It’s sensible to want the anonymous opinion of others. We need both an inside and outside perspective on something before we get a real sense of it. The tragedy of self-awareness as a virtue is that it forces us to attack ourselves, while those without it march through with egos the size of stadiums, uncaring for introspection. I have some thoughts I’m just going to word vomit down, several of them are probably incorrect or exaggerated. Apologies in advance.
Something curious I’ve found with the Doddy family is how much seems to go unsaid. Maybe it’s just paranoia, but it seems like there’s some sort of elephant that’s being tiptoed around in conversation. I think, subconsciously, people pick up on it and it makes them feel like they’re just an extra in some overarching narrative. Whether you intend to or not, you come across as quiet and confident, two things that insecure people will project onto.
People are stupid. They like being approached, they like people who make them feel special and will take an excuse you give them to assume they’re being hated by the pretty girl in the corner with the is-she-judging-me expression. It’s so much easier to take the path of least resistance instead of sitting down with someone and trying to find a proper connection. I find that extraverts tend to make dozens of superficial connections which are forgotten while the quiet ones attract people worthwhile. I believe that you stray more into the second category than the first, but that isn’t necessarily a good or bad thing. There are pros and cons to both, it’s really up to you on what to do about it.
As for your sister, the dynamic between you two needs to equalize. Both of you have so much to give to the world but it feels like it’s restrained by whatever the past decided to lump on you. It weighs on her and it weighs on you and from the outside it seems so arbitrary, it’s like neither of you can be the best you can be until it’s resolved. There shouldn’t have to be a better or a worse because I don’t believe people can be better or worse than each other. The only person we should compare ourselves to is whoever we were yesterday and the ways we can self improve.
Change is incremental, and it requires us to place ourselves in an environment that allows it. It requires not only the decision to change but the decision to continue every day. It’s hard and there will be bad days where everything seems ridiculous and hopeless, but there will also be good days. And as time goes on it’s the good that we remember.
As for the elephant, I personally believe that openness leads to understanding, which is a good foundation to build upon.
Also, I believe it is important to become more than our trauma. People are more than one thing, and those that are aren’t very interesting. If you weren’t very interesting why would I spend an hour typing all this up twice?
I need to sleep, so I’ll wrap it up by saying all the stuff you already know.
You’re a great person, wish we hung out more, you’re great at drawing, Bush did 9/11.