear your skin like a sweater."

    Type: potion
    Effect: Withered Heart
    Duration: 5 Adventures
    (can also be used in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Spooky Damage based on your Mysticality

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Withered Heart"
    Effect Duration: 5

    Batfactors data:
    buffedmys spooky damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

Withered Heart

    Your heart is two sizes too small. And black and shriveled. And dripping with antisocial ichor. You don't care about people. You don't need people. You can't rely on people. The only thing you can rely on is wealth -- specifically wealth in the form of material possessions. I'm going pretty far out of my way to explain that you're gonna find more items while you're in this kind of mood.



Mafia's modifiers:
Item Drop: [min(T,20)]
Mysticality: [min(T,20)]
music
love song of naughty innuendo

    Trains going into tunnels, flowers blooming, someone puffing on a cigar . . . if any of those mental images gives you a knowing smirk, then I'm sure you'll "enjoy" this song. I know I did.

    All night long. With your mom.

    Type: potion
    Effect: Lustful Heart
    Duration: 5 Adventures
    (can also be used in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Sleaze Damage based on your Moxie

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Lustful Heart"
    Effect Duration: 5

    Batfactors data:
    buffedmox sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

Lustful Heart

    You're feeling a lot like a very obscure reference to Jimmy Carter -- your heart is filled with lust. Zeal. Enthusiasm. Your heart is champing at the bit. The... heart bit.



Mafia's modifiers:
Moxie: [min(T,20)]
librarycard
Mer-kin pinkslip

    This slip of paper was given to a laid-off Mer-kin. Nobody's sure why it's pink -- maybe they figure pink is a soothing color, and it makes the layoffee less likely to go berserk with a speargun?

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 85 Meat.

    Escape from fights with Mer-kin without spending an Adventure


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: phylum mer-kin, custom runaway

scroll1
Mer-kin healscroll

    This damp scroll has a few words on it, apparently written in some sort of waterproof ink. The language uses letters and punctuation that you recognize, but the words themselves hold no meaning to you. The first letter of it is really big, ornately decorated, and illuminated with gold foil.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 77 Meat.

    Restores up to 300 Hit Points


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -(300+zone(sea)*(maxhp-myhp)) damage to self

eggplain
golden plastic oyster egg

    This is a golden plastic imitation oyster egg. This is the first egg you've found that has an odor -- a faint apple scent. You are a bit anxious to find out what's inside, especially since the Enchanted Flying Oyster was not at all a day late hiding these particular eggs.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 23 Meat.

    Lets you escape from combat without spending an Adventure
    (Maybe)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom runaway 0.3

cleaner
bottle of Gü-Gone

    This family-size jug of industrial solvent has been fitted with a handy spray nozzle to make it easier to industrially solve your family.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Dissolves Slimes


    Batfactors data:
    {10,15,20}*loc(convention hall lobby) damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

hedgeturtle
hedgeturtle

    This is to an ordinary turtle what a hedgehog is to an ordinary hog, which is to say that it's a turtle covered in a large number of thick, sharp spikes. The similarities don't go very far, though -- a hedgehog is positively cuddly next to this thing.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 96 Meat.

    Deals 30-60 Physical Damage
    Causes Bleeding


    Batfactors data:
    50 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

paintedturtle
painted turtle

    This turtle apparently got used as a canvas for some highly experimental artwork -- big splatters of randomly-colored paint adorn its entire shell, causing you to think "Harrumph. I could do that." when you look at it.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 350 Meat.

    Deals 10-20 Prismatic Damage


    Batfactors data:
    75 hot,cold,stench,spooky,sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

blueshell
blue shell

    This thing infuriates you. Some designer's misguided sense of fairness has created the single most obnoxious object in the history of video games.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 22 Meat.

    Deals up to 25 Physical Damage to whoever is in the lead


    Batfactors data:
    min(max(monsterhp-myhp,0),1)*25 damage to opponent
    min(max(myhp-monsterhp,0),1)*25 damage to self
    Specials: !! 2 each white/blue pixels if it attacks you

soupturtle
soup turtle

    This is a turtle that lost its shell (probably from being kicked by a plumber, those jerks) and replaced it with an empty soup can. If it were a dragon, it'd be a divine thing, but as it is, it's just sort of sad.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 14 Meat.

    Deals 5-10 Hot Damage


    Batfactors data:
    9 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

samuraiturtle

    samurai turtle
    Best not call him a ninja
    He'll kill for honor.

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Does various ninja things


    Batfactors data:
    8 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

mem_ca
memory of a CA base pair

    You remember CA. You remember redwood trees, bumper cars and wolverines. Motor boys and girls with tans. Nearly was and almost... rans? What the hell does that mean?

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Causes a memory of evolution

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: notmonster cyrus, def -buffedmus, !! actually gives +100% muscle

mem_cg
memory of a CG base pair

    You remember CG, a genetic marker associated with a predisposition to ruin movies with unnecessary, fake-ass looking special effects.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Causes a memory of evolution

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: notmonster cyrus, !! +100% myst

mem_ct
memory of a CT base pair

    You remember a CT. Magnum P. I. hated him, but Bizarro Magnum P. I. thought he was the cat's pajamas. Er... the cat's trapeze.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Causes a memory of evolution

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: notmonster cyrus, att -buffedmox, !! actually gives +100% moxie

mem_ag
memory of an AG base pair

    You remember AG. He used to wear such funny hats. He'd put that J on, and start going on and on about rules of military conduct, or he'd wear that stupid B, and constantly let cats out of himself. Then he'd put on a D, and insult people, but then he'd put on a G so they wouldn't be able to reply to him.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Causes a memory of evolution

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: notmonster cyrus, !! +200% init

mem_at
memory of an AT base pair

    You remember an AT. If you remembered two of them, you'd be able to storm the Rebel base on Hoth.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Causes a memory of evolution

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: notmonster cyrus, att 30, def 30

mem_gt
memory of a GT base pair

    You remember a GT. Oh, the fun you had, driving it around, slightly faster and less fuel-efficiently than the LX. Until that fateful race, on that fateful night at Horrible Fifties Car Crash Curve, when everything changed.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Causes a memory of evolution

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: notmonster cyrus, !! +200 DA

wumpbola
wumpus-hair bolo

    A bolo is basically a string with some weights on the ends, which you can throw at things to tangle them up. This one is made out of the woven hair of a beast that was slain by an ancient ancestor of yours thousands of years ago, except he was also you at the time. I recommend you don't think about it too hard.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 144 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Lets you escape from combat without spending an Adventure
    (Maybe)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom runaway 0.5

wumpnet
wumpus-hair net

    This is an object used by wumpuses (wumpi?) who work in the food-service industry, to keep their... wait.

    This is a net woven out of the freshly-plucked hair of a wumpus killed thousands of years ago. Yeah, I don't know how that works either.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 360 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Weakens enemies somewhat

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun

liquidmetal
pool of liquid metal

    This is a little puddle of liquid metal. Like the liquid metal robot it came from, this puddle can assume a variety of shapes, and is wondering if you've seen this boy.

    As a side note, liquid metal is my least favorite genre of music. Playing the guitar in the shower is just a bad idea.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 107 Meat.

    Does various things

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    3.75 damage to opponent
    -6.25 damage to self
    Specials: mp 5, stun 0.25

facehugger
facehugging alien

    Aw, how cute! It just wants to give you a hug! In the face!

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 66 Meat.

    Deals 100-300 Physical Damage after a few rounds have passed

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    202 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

unicycle2
rickety old unicycle

    You'll look sweet upon the seat of this -- it's a bicycle built for one half!

    Type: accessory
    Moxie Required: 200
    (can also be used in combat)
    Selling Price: 2000 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Moxie +15%
    Combat Initiative +50%
    Regenerate 10-25 MP per adventure

    NOTE: You may not equip more than one of these at a time.
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Moxie Percent: +15
    Initiative: +50
    MP Regen Min: 10
    MP Regen Max: 25
    Single Equip

    Batfactors data:
    7478 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

hulahoop
crusty hula hoop

    This little number will make all of your hoop dreams come true. You can rotate it around literally ANY part of your body! What fun! You know, for kids.

    Type: accessory
    Mysticality Required: 200
    (can also be used in combat)
    Selling Price: 1600 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Mysticality +15%
    Spell Damage +50
    75% Chance of Preventing Negative Status Attacks

    NOTE: You may not equip more than one of these at a time.
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Mysticality Percent: +15
    Spell Damage: +50
    Single Equip

    Batfactors data:
    3967 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

coily
Coily™

    What gets caught in your hair, alone or in pairs, and occasionally traverses a single stair? What brightens your day, and turns your hands gray, and is sort of fun until your brother stretches it out way too far and it never works right again? Everyone knows it's Coily™!

    Type: ranged weapon (2-handed spring)
    Damage: 20 - 40
    Moxie Required: 200
    (can also be used in combat)
    Selling Price: 1200 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Moxie +15%
    +10% Item Drops from Monsters
    +25% Meat from Monsters
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Moxie Percent: +15
    Item Drop: +10
    Meat Drop: +25

    Batfactors data:
    {3000,5500,8000} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom, !! this damage is delayed 1-3 rounds

petfrisbee
old-school flying disc

    Sadly, this little guy has seen his last trip through the seaside air -- being embedded in the Slime has completely petrified it. Not in the "terrified" sense, but in the "turned to stone" one. On the bright side, it's durable, it's not too heavy, and it's about the right size to use as a shield.

    Type: off-hand item (shield)
    Damage Reduction: 14
    Muscle Required: 200
    (can also be used in combat)
    Selling Price: 800 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Muscle +15%
    Damage Reduction: 10
    +5 to Familiar Weight
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Muscle Percent: +15
    Damage Reduction: 24
    Familiar Weight: +5

    Batfactors data:
    3000 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

jart
lawn dart

    This awesome and fun toy is meant to be thrown high into the air, so it can fall with enough velocity to plunge its sharpened metal tip into the ground.

    What could possibly go wrong?

    Type: weapon (1-handed club)
    Damage: 20 - 40
    Muscle Required: 200
    (can also be used in combat)
    Selling Price: 800 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Muscle +15%
    Weapon Damage +20%
    Maximum HP +300
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Muscle Percent: +15
    Weapon Damage Percent: +20
    Maximum HP: +300

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! 3000 dmg 1-3 turns later

redwagon
red wagon

    So much would depend on this red wagon if only you had some white chickens to put next to it. Oh, and also if it were actually a wheelbarrow.

    Type: off-hand item
    Mysticality Required: 200
    (can also be used in combat)
    Selling Price: 1600 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Mysticality +15%
    Spell Damage +50%
    Maximum MP +300
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Mysticality Percent: +15
    Spell Damage Percent: +50
    Maximum MP: +300

    Batfactors data:
    3776 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

slimestack
slime stack

    This is a stack of slabs of slime. If you had a factory whose byproduct was slime instead of smoke, it'd probably come out of something like this.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 100 Meat.

    Deals 10-20% of a monster's current Hit Points in Physical Damage
    Weakens the monster by 10%


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

camera
4-d camera

    This is a simple camera with a dark secret -- the things it takes pictures of come true! Actually, the things it takes pictures of are already true by definition, but this makes them come true again... later.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 55 Meat.

    Makes a copy of a monster to fight later


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom copy

cowbell
sea cowbell

    This is a bell from the neck of a sea cow. They wear 'em so the sea cowboys will know when they're gettin' along.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 20 Meat.

    Gives you a fever


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

lasso
sea lasso

    This waterlogged lasso will make you feel just like Will Sasso. Just don't get it tangled up in any sargasso, because that'd make you look like a real asso.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 66 Meat.

    Allows underwater rooting and tooting


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom, once

skateskates
skate skates

    This is a pair of roller skates that a roller skate uses to skate. We can only hope they came from a skate named "Kate."

    (Meat Pasting component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 160 Meat.

    Deals 150-300 Physical Damage and briefly stuns your opponent


    Batfactors data:
    {150,225,300} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

miniskate2
roller skate decoy

    This is a rough approximation of a roller skate. Now all you have to do is hide in your skate blind and make skate calls, and you'll have all the skate you can eat.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 200 Meat.

    Put it down, and monsters will attack it instead of you


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

slingshot
underwater slingshot

    This was stuck in the back pocket of an adorable urchin urchin. It's a slingshot that only works underwater -- the strands of seaweed lose their elasticity on land. Still, if you want to shoot out a few windows on the Sea Monkee's castle, this'll come in handy.

    No, you can't actually break windows with it. You scamps.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 75 Meat.

    Deals 50-100 Physical Damage
    (sometimes more)
    (and only works underwater)


    Batfactors data:
    124.2 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: underwater

skateunitard
spangly unitard

    This is the ice skate's uniform: a black spandex unitard covered with bright silver spangles. It's the most macho garment you've ever seen -- you'd have to be pretty secure in your masculinity to wear this in public.

    (Meat Pasting component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 175 Meat.

    Deals 100-250 Physical Damage and weakens your opponent somewhat


    Batfactors data:
    168.5 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

lipstick
groupie lipstick

    This is a stick of lipstick from a grouper groupie. You're not sure if grouper groupies actually have lips, or if they do, where those lips have been, so you're better off using this on someone else. Preferably someone you don't like all that much.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 65 Meat.

    Deals 150-250 Sleaze Damage


    Batfactors data:
    200 sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! more dmg spading required

miniskate1
ice skate decoy

    This is a rough approximation of an ice skate, perfect for luring groupies and having your way with them. Or the highway with them. Whichever.

    Incidentally, if you made someone more forthcoming, did you de-coy them? And what if you took all the Japanese fish out of a pond?

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 200 Meat.

    Put it down, and monsters will attack it instead of you


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

balm
can of sterno

    This little metal can of jellied alcohol is meant for powering portable stoves, chafing dishes, and things like that. Of more interest to you is the fact that it's basically a little can of napalm.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 65 Meat.

    Deals 15-20 Hot Damage and 10-20 more each round for the rest of the fight


    Batfactors data:
    {15,22.5,30} hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! ongoing 10-20 hot

smokebomb
fish-oil smoke bomb

    This is a little compressed ball of fish guts, wrapped in thin oily cloth with a little fuse sticking out of it. When lit, it produces a thick butt of smoke, enabling you to easily run away from your opponent. Though in fact you'll be concentrating more on running away from the smell of burning fish guts.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 33 Meat.
    Cannot be traded
    Quest Item

    Lets you escape from combat without spending an Adventure


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom runaway

blooddrops
spooky sap

    This is a spooky guy whose girlfriend is cheating on him.

    Nah, actually it's just a few drops of tree-blood from a spooky tree. It looks frighteningly delicious.

    Type: potion
    Effect: Sugar Rush
    Duration: 5 Adventures
    (can also be used in combat)
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a lot when used as a combat item

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Sugar Rush"
    Effect Duration: 5

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

Sugar Rush

    You're full of sugar. The net effect is the same as being full of piss and vinegar.

+20% Combat Initiative
Muscle +5%
Moxie +5%
Mysticality -10%


Mafia's modifiers:
Initiative: +20
Muscle Percent: +5
Moxie Percent: +5
Mysticality Percent: -10
petnoodles
petrified wood

    This is a piece of wood from a tree that got so scared it turned to stone. So, I guess pretty much it's just a rock.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Deals 50-60 Physical Damage and 50-60 Spooky Damage

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    110 none,spooky damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

sawdustbag
Mer-kin sawdust

    This is a bag of that weird-smelling red sawdust janitors use to clean up puke in elementary schools. This particular one came from a Mer-kin janitor, which leads you to spend way too long thinking about the logistics of underwater vomit cleanup.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 18 Meat.

    Deals 450-500 Physical Damage underwater
    Weakens enemies a lot on land


    Batfactors data:
    400 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun, underwater

candyclub
candy kneecapping stick

    This is a thick club made out of sugar and peppermint oil. Y'know, because a mere candy cane doesn't get across that "I will shatter your patellae with festive Crimbo cheer" vibe.

    Type: food (good)
    Size: 1
    Effect: Sugar Rush
    Duration: 5 Adventures
    (can also be used in combat)
    Level required: 4
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 10-20 Physical Damage when used as a combat item

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Sugar Rush"
    Effect Duration: 5

    Batfactors data:
    15+10*min(1,effect(17)) damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

Sugar Rush

    You're full of sugar. The net effect is the same as being full of piss and vinegar.

+20% Combat Initiative
Muscle +5%
Moxie +5%
Mysticality -10%


Mafia's modifiers:
Initiative: +20
Muscle Percent: +5
Moxie Percent: +5
Mysticality Percent: -10
licgarotte
licorice garrote

    This is a thick rope of licorice which can also be used to crush the trachea of anyone who doesn't have sufficient Crimbo spirit (or, y'know, anyone who does, too. It's not picky). Sure, piano wire's better for garotting, but it tends to get stuck in your teeth, and radio wire tastes too tomato-y.

    Type: food (good)
    Size: 1
    Effect: Sugar Rush
    Duration: 5 Adventures
    (can also be used in combat)
    Level required: 4
    Cannot be discarded

    Weakens enemies based on how sugared-up you are

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Sugar Rush"
    Effect Duration: 5

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

Sugar Rush

    You're full of sugar. The net effect is the same as being full of piss and vinegar.

+20% Combat Initiative
Muscle +5%
Moxie +5%
Mysticality -10%


Mafia's modifiers:
Initiative: +20
Muscle Percent: +5
Moxie Percent: +5
Mysticality Percent: -10
sealsnare
sealhide snare

    This simple, yet sophisticated, bit of hunting gear consists of leather cords that entangle your prey's legs. It's also a hilarious gag at parties.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Stuns your opponent for a few rounds


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun {2,2.5,3}

clippings
grass clippings

    This pile of freshly-cut grass smells just like an idyllic childhood.

    Type: combat item

    Weakens enemies very slightly

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{3,4,5}, def -{3,4,5}, !! defeats Landscaper

brickoblack
black BRICKO brick

    This BRICKO brick has turned black from exposure to octopus ink. It'd be great for covering up the eyes of a BRICKO creature if you wanted to publish naughty pictures of it. Or prevent it from attacking you.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Stuns your opponent for a few rounds
    (more effective against BRICKO monsters)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 2, !! stuns much longer vs BRICKOs

brickogreen
green BRICKO brick

    This is a BRICKO brick shot through with deadly poison which has tainted it green. Because everybody knows that all poison is green. If you're ever wondering if something is poisoned, your first question should be "Is it green?" If it's not green, eat it, because you're totally safe. In fact, the whole reason Kings had food tasters in ancient days is because they were all colorblind.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 100 Meat.

    Deals a percentage of a monster's current Hit Points in Physical Damage
    (more effective against BRICKO monsters)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    4 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! poisons BRICKOs for 10% of their remaining hp

brickobroken
broken BRICKO brick

    This is a BRICKO brick that has been destroyed in a vacuum cleaner. Because nothing can live in a vacuum cleaner.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 200 Meat.

    Deals Physical Damage every round for the rest of the fight
    (deals more damage if you use additional ones)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    {50,75,100} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! this dmg is ongoing and x10 vs BRICKOs

brickoreactor
BRICKO reactor

    The extreme density of magic and BRICKOs in that airship has created this technological marvel -- some sort of arcane fusion reactor. The way it's throbbing with deep red light, you suspect that it might have become unstable during the fight.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 200-1000 Physical Damage
    (more effective against BRICKO monsters)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    50000 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

hedgeball
croquet hedgehog

    This is a hedgehog that has been trained to act as a croquet ball, insofar as a hedgehog can be trained. Which, for what it's worth, is not in so very far at all.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 45 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a little bit every round for the rest of the fight

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{5,7.5,10}, def -{5,7.5,10}

quark
fat bottom quark

    Few people outside the field of theoretical physics know this, but all stench is caused, on a subatomic level, by bottom quarks. They're normally too small to see, but this one, having been fed backwards through the Small-o-Fier, is large enough to see with the naked eye, by red firelight.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 66 Meat.

    Deals 25-40 Stench Damage

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    {25,32.5,40} stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

lore
big glob of skin

    This is a massive chunk of oversized skin cells. Your skin cells, lest you think it's, like, gross.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 65 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Restores half of your missing Hit Points


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -0.5*(maxhp-myhp) damage to self

bigrock
boulder

    This is a speck of dust that has been run through Professor Jacking's Small-O-Fier backwards. The result is a very large, very light boulder.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 44 Meat.

    Deals 20-30 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    {20,25,30} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

tinygothgiant
tiny goth giant

    This is a goth giant that has been run through Professor Jacking's Huge-A-Ma-Tron backwards, resulting in an adorable, depressed little guy that fits in the palm of your hand.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Selling Price: 1000 Meat.

    Makes combat all Gothy
    (doesn't go away when used)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

pixcross
pixel cross

    This is a pixellated cross, named after the way your enemies will feel when you throw it at them and it hits them twice.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 35 Meat.

    Deals 80-100 Physical Damage
    (does it again the next round)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    90 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

pixvial
pixel holy water

    This is a pixellated vial of pixellated blue liquid. It feels good, not in the way that a backrub feels good, but in the way that a backrub from a nun feels good.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 35 Meat.

    Deals 50-60 Physical Damage per round for the rest of the fight

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    {50,55,60} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

pixwatch
pixel stopwatch

    This is a fancy-looking blue stopwatch made out of pixels.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Stuns your opponent for a few rounds

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 5

plasticcup
plastic cup of beer

    If you like your beer like you like your women, and you like your women cheap, skunky, and in a plastic cup, then this is the beer for you.

    I'm not even going to comment on the quality of the head on the beer, because this is a family game and you should all grow up.

    Type: booze (crappy)
    Potency: 1
    (can also be used in combat)
    Selling Price: 10 Meat.
    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    {30,35,40}*(1-loc(kegger)) sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! special results against Kegger monsters

handcuffs
bronze handcuffs

    This is a pair of handcuffs made out of bronze. They look like what you'd win if you took third place in the kinky olympics.

    I assume. I've only ever placed first in the kinky olympics, and I can't even describe that prize without blowing your vanilla little mind.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Handcuff yourself to your opponent

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom, !! handcuffs you to the monster - both your attacks never miss

plasticcup
plastic cup of flat beer

    This is a plastic cup full of old, flat beer. You're certainly not going to drink it. Have you considered throwing it on somebody?

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 10 Meat.

    Deals 30-40 Sleaze Damage and increases Item Drops by 15% if you win


    Batfactors data:
    {30,35,40} sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! +15 items at end of combat

fingertrap
finger cuffs

    What we have here is a cheap wicker tube. The idea is, you get someone to stick their fingers in it, and then they're trapped! Ha ha ha!

    Assuming they're unwilling to just tear your stupid wicker fingertrap into bits, of course, which most people won't be.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 10 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Stuns your opponent for a few rounds

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun {2,2.5,3}

paraguy
little parachute guy

    This is one of those little plastic army guys with a cellophane parachute attached. What's fun about these is the way you can melt the guy's nose with a cigarette lighter and pretend he's Owen Wilson behind enemy lines. Assuming the enemy is about six feet away from where you're standing.

    What's even more fun is pretending that all the guys Owen Wilson has ever played are actually all the same character, just working at a different job.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 10 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Eventually restores 10-20 HP and MP

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -15 damage to self
    Specials: custom, mp 15, !! restores 10-20 HP/MP at end of combat

cannedair
imp air

    This is a can full of compressed air from Hey Deze. Imps use it in the Kingdom to keep themselves refreshed. Since the air of Hey Deze is blisteringly hot, foul-smelling, and possibly carcinogenic, I'd recommend using it on monsters, not yourself.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 40 Meat.

    Deals 35-40 Hot Damage


    Batfactors data:
    {35,37.5,40} hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

librarycard
bus pass

    This is a ticket for the bus that inkubi, suckubi, and serialbi ride to work. There's only one bus, because otherwise it'd be a bi, and then it'd be too busy exploring dating options to pick anyone up.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    Deals 45-50 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    47 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

rattails
tangle of rat tails

    Oh what a tangled mess we sees, when first we cement a bunch of rats' tails together with matted hair and feces.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 50-70 Sleaze Damage and 100-120 Stench Damage


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

pumpkinbomb
pumpkin bomb

    Hello, Daddy, Hello, Mom
    I'm a p-p-p-p-pumpkin bomb!

    So that happened. Anyway, this is a pumpkin with a lit fuse sticking out of it. I recommend a combination of a gyroscopic glider and a ridiculous costume as a delivery mechanism. That way, it's sure to disarm your opponent and leave them frail and bedazzled, a total zero.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 10 Meat.

    Vaporizes an enemy and causes all of its items to drop

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom yellow, endscombat

copier
portable photocopier

    It's amazing what they've done with totally antiquated, almost entirely obsolete technology. With this little handheld number, you can make a wasteful paper copy of almost any document you've wastefully printed on a different sheet of paper. Well, that's its intended use, at least. You've never been one to let The Man tell you what to do, though, have you?

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Makes a photocopy of an enemy

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

clipsproinger
paperclip sproinger

    This is a paperclip carefully bent into a triangle filled with potential energy. Just breathe on it funny, boy, and it's SPROING. That's why they call it a sproinger. Or rather that's why I decided, just now, that that's what it's called.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded

    Stuns your opponent for a couple of rounds and deals 10-15 Physical Damage

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    10 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 2

blankoutglob
glob of Blank-Out

    This is a messy, sticky, drippy mass of Blank-Out. It reminds you of that time you had a handful of partially-dried white paint, and you walked around wondering why you were walking around with a handful of partially-dried white paint.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Lets you escape from combat without spending an Adventure
    (usable a few times before it goes away)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom runaway

goto
GOTO

    A GOTO is a programming language instruction designed to shunt the program to a different part of the code. You don't know where this particular one directs to, or what will happen if you use it on a physical creature, or how any of this is even the slightest bit possible, but it might be fun to find out.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Lets you escape from combat without spending an Adventure
    (Maybe)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom runaway 0.3, stun

doubleice
shard of double-ice

    This is some water that is so cold that it has taken on a new form of matter that's even more solid than solid. Word to your mother.

    Type: usable
    (can also be used in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Cold Damage based on your highest stat
    (and leaves the monster permanently cold)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    max(buffedmus,max(buffedmox,buffedmys)) cold damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: once, !! aligns monster to cold

skullyscrew
Skullhead's Screw

    This little piece of hardware has thousands of uses around the home. Use it standing up, use it lying down, use it on the horse you rode in on, use it sideways, use it in your ear -- the possibilities are limitless!

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 10-20 Sleaze Damage

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom, !! utters profanity?

russianice
Russian Ice

    What's its hurry? Hurr hurr hurr.

    This is a bottle of sticky-sweet malt liquor. Its primary claim to fame is it's so gross that the frat orcs have a game where you force other people to drink it. We're sure you'll figure out the rules amongst yourselves.

    Type: booze (good)
    Potency: 1
    (can also be used in combat)
    Level required: 2
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.

    Weakens enemies somewhat when used as a combat item

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{14,14.5,15}, def -{13,14,15}

paintbomb
paint bomb

    This is a little glass jar filled with a bunch of different colors of highly-flammable paint, with a fuse in it. Imagine Bob Ross meets the Unabomber.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 35 Meat.

    Deals 5-10 Prismatic Damage
    (keeps dealing damage every round)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    {25,37.5,50} hot,cold,spooky,stench,sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! this is ongoing

book4
Massive Manual of Marauder Mockery

    This book claims to contain 1,001 insults, taunts, and put-downs for any occasion... well, any occasion involving pirates, anyway. It's got everything from the old classics ("You fight like a dairy farmer!") to the newest snaps ("Yo captain's so fat, when they load his booty on the ship, there's no room left for any treasure!"). Guaranteed to put the saltiest bilge-rats and scallywags in their place!

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Selling Price: 250 Meat.

    Makes marauder mockery mossible

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom, att 0.3*buffedmox

bigbomb
The Bomb

    This bomb is the bomb. Literally. They blew up the mold after they made this one.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Deals 400-500 Physical Damage

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    monsterhp damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! insta-kills non-bosses

light
unbearable light

    There's so much light here you can't stand it. You should do with it what you always do with stuff you don't like -- throw it at your enemies.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Vaporizes an enemy and causes all of its items to drop

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom yellow, endscombat

snowflake
oversized snowflake

    They say every snowflake is unique, and if they were all this size, it'd be really easy to verify that.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Stuns your opponent for a few rounds

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 3

crystalskull
crystal skull

    This is an object that demonstrates what would happen to a human skull if you slowly replaced parts of it with little bits of crystal until the person whose head it was in was like some kind of crazy psychic magical crystal cyborg.

    Or what would happen if you carved a skull out of a big piece of crystal. There's no way to be sure.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Banishes a monster for a while

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom banish 20, endscombat

hammerbox
box of hammers

    Few items are as misunderstood as the simple box of hammers. It's no dumber than a box of screwdrivers, or a box of pairs of pliers, when you come right down to it, but does anybody ever talk trash about those guys? Nope.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Deals 400-500 Physical Damage
    (way more effective against constructs)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    450 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! insta-kills objects

bomb
holy bomb, batman

    This is a bomb filled not with gunpowder, but with the brilliant, cleansing light of pure righteousness. How do they get it in there? Faith, that's how.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Deals 400-500 Physical Damage
    (way more effective against undead foes)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    475 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! range unspaded

grenade
bobcat grenade

    Instead of gunpowder, bomb contained bobcats. Would not summon again.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Deals 400-500 Physical Damage
    (super effective against beasts)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    monsterhp damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! looks like another insta-kill

bigbomb
chocolate frosted sugar bomb

    This is a bomb made of sugar, with explosive compressed sugar inside it. The fuse is also made of sugar.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Deals 200-300 Physical Damage
    Weakens enemies somewhat

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    {200,250,300} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -20, def -20, !! range unspaded

grenade
broken glass grenade

    This is a grenade made out of glass, stuffed full of broken glass. When you throw it, it shatters, and the outside broken glass mixes with the inside broken glass and then there's the bleeding and the hurting and the hey hey hey.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Deals 100-200 Physical Damage
    Weakens enemies a lot

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    {100,125,150} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -50, def -50, !! range unspaded

grenade
noxious gas grenade

    This grenade has a cryptic sticker on it depicting an outline of a cat and what appears to be a crudely-drawn asterisk. Huh. Wonder what that's all about.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Deals 200-300 Stench Damage and lingering Poison Damage

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    {230,260,290}+150 stench,none damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! stench attack; start poison same round

skullbomb
skull with a fuse in it

    This is what it would say on the tin, if it was in a tin.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Deals 400-500 Physical Damage

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    400 spooky damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! dmg unspaded

bomb
boozebomb

    This is a bomb with a liquid center. Like most good liquids, the liquid is booze.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Deals 400-500 Physical Damage
    (super effective against orcs)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    450 sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! dmg unspaded

clockbomb
4:20 bomb

    This is a bomb concealed in a clock whose hands are stuck at 4:20.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Deals 400-500 Physical Damage
    (super effective against hippies)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    490 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! dmg unspaded

d4
d4

    This is a four-sided die, perfect for roleplaying a tiny mummy.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Weakens enemies by 10-40%

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{1,20,40}, def -{1,20,40}

d6
d6

    Ah, the d6. Because nerds need a different name for the thing that a regular person refers to as a die.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Stuns your opponent for 1-6 rounds

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    {1,73.5,216} cold damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 2

d8
d8

    This is a d8. If you know what one of these is, chances are you haven't gone on many d8s! Ha ha. Nerd.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Prismatic Damage based on your Level

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    ceil(L/3.0)*{1,4.5,8}*5 cold,hot,spooky,sleaze,stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

d10
d10

    In a perfect world, you'd be able to make a solid that had ten sides but that wasn't one of these. Of course, in a perfect world, you wouldn't need to play role-playing games to escape the horrors of your day-to-day life, so maybe never mind.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Weakens enemies somewhat

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -20, def -18

d12
d12

    The d12 is a dodecahedron, the word that is as much fun to say as it is to gaze upon the object it signifies. Watch out for wumpuses, though.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals a bunch of damage of a random element

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Bastard!"
    Effect Duration: 10

    Batfactors data:
    L*{1,6.5,12} cold,hot,spooky,sleaze,stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

d20
d20

    When you absolutely, positively must generate a random number between 1 and 20, accept no substitute.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 1-20 Hot Damage times your Level

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    L*{1,10.5,20} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

ghosttrap
ghost trap

    You built this custom ghost-catching trap out of old vacuum-cleaner parts, plus the radiation-shielding from an old microwave oven for the containment vessel. It's not pretty, but it should work fine. Probably.

    I mean, the chances of it tearing open a cross-dimensional hole in spacetime or something are very, very low.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Traps ghosts

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom, endscombat

chainsawchain
chainsaw chain

    A chainsaw chain is a lot like a bicycle chain, except that it has razor-sharp blades sticking out of all the links. I guess you could use it as a bicycle chain if you wanted to make a really awesome Road Warrior-style bike, though.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 60-80 Physical Damage and weakens enemies a lot

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    118 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun, att -20, def -24

document
ghost protocol

    This is a list of simple instructions for temporarily turning yourself into a ghost. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to read them and go all translucent and boogity-boogity.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Makes you nearly impervious to damage for the duration of the fight

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom, !! makes you Spectral for 3 rounds

flower
death blossom

    Normally, flowers on an old battlefield are symbols of peace. This one came from an old battlefield that's still bristling with ghostly conflict, so it's more a symbol of... just... additional war.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 20-25 Prismatic Damage


    Batfactors data:
    125 cold,hot,spooky,sleaze,stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

miniboiler
miniature boiler

    This is a little toy boiler. The idea is that you use it to teach children how to be safe if they happen to find themselves unattended in a building that's like 200 years old.

    Seriously. Who even has a boiler anymore?

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 20-40 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    30 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: aoe 10, !! deals 200-400 damage to group monsters

pep_crook
peppermint crook

    Peppermint Richard Nixon would have you believe that this is the opposite of him.

    (Meat Pasting component)
    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Steals an item from your enemy
    (Maybe)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom, !! pickpocket an item

pep_parasol
peppermint parasol

    The reason this is called a peppermint parasol instead of a peppermint umbrella is that it's made of peppermint, so its functionality is much better in sunny situations than in rainy ones.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Lets you escape from combat without spending an Adventure
    (Maybe)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom runaway

powder
candycaine powder

    This is one of the world's deadliest poisons -- a colorless, tasteless, odorless powder.

    Wait, scratch that. It's actually bright red and white, and it tastes and smells really, really strongly of peppermint. That's... Keep this stuff away from your kids, man, because jeez.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    Poisons your opponent

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    4 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! poison 1.5x multiplier

trolldoll
cinnamon troll doll

    This is an adorable little candy-scented doll of a wild-haired troll. Shimmering waves of heat rise from its fiery mane. Think twice before you use hairspray on it. Actually, more than twice. Think as many times as it takes you to not use hairspray on it at all.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 3-5 Hot Damage
    (doesn't go away when used)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    {3,4,5} hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: once, !! ongoing damage until end of combat

trolldoll
grape troll doll

    This is a little troll doll with wild, unkempt, grape-scented hair. Like a prehistoric caveman, frozen in grape juice.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 3-5 Sleaze Damage
    (doesn't go away when used)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    {3,4,5} sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: once, !! ongoing damage until end of combat

trolldoll
blue raspberry troll doll

    This is a little troll doll with a blue, raspberry-scented shock of hair. Little crystals of ice scintillate in the air near it, implying that it's either really cold, or has a lot of really close friends that are snowflakes.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 3-5 Cold Damage
    (doesn't go away when used)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    {3,4,5} cold damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: once, !! ongoing damage until end of combat

bark3
clumsiness bark

    From the Clumsiness Grove comes this piece of a tree,
    It's clammy and moist to a noxious degree.
    It does something special; I'll tell you so plainly,
    Whoever's around it becomes quite ungainly.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 10-20 Physical Damage and briefly stuns your foe

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    16 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! 1000 damage against bat in spats or fist-drawn Thorax

windjar
jar full of wind

    Some say that love's just a bunch of hot air,
    A description, in this case, entirely fair.
    For this is a sigh of a lover who sinned,
    It tore loose from his chest and came floating downwind.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Weakens enemies somewhat and briefly stuns them

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

jerkcicle
dangerous jerkcicle

    This is a shard from a glacier of ice,
    A place to house souls that were not very nice.
    The ice in the glacier's infused with these jerks,
    Nobody is really quite sure how that works,
    But you'll find this the angriest ice that you've seen!
    (You've not seen angry ice before. That's what I mean.)

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 20-40 Cold Damage

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    40 cold damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! deals crazy damage to snitch

pog
pog #01 (spider)

    This is a little cardboard disk with a picture of a big creepy spider on it. It does whatever a spider can, as long we limit the set of spiders to only dead spiders.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Does all sorts of crazy things

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.

pog
pog #02 (Knob goblin)

    This is a little cardboard disk with a Knob goblin printed on it. Its eyes are even beadier in this format -- you don't trust it even more.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Does all sorts of crazy things

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.

pog
pog #03 (warwelf)

    This is a little cardboard disk with a warwelf printed on it. It'll be handy if anybody ever challenges you to a pog battle in Flagstaff.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Does all sorts of crazy things

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.

pog
pog #04 (skleleton)

    This is a little cardboard disk with a picture of a skleleton printed on it. It's a little skinnier than you'd expect -- maybe the printer was trying to save money on ink.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Does all sorts of crazy things

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.

pog
pog #05 (ninja snowman)

    This is a small cardboard disk with nothing printed on it. Wait, no, there's a ninja snowman on there. He's just really hard to see.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Does all sorts of crazy things

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.

pog
pog #06 (filthy hippy)

    This is a small cardboard disk with a picture of a filthy hippy printed on it. Freakin' hippies, man. Even pictures of them make you angry.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Does all sorts of crazy things

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.

pog
pog #07 (orcish frat boy)

    This is a small cardboard disc with an Orcish frat boy printed on it. It's also a little damp -- looks like the picture of a frat boy spilled his picture of a pitcher of beer.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Does all sorts of crazy things

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.

pog
pog #08 (hellion)

    This is a little cardboard disk with a picture of a hellion printed on it. The new, good picture, not the crappy old one with all the personality.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Does all sorts of crazy things

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.

pog
pog #09 (pirate)

    This be a little cardboard disk with a picture of a pirate printed on it.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Does all sorts of crazy things

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.

pog
pog #10 (hobo)

    This is a little cardboard disk with a picture of a hobo printed on it. It'd be right at home in the boxcar of a model train.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Does all sorts of crazy things

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.

pog
pog #11 (Naughty Sorceress)

    This is a little cardboard disk with a picture of the Naughty Sorceress printed on it, in all her glory. Well, a tiny, flatter version of all her glory. Which is still a lot of glory, don't get me wrong.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Does all sorts of crazy things

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.

spookybark
whimpering willow bark

    Here is some bark from a whimpering willow,
    Use it before your head lands on your pillow,
    And pains that you have will be gone overnight!
    I'd say that this bark's far more nice than a bite.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    Restores up to 25% of your Maximum HP

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -min(0.25*maxhp,0.5*(maxhp-myhp)) damage to self

coffeecup
cup of hickory chicory

    This is a coffee-like brew, sans caffeine
    A drink with no purpose, far as I can glean
    Like the women I like, it is dark and it's bitter
    So drink it up, doc! C'mon! don't be a quitter.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.

    Restores 30-50 MP

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp {35,42,49}

magnolia
magnolia blossom

    In the deep South of Hey Deze, where flames flare and scorch
    You can sip a mint julep right on your front porch
    And you'll smell the magnolia waft through the air
    From the trees that are souls damned to endless despair.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 10 Meat.

    Restores 15-30 HP and MP

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -20 damage to self
    Specials: mp 26

whistle
Winifred's whistle

    No unwelcome advance would woo Winifred Wongle,
    For when they were made, she would break out this dongle,
    A whistle so loud and so piercing and shrill,
    It'd make Casanova feel physically ill.
    So let the wolves whistle and try to talk smack,
    With Winifred's whistle you'll whistle right back.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 100 Meat.

    Banishes a monster for a while

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom runaway

milkcarton
half-empty carton of milk

    Some terrible jerk has drank half of your milk!
    What's worse is he -- as is the wont of his ilk --
    Left it out on the counter for hour after hour!
    Now it's green and it's lumpy. I think it's gone sour.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.

    Deals 50-100 Stench Damage

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    {56,90,129} stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

slapper
pink-belly slapper

    This is a small plastic hand on a string,
    If you're looking to bully folks, it's just the thing!
    It'll slap any belly as pink as a pig,
    And the strongest of folks will shout out, "What the frig?!"

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 80 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a little bit, brieftly stuns them, and restores 8-16 of your Hit Points

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -{9,10.5,12} damage to self
    Specials: att -{9,9.5,10}, def -{8,8.5,9}

raindohagent
Rain-Doh orange agent

    This is a little clay secret agent man. Or, that is, he'd be secret if he wasn't the kind of orange that makes a traffic cone seem sedate by comparison.

    Try not to develop a crush on him, okay?

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Deals Physical Damage for Meat
    (doesn't go away when used)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    {10,30,50}+20 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: meat -{10,30,50}

raindohballs
Rain-Doh blue balls

    This is a pair of vibrant blue bola balls (bola being BorderSpeak for "ball," so they're "ball balls."). The way they work is this: first you get your opponent all excited about fighting, then you throw these at him to shut him down, and then he gets sad and frustrated and a little nauseated.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Deals 10-20 Cold Damage and stuns opponent for a couple of rounds
    (doesn't go away when used)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    {10,15,20} cold damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: once, stun 3

raindohcup
Rain-Doh indigo cup

    I'm trying to tell you something 'bout this cup: drinking from it is as refreshing as hearing crunchy granola folk rock from two girls.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Heals 20% of your Maximum Hit Points
    (doesn't go away when used)

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -0.2*maxhp damage to self
    Specials: once, stun

raindohbox
Rain-Doh black box

    This is a box made out of jet-black, vaguely pulsating Rain-Doh. It has a little button on the side. If you press that button, two things will happen: you'll capture the soul of a monster, and someone you don't know will die. Or at least have a lingering cough.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Makes a copy of a monster to fight later

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom copy

ancientdart
ancient poisoned dart

    This dusty little dart sat for centuries in an ancient trap mechanism in the Hidden Temple. These days, they don't make poison like they used to, but they definitely used to make it like they used to, so the poison on this one is probably still good and potent.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 35 Meat.

    Poisons your opponent


    Batfactors data:
    8 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! poison 0.5 multiplier

pooltorpedo
pool torpedo

    This is a little torpedo made of some kind of superdense foam. It's really hydrodynamic, which means... science.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 1 Meat.

    Deals 250-250 Physical Damage
    (underwater only)
    (has a chance to not go away when used)


    Batfactors data:
    {280,288.5,297} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: underwater, !! sometimes not consumed when single-used

soggybandaid
soggy used band-aid

    This is a band-aid that fell off of some kid in a swimming pool, an indeterminate amount of time ago. There's still a little rusty splotch of blood on it, but the chlorine and the passage of time have surely made it safe to use. Right?

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Heals all of your Hit Points and stuns your opponent for a few rounds


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -maxhp damage to self
    Specials: stun 3

web
quantum nanopolymer spider web

    Spider bugbear, spider bugbear, does whatever a spider can, only better, because of advanced bugbear nanotechnology.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 60 Meat.

    Weakens enemies somewhat and briefly stuns them


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun, att -{18,18.5,19}

targetchip
drone self-destruct chip

    This chip used to be inside a bugbear drone, and was part of the system that allowed it to be remotely self-destructed if it ever went rogue. Because if movies have taught us anything, it's that drones will always go rogue.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 75 Meat.

    Deals 55-60 Hot Damage


    Batfactors data:
    {29,41,55} hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

pacgrenade
pacification grenade

    If you can't win the hearts and minds of the locals via responsible invasion behavior, maybe you should consider the magic of modern chemistry instead.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 75 Meat.

    Weakens enemies somewhat


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{18,19,20}, def -{18,19,20}

comb
The Lost Comb

    This is a small black comb that says "UNBREAKABLE" on the top. Since it probably couldn't survive getting hit with a hammer or run over by a meatcar, it's probably a promo item from a pretty awesome movie.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Stuns your opponent for a few rounds


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 3, once

crayonshavings
crayon shavings

    This is a little pile of black wax flakes that smell like your childhood.

    Type: usable
    (can also be used in combat)
    Selling Price: 10 Meat.

    Weakens enemies by 30%

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -0.3*monsterattack, def -0.3*monsterattack, !! copies bugbears rather than delevels them

smokinggrass
smoking grass

    Your mother told you not to do this, but you did it anyway. You picked a blade of grass from a super-hot magical grassfire, and now here you are, with a blade of grass so hot and smoldery (is smoldery a word?) that it's making you cough and making your eyes all bloodshot, and what was I talking about? Do you guys have any potato chips or anything?

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 23 Meat.

    Deals 250-300 Hot Damage and also, like, weakens enemies a bunch and briefly makes them forget what they were doing

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    {250,275,300} hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -50, def -50

claybomb
ballpark hot daub

    This is a daub of hot clay formed into a sphere, perfect for use in any ball-related sport. Well, any ball-related sport in which you don't care whether or not the players' hands get burned.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 450-500 Hot Damage, also briefly stuns enemies and weakens them a lot

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    {450,475,500} hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -75, def -75

grenade
CSA obedience grenade

    This is a gas grenade filled with what the boys in the CSA labs call "yes juice." This is also what Juice Newton's servants say when she asks them to do something.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 23 Meat.

    Stuns your opponent for a few rounds and weakens them by 5%

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 3, att -3, def -3, !! actual deleveling varies - amount unknown

pixeltank
pixel energy tank

    This is a big blue canister with the letter E on it. Since it's not a small pink pill with the letter E on it, it's probably unlikely to get you arrested.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Cannot be discarded

    Restores up to 1,000 HP and MP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -1000 damage to self
    Specials: mp 1000, !! restore

cartoonheart
cartoon heart

    Aww, that monster you killed left behind a valentine for you. Now don't you feel rotten?

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 10 Meat.

    Restores 40-60 HP
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Healthy Red Glow"
    Effect Duration: 10

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -52 damage to self
    Specials: !! also gives Healthy Red Glow (10 turns)

goldstar
gold star

    That was an A+ kill, and here's your gold star. Not in sticker form, but rather a glowing, hovering, star-shaped wad of magical energy. I'm not sure how you're going to get the magic out of it and into you... eat it, I guess?

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 10 Meat.

    Restores 20-30 MP
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Healthy Blue Glow"
    Effect Duration: 10

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp 21, !! also gives Healthy Blue Glow (10 turns)

vial2
vial of holy water

    This is a little glass bottle of water, which you assume to be holy, because it has a cross on it. You can throw it at monsters to set them on fire, even if the monster is something not inherently evil, like a wolf. So I guess the question is not how do you know it's holy, but how do you know it's water?

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Deals 40-60 Hot Damage


    Batfactors data:
    42 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

potion15
red potion

    Since most injuries that adventurers receive are things like sword wounds and monster bites -- injuries that result in major blood loss -- you could think of this as being essentially a bottle of your own blood, to top off the tank when you're getting low.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 20 Meat.

    Restores 90-110 HP
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Healthy Red Glow"
    Effect Duration: 20

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -100 damage to self

potion16
blue potion

    This is a bottle of blue liquid, which you assume is for restoring your magical energy. After all, it's blue. Blue means magic.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 20 Meat.

    Restores 20-30 MP
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Healthy Blue Glow"
    Effect Duration: 20

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp 50

bluebomb
round blue bomb

    You might think that 'spherical' would be a bad shape for something designed for demolitions, because it'd have a tendency to roll away from whatever you're trying to blow up, possibly toward you, or your supply of extra bombs.

    You'd be correct, too, so it's fortunate that these bombs weren't in fact designed for demolitions, but for throwing at monsters.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 100 Meat.

    Deals 90-110 Hot Damage


    Batfactors data:
    {91,100.5,110} hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

potion18
extra-strength red potion

    This fancy crystal decanter is full of a bright red liquid that, presumably, will heal you if you drink it. Use only as directed, consult your physician if you are pregnant or nursing, or if you are taking an MAO inhibitor.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 40 Meat.

    Restores 190-210 HP
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Healthy Red Glow"
    Effect Duration: 40

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -200 damage to self

potion17
fancy blue potion

    This is a fancy crystal decanter filled with a glowing blue liquid, which you assume will restore your magical energy.

    The label on the bottle says "Ether", which is, uh, surprising. Although I guess Hunter S. Thompson would agree that ether is definitely a powerful magical elixir.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 40 Meat.

    Restores 90-110 MP
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Healthy Blue Glow"
    Effect Duration: 40

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: mp 106, !! also gives Healthy Blue Glow (40 turns)

fireball2
fireball

    Ordinarily I would caution you against picking up a literal ball of fire with your bare hands, but for some reason it doesn't seem to be affecting you. It's as though it's in some kind of magical suspended animation, preventing it from exploding or burning you or even being hot to the touch. Holding it is like holding an ethereal, room-temperature grapefruit.

    I suppose a fireball is already pretty magical, so anything else magical about it shouldn't come as much of a surprise, but it's still weird.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 200 Meat.

    Deals 190-210 Hot Damage


    Batfactors data:
    {200,225,250} hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

syringe2
Duskwalker syringe

    This is a syringe used by Duskwalkers to convert others into creatures of the twilight (and I cannot stress how lame it is to inject someone with vampire. I know we keep coming back to this, but damn). It's manufactured to work best with Duskwalker venom, but it can probably draw out anything else sufficiently crude and oily.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Deals 25-40 Spooky Damage


    Batfactors data:
    38 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

tripple
Space Tours Tripple

    This is a little furry creature that Captain Kerkard encountered on his Space Tours. It's known for two things: breeding like a nymphomaniac bunny and secreting a powerful psychotropic enzyme through its fur.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a little bit


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! possibly calms flipped out foes

lightsaver
Battlie Light Saver

    This is a portable device that Duke Starkiller used in the Galaxy Battles. It saves up light, compresses it, and allows you to hurl a bolt of it at someone.

    The original design was a sword made out of light, but c'mon. How would the blade know where to stop?

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 55 Meat.

    Deals 30-50 Physical Damage and briefly stuns your foe


    Batfactors data:
    49 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun

tardiskey
T.U.R.D.S. Key

    This is a special key that can call a T.U.R.D.S., one of the Professor's carriers full of Troops Unexpanded in Relative Dimensions in Space. Just wash your hands after you use it.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 60 Meat.

    Lets you escape from combat without spending an Adventure
    (Maybe)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom runaway 0.1

oilyboid
oily boid

    This is a boid made of oil. If its wing gets boint, you'll have to noise it back to health.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a little bit as it briefly stuns them


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{5,6.5,8}, def -{5,6.5,8}

tuxmonkey
classy monkey

    This is a little stuffed monkey with a tophat, a monocle, and a... big elastic strap attached to it?

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Lets you escape from combat without spending an Adventure

    NOTE: This item is too old to use on your current path.


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom banish 20, endscombat

whisk
Artist's Whisk of Misery

    This is a whisk, basically a handle with a bunch of wire loops on it. In the hands of an artist trying to make breakfast, though, it's a potent metaphor for confusion and suffering.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 11 Meat.

    Deals 10-20 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    20 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

butterknife
Artist's Butterknife of Regret

    The dull ineffectiveness of a butterknife is a perfect metaphor for the paralyzing dull ache of regret. Provided, of course, you're a sufficiently pretentious artist to make a metaphor out of everything.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 11 Meat.

    Deals 10-20 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    12 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

spatula3
Artist's Spatula of Despair

    If you're looking for a spoon, knife, or fork, a spatula can only disappoint you, and eventually lead you down the wilted garden path to despair.

    I mean, if you happen to be looking for a spatula, they're all right, but usually they're just taking up space in your utensil drawer and making it impossible to open or close, dammit.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 11 Meat.

    Deals 10-20 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    18 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

cutter
Artist's Cookie Cutter of Loneliness

    Granted, a cookie cutter can make individual pieces of cookie dough isolated and lonely. But as far as people are concerned, you're never truly alone if you have cookies to eat.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 11 Meat.

    Deals 10-20 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    12 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

bruleetorch
Artist's Crème Brulée Torch of Fury

    With the Crème Brûlée Torch of Fury, the elemental power of fire is yours to wield. Snap in the Butane Cartridge of Anger, click the Flint of Resentment, and carmelize the Sugar of Complacency!

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 11 Meat.

    Deals 10-20 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    14 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

nvgoggles
strange goggles

    This weird electronic gizmo was like the other ones I'd found in the triad factory, except that the sharp metal probes had been replaced with a much safer-looking pair of goggles, and there was an extra cord coming off, which ended in one of those pointy steel plugs like they use for stereos.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat) (reusable)
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    ???


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! for defeating The Server

abacus
brass abacus

    This is a pretty nice-looking abacus, with shiny brass beads and a green marble base. If you knew how to use an abacus at all, this seems like a good one to use. But you don't know how to use an abacus at all.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Stuns your opponent for a few rounds


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun

tube
tube of herbal ointment

    Since they're constantly getting new tattoos, or getting their old ones retouched, yakuza go through a surprising amount of skin ointment. Shiawase-Mitsuhama probably buys this stuff by the pallet.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 12 Meat.

    Restores 14-16 HP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -{14,15,16} damage to self

pencil
pencil kunai

    The original ninja weapons were developed out of farm and masonry implements, or whatever other tools were readily-available and inconspicuous. So, it's not unlikely that a ninja who works in an office would put special effort into getting his pencils extra-sharp, and could probably put one in your eye from the other side of the cafeteria.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.

    Deals 20-30 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    30 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

device1
great big capacitor

    Good god, be careful with that! It came out of a security robot, and probably powered its tasers or something. If you touch both ends of it, your heart would probably explode right out of your chest.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Deals 25-35 Physical Damage and briefly stuns your foe


    Batfactors data:
    30 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

wosp_scroll
Chinese curse words

    You have no idea what these words mean, but you wrote them down after hearing a guài mutter them at you, and if the things it said that you did understand are any indication, you have here the makings of the world's filthiest vocab exam.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    Stuns your opponent for a few rounds


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 3

This item is not yet implemented.
yeinsult
Ye Olde Medieval Insult

    This is a little rectangle of thick parchment paper containing a cutting insult. Well, an insult that would be cutting if it hadn't been dulled by hundreds of years of irrelevance.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 72 Meat.

    Weakens enemies somewhat and briefly stuns them


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -{15,17.5,20}, def -{15,17.5,20}, stun

ramekin
chipotle wasabi cilantro aioli

    This is a giant ramekin (so... a large-ish bowl) of a strange experimental sauce. The combination of flavors is so strange you can't imagine what you would put it on to eat, so you decide it's probably best used as a projectile.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 80 Meat.

    Deals 30-40 Physical Damage and 8-10 Prismatic Damage


    Batfactors data:
    {30,35,40}, {40,45,50} cold,hot,spooky,sleaze,stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

topgear
brass gear

    This is a shiny brass gear, too thin and flimsy to be used for any actual mechanical purpose. Why does the machine that makes these even exist?

    (Meat Pasting component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 55 Meat.

    Deals 20-30 Physical Damage and causes bleeding


    Batfactors data:
    21 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! ongoing 18 damage

merkinsoap
Mer-kin mouthsoap

    This is a bar of soap designed specifically to taste bad to Mer-kin -- punishers use it to reprimand Mer-kin children when they say something that isn't profane or mean.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 33 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a tremendous amount


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -280, def -280

taffy1
pulled yellow taffy

    This is a wad of pulled yellow taffy. It has the eye-watering sourness of lemon, combined with the easy-going island feel of a pineapple. It's sure to get you dancing, even if you're blinking tears out of your eyes while doing so.

    Type: potion
    Effect: Sour Softshoe
    Duration: 10 Adventures
    (can also be used in combat)
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Vaporizes an enemy and causes all of its items to drop
    (underwater only)
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Sour Softshoe"
    Effect Duration: 10

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: underwater, custom yellow, endscombat

Sour Softshoe

    You've just had a mouth-watering, and eye-watering piece of yellow taffy. The sour flavor got you wincing, and the mellow pineapple aftertaste has got you dancing.



Mafia's modifiers:
Item Drop: [min(T,50)]
Meat Drop: [2*min(T,50)]
taffy2
pulled indigo taffy

    This is a wad of delicious indigo taffy. It tastes a little like lingonberry and a little like snozzberry, and it'll multiply your enjoyment by the power of two.

    Type: potion
    Effect: Closer to Fine
    Duration: 10 Adventures
    (can also be used in combat)
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Lets you escape from combat without spending an Adventure
    (underwater only)
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Closer to Fine"
    Effect Duration: 10

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: underwater, custom banish 20, endscombat

Closer to Fine

    The indigo taffy has briefly given you superhuman healing powers. You still have the same pain tolerance, though, so be careful.



Mafia's modifiers:
HP Regen Min: [min(T,50)]
HP Regen Max: [2*min(T,50)]
taffy3
pulled green taffy

    This is a wad of green taffy. It's sour apple flavored, because green candy is always sour apple flavored.

    Type: potion
    Effect: Soda Jerked
    Duration: 10 Adventures
    (can also be used in combat)
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Makes a copy of a monster to fight later
    (underwater only)
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Soda Jerked"
    Effect Duration: 10

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: underwater, once, custom copy

Soda Jerked

    You've eaten a piece of taffy that was sour apple soda flavored. Whoever pulled that taffy was an expert taffy-puller, because those candy bubbles are still bubbling away in your belly.



Mafia's modifiers:
MP Regen Min: [ceil(min(T,50)/2)]
MP Regen Max: [min(T,50)]
taffy4
pulled blue taffy

    This is a little wad of robin's-egg-blue taffy. Let's hope it's not robin's egg flavored, too.

    Type: potion
    Effect: Blue Swayed
    Duration: 10 Adventures
    (can also be used in combat)
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Summons a helpful fish
    (underwater only)
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Blue Swayed"
    Effect Duration: 10

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: underwater, once, !! guarantees next critical and improves critchance for the rest of the fight

Blue Swayed

    You ate an astonishingly weird piece of candy that gave you the ability to control your familiar's mind (instead of controlling it bodily like you usually do). Your familiar's going to work a little harder and get a little more out of fights until it wears off.



Mafia's modifiers:
Experience (familiar): [ceil(min(T,50)/5)]
Familiar Weight: [ceil(min(T,50)/10)]
taffy5
pulled orange taffy

    This is a little blob of orange candy. It's the same color as one of those "sports drinks" that are really just sugar water with a dash of salt added to 'em.

    Type: potion
    Effect: Orange Crusher
    Duration: 10 Adventures
    (can also be used in combat)
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Summons a helpful fish
    (underwater only)
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Orange Crusher"
    Effect Duration: 10

    Batfactors data:
    {150,200,250} damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: underwater, once, !! damage is ongoing!

Orange Crusher

    You've sent your conscience overseas, eaten some orange taffy, and become a muscle-bound bruiser. Your delts, lats, traps, bikes, and ducks are about to get the workout of their lives.



Mafia's modifiers:
Muscle: [ceil(min(T,50)/2)]
Experience (Muscle): [ceil(min(T,50)/10)]
taffy6
pulled violet taffy

    This is a piece of taffy so violently violet that it almost bleeds past the visual spectrum of light.

    Type: potion
    Effect: Purple Reign
    Duration: 10 Adventures
    (can also be used in combat)
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Summons a helpful fish
    (underwater only)
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Purple Reign"
    Effect Duration: 10

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -300 damage to self
    Specials: underwater, once, mp 150, stun 0.5, !! stun is ongoing; restoration happens at end of combat!

Purple Reign

    You can see things that man (and woman) were not meant to see. Things beyond the mere visual spectrum of light. Things out in the deep purple, where the smoke on the water is also fire in the sky. It's pretty trippy.



Mafia's modifiers:
Mysticality: [ceil(min(T,50)/2)]
Experience (Mysticality): [ceil(min(T,50)/10)]
taffy7
pulled red taffy

    This is a wad of red taffy. It's either cherry, cinnamon, or strawberry flavored. The lazy iconography of the candy industry means you'll have to take your chances.

    Type: potion
    Effect: Cinnamon Challenger
    Duration: 10 Adventures
    (can also be used in combat)
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Summons a helpful fish
    (underwater only)
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Cinnamon Challenger"
    Effect Duration: 10

    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: underwater, once, custom, item mer-kin lunchbox

Cinnamon Challenger

    You ate a piece of taffy that was so cinnamon-y it almost made your heart seize up. You're feeling pretty cool for having survived eating it.



Mafia's modifiers:
Moxie: [ceil(min(T,50)/2)]
Experience (Moxie): [ceil(min(T,50)/10)]
wiretwist
twisted piece of wire

    This is a piece of wire from one of those amateur welding sculptures in the Art Class at KoL High School. The wire's sharp, and the welding is flesh-meltingly dangerous. You'd think they would start the kids with clay or papier-mache or something with less lethal potential.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 7 Meat.

    Stuns your opponent for a couple of rounds


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 2

angryinch
angry inch

    This is a piece of a ruler that was being whirled around by a poltergheist. It doesn't seem too happy about being severed.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Weakens enemies somewhat


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -15, att -13

chloride
chlorine crystal

    This is a little crystal of pure chlorine. It's not big enough to sterilize a swimming pool, but it still has that eye-watering, clean-but-somehow-gross smell to it.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Deals 20-40 Stench Damage


    Batfactors data:
    30 stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

sodium
nugget of sodium

    This is a little nugget of sodium. Sodium is one of the superstars of the chemistry classroom, because dousing it in water sets it on fire! Then the teacher can explain that the reason for the reaction is that sodium is made out of concentrated vampires.

    And when the student says, "Whoah, really?" the teacher can say, "Na."

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 4 Meat.

    Deals 10-20 Hot Damage and 10-20 Stench Damage


    Batfactors data:
    40 hot,stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

jigsaw
jigsaw blade

    This is a thin, serrated blade used in a jigsaw to make arts and crafts. Or, depending on your skill level, to make stitches and hospital visits.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 8 Meat.

    Deals 10-20 Physical Damage, causes a brief stun and less brief bleeding


    Batfactors data:
    15 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! ongoing bleed damage

longscrew
wood screw

    This is a nail with a cross-pattern cut into the head and a spiral etched around the shaft of it, so it forms a more permanent bond between pieces of wood.

    Given that the smut orcs were not involved at all in its production, that's all I have to say about it.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 4 Meat.

    Deals 20-30 Physical Damage and briefly stuns your opponent


    Batfactors data:
    25 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 1

glueglob
blob of wood glue

    This is a sticky droplet of glue specifically formulated to hold wood together. I mean, just about any glue will hold some wood together, but this glue, we're assured by the people who make and market it, is ideal for the task.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 2 Meat.

    Weakens foes by 10% and briefly stuns them


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -11, def -10, stun 0.3, !! stagger unspaded

centeggs
clutch of dodecapede eggs

    This is a little cluster of horrible insect eggs. You know what they say, though -- you can't unleash a horror of HO-Scale Lovecraftian proportions on the world without breaking a few hundred tiny insect eggs.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Weakens enemies somewhat as it poisons them


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -12, def -10

pencilstub
pencil stub

    This is a short little pencil, vibrating with leftover magic from the golem it used to be the... part... of.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 60 Meat.

    Does any number of crazy things


    Batfactors data:
    11|15 hot,cold,spooky,sleaze,stench damage to opponent
    -11 damage to self
    Specials: mp 7, att -7, def -7, !! 1 random result of 5

ww_lice
Great Wolf's lice

    Everything about the Great Wolf of the Air was pretty great, including the magnitude of his parasites.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Selling Price: 21337 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Weakens enemies a lot
    (by 30% if they are beasts)
    (doesn't go away when used)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: once, phylum beast, att -0.3*monsterattack, def -0.3*monsterdefense

zh_pad
HOA citation pad

    This is the seemingly-infinite pad of tickets that the Zombie HOA once used to issue ordinance violations to Dreadsylvania's citizens for every imaginable offense, no matter how insignificant. Now that you have it, though, it'll be used only in cases where adherence to your extremely strict guidelines is a matter of life and death!

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Selling Price: 21337 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Weakens enemies a lot
    (by 30% if they are dudes, hippies or orcs)
    (doesn't go away when used)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: once, att -25, def -25

mg_scissors
Mayor Ghost's scissors

    This was once a pair of ceremonial scissors made for cutting ribbons. Now you're gonna use them to cut your foes to ribbons. Or, at least you would, if they were actually a tangible object.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Selling Price: 21337 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Weakens enemies a lot
    (by 30% if they are undead)
    (doesn't go away when used)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: once, phylum undead, stun, att -0.3*monsterattack, def -0.3*monsterdefense

dr_bell
Drunkula's bell

    Drunkula had a lot of bells, and they all looked very similar. He thought this was the one that summoned his butler, but it was actually the one that summoned his flock of freezing mist bats.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Selling Price: 21337 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Summons bats that deal Cold Damage based on your Mysticality


    Batfactors data:
    0.18*buffedmys cold damage to opponent
    0.2*maxhp cold damage to self
    Specials: once, aoe 10

dv_seedpod
Dreadsylvanian seed pod

    Though it came from a dreary environment, this little seed pod is positively bristling with life. It glows kind of green, and there are little motes of yellow dancing around it in sunbeams that you don't even know where they're coming from.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded

    Fully restores your HP and removes negative status effects


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -(maxhp-myhp) damage to self

clusterbomb
hot clusterbomb

    If you ever need to set a whole bunch of stuff on fire in a very short amount of time, this bomb is definitely an acceptable option.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Hot Damage based on your highest stat
    (more effective against groups)


    Batfactors data:
    50 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: aoe 3

clusterbomb
cold clusterbomb

    Remember how, because you were a real jerk when you were little, you'd put snowballs in the freezer to make them hurt more? This is like that with the volume turned up all the way.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Cold Damage based on your highest stat
    (more effective against groups)


    Batfactors data:
    50 cold damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: aoe 3

clusterbomb
spooky clusterbomb

    There is nothing that cannot be made scarier with the addition of a lit fuse. It's like the fear equivalent of a Ritz.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Spooky Damage based on your highest stat
    (more effective against groups)


    Batfactors data:
    50 spooky damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: aoe 3

clusterbomb
stench clusterbomb

    Imagine the worst-smelling grape-sized object you can imagine. Maybe, like, a rotten grape. Now imagine a whole handful of them, and also it's a bomb.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Stench Damage based on your highest stat
    (more effective against groups)


    Batfactors data:
    50 stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: aoe 3

clusterbomb
sleaze clusterbomb

    You're conflicted about this. On the one hand, you're very much afraid of the things you're gonna see when this thing goes off. On the other hand, at least at that point it will be gone.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals Sleaze Damage based on your highest stat
    (more effective against groups)


    Batfactors data:
    50 sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: aoe 3

surgicaltape
surgical tape

    This roll of tape is ostensibly used to treat sports injuries, but more often than not, it gets used to tape some nerd's butt cheeks together.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a little bit and restores 20-30 Hit Points


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -29 damage to self
    Specials: att -8, def -7

bigfirecracker
illegal firecracker

    All kids love all explosions, but bad kids love big explosions in particular.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 20 Meat.

    Deals 15-20 Physical Damage and 15-20 Hot Damage


    Batfactors data:
    15|20 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

birdhouse
world's most dangerous birdhouse

    This is the kind of birdhouse you would build if you hated birds and also hated everything that was not a bird.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Instantly defeats most monsters


    Batfactors data:
    monsterhp*2 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: endscombat, !! insta-kill even vs. tower monsters

bigeraser
giant eraser

    This is a device for erasing giants, ha ha. It also erases other things that are not giants.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Lets you escape from combat without spending an Adventure


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom runaway, !! free runaway

clayhomunc
sticky clay homunculus

    This is a little dude-shaped glob of wet clay, just waiting to be sculpted into the shape of some horrible monster.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Makes a copy of a monster to fight later


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom copy, endscombat

clusterbomb
yellowcake bomb

    This is something you made in an attempt to build a crude nuclear bomb. You got it almost right, except that normal nuclear bombs don't have fuses.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Vaporizes an enemy and causes all of its items to drop


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom yellow, endscombat

bomb
dirty stinkbomb

    You've heard of dirty bombs, and you've heard of stinkbombs, but only you have the blend of cruelty and ingenuity required to combine the two into a single, horrible bomb.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Banishes a monster for a while


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom banish, endscombat

matchbook
book of matches

    This is a plain old book of cheap paper matches like you find lying around pretty much everywhere in modern civilization. It's like cultural dandruff.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 80 Meat.

    Deals 40-60 Hot Damage


    Batfactors data:
    45 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! unlocks Hidden Tavern out of combat

bball
bowling ball

    This is an ordinary bowling ball, or in the parlance of modern youth, a "Jersey coconut."

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 155 Meat.

    Weakens enemies somewhat and briefly stuns them


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -7, def -11, !! also useful in Hidden City

crudevoodoo
crude voodoo doll

    This is a crude voodoo doll, or as a guy you don't want to hang out with would say, a crudoo doll. Legends say that if you pluck a hair from your opponent and put it in the doll, you can squeeze the doll and make your opponent shrink. And take it from me, the guy who made up those legends: those legends are 100% accurate!

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 99 Meat.

    Makes an enemy smaller than you


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -max(min(10+monsterattack-buffedmox,100),10), def -max(min(10+monsterdefense-buffedmus,100),10)

shortwrit
short writ of habeas corpus

    This is a legal document so short that it only applies to pygmies.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 75 Meat.

    Lets you get away from pygmies without spending an Adventure


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom runaway, phylum dude

adder
adder

    This is a little snake used by pygmy accountants to help them poison people.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 80 Meat.

    Poisons your opponent


    Batfactors data:
    35 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! ongoing 50% poison damage

littlecalculator
short calculator

    This is a calculator that's so short that it only has the bottom two rows of numbers on it.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 115 Meat.

    ???


    Batfactors data:
    monsterhp*0.3 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! chance of not working?

popstick
tongue depressor

    This is a sad story about a tongue who just can't catch a break, ha ha get it? No, it's just a wooden stick for holding down somebody's tongue while you give them bad news about their tonsils.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 105 Meat.

    Briefly stuns a monster and reveals its vital statistics


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun

junkbond
Junk-Bond

    Nine out of ten guys hanging by their hats from the undersides of steel beams agree: when you've got some junk that's not stuck together and you want to turn it into junk that is stuck together, try Junk-Bond.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Weakens enemies somewhat and briefly stuns them


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -9.5, def -9.5, stun

junkjagged
jagged scrap metal

    I can never really tell different kinds of metal apart. All I know about this one is that it involves a lot of screaming.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.

    Deals 20-30 Physical Damage and causes bleeding


    Batfactors data:
    25 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! damage is ongoing

junkmolten
molten scrap metal

    The nice thing about being on fire is that it's a great equalizer. This metal is so hot that it's impossible to tell the difference between it and metal that used to be good.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.

    Deals 20-30 Hot Damage and sets your opponent on fire


    Batfactors data:
    25 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! damage is ongoing

tinsnips
tin snips

    This is a pair of scissors whose blades are made of jagged ripped-up beer cans. If you're ever looking for a single item to represent the concept of a bad idea, this will probably be a frontrunner.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 10 Meat.

    Deals 8-10 Physical Damage and causes bleeding


    Batfactors data:
    9 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! ongoing damage stacks with itself

bodyspray
Way More Tears™ pepper spray

    This is a can of pepper spray specifically formulated to suppress unruly children. You're not sure which is more horrifying -- the idea that this is manufactured, or the idea that somebody would use it.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 35 Meat.

    Deals 12-15 Hot Damage and weakens enemies somewhat
    (can be used 8-10 times before the can is empty)


    Batfactors data:
    13.5 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -9, def -9, !! item consumed on 8th use

killingjar
killing jar

    Typically, a killing jar is just a regular glass jar with ether-soaked cotton at the bottom, which lepidopterists use to kill butterflies without damaging their wings. You don't know what a banshee would do with one, though, and whatever that faintly glowing ball of mist inside it is, it isn't a butterfly.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Weakens enemies somewhat and briefly stuns them


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 1, custom, att -9, def -9

eggcarton
carton of rotten eggs

    Rotten eggs from a rotten egg. How deep does this rabbit hole go?

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 10 Meat.

    Deals 12-15 Stench Damage
    (can be used 8-10 times before the carton is empty)


    Batfactors data:
    13.5 stench damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -9, def -9, !! item consumed on 8th use

roll
dinner roll

    If you stood on this, you'd have a lot of momentum!

    Type: food (awesome)
    Size: 1
    (can also be used in combat)
    Level required: 4
    Selling Price: 1 Meat.

    Deals Physical Damage based on your Muscle when used as a combat item


    Batfactors data:
    90 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

coldmash
cold mashed potatoes

    Mashed potatoes are boring (albeit nutritious) when they're hot, but once they're cold, you might as well just throw them away. Or at somebody.

    Type: food (awesome)
    Size: 1
    (can also be used in combat)
    Level required: 4
    Selling Price: 1 Meat.

    Deals Cold Damage based on your Mysticality when used as a combat item


    Batfactors data:
    90 cold damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

bigturkeyleg
whole turkey leg

    Eating a whole turkey leg always seems like a good idea, but ten minutes later you're kinda tired of it. This one seemed like a good idea a lot more than ten minutes ago.

    Type: food (awesome)
    Size: 1
    (can also be used in combat)
    Level required: 4
    Selling Price: 1 Meat.

    Deals Sleaze Damage based on your Moxie when used as a combat item


    Batfactors data:
    90 sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

pulltab
old-school beer pull tab

    This is a beer tab from back in the day, when men were men, and beer was beer, and you were as likely as not to fatally cut yourself when opening a beer if you were insufficiently manly.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 1 Meat.

    Causes a significant amount of bleeding


    Batfactors data:
    25 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! damage is ongoing

goldenlight
Golden Light

    Golden light, displaying your name.
    Golden light, it's a terrible shame.
    But oh, my darling,
    why did you disintegrate?

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Vaporizes an enemy and causes all of its items to drop


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom yellow, endscombat

louderthanbomb
Louder Than Bomb

    This bomb, designed for civil defense in the unlikely event of a shoplifter uprising, is all sound and no fury. But boy, the sound. Those shoplifters will get gone and stay gone.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Banishes a monster for a while


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom banish 20, endscombat

handsomedevil
Handsome Devil

    This is one nice-looking little demon dude. He'd be a real heartbreaker if you could find a heart small enough for him to break.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Instantly defeats most monsters


    Batfactors data:
    monsterhp*2 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: endscombat, !! insta-kill

icesculpt
unfinished ice sculpture

    This is a block of ice on a table of snow. It's like a blank sheet of paper on a desk made of chocolate, or a virgin canvas on an easel made of raccoon bones -- a potential masterpiece on a piece of weird furniture.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded

    Makes a copy of a monster to fight later


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom copy, endscombat

icehouse
ice house

    This is a good-sized house made of ice. Put an enemy in this, and you'll never see them again.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Banishes a monster more or less permanently


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom banish, endscombat

moonshine
pint of sweat

    This is a pint jar of your own sweat. You are just awful for keeping it.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded

    Deals 25-30 Stench Damage and 25-30 Sleaze Damage
    (and additional Stench and Sleaze damage in subsequent rounds)


    Batfactors data:
    70 stench,sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! ongoing damage

gooball
anise-flavored venom

    This is a glob of sticky venom that smells extremely intensely of anise. Wordplay makes you glad it came out of the front end of the snake.

    (Cocktailcrafting ingredient)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 14 Meat.

    Poisons your opponent

camera
crappy camera

    This is a pretty shoddy camera, but it's better than any other camera produced in Medieval times. When it works, it works well, and when it doesn't work, you're not surprised.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    Makes a copy of a monster to fight later
    (when it works)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom copy, endscombat, !! 50% chance of failure

smallgolem
small golem

    Golem golem golem, you made him out of clay. And when he sees a bad guy, he'll punch that guy all day.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 23 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Deals Physical Damage each round for the rest of the fight


    Batfactors data:
    min(5000,monsterhp*0.1) damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom, once, !! ongoing 10% of max monster HP damage

throwknife
throwing knife

    This is a little balanced knife honed to a murderous sharpness. It could cut all the way through a tin can and the guy that was getting ready to eat whatever was in that can.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 20 Meat.

    Causes bleeding

throwspoon
throwing spoon

    Because it would hurt more.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 20 Meat.

    Deals 50-60 Physical Damage and weakens enemies somewhat


    Batfactors data:
    55 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -14, def -14

throwfork
throwing fork

    If you think about it, a fork is like a tiny trident. Or maybe a trident is like a big fork? Either way, there's no reason not to throw it at a dude.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 20 Meat.

    Deals 20-30 Physical Damage with each of its three tines

shurikensalad
shuriken salad

    I'll bet when you're eating a salad, you're thinking "I am pretty much definitely not about to get attacked with a whole buttload of shurikens."

    Well, SURPRISE!

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 37 Meat.

    Deals 25-35 Physical Damage, 25-35 Cold Damage and 25-35 Stench Damage


    Batfactors data:
    90 cold,stench,none damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

blowknife
blowdart

    This is a little knife with a feather on the blunt end and a thin layer of deadly poison on the sharp end.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.

    Poisons your opponent


    Batfactors data:
    25 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! ongoing poison damage

firebottle
fire of unknown origin

    This jar contains a weird, dancing green flame. You have no idea where it came from.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 27 Meat.

    Deals 35-45 Hot Damage and 35-45 Spooky Damage


    Batfactors data:
    80 hot,spooky damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

bic
cigarette lighter

    This is a disposable cigarette lighter, which will come in handy if the times comes when you want to flick something. Or, y'know, set something on fire.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 40 Meat.

    Deals 50-60 Hot Damage


    Batfactors data:
    50 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! instakills zeppelin protesters

bigredbutton
big red button

    This is a big red button, just like the one you wouldn't trust most presidents to have their fingers on.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 55 Meat.

    Deals 2000-3000 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    2000 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

redbutton
red button

    This is a little red button, like you might find on a garish trench coat. Or on the floor after you commit a justifiable act of violence against a garish trench coat. Or against a guy wearing a garish trench coat.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Deals Physical Damage based on how many of them you have

glarkcable
glark cable

    This is an electrical cable with a proprietary fitting on one end labeled "GLARK BATTERY ONLY."

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 20 Meat.

    Instantly defeats most monsters on the Red Zeppelin


    Batfactors data:
    monsterhp*6 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: endscombat, custom, monster man with the red buttons|red butler|Red Herring|red skeleton|Red Snapper|Red Fox

grenade
smoke grenade

    This is a grenade used by riot police to falsify probable cause against people they want to arrest for arson.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Banishes a monster for a while


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom banish 20, endscombat

molotov
firebomb

    Whether you're being oppressed by a tyrranical government or just excited about a local sports team victory, there's only one thing to do: Burn everything.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.

    Deals 40-50 Hot Damage


    Batfactors data:
    {40,45,50} hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

camera
disposable instant camera

    This is a camera that is cheap and crappy in all of the ways in which it is possible for a camera to be cheap and crappy. It's less point-and-shoot and more point-and-pray.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 28 Meat.

    Weakens enemies somewhat
    (more effective against undead)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

dolleye
droopy doll eye

    This droopy-lidded doll eye reminds you that the eyes are the windows to soul, and also that you have zero interest in what the soul of a creepy porcelain doll contains.

    (Jewelrymaking component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 45 Meat.

    Deals 60-80 Spooky Damage


    Batfactors data:
    75 spooky damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

spookyblock
spooky alphabet block

    This is a child's wooden block with letters on the sides. Unusually, it cycles through way more than six letters as you look at all of the sides. You don't even recognize all of them.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 85 Meat.

    Mysterious and spooky


    Batfactors data:
    10 spooky damage to opponent
    2 damage to self
    Specials: stun 0.5, att -2, def -2, !! damage and healing unspaded

musicbox
spooky music box mechanism

    This little wind-up mechanism is the most important part of a music box, and also the most haunted.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 150 Meat.

    Deals 100-120 Spooky Damage
    (unless you're in Spookyraven Manor, in which case it banishes a monster for a while)

pictureframe
ornate picture frame

    This is a gilt picture frame from an earlier, more sophisticated age. You feel guilt at having taken it.

    (Meat Pasting component)
    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded

    Weakens enemies somewhat and briefly stuns them


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 1, att -12.5, def -12.5

gi_chunk
chunk of hot iron

    This iron is hot -- you should strike while it!

    (Meatsmithing component)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 55 Meat.

    Deals 40-80 Hot Damage


    Batfactors data:
    60 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

plaidbandage
plaid bandage

    There's enough red in the tartan of this bandage that even if a little blood soaks through it, it still looks pretty stylish.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 120 Meat.

    Restores 120-150 HP


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    -125 damage to self

softener
fabric softener

    This is a bottle of a laundry product designed to combat the imaginary problem of "hard fabric."

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 110 Meat.

    Weakens enemies a lot


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -27.5, def -27.5

blacknotebook
crazy hobo notebook

    You got this notebook off of a wino who'd been trapped in Lord Spookyraven's cellar for Grod knows how long. It appears to be a rough dictionary of sorts, for hobo glyphs. You know the sort of thing -- the little marks that hobos draw on walls to identify places where you can get a free handout, or to warn about muggers, or so forth.

    Except the ones in this notebook appear to be things like "The Formless One approaches", or "beware of nightgaunts", or "in praise of the soul eater". Also they kind of writhe when you look at them, and it makes you a little uncomfortable.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 180 Meat.

    Deals Spooky Damage every round to every monster you fight today in the zone where you used it


    Batfactors data:
    7 spooky damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: once, !! damage is ongoing every round for every fight in this zone until rollover

syringe3
DNA extraction syringe

    This syringe has a flexible, variable-width needle that automatically adjusts to the perfect extraction profile for its target, allowing you to extract DNA from anything. Literally anything -- even things that don't actually have DNA!

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Extracts DNA samples for analysis in your lab
    (doesn't go away when used)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 1, once, custom

grenade
opium grenade

    By packing a smoke grenade canister with the pollen and juice of narcotic poppies, you've created a weapon that is both powerful, and essentially harmless. Well, as long as you don't consider "potential addiction to hand grenades" harmful.

    Where did you even get a smoke grenade canister? I guess I should know better than to ask.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 32 Meat.

    Stuns your opponent for a few rounds
    (extra effective against hippies)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 2.5

wand
wand of pigification

    This is an ordinary-looking witch's wand, which can turn living things into pigs.

    If that makes sense to you, then it's plain that the word 'ordinary' doesn't mean very much anymore.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 40 Meat.
    Cannot be traded

    Turns your foe into a pig


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom runaway, !! turns monster into a pig

spaceinvader
space invader

    This is a little device made of miscellaneous pieces of space junk whose function is to occupy the space your enemy used to occupy. Nobody is sure where the enemy goes, but thankfully, nobody really cares.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 95 Meat.

    Deals 300-400 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    6*monsterhp none,hot,cold damage to opponent
    damage to self
    Specials: custom, endscombat

hotashes
hot ashes

    Like a drunk dude describing a group of women as they leave a bar, this is only going to end up hurting you if you get try to get close to it.

    (Cooking ingredient)
    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 10 Meat.

    Deals Hot Damage based on your highest stat

turtlerock
turtle-shaped rock

    This rock, as distinct from a rock shaped like Aesop, or a rock shaped like a fraggle, or a rock shaped like a cyclops, is shaped like a turtle.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 7 Meat.

    Deals 45-50 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    46 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

ingotturt
ingot turtle

    This is a turtle who has taken up residence in an ingot of red-hot metal. If you gave him baby ears of corn, he could make tiny ears of hothouse corn.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    Deals 90-110 Hot Damage and changes your opponent's element to Hot


    Batfactors data:
    90 hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! changes monster alignment to hot

gooball
dumb mud

    This mud is terrible.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 1000 Meat.

    Deals 500 Physical Damage and weakens your enemy a lot


    Batfactors data:
    500 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -50, def -50, custom

candypile
throwing candy

    You know those rumors about people hiding razor blades in kids' candy? Well, they were all false.

    Until now.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.

    Deals 25-50 Physical Damage and weakens enemies somewhat


    Batfactors data:
    36 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -15, def -14.5

holotank
holo-tank

    This is a tiny adorable tank, with a tiny adorable cannon capable of unleashing tiny adorable Hell.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 5,000 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    2000 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

holobomber
holo-bomber

    This is a little holographic bomber plane, no bigger than a dragonfly. A dragonfly festooned with bombs.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 5,000 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    2000 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

holoplatoon
holo-platoon

    You're not allowed to chew tobacco in this army, so this holo-platoon doesn't need a holo-spittoon.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be discarded

    Deals 5,000 Physical Damage


    Batfactors data:
    2000 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

cloaca
ice-cold Cloaca Zero

    This is a can of a prototype variant of Cloaca-Cola whose labeling claims to deliver "Zero Energy." That... doesn't actually sound like something you'd want. No wonder it never made it to market.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 99 Meat.

    Deals 100-200 Cold Damage and restores up to 2,000 MP

blankoutglob
handful of napalm

    You, uh... you sure you don't have anything to put that in? Like one of the millions of rusty bent tin cans lying around?

    No? Just gonna carry that glob of jellied petroleum around in your bare hand, eh? Okay, well, don't let me stop you! Have fun!

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 33 Meat.

    Deals 100 Hot Damage and sets your opponent on fire


    Batfactors data:
    125 hot damage to opponent
    50 hot damage to self
    Specials: !! ongoing fire damage (unspaded) to both you and the monster

nailclippers
military-grade fingernail clippers

    This is like a regular pair of fingernail clippers, but it's made out of extremely expensive metal that is actually identical to the metal regular fingernail clippers are made of.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Clips fingernails


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom

ammo
special clip: tracers

    This is a clip of mercenary specialty ammunition. This ammunition's specialty is that it is always on fire.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Deals Hot Damage based on your Moxie


    Batfactors data:
    3*buffedmox hot damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

ammo
special clip: wailers

    This is a clip of mercenary specialty ammunition. This ammunition's specialty is that it is makes spooky ghost noises as it flies through the air toward your enemies. And then it makes spooky ghosts out of your enemies.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Deals Spooky Damage based on your Moxie


    Batfactors data:
    3*buffedmox spooky damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

ammo
special clip: squelchers

    This is a clip of mercenary specialty ammunition. This ammunition's specialty is that it is covered with nasty grease.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Deals Sleaze Damage based on your Moxie


    Batfactors data:
    3*buffedmox sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

ammo
special clip: splatterers

    This is a clip of mercenary specialty ammunition. This ammunition's specialty is that it explodes on impact into a shower of horrifying entrails.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Deals Sleaze Damage and Spooky Damage based on your Moxie


    Batfactors data:
    6*buffedmox spooky,sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

ammo
special clip: boneburners

    This is a clip of mercenary specialty ammunition. This ammunition's specialty is that it can be used in a pinch to cremate a fallen comrade.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Deals Spooky Damage and Hot Damage based on your Moxie


    Batfactors data:
    6*buffedmox hot,spooky damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

ammo
special clip: graveburpers

    This is a clip of mercenary specialty ammunition. This ammunition's specialty is that it causes grievous wounds that immediately become gangrenous and foul-smelling.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 50 Meat.

    Deals Stench Damage and Spooky Damage based on your Moxie


    Batfactors data:
    6*buffedmox stench,spooky damage to opponent
    0 damage to self

nastygeist
nastygeist

    This is the disgusting spirit that was until recently inhabiting a nasty-ass animated spittoon.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 12 Meat.

    Deals Sleaze Damage each round for the rest of the fight


    Batfactors data:
    17 sleaze damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: !! damage is ongoing

portabletable
portable table

    This handy pocket-sized table unfolds into a full-sized (though somewhat antiquated) saloon table.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    You can hide behind it


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 4.5

lasso
spooky lasso

    This is what it would look like if a rope died and then you made a lasso out of its ghost.

    They never did figure out if ropes could die or not in the old west, because the only method of execution they had discovered was hanging.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 77 Meat.

    Deals Spooky Damage based on your Moxie and briefly stuns your opponent


    Batfactors data:
    53 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 1

snakerattle
rattler rattle

    This is the rattle from a baby rattlesnake. Baby rattlesnakes are way more dangerous than adult rattlesnakes, because all babies are more dangerous than their adult counterparts. That's just how nature works.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 48 Meat.

    Weakens enemies by 25%
    (75% for beasts)


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: att -0.25*monsterattack, def -0.25*monsterdefense

beehive
beehive

    This is a hive filled with angry (but currently sleeping) bees. It must be popular -- it's generating a whole lot of buzz!

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Full of bees!


    Batfactors data:
    27 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: stun 1, once

elecbone
electric boning knife

    This is a boning knife with an electric motor that makes it... better at boning, I guess? Bone faster? Anyway, it's too big to wield as a weapon, but if you use both hands, you can probably flip the switch on it.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Deals Physical Damage each round for the rest of the fight


    Batfactors data:
    9 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: once, !! damage is ongoing

bandage1
linen bandages

    If there's one thing a mummy is going to need a lot of, it's fresh bandages. After all, bandages and beef jerky are basically all that keep you from collapsing into a loose pile of bones.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.
    Cannot be traded
    Quest Item

    Restores 10-20 HP

bandage2
cotton bandages

    Ahhh, there's nothing like a roll of fresh cotton bandages, right out of the dryer. They're like a nice warm hug for your withered and dessicated husk.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 10 Meat.
    Cannot be traded
    Quest Item

    Restores 20-40 HP

bandage3
silk bandages

    These super-high thread count bandages are fit for a king. I mean, they'd better be, considering.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.
    Cannot be traded
    Quest Item

    Restores 40-80 HP

springwater
holy spring water

    You can tell it's holy because it's hundreds if not thousands of years old, and still hasn't gone flat.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 5 Meat.
    Cannot be traded
    Quest Item

    Restores 20-25 MP
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Spiritually Awake"
    Effect Duration: 10

beerbottle
spirit beer

    You don't have to worry about getting drunk from drinking these, because all the alcohol has long-since evaporated. Along with all the rest of it.

    It's basically a bottle filled with the ghost of beer.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 10 Meat.
    Cannot be traded
    Quest Item

    Restores 40-50 MP
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Spiritually Aware"
    Effect Duration: 10

wine
sacramental wine

    This bottle of wine has been infused with, you know, religious herbs and other holy stuff. You're no expert on what they have to do with wine so that a ghost or mummy can drink it without it just spilling on the floor.

    Unfortunately, the additions also do something to the alcohol content, so it doesn't actually get you drunk. I guess you can't take everything with you.

    Type: usable (also usable in combat)
    Selling Price: 15 Meat.
    Cannot be traded
    Quest Item

    Restores 80-100 MP
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Effect: "Spiritually Awash"
    Effect Duration: 10

briefcase
alpine watercolor set

    This little briefcase-sized kit contains an easel, a paintbrush, and a little palette of watercolor paints. Everything you need to be an famous artist!

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded

    Make a painting of a monster to hang on your wall


    Batfactors data:
    0 damage to opponent
    0 damage to self
    Specials: custom, stun 1

janitorsponge
janitor sponge

    This is a filthy janitorial sponge. Perhaps someone else will be even more grossed out by it than you are.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 30 Meat.

    Deals 20-30 Stench Damage and briefly stuns your opponent

tal_r
talisman of Renenutet

    Renenutet is the goddess of wealth, cobras, and "plenty". It doesn't take very many cobras before you have plenty of cobras.

    Hopefully this talisman will promote a form of wealth that doesn't have fangs and venom.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Massive boost to Item Drops from Monsters (for one fight)

shuriken
time shuriken

    This shuriken is caught in a time loop. The upshot is that after you throw it, it's still before you threw it.

    Type: combat item (reusable)
    Cannot be discarded

    (does not go away when used)

baggie
bag of gross foreign snacks

    This is a small plastic bag full of snacks that are disgusting for two reasons. The first is that they are all half-chewed-up and covered in child slobber, and the second is that they are from a country you're not from, and therefore inherently gross.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    Deals Stench Damage every round to every monster you fight today in the zone where you used it

jug
grody jug

    This jug used to have moonshine in it, but now all it contains is forty years' worth of accumulated drool from a garbage-covered hillbilly rat robot.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 25 Meat.

    Deals a Buttload of Stench Damage

basket
complimentary Dinsey refreshments

    This basket is filled with individually-wrapped snacks of such low quality that the Dinsey corporation has judged them to have negative value as assets.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    Quest Item

    Ya eat 'em. Well, tourists do.

mayohammer
tomayohawk-style reflex hammer

    This is like a rubber reflex-testing hammer, but instead of rubber the head of it is made of compressed dried mayonnaise.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    This item will disappear at the end of the day.

    Stops enemy from attacking and deals Sleaze Damage based on your blood-mayonnaise concentration.
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Lasts Until Rollover

mayolance
mayo lance

    Though 9 out of 10 doctors agree that a healthy concentration of mayonnaise in your bloodstream is just what 9 out of the 10 doctors ordered, they also all agree that subcutaneous mayo deposits can be unsightly. The tenth doctor is too disgusted by all of this stuff to even have an opinion.

    Type: combat item
    Cannot be traded or discarded
    This item will disappear at the end of the day.

    Unleash a torrent of inner mayonnaise. The torrent will be yellow and ray-like.
    Mafia's modifiers:
    Lasts Until Rollover

circle
Golden Kokomo Resort Chip

    A casino-style chip with gold edging, emblazoned with the logo of Kokomo Resorts and the number 100 (also in white on a white background).

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 1000 Meat.

    Shiny!

notebook
Kokomo Resort Order Pad

    This is a pretty ordinary pad of paper, except it has "Kokomo Resort and Restaurant" stamped on the top. And it's green with a white upper margin, and each page is stamped with a different serial number, and is pre-printed with little blanks for TOTAL and TAX and TIP... but except for all that stuff, it's a pretty ordinary pad of paper.

    Type: combat item
    Selling Price: 100 Meat.

    Boring!