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FluffandCrunch

Clarity

Feb 7th, 2014
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  1. I hurry down the hall as fast as I dare. The walls under my fingertips are smooth, oak panels gliding beneath my touch, wood molding beneath as I move past closed doors.
  2. One door, two doors, three doors on the left side, now the big door.
  3. Father's door.
  4.  
  5. It's bigger and heavier than the others and I fidget nervously in front of it, smoothing out my dress carefully, trying to find any wrinkles that I can. The rule is no one is to disturb father while he is in his office, but I'm so excited about my new dress, I have to show him right away! I'm sure he'll be all right with it.
  6.  
  7. I touch the doorknob, feeling all the tiny little details on it, the bumps and grooves on the handle, the delicate leaf-work around the edges. The knob is a large, heavy thing in my hands, thick with the smell of aged brass and that icky feeling that old metal gets. Everything in the house is old, most of them antiques, expensive and big. I can only play outside or in the nursery and mother would be cross if she caught me running in the halls.
  8.  
  9. I turn the knob gently and I can hear father inside talking, his voice slightly strained.
  10.  
  11. “Yes, I agree it is a big step up. I'm not saying I don't appreciate the offer, but you have to understand that this is a huge commitment, to both me and my family.“
  12.  
  13. Father's voice is deep and smooth, but I can hear he's a little upset about something. There are no guests visiting today; father and mother always introduce me and Akira whenever someone comes to the house, so father must be talking to someone on the phone. I wait for a long pause to see if he notices me, but he must be preoccupied with the call, so I take a hesitant step forward.
  14.  
  15. I am inside father's office.
  16.  
  17. I begin creeping forward, feeling out with my hands to avoid any furniture in the way. I am not used to father's office, so I have to be careful I don't trip or bump into anything. I smell father's cigar in the air and I follow it towards the source.
  18.  
  19. Five steps on the wooden floor, carpet under my feet.
  20. I can smell the scent of the leather chairs that I know are in front of father's desk below the heavy smokey odor, so I know I am close. Father's voice is also nearer than it was before.
  21.  
  22. “I fully understand this is a one time offer, I'm not making light of the situation. This promotion is something I've been working towards for a long time. Are you certain the work would require relocation?“
  23.  
  24. Five steps on the carpet, reaching out, I find father's desk, huge with a smooth glass top.
  25.  
  26. “I understand. I'll need some time to think about this and speak with my wife over the matter. Thank you, sir.“
  27.  
  28. A light click, the phone being put down. A heavy, labored sigh.
  29.  
  30. “Father?” I whisper.
  31.  
  32. A shuffle, sudden and surprised and father's voice has a curt and stressed edge to it. “Lillian? What have I told you about my office? You know you're not allowed in here, especially when I'm working!“
  33.  
  34. I cringe and try to shrink into a tiny ball. “I... I wanted to show you my new dress," I say, gripping the skirt in my fingertips. "It's for my first communion!”
  35.  
  36. I feel his disapproval thick in the air. “That's no excuse to break a rule in this household.”
  37. I turn my face down, my fingers now laced in front of me. “I'm sorry, father. I was just so excited, I wanted you to see....”
  38.  
  39. He sighs again, disappointed. I'd rather have him disappointed than angry with me. Father is loud when he's angry and loud things scare me.
  40.  
  41. The carpet makes noise as he steps around his big desk towards me. I try not to shiver when I feel him get close. I love father very much, but when he gets mad, he frightens me terribly.
  42. Father makes another sound, a contended sigh this time and I can hear a little chuckle in his voice to reassure me. “I can forgive you this time," he pauses, "since you do look so beautiful.”
  43.  
  44. I gasp a little laugh and I hesitantly face up towards him. “I do?”
  45. “Oh, yes, certainly! Hug?”
  46.  
  47. I reach out and find father's leg and wrap tight around him. It's like hugging a tree trunk, I can barely get my arms around him!
  48.  
  49. I feel his hands, large and strong, gently touch my shoulders, letting me know what he's doing. Then he puts his hands around my waist and lifts me up as if I weighed no more than a pillow! I giggle as he holds me up in the air and I feel like I'm flying! Father must be the tallest man in the world!
  50.  
  51. “Do I really look pretty?” I ask him when he brings me down and holds me to his shoulder.
  52. “Oh, yes, Lillian, you do and it's your favorite color as well!“
  53. I smile. Mother already told me the dress was white, but I like that father knows what my favorite color is. White is the color of winter and ice cream and Niji's fur. I like all those things, so I must like white the most.
  54.  
  55. “Did Akira really wear this dress for her communion?“
  56. “Yes, but she hated it! She couldn't wait for the ceremony to be over.“ Father sighs sadly. ”Akira was not as patient a child as you are, Lillian.“
  57.  
  58. “I like church! I like hearing all the people sing and spending time with you and mother!“
  59. Father is always away on business, so I like anytime he is around. Church is one of the few places I get to be together with the whole family.
  60.  
  61. Father laughs pleasantly. “Well, I'm glad you think so! Church is very important to your mother and I, she'll be glad to hear you say that.” I feel him move, walking around in a big circle. He playfully bounces me in his arms as we talk. “Are you ready for the ceremony?”
  62.  
  63. “I am! But....” I hesitate.
  64. “What is it, Lillian? There's nothing to be scared about. I know there will be a lot of people there, but they're all family and our friends.”
  65. “Well... it's not real blood, is it?”
  66.  
  67. Father gasps and then laughs very loudly. When he laughs, the whole house shakes! It's one of the only loud things I like. “Of course not! Oh, child, that's just a name! Don't be worried about that, it's only a little wine, that's all!“
  68.  
  69. I gasp. “But I'm too young to drink that!”
  70.  
  71. “It's only a very small amount and you have permission from mother and I. We'll be right there as well. It might be unpleasant at first, but don't worry about that, you'll get used to it. It is a very special occasion, so I think we can make an exception this time.“
  72.  
  73. Father hugs me tightly and I rub my face into his shoulder, feeling the softness of his suit against my cheek. He smells like ink and vanilla smoke.
  74. “I love you, Lillian.”
  75. “I love you, Daddy!”
  76.  
  77. He chuckles and it's like the sound of a cat purring. “You know what? I have a present for you! I was going to save it for after, but I want you to have it right now.“
  78.  
  79. Father sets me down in his big leather chair. “Now don't move, I'll be right back.”
  80. “Okay!”
  81.  
  82. Father leaves and I fidget excitedly. A present? I love presents! It's not even Christmas or my birthday!
  83.  
  84. Far off to my left, I hear a click that must be a lock. Father opens a drawer and I hear things being moved around. Now another click, that's the lock being put back. Whatever it is, it must be important! Now the wood floor creaks as he walks back towards me and his footsteps become muffled when he reaches the carpet.
  85.  
  86. Now he's in front of me and I hear him shuffle, kneeling to face me on my level. I hear something metal like a tiny chain being rattled.
  87.  
  88. “Hold out your hand,“ he tells me.
  89. I do and I feel something cold and heavy laid in my palm. I touch it and feel it, letting my fingers find the edges of the object father gave me. It's attached to a long chain, I was right! I bet it's a necklace! It has several corners to it and I trace my fingers all along it, making a line in my mind until the object is complete and whole. “It's a cross!” I declare.
  90.  
  91. Father laughs. “Yes, it is! Pure silver. This is a very important cross, you know? It belonged to your grandmother and your mother and I want you to have it now.“
  92.  
  93. I gasp. It belonged to grandma?
  94. “Oh, Daddy, thank you!“ I hold it tightly to my chest, but then I think about something that makes me sad. “Thank you, but, ...shouldn't Akira have this?”
  95.  
  96. Father doesn't say anything at first and when he does, he sounds upset. “I don't think Akira would appreciate it very much, Lillian. She doesn't really care for these sort of things. But I know you do and your mother and I want you to have it. I want you to keep it with you all the time, all right? It's very important! I want you to wear it and it will remind you just how special you are to your mother and I.“
  97.  
  98. “I will! I promise! I'll never take it off, ever!”
  99.  
  100. Father wraps his arms around me and helps me put the cross on, clipping the tiny clasp behind my neck. “It looks beautiful,” he tells me.
  101.  
  102. I laugh and lift my face, wanting a kiss.
  103. He does so, on the cheek, then on my forehead and makes silly eating sounds as he picks me up and kisses me all over. I giggle and throw my arms around him as far as I can.
  104. “I love you, Daddy!”
  105. He chuckles and holds me high. “I love you, Lillian.”
  106.  
  107. Someone puts their hand on my shoulder and it startles me terribly. “Lilly, come on. We're going be late.”
  108.  
  109. I begin to panic.
  110.  
  111. This is not how I wanted father to meet Hisao!
  112.  
  113. Sounds change and I can no longer smell father's cigars or feel his arms around me. I gasp as if I was plunged through a bath of water, the warm embrace of my father replaced by sheets and the softness of a bed under me. I plummet and fall through the sounds and feelings of my memories being replaced by other new sensations. I grumble unpleasantly. Light heats my face and I turn away from it.
  114.  
  115. I detest mornings.
  116.  
  117. “Just...just a little longer, please,” I say, rolling over.
  118.  
  119. I feel the hand on my back gently rubbing me to wakefulness. Hisao chuckles and it sounds like the echo of a purr to me. “That's what you said an hour ago. Come on, Lilly, we'll be late for class. You don't want to miss out on a shower, right?“
  120.  
  121. I groan in discomfort. I force myself to sit up and I blink a lot, clearing the sleep from my eyes.
  122.  
  123. I see nothing.
  124.  
  125. Dreams are the worst part of waking up for me. One minute I'm with father, the next I'm years later and thousands of miles away. It's like thinking I'm in a building and then realizing I'm actually in a car when everything around me begins to move and lurch about. It always takes me a while to get my bearings after I dream, how vivid they sometimes can be and how confusing they are afterwards. I take a moment to center myself, reminding me where I actually am.
  126.  
  127. I am in Hisao's room.
  128.  
  129. In his bed, I note with a bit of indulgent pride.
  130.  
  131. My muscles ache and everything is too loud, though I know Hisao spoke only in gentle whispers to me. “I'm up, I'm up,” I assure him.
  132.  
  133. He touches my cheek and kisses me and it perks me up more than a cup of tea ever could. His fingers drag slowly through my long hair and I feel goosebumps form all over my skin. “You really are a mess in the morning, you know that?“ he teases.
  134.  
  135. I put on my best pout, shrugging my shoulders and try to look as pitiful as I can manage. “That's a terrible thing to say to me first thing in the morning, Hisao.”
  136.  
  137. He laughs again, his fingers playing with my ear. “Well, what do you expect? I woke you up almost an hour ago and you begged me to let you sleep in. I'm all ready for school and took a shower and I still find you in bed? How unfair is that to me?“
  138.  
  139. He pats me on the thigh and I feel his weight shift, standing up from his bed. “I have a little breakfast for us just about done. If you hurry we can quickly eat and get to class before we're both tardy again.“
  140.  
  141. I nod and Hisao walks away. Our mornings together have become a habit but along with them is our perpetual tardiness. It wouldn't do well to continue a poor trend. I hear the sound of plates moving and something being poured into a glass. It all smells wonderful.
  142.  
  143. I debate my options; breakfast sounds good, but Hisao's bed is so warm. It wouldn't be that terrible if I was late for class just one more time. Breakfast in bed has always had a certain allure for me.
  144.  
  145. Oh, but he would never let me do that, mores the pity. Hisao takes his schooling very seriously and I should follow his example. With more exams looming ahead of us and summer soon approaching, both of us need to keep on our toes. With how late it seems, we do not have much time.
  146.  
  147. We don't have much time at all, I think with a sickly feeling in my heart.
  148.  
  149. I push it away, ignoring it and thinking about the day ahead instead, a more agreeable topic to be sure.
  150.  
  151. I suppose the comfort of a shower is the best option for right now. It would do wonders to make me feel better, I imagine.
  152.  
  153. I shuffle out of bed, my feet touching the carpeted floor. I stand, my legs against the bed's edge and I breathe a few times to steady myself and prepare for the day. Three big steps forward, I reach out and find a wall. I trail my fingers down until they touch a dresser, but my bag isn't where I had specifically left it the night before. “Hisao, did you move my overnight bag?”
  154.  
  155. A clatter of silverware. “Oh, Lilly, I'm sorry. I had to move it when I got dressed. It's right next to the dresser on the floor, to the left.“
  156.  
  157. I trail my fingers along the wood dresser until I find the edge. I move downwards and kneel, careful not to bump my chin against the dresser top. I find some clothes and pick them up.
  158. I drop them quickly, sweaty, the smell pungent.
  159.  
  160. “Oh, Hisao, you just left your dirty clothes here on the floor.“
  161. Another clatter.
  162. “Oh, jeez! I'm sorry, let me just, give me a second here...!”
  163.  
  164. I grimace at his flustered muttering. Hisao is such a messy young man, that's something that will have to change.
  165.  
  166. “Here, Lilly, I'm sorry.”
  167.  
  168. He presses the familiar texture of my bag into my arms and I take it from him, wrapping my arms around it. “You know, if I'm going to keep spending the night here, you need to learn to clean up after yourself,“ I say.
  169.  
  170. “I know, I know, I'm sorry! Just, you know, I'm used to dropping things wherever....“
  171.  
  172. I smirk and reach up, placing my hand on his cheek, gently rubbing his jaw line. “Well, maybe I should be pleased. Most young men would be more careful about keeping their rooms in order when their girlfriend is visiting. Perhaps you're just very comfortable with me being here? Or are you taking advantage of me?“
  173.  
  174. He makes several adorable stuttering sounds, flustered and bothered terribly by my words. “No, no, that's not it, I'm just messy, that's all, I promise!“
  175. He tries to continue, but I trace towards his chin and put a finger to his lips, silencing him. I draw close and remove my finger just before pressing our lips together. He hesitates for only a moment, then relents, our lips tightly compressed. I can taste his mouthwash, minty and pleasant, covering up the normal taste of his lips that I have become accustomed to.
  176.  
  177. I'm not sure what it is, but Hisao is such a good kisser! I was worried at first that he had a lot of practice before he met me, but I think it's more just a natural talent for the act at this point, a talent I'm naturally very pleased with.
  178.  
  179. I feel his lips smile under mine and we pull apart from one another. I still have a hand on his face and I playfully tap his nose. “I'll be right out.”
  180.  
  181. I turn and reach out, hand on the wall. Hisao's room is very different from the girl's dorms, so I've had to learn and memorize where everything is. He doesn't make it any easier for me with his messy habits, though.
  182.  
  183. Trailing my fingers along the wall, I find the door and hesitate. Focusing very carefully, I listen for anything out in the hallway. It is fairly late in the morning, so most students would be at class already. I know Hisao only has one hall mate, so the chances of bumping into anyone are minimal.
  184.  
  185. Still, I want to be careful; the idea of being caught in the boy's dorm rooms this early in the morning sends a particular chill down my spine. The thought of what people would think if they learned I had spent the night here would shame me enough to die!
  186.  
  187. Nothing in the hallway beyond, I quickly and efficiently step out through Hisao's door, turn, and take a few steps with my fingers against the wall to guide me.
  188.  
  189. One door, two doors, bathroom door.
  190.  
  191. I step inside and shut the door behind me. A few breaths, no sounds from outside and I'm satisfied my path went unnoticed by anyone.
  192.  
  193. I am in Hisao's bathroom.
  194.  
  195. I make a quick inventory in my bag, taking note of the things I'll need; shampoo, soap, a washcloth, my hairbrush, towel. The bathroom is much larger than mine and I can still smell Hisao's shampoo in the steamy air. I kneel on the floor in front of the shower and feel out the stall; the last thing I need is to slip on a bar of soap Hisao carelessly left behind. Finding nothing, I set my things in the shower where I can find them again easily, lining them carefully on the little shelf on the wall. I disrobe, placing my folded pajamas in a separate pocket on the outside of my bag.
  196.  
  197. I turn the shower on, filling the room with the sound of running water. I wait for a moment before testing the stream and find it far too hot for my liking. Hisao likes his water very hot. I turn the nozzle back and forth, trying to find the right position so the water won't be too warm. My shower has buttons that heat the water to a predetermined level, but Hisao just has a simple knob to choose hot or cold. I have to turn the knob left and right to find the most pleasant temperature. Even so, all of these inconveniences are worth it if I get to spend the night with him.
  198.  
  199. Eventually I find a comfortable level, a bit on the cool side, just how I like it, and I step into the shower, closing the door behind me. The water is soothing and makes my skin clench, the sensation waking me up and doing wonders for my aches. I sigh and turn the water up just slightly after I become accustomed to the feeling of it against my skin. I smell steam begin rising up as the water heats and I set it to a comfortable level.
  200.  
  201. I feel out my washcloth and soap and begin taking my shower, the wondrous smell of my peaches scented shampoo clearing away any last vestiges of cobwebs in my head. The water runs down my head and I plunge my face into the stream, gasping slightly as I do. Water cascades down my long hair and I feel the night sweat being cleared away, dragging my fingers through and getting all the messy tangles out. I sigh and let the water roll over me and down my back, tickling me as it passes. I let any signs of stress wash away as I take the chance to privately unwind.
  202.  
  203. A few minutes pass and I hear a click outside the stall as a door opens. Maybe he simply forgot something in here, but I can't keep a smile off my face as Hisao enters the bathroom. I wonder idly if the glass door is steamed up enough to hide me, not that I mind it if he watches. It would only be returning the favor if he decided to join me after all.
  204.  
  205. Well, we can't do that, I muse regretfully. While I'm glad that he might be taking some initiative in our physical relationship, we simply don't have the time this morning.
  206.  
  207. Pity, I hate to disappoint him.
  208. Although, if he does ask, it won't require much convincing on his part to change my mind.
  209.  
  210. I'm about to tell him this when a voice speaks out; “What are you doing, man?”
  211.  
  212. Every pore on my body tightens and my blood runs frigid cold through my veins, the warm water doing nothing to melt the ice cubes now running under my skin!
  213. That voice!
  214. That is not Hisao!
  215. I recognize it from class! It's Setou, Hisao's hall mate!
  216. I nearly shriek, but clamp my hands around my mouth to keep the exclamation from bursting forth.
  217.  
  218. “Why are you taking a second shower, man? You know the schedule! You get early morning shift and I get late! You're screwing up my whole routine here!“
  219.  
  220. I panic, my mouth held shut. I fumble and grab for the inside handle of the shower, holding it as tightly as I can to keep him from entering.
  221.  
  222. “Oh, I get it! Throw them off, huh?" Setou continues. "I see what you're doing. If you stick to a schedule then they'll know where you are, when you are. I like that, Hisao! You're starting to think like a man who wants to survive. You can't let those horrid bitches get the drop on you!“
  223.  
  224. What is he talking about?
  225.  
  226. “So what have you been up too, anyway? If I didn't know better, I'd say you were avoiding me. Not that I don't appreciate your heightened sense of caution. Not at all! If we're not together in public, they can't take us out in an ambush. You've had me worried for some time, bro. You've been hanging out with that blind, amazon a lot recently and her little troglodyte girlfriend!“
  227.  
  228. I'm shocked at first and then outraged by Kenji's words. What did he just call Hanako?
  229. I get a little upset.
  230. I'm not an amazon, am I?
  231.  
  232. “Yeah, you had me going there. I mean, I thought at first that they had turned you into their slave or were blackmailing you, but you've really impressed me. Getting in this deep into their inner circle, infiltrating their numbers, it's impressive! You're the exact kind of man I'd want to rely on in an emergency. Just don't let yourself get in over your head, okay? You ever need an extraction, you give the word and I'll come to the rescue.“
  233.  
  234. Still tightly gripping the handle, I jump when I hear a bang on the door.
  235.  
  236. Please, God, please don't let this happen!
  237.  
  238. “You all right in there, man? You're being awfully silent, even more than usual.“
  239.  
  240. There's a hesitation.
  241.  
  242. I begin praying even harder that he'll just go away!
  243.  
  244. “Oh. Oh! I get it! Oh, man, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you in the middle of your 'business'! Heh, I'm sorry, bro. Goodness knows I like a little personal time myself, if you know what I mean!“
  245.  
  246. My cheeks begin to burn.
  247. Oh, my....
  248.  
  249. “Yeah, I get it. I get it! Tell you what, I'll just take my shower later. You just, heh, take care of your personal issues and I'll come around when the room is free. Just do me a favor, okay? Clean the shower really good, all right? It's common courtesy. Next time put a sock on the doorknob or something!“
  250.  
  251. I hear sniffing.
  252.  
  253. “Man, what is that? Peaches and vanilla? What the hell, man!? You're gonna smell like a girl all day! You need to get yourself some real body wash or some fancy cologne. Like something that smells like a mountain would or maybe a bear! Here, I'll leave you a bottle of my stuff. Don't thank me, it's the least I can do! You'll like it, it's tough and chicks will dig it, the commercials say so. I'm not sure what it's called, I can't read the tiny print, but it'll make you smell like a man!“
  254.  
  255. There's the sound of something moving around and a door opening. “Talk to you later, dude!” The door shuts and I'm alone again.
  256.  
  257. I gasp for air and pant in terror, shaking all over. I quickly finish my shower, wash my hair and grab my things hastily. I find the door and quadruple check my for any sounds outside. I have an irrational fear Setou is just outside waiting in ambush.
  258.  
  259. Maybe I should wait for Hisao to come looking for me?
  260.  
  261. Oh, I don't want to do that to him, inconvenience him like that. Not to mention what it would do to his reputation if it got out he let me stay overnight, let alone what it would do to my own!
  262.  
  263. Sure of my safe passage, I dart through the hall, hand on the wall, making doubly sure I go in the proper direction and quickly reenter Hisao's room, the door thankfully left unlocked. I step through with all my things in a bundle and slam the door shut, leaning against it and panting hard.
  264.  
  265. I am back in Hisao's room.
  266.  
  267. Thank you, God.
  268.  
  269. “Hey Lilly, just in time! Breakfast is....” I hear a clatter of plates and bowls falling to the ground. “L-Lilly?”
  270.  
  271. That's when I realize I'm still dripping wet and wrapped in a towel.
  272.  
  273. “Wha... what, um, are you doing?” Hisao stammers nonsensically.
  274.  
  275. Goodness, what should I say? The situation was embarrassing enough, but I don't want to tell Hisao his roommate just walked in on me! I don't think he's the jealous type, but he may not react well to it either way.
  276.  
  277. “Um, are you okay, Lilly?
  278. I take a moment to collect my thoughts on what I should say. “Yes, well, we are in a rush, so I thought I should hurry back. I can get dressed here just as easily and I don't want to stay in the shower too long. After all, someone might walk past and wonder who it might be inside this late.“
  279.  
  280. There's a long pause where I imagine Hisao is trying to get his train of thought back on track and follow my somewhat rushed reasoning. I'm pleased that he's so flustered by my presence and near nudity. The last thing I would want was for it to become commonplace.
  281.  
  282. “I see. Um, okay, that makes sense. My hall mate does take late showers.”
  283. I feel a grumpy pout on my face that I don't intend to show. He could have mentioned that earlier. "I am aware."
  284. "Sorry?"
  285. "Oh, nothing, nothing at all. I'll just get dressed." I smile a little bashfully. “You don't mind, do you?”
  286.  
  287. “Oh, no! No, not at all! I mean, it's not like I haven't seen you naked, when you're dripping wet... all over... and I'm gonna clean these plates up now.“
  288.  
  289. My cheeks burn as I dry my hair and dress myself as quickly and hastily as possible while Hisao cleans up the accident I inadvertently caused. When I'm done I find Hisao's desk and pull the chair out, sitting down, running fingers through my hair to straighten it out. “I'm very sorry about that, Hisao. I hope it wasn't a very large mess,” I apologize.
  290.  
  291. Hisao step up to me and places a hand on my shoulder. “No, not at all. Don't worry about it.” He chuckles. “Just a second, Lilly.”
  292.  
  293. I feel his hands on my shoulders, straightening my uniform, tightening the bow around my neck. I thank him for fixing my haste.
  294. Then I hear him as he rummages through my bag at my feet and begins brushing my hair.
  295.  
  296. “Hisao, you don't have to do that....”
  297. “I know,” he says, running his fingers through my hair. “We don't have much time, so I don't mind helping. Actually, I kind of like it.”
  298.  
  299. I blush and cover my cheek. “Oh! Well then, please, go right ahead.”
  300.  
  301. Hisao softly drags the brush through my hair, but he spends almost as much time using his fingers, tickling the sensitive part on the back of my neck, I'm not sure whether on purpose or not.
  302. Hm, I guess it does feel good.
  303. At one point he kisses my neck and breathes in the scent of my hair. “I like that shampoo you're using. What is it, vanilla? Peach?“
  304.  
  305. “Yes, I thought you might like it.”
  306. “Well, you were right.”
  307.  
  308. When he's finished with my hair, I wrap it up in my ribbon using the same, practiced movements I've used for years. Hisao sits down near me, the springs in his bed creaking as he does. “Here you go, something a little different; eggs and toast with a little potato and vegetables. I thought we could use a little variety.“
  309.  
  310. I hear him set the food in front of me and a slight pressure on my knuckles as he holds the eating utensil lightly against my hand. I take it, find that it's a fork, and thank him for the food, eating carefully, but quickly.
  311. It's only a few bites later of the delicious breakfast Hisao has made for us that I realize I don't hear him eating. “Aren't you hungry, Hisao?”
  312. “Heh. Well, yeah, but the plate I dropped was mine.”
  313.  
  314. I set the fork down, realizing my mistake. I feel terribly guilty for feeding myself in a hurry in front of him without regard for his meal. “Oh, Hisao, I apologize. It was my fault, I shouldn't have barged in the room like that. Here, you should eat this then.“ I scoot away to give him space.
  315.  
  316. “No, no, you eat, Lilly. I made it for you.”
  317. “What about you?”
  318.  
  319. Hisao laughs, comforting my guilty tone and feelings and I hear him shift on the bed, closer to me. “It's all right, Lilly. Please, eat!”
  320.  
  321. I feel even worse now. “You need to eat something as well....”
  322. “Tell you what; we'll share it. A little breakfast is better than nothing at all, right?“
  323.  
  324. I hear him take a chair and sit next to me at the desk, close enough to brush against my leg. I smile and nudge the plate closer so he can get to it. “Well, all right. Actually, that sounds nice.”
  325.  
  326. Breakfast in bed it isn't, but this is close enough, I think.
  327.  
  328. We share the meal and the fork together. Still, I can't help but suspect that Hisao leaves me the lion's share of it.
  329.  
  330. “Lilly, open your mouth,” he asks me.
  331.  
  332. I'm a little suspicious, but I do so and Hisao places a piece of food just on my lips and I bite into it. I smirk and reciprocate, holding the food out and he takes it, sometimes making ridiculous eating sounds as he does that makes me laugh. It's amusing the way he feeds me, letting the food rest on my lips, touching it to my tongue softly. He even kisses away an errant speck of something on my cheek.
  333. We feed each other playfully for a while until the food becomes scarce and Hisao pops the last morsel between my lips. “That was delicious, Hisao, and fun. Thank you for preparing breakfast this morning.”
  334.  
  335. He touches my lips with his fingers and kisses me. "Of course. I'm happy when I get the chance to do something for you once in a while."
  336.  
  337. Hisao gently takes my hand and puts a long, tiny chain in my palm, my necklace weighing heavily on my fingertips. “Here, you left it on the nightstand.“
  338. “Would you mind....?“ I pull my hair up and away.
  339. Hisao wraps his arms around me and helps me put the cross on, clipping the tiny clasp behind my neck
  340. “Thank you, Hisao.“
  341. He kisses me on the cheek and touches my face softly.
  342. “You're welcome, Lilly. Time to get going, right? Let's get to class.”
  343.  
  344. ----------------------------------------
  345.  
  346. Hisao first checks the halls before we leave and the two of us hastily exit the boy's dormitories. It wouldn't do for us to be caught in such a situation and I don't want any more close calls like what happend in the shower.
  347.  
  348. Outside the air is warm and the sun is very intense, enough to make my still slightly damp hair feel hot. I have my arm looped in Hisao's and the two of us walk together, the cement pathway under our feet. Our shoes clicking against the sidewalk, the wind rustling leaves and a few birds singing are the only sounds as we pass through the wide open grounds of the school yard.
  349.  
  350. “That was really nice,” Hisao says apropos of nothing.
  351. “Oh? What was, Hisao?” I ask curiously.
  352.  
  353. He squeezes my arm gently and pulls me a little closer to him. “What we did last night. I really enjoyed that.”
  354.  
  355. I feel my cheeks warm up. “Hisao, but we didn't....”
  356.  
  357. He laughs and I feel him grip my hand. “No, not that. I mean just sleeping next to each other. I liked that, it was nice. I've been having a lot of trouble getting rest lately and when you're with me... I just sleep a lot more soundly next to you, I guess.“
  358.  
  359. My heart flutters and I rest my head against his shoulder. “I'm glad I could be of some help to you, then.”
  360.  
  361. His other hand touches my face and it tickles my cheek.
  362.  
  363. We walk in pleasant silence together towards class. I feel a coolness wash over me. We must be standing in the shadow of the main building.
  364. I hesitate for a moment.
  365.  
  366. “What's wrong, Lilly?”
  367. I grimace slightly. I'm not sure how to bring up the subject.
  368. Hisao seems to pause in thought next to me and then puts a hand on my shoulder. “Ah, I understand. You go ahead to your class. I'll go in a few minutes after you.“
  369.  
  370. It's not that I'm embarrassed to be seen with Hisao. Walking together through the commons isn't an issue but to arrive at our classes at the exact same time could cause people to... talk.
  371.  
  372. “I don't want you to be late, Hisao.”
  373. “It isn't as if it matters. Mutou probably isn't even there yet either. I'll be fine, you get going, Miss Class Represenitive.“
  374.  
  375. I feel a subdued laugh and smile towards him, feeling gratitude for his understanding. Listening intently for anyone around us and sensing no one, I lift my chin, requesting a kiss from him. He answers the gesture and we hold it for several long, tantalizing breathes before separating.
  376. “I love you, Lilly.”
  377. I rest my head against him. “I love you, Hisao. Will you be having lunch with Hanako and myself?“
  378. “Absolutly. We'll wait for you in class and we'll head to the tea room.“
  379. “Good. Now remember, Akira will be visiting today after school. She says she has something special planned for the three of us.“
  380. “I wouldn't miss it for the world.”
  381.  
  382. He holds me for just a few moments longer before he kisses me once more.
  383. “See you later, Lilly.“
  384. I give him a sweet smile. “Goodbye, Hisao.”
  385.  
  386. I withdraw my cane from my small bag and flip it out to it's full length, gently resting the tip against the floor. I hear the door open in front of me. “What a gentlemen,” I say over my shoulder to Hisao as I head into school.
  387.  
  388. I am inside the front lobby.
  389.  
  390. I walk away from the door through the main hall, my cane whipping lightly back and forth, searching for obstructions or obstacles as I go. I head towards the left, the wall always within reach of my hand or cane until I find the stairwell and ascend carefully to the third floor.
  391.  
  392. First door, second door, class 3-2.
  393.  
  394. I hear voices from inside and I open the door, stepping into the classroom. A chime makes a sound as the door opens, announcing my entrance. “Good morning, everyone.“
  395.  
  396. I am in my classroom.
  397.  
  398. “Good morning, Lilly,” a few classmates say, responding to my voice.
  399.  
  400. “Lilly,” Miyagi, our homeroom teacher, says from the front of the class, “I was worried. We were just about to announce roll call.“
  401.  
  402. “I apologize,” I say, bowing slightly towards the sound of her voice, “I had a late start this morning.”
  403.  
  404. “Well, that's all right, you're still on time. Take your seat and we'll begin.“
  405.  
  406. I follow the line of desks, my fingers grazing the tops.
  407.  
  408. First row, second row, third row.
  409. I pivot and turn to the left.
  410. First desk, second desk.
  411.  
  412. My hand on the chair behind my station, I sit down and scoot in, straightening my skirt as I do.
  413.  
  414. "Good morning, Lilly." a chearful voice greets me from my left.
  415. "Good morning, Aoi, how are you doing?"
  416. "I'm well. Are you ready for class?"
  417. "I most certainly am."
  418. "Good, I was wondering if you were going to make it today."
  419. "Why do you say that?"
  420. I hear Aio giggle under her breath and whisper. "You never came back to your dorm last night."
  421. My cheeks start burning, but thankfully Sensai Miyagi saves me from further explanation.
  422.  
  423. “All right, everyone,” Miyagi calls. “Let's get roll call over with.”
  424.  
  425. The teacher announces each of our names and we reply in turn, marking both our attendance and allowing other students to know who is here and where they sit.
  426.  
  427. “Lilly Satou?”
  428. “Present,” I say.
  429.  
  430. The door suddenly chimes, another late student joining the class.
  431. “Hey,” I hear a voice call out in an apathetic greeting.
  432.  
  433. Oh my, it's Setou.
  434. Several students respond to his presence in greeting like they did with my entrance, including Aoi. I remain circumspectly silent.
  435.  
  436. “Kenji, you're lucky. I was just about to get to your name,“ Miyagi chides. ”You would have been tardy.“ The teacher pauses with a shuffle of paper. “Again.”
  437.  
  438. “Sorry. Rough morning, you understand.”
  439.  
  440. I hear a bump nearby and a surprised gasp from a student. “Sorry,” Kenji hastily says, ”scuse' me.“
  441.  
  442. Kenji passes me and I smell a strong odor of cologne on him. My fist tightens, realizing he must not have had a chance to take a shower this morning. It's hard to feel sorry for him after what he said about me and Hanako, though.
  443. A chair scrapes and is pushed in towards a desk, Kenji joining the class. I hear the teacher sigh heavily and then call his name for roll call. “Kenji Setou?”
  444.  
  445. “What?! Who said that!?” Kenji cries out in a panic, followed by the sound of a hurled chair.
  446.  
  447. ----------------------------------------
  448.  
  449. Class is always an interesting experience. I'm not sure how Hisao or Hanako handle it, but I've always found class time to be more than just learning about the subject we are being taught. The methods of being taught are as interesting to me as the academic topic itself. All the textbooks are in braille, but they are used rather sparingly as most of the teaching is communicated on a verbal level. Questions are asked out loud and recorded with special pens that leave behind a waxy mark so that answers can be reviewed easily by touch at a later time. Tactile maps are used in geography with various textures to represent land masses and formation and geometry is taught using pegboards and string to 'feel' the shapes and angles being drawn. 3D models are also very common.
  450.  
  451. I've always wanted to be a teacher. Learning for myself seems to be secondary to me compared to how I can help others learn. English is of course my preferred topic and the focus of today's lesson. I'm often asked by other students to lend a hand when they require help. Being both very fluent and the class Representative, it's my duty to help them in any way I am able.
  452.  
  453. It would make sense for me to become a teacher for the blind. It would be straightforward to focus on a verbal subject, but I'm hesitant to limit myself like that. If I am to become a teacher, I will need to expect that I'll be helping students who may not have sight limitations. I've done a great deal of research into the various resources that can be used to make the transition of information between sighted and unsighted people easier. I have also spoken to teacher Miyagi about the methods she uses to teach a class full of students with limited or no sight and have thought about how I could use them for myself.
  454.  
  455. Thinking about that leads me to remember why I wanted to become a teacher in the first place; my English tutor back in my private school days.
  456.  
  457. I sigh, remembering my time in Catholic school and the time I spent with him, my thoughts wandering towards my unspoken feelings. I do not regret keeping my school girl crush secret. The situation would have been so horribly awkward and embarrassing. Still, every second I spent with him in private was the most treasured part of my day. I've always been overly sensitive to what people think of me, but his opinion and approval were the most important things on my mind at that period of my life.
  458.  
  459. I don't regret keeping my secret, but I do regret never even knowing what he looked like. I never worked up the courage to ask him if I could feel his face, to 'see' him. I tried to once and I fumbled with my words with an excuse that ended with me just borrowing a textbook from him. It wasn't even braille and I felt mortified by how stupid he must have thought I was!
  460. It seems now that every time I try to conjure up what he could have looked like, all of my ideas and thoughts end up getting mixed up with what I imagine Hisao looks like! They're similar in several ways and I have no doubts it's one of the many reasons I was attracted to Hisao to begin with.
  461.  
  462. I'm glad I kept my feelings private. To actually confess to a teacher? Unthinkable! Things like that don't happen in real life and they never end well. I would never want to put him or anyone through something like that.
  463.  
  464. Then again, I did, didn't I?
  465.  
  466. “Lilly?”
  467. I snap to attention, realizing I've been daydreaming. “Yes, teacher?”
  468. “Can you tell me what was wrong with my statement?”
  469. I think for a moment, reviewing what I had heard in the background while I had been wandering in my own thoughts. “The tense of the word was wrong. The proper word is 'caught' not 'catch'. Also, 'funner' is not a word," I say, paying careful attention to my pronunciation.
  470. “Correct, Lilly. Well done, as usual.”
  471. The lesson continues and I feel a little pride over my quick recovery.
  472.  
  473. Soon enough, I again lose interest, though. We're mostly going over reviews for exams and they don't offer much to me in the way of refreshing my memory of things I have already studied. I think about Hisao, my heart fluttering as I do, how kind he is and how gentle, how he tries his best to be friends with everyone he meets. He always doubts his abilities, but he is such a wonderful young man. He may not realize it, but he has a charisma about him, a way of endearing himself to those around him. He's very handsome, as well, another positive in his favor.
  474. He was so careful and fragile when I first met him. He almost reminded me of Hanako, in need of just a little provocation and support to get him back on his feet. The way he fumbled about in the new and unfamiliar social circle of Yamaku was the first indication I had that he was in need of a friend. I admit, I found his innocent clumsiness to be very endearing.
  475.  
  476. From there though, things changed so quickly. It was very difficult for me to figure out what I was feeling in those first few weeks. After Hanako's early birthday party, when he gave me my music box, he was all I could think about while I with my family in Scotland. It was ridiculous! I was with my family for the first time in years and all I could think about was a boy I had met just a few weeks prior.
  477.  
  478. When he called about Hanako's trouble over her birthday, I admit I felt a little jealous that she was all he talked about. Then the second call came and we got the chance to speak together and he said how much he missed me. It was the same thing I felt! That whole night I couldn't sleep, I felt like I was floating. All I wanted to do was get back and be near him again.
  479.  
  480. When Akira offered to let us use the summer house in Hokaido for a special return celebration, I jumped at the chance. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to spend time away from Yamaku with Hisao and it would give Hanako the chance to get outside the school walls as well. I thought maybe it would give me the chance to work out what I was feeling away from Yamaku, clear my head so I could deal with what was going on between us, if anything. Everything went awry though when he collapsed right in front of me and there was nothing I could do! I had never felt so useless and helpless before! All the help I had thought I had given him meant nothing! I realized how quickly I could lose him. If Hanako hadn't been there with us....
  481.  
  482. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about that, about how things would be if he were no longer around, if I couldn't be near him every day.
  483.  
  484. 'Your mother and I want you home, Lillian,' that's what father said to me when we were together.
  485. The words makes my chest throb in pain.
  486.  
  487. I must have made a sound because my desk mate Aoi speaks quietly under the teacher's voice. “Lilly, are you okay?”
  488. I snap to attention, my back straight. “What do you mean?” I ask.
  489. “Is everything all right? It sounded like you were... whimpering.“
  490. “No, I'm fine, Aoi. Just an upset stomach. Please, don't be concerned about me.“
  491.  
  492. I return to my thoughts after Aoi is assured I'm all right, but the truth of it is that I'm not all right. I wring my hands together, thoughts of Scotland and my family running through my head, blocking out the sounds of the teacher's lesson. Those weeks in Scotland with mother and father after so many years apart were wonderful! Mother was ecstatic and Akira and I spent hours talking with her over absolutely nothing in particular. The sound of her voice was more than enough. She took us to shops and we had lunches and she practically flaunted and displayed us to all her many friends and associates, to show them the daughters she had told them so much about and who she was so proud of.
  493.  
  494. And Father....
  495.  
  496. Father was so happy! He seemed hesitant at first when we met in the airplane terminal, like he was expecting his little girl to step through the door and hug his leg again. When I first heard his voice, that low, purring laugh of his, I threw my arms around him and held on as tight as I could. It made me sad to realize I could wrap my arms around him this time, but I didn't care. He still managed to lift me off my feet and he called me 'Lillian.' No one calls me that, only him. I missed him so much and he was so happy to see me again. He said I had become a beautiful woman! Mother told me later that he had almost cried when he saw me. Father never cries, I wouldn't have thought it was possible!
  497.  
  498. About a week after we arrived, Mother and Father took me and Akira aside privately and said they wanted us to join them in Scotland. Akira was receiving a promotion that would require her to move overseas and they wanted me to come along. I agreed too quickly, so excited I was at the idea. It wasn't until later I considered what that actually meant. Leaving Japan, the friends I have here. What would it mean for my wish to become a teacher? I'm sure it will be far more difficult to find such a job in Scotland than here. What does Scotland need English teachers for, unless they need help to get rid of that abominable accent!
  499.  
  500. I suppress a smirk, remembering how Akira and Mother got into it, teasing each other about their respective speech patterns. Even Father seems to have picked up a Scottish burr at times.
  501.  
  502. Back to the point, what will become of my life here?
  503.  
  504. My fingers dance on my desk top nervously, gripping my pen tightly. I think about Hanako and what will happen to her. I know that she has come a long way in a very short time, but I still worry about her.
  505.  
  506. The first time we met each other, she was unable to even say a single word to me. She just knocked on my door and I let her in without so much as a sound. I gave her a cup of tea and she sat across from me without a single thing being said by either of us. I could tell there was something wrong, but I let her have her silence. A few days later she came back and the day after she came again. Soon it became a routine and we started talking, mostly about school work, then about other things. We started playing chess and she finally began to open up. Then one day as we walked back to our dorms, she actually asked permission if she could be my friend.
  507.  
  508. As if she needed it!
  509.  
  510. Later I introduced her to Akira and I was pleased at how quickly the two bonded. Akira practically adopted her as a second sister, her protectiveness for me latching instantly onto Hanako. She became friends with Hisao in an even shorter amount of time, with me as a sort of intermediary between the two.
  511.  
  512. Oh, God, Hisao....
  513.  
  514. I remember what Hisao told me during our date. That girl he knew, Iwanako, left him and now I'm going to do the exact same thing!
  515. She told him she loved him and he had a heart attack! What will I do to him when I tell him I'm leaving!?
  516. Again, my chest throbs in pain and I have to cover my mouth.
  517.  
  518. “Lilly?”
  519. I gasp and straighten up behind my desk. “Y...yes, Aoi?”
  520. “You're doing it again, what's wrong?”
  521. “Nothing, I said I was fine,” I reply shortly.
  522. I hear a grunt of frustration from my desk mate. “Teacher!”
  523. Oh, Aoi, please don't!
  524. “Yes, Aoi, what is it?”
  525. “I think something is wrong with Lilly.”
  526.  
  527. My face burns in embarrassment as the lesson screeches to a halt.
  528. “Lilly, are you feeling all right?” Miyagi asks.
  529. I hesitate for a moment, overcome with the realization that I've become a distraction and an annoyance to everyone. “I'm fine, Ma'am. Please, I don't want to be a bother.“
  530.  
  531. “Lilly, if you're not feeling well, you're more than welcome to see the Nurse. To be honest, you look a little pale.“
  532.  
  533. I pause for a moment, torn by what I should do. I swiftly realize that it would be best if I just left, I'm becoming a nuisance to the other students at this point. “Yes, I think I should see the Nurse,” I say.
  534.  
  535. I get up from my chair, take my cane in hand and maneuver my way to the door.
  536. “Would you like me to send someone with you, Lilly?” Miyagi asks.
  537. “That won't be necessary, Ma'am. I'm certain I can manage on my own. Thank you.”
  538.  
  539. I leave the classroom, the chime announcing my departure.
  540.  
  541. I am in the school hallway
  542.  
  543. Walking away from the classroom, I feel a little of the weight lift from my shoulders as I put distance between the room full of students and myself, though my breath still burns in my chest. I begin heading towards the Nurse's office, but I realize there really isn't anything that he could do for me.
  544. Yet I can't go back to class either.
  545.  
  546. I find the nearby girl's bathroom and enter a stall, locking it behind me. Sitting down on the floor with my back to the stall wall, I wrap my arms around my knees and think, imagining my family on one side of the world and the people I love here on the other. I find myself stretched thin between the hemispheres, trying not to cry or make any noise, trying to figure out what I should do.
  547.  
  548. ----------------------------------------
  549.  
  550. The bell chimes through the school's halls announcing that the lunch hour has begun. I can't believe I spent almost the entire morning hiding! I'm ashamed I left class like that, but I don't know what else I could have done. I can't let others be hampered or bothered by something that is my own to deal with.
  551.  
  552. I leave the bathroom and find myself torn between hurrying to meet Hisao and Hanako for lunch and delaying my arrival to their class. I don't want to miss lunch with them, but I have so much on my mind, I'm not sure what to do when I get there. Maybe I should speak with Hanako and Hisao together and explain what's happening?
  553.  
  554. Or maybe it would be better to talk to them separately? Oh, but Hisao is my boyfriend, I should tell him first.
  555.  
  556. Though I have known Hanako longer and she may need more time to come to terms with me leaving.
  557.  
  558. Then again, Hisao could become upset enough that something may happen to his heart. Should I tell him now or wait till later? I don't have that much time!
  559.  
  560. Maybe Hanako could be there and we could tell him together? Or would he be upset if I told her first and left him out? What if he gets angry that I've kept this a secret from him? What if he gets angry enough that something happens to him?
  561.  
  562. Oh, dear....
  563.  
  564. I need to tell both of them about my parents, especially Hisao, but I don't know how to approach the subject safely. What if something happens to him because of what I do or say? What if Hanako withdraws and refuses to speak to me? By the time she would talk to me again, I may already be gone and then what would happen to our friendship? What if I tell Hisao and he has another episode? What would happen to our relationship then? Do we even have a relationship to begin with? I've been holding back this entire time and he has been nothing but honest and open with me.
  565.  
  566. I would never forgive myself if I hurt Hisao, but it doesn't matter what choice I make, I'll end up breaking his heart no matter what I do.
  567.  
  568. The irony of that thought makes me cringe and I push it to the back of my mind for later.
  569.  
  570. When I arrive at class 3-3, it's very quiet and I don't think anyone is present. I stand for a moment at the door, pondering whether or not I should enter. There isn't any sound coming from the open door and I'm a little reluctant to simply waltz inside.
  571.  
  572. Strange, Hisao said he and Hanako would wait for me here.
  573.  
  574. “Hello?”
  575. No answer.
  576. How very odd....
  577.  
  578. A noise inches from my face startles me and I flinch from it with a gasp. A disproportionately loud laugh fills the room after the sudden noise, which I realize is a finger snap, and then I know I know I'm not alone in the classroom.
  579. “Hello~, Lilly! Long time no see!” Misha practically shouts at me.
  580.  
  581. I shudder slightly. Misha can lack tact at times, but it isn't her fault and she doesn't do it on purpose, so I know the rude snapping fingers came from Shizune. Being alone with the two of them is not how I wanted to spend the afternoon, certainly not after the way this morning has turned out. I pull myself together after Shizune's rude greeting and put on as polite a smile as I can manage given the circumstances. I find its' best to be as diplomatic as possible when dealing with my cousin and not allow her any room to find fault. “Hello, Misha. Hello, Shizune. Have either Hisao or Hanako been here recently?“
  582.  
  583. “We haven't seen either of them, Lilly! Hicchan left class almost an hour ago and Hanako went with him!“
  584. I can understand if Hanako needed to leave suddenly, but I'm surprised by Hisao doing so in the middle of class. “Where did they go?” I ask.
  585. A moment passes and I presume Shizune signs before Misha translates. “Hicchan had to go to the Nurse and back to his dorm. When he came to class this morning, he was out of breath and he said that he had forgotten his medi-medication this morning,“ she stammers, fumbling over translating the word for a moment.
  586.  
  587. A flash of worry stabs through my chest and makes my throat go dry. “Is... is he all right?”
  588. “He was a little pale, but he looked all right to us. He really didn't want to go, but teacher insisted he do so.“
  589.  
  590. I think back over the events of the morning. I had thought Hisao would have taken his medication as soon as he woke up. I become worried thinking that he may have been too busy preparing breakfast for the two of us or was concerned with my presence there and neglected his medication.
  591.  
  592. “Speaking of which,” Misha continues. “We have been looking for you! We wanted to speak to you about Hicchan!”
  593. I'm a little surprised and concerned by the way Shizune says that by way of Misha. “Well, all right, what is it you wanted to ask?”
  594.  
  595. There's a long pause and by the sound of rustling sleeves, I imagine Shizune is signing very quickly. I brace myself for the long lecture she has likely prepared for me ahead of time.
  596.  
  597. “We have observed over the last several weeks a very disturbing trend beginning to emerge in Hicchan's behavior. Within the last month he has been recorded tardy for class several times and has shown a severe lack of interest in school during his free time. In addition, this is not the first time he has made mention of forgetting to take his medication! While his test scores are still exemplary and his health seems to be within safe par-ra-meters, we can't help but wonder if his recent distraction is in some way your fault.“
  598.  
  599. I'm a little stunned by Shizune's words translated through Misha. “My fault? What do you mean by that?”
  600.  
  601. “It means,” Misha continues, “that while we were hesitant to comment on your relationship with him before now, it seems we'll have to have some sort of intervention on Hicchan's behalf! It's plain to see your laziness is beginning to rub off on him and it would be a shame if such an excellent student such as Hicchan were to be dragged down by your lack of work ethic with exams well on the way! Even worse if this trend of neg-li-gence were to spread to his health!“
  602.  
  603. My fist tightens on the handle of my cane, but I keep any signs on frustration out of my voice. “If Hisao's grades are not suffering and are as good as you say they are, I can't imagine why you should be concerned. As for his health, thank you for the news, but I think perhaps it should be Hisao himself you would mention your concerns to and not to me. I most certainly will speak with him about it. Either way, I honestly do not know what business it is of yours, Shizune.“
  604.  
  605. I can feel the arrogance coming off of her even while I'm speaking. I imagine she must have some sort of self-righteous expression as she snaps her fingers near my face again. This time though, I don't let her see me flinch, I only allow myself a little scowl.
  606.  
  607. “It is our business when school rules are being broken at the same time!“
  608. “And what rules would those be?”
  609. Misha laughs. “Curfew and conduct!”
  610.  
  611. A heavy pit begins to grow in my stomach.
  612. “The last several nights you have not been in your room after curfew!“
  613. “And how exactly would you know that?”
  614. “We checked!”
  615. “So you admit you yourselves were out after curfew, is that it then?”
  616. Misha stammers a bit before Shizune cuts her off with several noises, palm striking against palm, I think. “As student council, even you can see it is our duty to ensure all students follow the code of conduct laid out for us by the school's regulations! It may have been some time since you actually did any official work, but you at least remember that, correct?“
  617. My frown deepens. “Even if ensuring those rules are being followed means that you yourself break those rules?“
  618. “In order to ensure the population is within regulation, then yes! A few must be placed above the others to ensure order! As student council, that is our privilege!“
  619.  
  620. I sigh in frustration. Typical of Shizune to believe that somehow she has the right to police others actions and ignore those selfsame rules when it comes to her own conduct. “I honestly don't think anything I do in my private life is your business, Shizune. What I do during my own time is my own concern, not yours.“
  621. “It is when it affects other students! Hicchan was late this morning and showed signs of distress, he had to take time out of his schooling to take his medication and check in with the Nurse! One can only suspect that somehow you may be responsible for that!“
  622. This topic is becoming uncomfortable and I try to remain neutral “Again, I don't know how I could be responsible for such a thing.“
  623.  
  624. Misha laughs and I can hear Shizune's feelings translated through her. “Hy-po-theti-cally speaking, if one were not located in their own room at night, they would have to find some other location to sleep in. Perhaps once they found a place to sleep, perhaps with someone they are familiar with, that could prove a distraction to this individual, enough so that they begin doing other things in the morning than take their medication and arrive in a timely manner!“
  625.  
  626. My cheeks begin to turn red.
  627.  
  628. “If Hicchan continues to be troubled by whatever the cause of his recent distraction is, we'll have no choice but to investigate further for his own good! If his school work and health begin to suffer, we'll have no recourse at that point but to intervene! We've turned a blind eye to your little late night tea parties because they were between you and Hanako, but if Hicchan is spending time after hours in the girls dorm or you in his dorm after dark, we have reason to suspect that your little parties have become something far more sinister! Perhaps the distraction to Hicchan would have to be removed or perhaps it might have to become public knowledge as an example to other students of what happens when they break the rules. One can only wonder what would happen to this person's normally sterling reputation?“
  629.  
  630. That pit in my stomach begins to burn in anger, but I swallow it down like a bitter pill.
  631. How dare she threaten Hisao and me like this! I am in no mood today for Shizune's attitude! She's taken what has already been a bad day and made it even worse!
  632.  
  633. “Misha, you will tell Shizune that I will not be intimidated by her. What Hisao and I do is our own business, not hers. Tell her that....“
  634. “Excuse me?”
  635.  
  636. The sudden and sharp interruption cuts my own heated words off. The voice is Hisao's and his footsteps enter the room from behind me. Somewhere near him, I hear Hanako whisper in a shaky voice. “L-Lilly....”
  637.  
  638. I turn towards the sound the pair of them make. “Hisao? I was... just having a discussion with the student council.“
  639. “Yeah,“ he says, his voice still tightly drawn. ”I heard Misha.“
  640.  
  641. I'm not sure if Hanako joins him, but Hisao stands next to me and I can feel the tenseness radiating off of him. “Is there a problem, Misha?”
  642.  
  643. She stutters for a few seconds. “We were... just talking to Lilly, Hicchan.”
  644. “Like I said, I heard what you were talking about. Is there a problem?“
  645.  
  646. There's a moment where I imagine Shizune takes back control of the situation. “We were only informing Lilly about our concerns over your recent behavior and the possible ram-i-fa-cations.“
  647. “'Behavior'?”
  648. “Your lateness and lack of focus, as well as your recent health issues.”
  649. “Do you think Lilly is responsible for that?”
  650.  
  651. There's something in Hisao's voice I've never heard before, a degree of sharpness, a curt and mean edge. It sounds awful and it concerns me.
  652.  
  653. “One can only imagine that a relationship would be stressful to maintain at this time of the school year,“ Misha says on behalf of Shizune. ”We were only inquiring whether or not her presence was detracting from where your attention should be focused.“
  654.  
  655. “I don't think either my attention or my relationship with Lilly is either of your concerns. Just like what Lilly said, what we do is our business, not yours.“
  656.  
  657. “If it breaks school conduct and rules then we have to....”
  658.  
  659. “I heard what you said, and you don't have to do anything," Hisao interrupts. "Now tell Shizune what I'm saying, Misha; I don't like what she was saying about Lilly. If it's true, then it's none of her business and if it isn't then she's being a gossip and she should learn to piss off!“
  660.  
  661. I hear Misha gasp and a slight one escapes me as well. I feel the roughness of Hanako's hand lace between my fingers.
  662.  
  663. “Lilly and I,” Hisao continues with that same tenseness to his voice, “are none of her concern and I want her to stop antagonizing us. My health has nothing to do with her and I won't let her use that as an excuse to harass Lilly, understand? Shizune should focus on council business, not my personal life. Tell her that.“
  664.  
  665. There's a moment of silence where I'm sure Misha is trying to get her thoughts straight before she begins translating for Shizune. The mood in the room darkens and a few steps come near us, stopping right in front of Hisao. I'm sure it's Shizune from the height that I hear the level, controlled breathing coming from as she faces him. She could only be a few inches away from him and I doubt Misha would ever invade someone's personal space like that. The situation becomes very uncomfortable and I don't hear either Hisao relenting or Misha on behalf of Shizune.
  666.  
  667. Hanako squeezes my hand very tightly.
  668.  
  669. A movement in front of us, hands waving back and forth. “Fine,” Misha hesitantly says for Shizune. “It's none of our real concern anyway. Just see that it doesn't affect your schoolwork and we won't have to bring it to the teacher's attention.“
  670.  
  671. Shizune steps around us and I hear her footsteps begin to leave, followed by Misha's hesitant echo.
  672. Hisao leaves my side and follows after them. “Hold on.”
  673. Misha and Shizune stop walking. “What is it, Hicchan?“
  674. “I want Shizune to apologize to Lilly and me for what she said.“
  675.  
  676. More signing, I imagine, this time rapid and fast. “I most certainly will not,” Misha translates, though I imagine her voice carries none of the fire Shizune intended it to. “We are merely doing our job! Why should we apologize for that? It's our responsibility, and we will not shirk that duty like some people do!“
  677.  
  678. "I'm sick of you taking cheap shots at Lilly, Shizune! I want an apology now."
  679.  
  680. The door clicks open and both Hanako and I jump when it forcefully slams shut, hard enough to make the wall shudder.
  681.  
  682. “Did I say you could leave yet?” Hisao says.
  683.  
  684. Hanako clings tightly to my side and I even find myself a little alarmed by Hisao's tone.
  685.  
  686. I can only imagine how angry Shizune must be at this point. I've never known anyone to treat her this way and I'm not sure where Hisao summoned up this confrontational attitude. I'd be lying if I wasn't impressed by the confident tone he speaks in and pleased someone other than me is standing up to her, even if I can't fully approve of the way he is doing it.
  687.  
  688. “I don't like the things you said about me and Lilly,“ Hisao continues. ”So I want you to apologize to her for implying those things and apologize to me for digging into my personal issues. I won't have you spreading rumors about Lilly around school and my heart has nothing to do with you. You will not use it as a way to manipulate me or Lilly, do you understand? I want that apology right now.“
  689. “Hicchan, please....”
  690. “Tell her, Misha. Now!”
  691.  
  692. Misha makes a panicked squeak and she must sign frantically to Shizune because there is the sudden and angry stomp of a foot followed by several moments of tense silence, Hisao and Shizune probably staring at each other, facing against the other with anger and hard glares.
  693.  
  694. The door clicks open and is again slammed shut.
  695.  
  696. What follows feels like several minutes of unbearable silence, Hanako silently shivering next to me.
  697.  
  698. “We were only worried about you, Hicchan. Honest....“ Misha says, a downcast tone to her voice.
  699.  
  700. “If that's true, then thank you for your concern, Misha. I'm sure you're being sincere, but I doubt Shizune is being as honest. Now tell Shizune I want that apology again and she's not leaving until I get it.“
  701.  
  702. More hesitation, followed by sharp movements and the cutting sound of hands signing rapidly. “Shichan says she's sorry for suggesting some immoral conduct on your part, Lilly. She was only trying to ensure school ethics were being followed.“
  703. I hesitate for a moment, taken aback by Shizune's turn around and how Hisao procured it. “Apology accepted.”
  704. “And she apologizes to you, Hicchan. She says you won't have to worry about her being concerned for you anymore.“
  705. “Good.“
  706. “Shichan wants to know if we may leave now or are you going to continue to physically detain us?“
  707.  
  708. “No,” Hisao replies in a hard, but polite tone. “In fact, let me get the door for you.“
  709.  
  710. The door clicks open and I hear Misha and Shizune's steps rapidly vanish down the hall. Once they are gone, I hear Hisao give a very long, drawn out sigh and he must slump against the wall from the rubbing sound of cloth I hear. His breathing, while not labored, is louder than it should be.
  711.  
  712. Neither Hanako or I say anything, unsure of what to do. I've never heard Hisao sound so angry before! I never thought Hisao was the kind of person to have a temper. I've never heard anyone stand up to Shizune, let alone win an argument with her. She must have been as surprised and troubled by his reaction as I am It makes me think of what I was afraid of, of him learning the truth and being upset enough that something could happen to him.
  713.  
  714. I don't know what I would do if he yelled at me like that....
  715.  
  716. Something touches my shoulder and I flinch from it.
  717.  
  718. “Lilly, I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to....“ Hisao says, a hurt tone in his voice.
  719.  
  720. I find Hisao's hand and hold it in my own. “It's all right, Hisao, I was only surprised. That was... well, I don't know what that was.“
  721.  
  722. Hanako, silent the whole time, still stands very close to me, now clinging to my sleeve.
  723.  
  724. “I'm sorry,“ Hisao apologizes. ”I didn't mean to lose my temper like that. When I heard what they were saying about the two of us, I kind of lost my cool. I know how careful you are about appearances and the thought of them spreading rumors about you just... I shouldn't have snapped at her like that. I wanted to start screaming at Shizune, but I know that would have just made me look like an even bigger jerk than what I feel like right now“
  725.  
  726. “It's all right, Hisao. Thank you for being so careful about the matter, I appreciate it. I just... I never expected something like that from you.“
  727. “Yeah, I guess it surprised me too. I could have handled it better, though.”
  728.  
  729. Hisao is silent for a few seconds. “Hanako, I'm sorry I dragged you into that. I'm sorry if I frightened you. Thank you for going to the Nurse with me.“
  730.  
  731. “It-it's all right, Hisao. It's okay.”
  732.  
  733. I hear Hisao give a sigh of relief, pleased that Hanako forgives his outburst. I on the other hand am not so relieved. I never imagined Hisao was the kind of person to have such a short fuse. It wasn't an outburst,but it is still a cause for concern on my part.
  734.  
  735. “Are you... still interested in lunch together, Hisao?“
  736. When he replies, his voice is far more lively, relieved, almost chipper. “Of course! I've been looking forward to it the whole morning. I think I need it now more than ever.“
  737. “Are you sure? Is there... something bothering you?”
  738.  
  739. Hisao doesn't say anything at first, not responding to my question. I wish there was some way I could tell what he was thinking other than the tone of his voice.
  740.  
  741. “L-Lilly,” Hanako says, “I'll go get everything ready in the tea room, okay?“
  742.  
  743. I realize Hanako is giving me and Hisao the chance to talk privately. I'm very glad for the opportunity and I give her hand a squeeze in gratitude. “Good idea, Hanako, we'll catch up with you in a little bit. Set the chess board up, all right? Perhaps we can play a game before lunch is over.“
  744. “Okay, sure.”
  745. “I'll play winner,” Hisao says, a smile in his voice.
  746. Hanako makes a pleased little sound before her dainty footsteps recede and soon vanish.
  747.  
  748. Hisao and I are left in the classroom alone for a minute before I speak. “Hisao, are you really okay?”
  749. “Yes, Lilly, I'm all right," he says, it sounding forced.
  750. “It's just... you seemed very upset. Misha said you had forgotten your medication this morning.“
  751. “It's... fine, Lilly. I shouldn't have taken it out on Shizune like that. My medication just slipped my mind, that's all. I guess I was more angry at myself for forgetting this morning than anything."
  752. “It wasn't because of me, was it?”
  753. “What? No, of course not! Don't let Shizune make you think something like that. I'm perfectly fine, Lilly.“
  754. I don't fully believe him, but neither do I want to keep pressing him further on the subject. It's clear something is bothering him, but I'm not sure what it could be. Perhaps it does have something to do with him forgetting his medication or perhaps it is me and he doesn't want to hurt my feelings.
  755.  
  756. I may also just be imagining things. I sometimes get too protective of those around me. If Hisao was capable of standing up to Shizune and making her back off, perhaps I've underestimated his strength. Goodness knows I never expected Hanako to have made such leaps and bounds these past several weeks. Maybe Hisao is the same, stronger than I gave him credit for.
  757.  
  758. Perhaps strong enough for me to tell the truth to him, maybe even strong enough to get along without me.
  759.  
  760. Hisao loops my arm gently into his, his other hand resting atop mine, surprising me a little. “Come on. I don't want an argument with Shizune to ruin the rest of our day. We still have Akira's surprise to look forward to.“
  761. I put on a smile on and nod, relieved at his lighter tone. “Yes, we do, don't we?”
  762.  
  763. Hisao squeezes me lovingly before putting a kiss on the back of my hand. The touch of his lips against my fingertips makes me forgot all about what I was thinking as we leave the classroom arm in arm.
  764.  
  765. ----------------------------------------
  766.  
  767. Lunch passes by quickly. We don't even have the time to complete a single game of chess between lunch and preparing the tea. Hanako spends most of the lunch break excitedly telling us of her activities with the newspaper club. It seems that the faculty recently upgraded the computers the club uses to put together the school's little publication and none of the current club members understood how to work the new program. When Naomi and Natsumi discovered Hanako was quite adept at computers, she was recruited to help them learn the new system and Hanako decided to stay on to join the club. Hanako shares with us several articles Naomi had written she had been asked for her opinion on and even shares an idea of an article of her own she thought to write about the school concerning it's history and the Foundation that funds it. She is hesitant at first and it takes some encouraging on our part, but I think Hisao and I convince her to share her idea with Natsume and try to get it published.
  768.  
  769. It warms my heart to hear how Hanako has blossomed the past few months and how she has started to make friends at school beyond Hisao and myself. I may have been there to help her longer than him, but it seems Hisao's friendship has had an even greater effect on her in boosting her confidence. I love her dearly and I'm very grateful to her for her willingness to give Hisao and me time alone together. She's come such a long way in such a short time and I'm so proud of her tapping into those reserves of courage that I knew existed just below the surface.
  770.  
  771. With her progress, I think she'll be fine without me.
  772.  
  773. Lunch ends and we part ways, Hisao and Hanako heading back to their class but not before Hisao gives me a kiss on the lips that lingers longer than normal. I blush when I hear Hanako let out a bashful little giggle at the two of us and I hear him playfully tease her about watching as they leave, to which she protests in a flustered and embarrassed tone.
  774.  
  775. I make my way back to my own class, the path through the halls posing little difficulty for me to navigate. When I arrive, I hear the familiar chime ring out and I announce my presence to the students who have arrived from their own lunch periods. I hear one familiar voice give a sigh of relief when I call out. “Lilly! Thank goodness you're here.”
  776. “Aoi? What is it?”
  777.  
  778. Aoi's steps approach me along with the metronome clicking of her cane. “Well, I have a little bit of bad news, but I can handle it if you're not up to it.“
  779. “Aoi, of course I'm up for it, why wouldn't I be?“
  780. “Well,” she says with a concerned tone, “you seemed upset this morning and had to go the the Nurse, remember? Are you okay?“
  781. Embarrassed over my forgetfulness, I quickly come up with an excuse to alleviate her concern. “Oh, it was nothing, Aoi. I must have eaten something for breakfast that didn't agree with me. I feel much better now, I just needed some air.“
  782. She sighs in relief and I'm glad she isn't concerned over my outburst this morning. “Oh, good, I was worried about you.”
  783. “I'm very sorry for troubling you and interrupting class.“
  784. “Don't apologize, Lilly, it's all right. I'm just glad you're okay, we could use your help! Follow me.“
  785. Aoi finds me and gently takes my hand in hers, leading me down along the classroom wall and avoiding the line of desks. She stops and places my hands on a worktable.
  786. “There's some paperwork here that we need to fill out. There's so much of it!“
  787.  
  788. I tap my fingers around the table's surface until I find a large stack of papers.
  789. Then I find another.
  790. And another.
  791.  
  792. “Goodness, where did this all come from?”
  793. “Student council just dropped it off. Said it was backlogged and needed to be turned in by tomorrow morning! This much work could take us hours!“
  794.  
  795. I scowl and want to call Shizune a fowl word, but I restrain myself. She always needs to have the last word, I note with some ill temper humor. Not to mention she's dragged my whole class into her little vendetta over what happened before lunch.
  796.  
  797. “All right, it'll be okay, Aoi. We'll get a couple of the other students to help us and we'll have it done before you know it.“
  798.  
  799. We begin working, using the classroom's many braille readers and putting them to good use, several other students lending their hands as I delegate tasks to them. Communication is smooth and work is verbally addressed to the whole group, each student ticking off their progress to their fellow workers as the minutes turn into hours. Teacher Miyagi excuses some of us from the lesson plan in light of the amount of paperwork, but it is still late in the afternoon and there is much work left to be done.
  800.  
  801. The clock chimes, announcing that school is over and we have only just started to make some headroom with all the work before us. I hear chairs being pushed away from desks as the other students begin to gather their things to leave. I sigh and grimace, realizing I need to hurry and change out of my uniform before meeting Akira at the gates with Hisao and Hanako.
  802.  
  803. “Lilly, are you okay?” Aoi asks from my side.
  804. I smile and laugh. “Yes, Aoi, please, don't be such a worrier, I'm fine.“
  805. “If you're not feeling well again, I can handle the rest of this. You can get going if you'd like.“
  806.  
  807. The offer is very tempting, I admit. If I do stay around I most certainly will be late for the meet up, but I would feel guilty leaving Aoi and the others to do all this work alone.
  808.  
  809. What to do, I ponder.
  810.  
  811. An idea occurs to me that makes me feel slightly guilty, but it should end with everyone getting what they want. “Well, I would like to get going, if that's all right with you, Aoi.“
  812. “Of course, Lilly.”
  813. “Well, all right. I do feel a little bad leaving all of you to do this work alone.“
  814. “I can get a couple more students to help.”
  815. I smile as Aoi's suggestion is exactly what I had hoped she would say. “Then we should definitely hurry, they've already started to leave.“
  816. Aoi stands and clap her hands three times, a sign used in class to attract attention and cease conversation. “We need several helpers to handle all of the paper work the council gave us this afternoon,“ she says aloud. Aoi calls out a couple names of students to stay and help and two even volunteer to stay until the evening.
  817.  
  818. I lean over to Aoi and whisper to her. “Perhaps Kenji Setou would be a help? With him around the work should go by quickly.“
  819. Aoi hesitates. “Setou? Are you sure? He's a little... strange, don't you think?“
  820. “Yes, but he is one of our few sighted students. I'm sure he'll be able to do a lot more work than the rest of us in a shorter amount of time.“
  821. “Oh, good idea, Lilly, I guess that is true. Setou!”
  822. From the front of the room, suspiciously near where the door is located, there is a squawk of alarm and the sound of several objects tumbling to the ground. “Huh!? What!? Who was that, what do you want!?”
  823. “Setou, can you stay and give us a hand with the paperwork?“
  824. A moan of distaste soon follows.
  825. “It would be a big help,” Aoi pleads.
  826. A groan of dislike.
  827. "Please~!" Aoi practically begs.
  828. "Do I have to?"
  829. From the front of the room, I hear teacher Miyagi. "Yes, Setou, you do."
  830.  
  831. A heavy sigh. "Yeah, sure, fine. Not like I had anything planned to do anyway...."
  832.  
  833. Several desks are bumped into before a chair is pulled out nearby and Setou gets to work.
  834. “Thank for the help, Lilly,” Aoi says. “Talk to you Monday.”
  835. “You're very welcome, Aoi, thank you for covering for me. I'll buy you lunch to pay you back.“
  836. Aoi giggles. “Thanks! Just nothing from the cafeteria, please. I have expensive taste.“
  837. "I don't mind in the least. I owe you."
  838.  
  839. I fold out my cane and begin to leave.
  840. “Thank you for staying behind, Setou,” I call behind me.
  841. “Huh? Oh, yeah, not a big deal, I guess. Happy to help, Satou,” is the reply I get. Kenji is obviously disappointed about being coerced into spending the evening doing paperwork, but he seems reasonably resigned to it.
  842.  
  843. Serves him right, I think to myself with a satisfied smirk. He deserves it for what he said about Hanako and me this morning. Things have a little way of working themselves out for the best, I note with some pleasure.
  844.  
  845. I leave the school and head to the girl's dorms, Hanako meeting me at the front entrance of the main building. She tells me Hisao said he may be a little late at the front gate, but she says she doesn't know why. We go arm in arm to the girl's dormitories and I quickly change in my room. I often take more time getting ready, so Hanako naturally finishes first and waits outside my door. Once I am dressed, I call her into my room and ask if she would assist me with some makeup to make things go a little faster. I want to look my best for Hisao and Hanako is very good at applying makeup.
  846.  
  847. The two of us leave, my arm around hers and we make our way to the front gate of the school. I can hear a few cars pass by, likely staff or teachers leaving after the day of work. When we arrive, I ask Hanako if Hisao is around and she answers that he is not. I was expecting it, but I'm concerned about his absence after what happened at lunch, but my worries are put to rest only a few minutes later when I hear him call out to me and Hanako, joining us outside the school.
  848. “Sorry I'm late, I had to take care of something," he says as he draws near to us.
  849. “Is everything all right, Hisao?”
  850. “Yeah,” he says with a laugh. “I stuck around after class to apologize to Misha and Shizune about what happened at lunch.“
  851. I smile a little, pleased that Hisao was trying to make amends. “How did it turn out?”
  852. “Pretty good, considering everything. I never thought Shizune would speak to me ever again after that. Uhm, well, you know what I mean.“
  853. Hanako giggles. “She kept g-glaring at Hisao all day. She looked r-really angry! Misha looked pretty upset t-too.“
  854. “Yeah,” Hisao says bashfully. “I spoke to them after class and apologized for what I did. They seemed all right, but they did make me promise to help with some council work later. They said it would make my apology more sincere if I had to sweat for it before they accepted. Shizune even seemed a little impressed I stood up to her. I'm just glad she's not the kind of person to take something like that personally or hold a grudge. Well, not against me, that is.“
  855.  
  856. I don't say anything about Shizune's little surprise for me and my class to Hisao. I'm glad the two of them were able to come to terms, and I wouldn't want to spoil that. I know Shizune can be a pain at times, but it seems she, Hisao and Misha have become friends with each other and I would never want that to fall apart because of my actions or presence. I remember how much I enjoyed the time I had with the two of them on the Student Council, how exciting it was to become friends with my cousin even with the difficulties we had communicating or the times we strongly disagreed with each other on policy. Despite all the issues between the two of us individually, dragging Misha into our conflict, and the larger issues between our families, I do miss being close to her at times.
  857.  
  858. “I hope you weren't waiting for me long,” Hisao continues.
  859. “N-no, we j-just got here. Akira hasn't showed up y-yet.“
  860. “I wouldn't be worried, Hanako. Akira is always late for appointments,“ I note sourly.
  861.  
  862. Almost as if on cue, I hear the distant sound of an engine roar from down the road. "In fact, she should be here any minute now."
  863. "Really? I don't see her."
  864.  
  865. A thunder rolls up from the hill and tires squeal, followed by a slight buffeting of air, the smell of exhaust and burning rubber flowing up around me. Hanako flinches slightly at my side and I feel Hisao's arms wrap around my hips to pull me a few inches from the road. I smile, enjoying the feeling of his hands on me more than any concern for Akira's reckless driving.
  866.  
  867. A door clicks open and I hear someone step out, calling in a casual, devil-may-care attitude. “Hey! Sorry I'm late!”
  868. I feel a broad smile cross my face upon hearing my sister's voice. “Akira, hello. I'm glad you could join us.” I only let a slight hint of sarcasm slip into my words.
  869. “Hey, I'm only a few minutes over, that's really good for me. They had some excuse to keep me around the job, but I slipped away and got here with only a little trouble on the road.“
  870. "Trouble?"
  871. "Nothing to worry yourself about."
  872. “He-hello, Akira.“
  873. “Hanako, looking nice, as usual! I've always liked that hat, very sharp!“
  874. Hanako giggles in an embarrassed tone. “Th-thanks. I like your hat too.“
  875. "This old thing? Got it off the rack, wasn't even made for me. Still, it fits well enough."
  876. “Akira, aren't you concerned about driving that fast?“ Hisao asks.
  877. “What do you mean?”
  878. "Well, aren't you afraid you'll get a ticket?"
  879. “A ticket? Hisao, I haven't had a single ticket stick to me in my life. I am an excellent driver. Besides, I've talked my way through traffic court a few times. Now as your responsible chaperone for the evening, I suggest you get in. You guys are wasting time standing there like a group of loiterers.“
  880.  
  881. ----------------------------------------
  882.  
  883. The trip to Akira's little surprise takes longer than I expected. With her driving and Hanako in the front seat, Hisao and I sit in the back together. He sits closer to me than what may be strictly necessary, but I don't mind holding his hand the entire way.
  884.  
  885. The only stops we take are brief pauses that last but a moment before Akira makes the engine roar and the acceleration pushes me back in my seat. A couple times I hear Hanako yelp in surprise and even Hisao tightens his hand in mine when Akira takes a particularly sharp turn. It doesn't seem to bother me in the least as I've driven with my sister so many times, it hardly concerns me anymore.
  886.  
  887. Eventually one stop, with the tiniest squeal of the rubber wheels against the pavement ends with Akira cutting the engine. "All right, everyone out! We're here!"
  888. We emerge from the car, Hisao taking my hand and holding the door open for me. Outside, I hear the sounds of cars some distance away, the wind blowing over a large open area, loud echos of far away noises and even a siren off in the distance. “Akira, where are we?”
  889.  
  890. “It's a surprise. I can tell you we're in the city, so don't be worried. Come on, it's this way! You guys are going to love this.“
  891.  
  892. The group of us begin walking, my arm in Hisao's. I lean over to him and whisper in his ear. “Where are we Hisao? Akira always hides things from me until the very last moment.“
  893.  
  894. Hisao replies in his own whisper. “We're in the city in a big parking lot, but we're the only car here. There's a building in front of us, but I don't see any signs or anything like that. It doesn't even have any windows.“
  895.  
  896. “Hey!” Akira shouts back at us. “No whispering, Hisao! It's supposed to be a surprise.“
  897. “Sorry, Akira, but I don't even know where we are.”
  898. “Let's keep it that way! It's just a little ahead, so don't ruin it. I should hope a young gentleman such as yourself wouldn't be familiar with a place like this.“
  899.  
  900. Oh, no, I think. What could she possibly be planning? “Akira, I hope you aren't planning anything I would disapprove of.“
  901. “'Disapprove'? Me? You know me better than that.“
  902. I sigh in long suffering. Akira has always been purposefully rebellious, a trait that I can't wholly approve of and the source of her difficulties with Father. The two of them would go on and on arguing about her actions and his expectations until Mother would intervene. Mother was the only one father ever relented to. Akira may have inherited Mother's free spirit, but she has all of Father's stubbornness as well, a dangerous combination.
  903.  
  904. Whatever this place is, we enter through a door, then a short hallway, and then another door into a large room which must have a very tall ceiling from the echoes I can hear. The ambient sound and temperature suggest metal or concrete and not walls of wood or plaster. I can smell smoke and the strong scent of alcohol as well. “Akira, you haven't brought us to a bar, have you?”
  905. “Is that what this is? I guess it depends on what you mean by 'bar'.”
  906. “Are we even allowed to be in here?” Hisao asks.
  907. “It's fine,” Akira assures us, yet I still find myself concerned despite her carefree attitude. “I know the owner, I come here after work every now and then and he owes me. He's cool with it. Besides, this place is absolutely dead in the afternoon, no one comes here. It's my little secret hang out when I just want to unwind. Besides, that isn't the surprise. I thought we could try something a little different than usual and it's about time we brought Hisao into the tradition."
  908.  
  909. We walk a short distance before I hear chairs being pulled out. Hisao pulls one out for me and I sit, thanking him as he pushes me in and sits down near me.
  910. “Wh-what's the surprise?” Hanako asks.
  911. Akira giggles conspiratorially. “You'll like this, Hanako. This is one of the few bars around here that has western karaoke. You enjoyed it so much last time, I thought we could give it a try.“
  912. “What does that mean?” Hisao asks.
  913. “In the west, they don't use karaoke booths. They just have the machine right in the bar and you can sing where everyone can listen. It's like having a concert all to yourself!“
  914.  
  915. I find it hard not to be amused by Akira's enthusiasm. Hanako seems hesitant, though.
  916. “Sing? L-like in front of p-people? Where everyone c-can w-watch?
  917. A chair is dragged against the floor closer to Hanako. “Hey, don't worry about it. Like I said, no one comes here this time of day. You've sang before with Lilly and me plenty of times, it'll just be us having some fun like always. If you don't want to, then you'll just have to beat me at a game of darts to make it up to me.“
  918.  
  919. There's a slight hesitation, but Hanako must agree in some way because Akira pushes away from the table and laughs. “That's the spirit! Now, I'll go talk to the owner and get something for us to drink.“
  920. “Akira....”
  921. “Yes, yes, I know. I'll get you guys some soda.“
  922. Akira leaves the three of us at the table, whistling as she goes.
  923.  
  924. “So,” I ask, “how does this place look?”
  925. “Well,” Hisao replies, “it looks like it wasn't built to be a bar at all. It looks like it was a small warehouse or something. There's some big metal beams above us and a lot of tables in the center of the floor. We're near the left next to a little stage with a television on it. I think that's the karaoke machine Akira mentioned. The walls are concrete and there's a lot of posters covering them, but they're all in English. No windows and I don't even see a clock anywhere. Overall, it's a little dumpy, to be honest.“
  926.  
  927. “It l-looks pretty cool, I th-think.” Hanako says. “I like th-the stage.”
  928. “Do you want to sing, Hanako?” I ask.
  929. There's a long pause on her part before she answers. When she responds, she says it with a very firm tone. “Yes. Y-yes, I would.”
  930. I can't help but smile at her response.
  931. “That's great!” Hisao says. “I'll finally get the chance to hear you sing, Hanako. Lilly told me you had a great voice.“
  932. She must be a little stunned by the compliment, because she thanks Hisao in a very meek whisper.
  933.  
  934. I hear whistling approach and Akira rejoins us, sounding as if she throws herself into her chair. The sound of several glasses being placed on the table follows soon after. “All right! Now we're set. Hisao, try this.”
  935. “What is it?“
  936. “Never ask a lady that question when she brings you a drink, Hisao. You'll never like the answer.“
  937.  
  938. ----------------------------------------
  939.  
  940. I'm not sure how much time we spend around the table, but it is enough that Akira comes and goes several times, bringing more drinks for us with each trip. At first it was just soda while she said she was drinking a beer, but soon enough she starts bringing back harder drinks for herself and even makes a suggestion that we should have a bottle of wine or two brought to the table. I at first refuse, but she keeps insisting that the owner is a friend of hers and that he owes her a few favors, that it would be perfectly fine to do so. I'm reluctant to accept at first; it's one thing to drink with my sister in my dorm with Hisao and Hanako in private, but doing so in a public place seems daring enough to be foolish. Akira seems to take a perverse delight in breaking rules and even taking a part in the corruption of others, especially me. Eventually though, while Hisao and Hanako play a game of darts on the other side of the room, she tells me it would be a good way to get Hanako to open up a little and sing for us. Her argument is somewhat convincing and I wouldn't mind a little drink myself to be perfectly honest.
  941.  
  942. By the time Hisao and Hanako come back from their game, Hanako sounding very proud that she remains undefeated, there is a glass of wine waiting for each of us. Hisao is hesitant just as I was, but a little convincing on Akira's part is all it takes for him to start enjoying himself. Hanako needs no such convincing and soon the three of us are laughing and chatting with each other freely.
  943.  
  944. "All right," Akira says loudly as she stands from the table, "let's see how this thing works."
  945. She steps away from the our group and towards where I presume the stage is located. A loud, static filled pop fills the room as she must handle the microphone roughly.
  946. "Hello?" she says. "Is this thing on?"
  947. "Hold down the button!" I hear someone off to the side shout out, probably the bartender.
  948. "Like this? Oh, okay, that sounds better."
  949.  
  950. Akira takes some time going through the selection of songs before she settles on one she must like. Soon enough the music starts to play and she starts by snapping her fingers to the beat before she begins to sing. Akira has always had a very pleasing voice when it comes to music. Taking singing lessons was one of the few acts of obedience she willingly undertook at Mother and Father's request. She seems to take more pleasure from the act of singing the lyrics rather than getting them perfectly right, though. I hear her moving back and forth on stage, presumably dancing and swaying to the music, taking several moment to draw out one particularly long line or to even, as Hisao tells me, to spring from the stage in unessecery and elaborate exuberance.
  951.  
  952. I'm not sure the exact song she's singing as I've never heard it before, but she sings with such intensity and zeal that it's hard not to get excited and applaud when her outstanding performance is over. Chairs are pushed out and I join Hisao and Hanako in a standing ovation, Hisao loudly calling for an encore.
  953.  
  954. "Thanks, that was fun." Akira says returning to the table, "I like this, gives a lot more room to move than one of those stuffy booths." She sits down with us and takes a drink from the sound of the long and satisfied sigh that follows. "So, who's next? Hisao? Hanako? Lilly, you should try! Come on, it's fun! I'm sure they have something you can sing from memory!"
  955.  
  956. I smile and shake my head. "Even if they had any songs I know, which I doubt, I don't think I'm up for something like that. I certainly wouldn't want to follow your performance."
  957. "Aw, you're no fun," Akira whines.
  958. "Sorry, Akira," I say with a smile and a laugh.
  959. "Hey, Hanako, would you like to try?" Hisao asks.
  960.  
  961. We're all silent a moment for her to answer, but soon enough I hear Hanako giggle a little bit, her laugh a little spurred on by the amount of wine she's had. "O-okay! It-it does look like fun."
  962.  
  963. "That's the spirit!" Akira says encouragingly. "Here, I'll help you pick a song out."
  964.  
  965. They both stand and leave the table. I overhear the two of them talking about what song she should sing, but Akira makes mention that many of them are fairly old and Hanako doesn't seem to be very comfortable trying them out for the first time. Eventually she finds one she recognizes and eagerly chooses it, Akira rejoining us at the table.
  966.  
  967. The music begins and plays for a few breaths and I overhear Hanako breathing shakily into the microphone. There's a few moments of hesitation where the song plays but no words come out, only a low murmur which builds into a hesitant stammer mixed with a few long, embarrassed pauses.
  968. A worry starts to build in my chest and I'm concerned maybe this might be too much for Hanako to take so quickly.
  969. "Hisao," I whisper, "is she all right?"
  970. "Yeah, she's fine," Hisao replies. I hear him stand in his chair. "Come on, Hanako!"
  971. "I want to hear you sing!" Akira shouts. "You're a star!"
  972. I smile and shout out as well. "You can do it, Hanako!" I call out, clapping my hands.
  973.  
  974. The song continues without any words, but then, very softly and barely heard, I begin to hear Hanako stutter out the first few verses. She's hesitant, and has trouble keeping up with the tempo of the song, but as it goes on, she begins to catch up, starting to match the song's upbeat and rapid pulse. As she does, her voice becomes stronger and louder, her tone becoming more sure and her voice begins to match music in the background and then overpower it. By the time she reaches the second chorus, Hanako is following right along with the intended score, her voice lovely and strong, perfectly suited for performance. What was once a weak and tiny whisper is now a level and pitch perfect voice, a strong voice that just keeps building and building in intensity. Before long, Hanako's music fills the room and she begins to throw off the constraints of the verses, singing freely and clearly without concern and with her whole self thrown into the experience.
  975.  
  976. In the midst of this, Hisao leans close to me and whispers in my ear. "You weren't kidding, Lilly. Hanako has a great voice!"
  977. "I told you she did," I whisper back.
  978. "You know what else," he says with a little sly tone.
  979. "What?"
  980. He laughs. "She isn't stuttering as much anymore."
  981. I feel out and squeeze his hand gently. "I know."
  982.  
  983. Hanako continues to sing and by the time the song ends, her voice echoes in the large room long after the music fades. None of us need a cue as we all stand and applaud loudly, Akira whistling shrilly in celebration.
  984.  
  985. Somewhere in the room I hear a far off clapping, which I can only assume is the owner or perhaps the bartender Akira has been getting her drinks from. I realize that not only did Hanako sing in front of us, but for someone she doesn't even know!
  986. The thought of it makes me almost want to start crying and I feel ashamed for ever doubting her.
  987.  
  988. Over the microphone, I can hear Hanako stammer a little before she thanks us in a quite and very bashful voice.
  989.  
  990. "Encore!" Akira yells once again. "One more time!"
  991.  
  992. "O-okay! If you really want me to...." Hanako says, her voice amplified by the microphone.
  993.  
  994. A few moments later and Hanako has chose a new song to sing. This time there is no hesitation at the start or the uncertain stammering from before. This time she immediately launches into the performance of the up-beat song, bubbly, something you can dance to. She must try herself because Hisao and Akira laugh in approval. If Hanako can dance half as well as she can sing, it must be a wonderful thing to witness.
  995.  
  996. I feel slightly upset that I can't share that with her.
  997.  
  998. "How is she doing, Hisao?" I ask.
  999. "Great, Lilly! I've never seen her like this!"
  1000. He stops with a groan and takes my hand in his. "I... I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."
  1001.  
  1002. I pat his hand softly. "Don't be silly. I'm just glad I'm here."
  1003. He kisses me on the cheek in way of unnecessary apology.
  1004.  
  1005. Hanako continues to sing out lyrics to our delight as the song picks up tempo when I hear a sound barely noticeable below the music and her singing. I start hearing voices coming from somewhere near where the door was located.
  1006. Hanako sings for a few moments but begins to slow down.
  1007. "Hisao, what is that noise?"
  1008.  
  1009. Hisao doesn't answer at first, but from the sound, he must twist in his chair to look behind him. "A little crowd of people just walked in. It looks like they're a party."
  1010. Oh, dear.
  1011. Hanako's words begin to falter and soon she's stuttering once more, trying to get through the words, the effort painful to listen to. All the while the voices keep getting louder as the new bar patrons, oblivious to what is happening, take their seats somewhere nearby.
  1012.  
  1013. "I thought you said no one would be here, Akira."
  1014. "I'm sorry, Lilly, but we've been here a couple hours. They don't have any windows here and I lost track of time. I wasn't expecting it to get this busy so quickly, though."
  1015.  
  1016. Chairs are being pulled out and people are beginning to talk in low, conversational tones. Still, Hanako keeps trying to continue, but soon I begin to hear her stammering turn into whimpering. My heart begins to beat loudly in my chest.
  1017.  
  1018. "Hisao, Hisao, go get her. Take her off stage, please. Bring her back." I take him by the sleeve and gently shake him into action.
  1019. Hisao doesn't answer at first, but when he does I can hear him smiling. "I have a better idea."
  1020. "What are you going to do?"
  1021. "You'll find out."
  1022.  
  1023. Hisao leaves his chair and walks away from the table. A few painful moments pass as Hanako tries to continue singing, but I hear a sudden bark of laughter coming from one of the people which is soon joined by others.
  1024. My pounding heart races even faster and I feel a horrid feeling of anger begin to grow in my chest.
  1025. They... they wouldn't laugh at Hanako, would they?
  1026.  
  1027. My fears are relieved when I hear Akira next to me begin to laugh as well.
  1028. "Akira? What is it, what is happening?"
  1029. Akira makes a low, mortified groan and from the way her voice sounds, she must be hanging her head. "It's Hisao."
  1030. "What? What is he doing?"
  1031. "It's awful, I don't want to say."
  1032. "Why?"
  1033. "He's dancing and it's embarrassing," she says with the tone of someone who does not want to be seen in public.
  1034.  
  1035. I'm confused for a few moments before I begin to hear the other patrons egging Hisao on.
  1036.  
  1037. I'm not sure exactly what the point of this is until I begin to hear Hanako sing once more and her voice becomes stronger.
  1038. "Akira, what is it? What's going on?"
  1039. "It's your boyfriend, Lilly. He's making a complete idiot of himself."
  1040. "Why?"
  1041. Akira chuckles. "No one is looking at Hanako anymore, that's for sure."
  1042.  
  1043. As if to prove Akira's point, Hanako begins singing once more, perhaps not as assuredly as before, but without the panicked stuttering she was trapped in just a few minutes prior.
  1044.  
  1045. "Excuse me, Lilly, I'll be right back," Akira says, patting my shoulder. "I need to bail the kid out."
  1046. Akira gets up from the table and a few moments later I hear more exuberant encouragement and even a catcall and whistle come from the other patrons for the two of them to continue on.
  1047.  
  1048. I can't help but giggle, thinking of the two of them making total fools of themselves for Hanako's benefit as she continues to sing, the music filling the room. By the sound of their movements, Hisao and Akira must be dancing arm in arm or very close together. Soon I hear clapping along with the beat and from the sounds of more feet, I imagine others have begun to dance as well.
  1049.  
  1050. My heart melts in my chest not being able to join them.
  1051.  
  1052. The song comes to an end with outrageous applause and congratulations. I'm joined at the table by the laughter of Akira and Hanako, the latter of whom is bursting with excitement.
  1053. "D-d-did you hear, Lilly! Did you hear? Th-they l-l-liked it! They liked my s-singing!"
  1054. I wrap her in a tight hug, tears of joy trying to break free from my eyes. "I did! Of course they loved it, you were wonderful!"
  1055.  
  1056. I release Hanako and she laughs, getting congratulations from Akira as well.
  1057. "Good job, Hanako! Don't look now, but I think your fans want to meet you. You up for it?"
  1058. She giggles and hesitates only for a little while before making a decision. "O-okay, sure, I guess."
  1059. The two stand and leave the table to go meet the other patrons.
  1060. Next to me, Hisao sits and I hear him panting heavily. "Hisao, are you all right?"
  1061. He takes a deep gulp of air followed by a long, drawn out drink of something, then sighs heavily. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right. Just needed some water."
  1062.  
  1063. He sounds terribly out of breath, but I'm filled with a mixture of admiration and pride for him and his actions. "That... that was... Hisao, that was wonderful of you. Thank you."
  1064. "It looked like Hanako just needed to get some of that attention off of her."
  1065. I fold my hands over each other, feeling embarrassment over the way I would have handled the situation. "I wanted to take her off stage, but you knew she just needed a little help."
  1066. "That's okay, Lilly. I think sometimes Hanako just needs to know there's someone supporting her in the background. She doesn't need us all the time."
  1067. I think about what Hisao says. "Yes," I say sadly. "I guess she doesn't need me to protect her, so long as you're here."
  1068. Hisao pauses. "Lilly, are you all right?"
  1069. I lift my head and smile. "Yes, Hisao, I'm all right."
  1070.  
  1071. I think about what's happened today; Hisao standing up to Shizune, Hanako singing in public for the first time, the two of them supporting each other without my help.
  1072. Perhaps I've been putting too much focus on what will happen to them if I leave. They seem to be doing just fine without my assistance, maybe I've been overestimating the worth of my presence here.
  1073.  
  1074. Maybe once I'm gone they'll be all right if they have one another to rely on.
  1075.  
  1076. If I left, maybe they would....
  1077.  
  1078. "Lilly," Hisao says again, "are you really okay? Is there something bothering you?"
  1079.  
  1080. I hold my hand out and Hisao takes in in his own. "I'm quite all right, Hisao. I'm very proud of what you did for Hanako. Don't be worried about me."
  1081.  
  1082. "Well... okay, if you say so," he says, kissing me on the cheek as he does.
  1083.  
  1084. ----------------------------------------
  1085.  
  1086. Akira and Hanako eventually rejoin us, Hanako sounding a little shaken, but happy over the attention given to her from the other table. By the sound of it, they really enjoyed her singing and were looking forward to hearing more. Akira assured them that the starlet didn't want to risk overexposure, which Hanako thanks Akira for after they return to our table. "Thank you, Akira. I-I really enjoyed s-singing, but I th-think I'm done for the night."
  1087. "That's okay, you did great!"
  1088. "She's right, Hanako, you were wonderful."
  1089. "Well done, Hanako," I say. "I'm very proud of you."
  1090.  
  1091. No sound come from Hanako, but when she replies, it's with a little murmur of happiness. "Th-thank you."
  1092.  
  1093. We go back to talking and pleasing conversation with one another to fill the rest of the evening, but soon enough Akira grows impatient. "All right, Lilly's turned it down, so it's up to you, Hisao. Time to face the music."
  1094. "Oh, I don't think that's a good idea. I think I've made myself look foolish enough already."
  1095. "Come on, don't you want to impress your girlfriend?"
  1096. Hisao stammers a little and I blush slightly. Even so, I don't think I could be more impressed with him today than I already am. Between his argument with Shizune and how he helped Hanako, I'm feeling a little self indulgent pride calling him my boyfriend.
  1097. "Well, I guess I could give it a try...."
  1098. "That's the spirit! But before you do, I'm going to need my hat back."
  1099. "I forgot about it. Sorry about that, Akira."
  1100. "Hisao, how did you get Akira's hat?" I ask.
  1101. "Well, she put it on my head when we were dancing."
  1102. "Yeah, Hisao's an okay dancer, I guess. He just needs to watch those lead feet. Pay attention to that, Lilly, if the two of you ever dance. Don't say I didn't warn you."
  1103. "I would have done fine dancing with Lilly, but you kept taking the lead from me."
  1104. "I try to make myself available as a role model for the younger generation."
  1105. "In how to act like a deliquent?"
  1106. "Ah, now you're just flattering me."
  1107.  
  1108. We all laugh and it makes me feel good to hear how well Hisao and Akira get along.
  1109.  
  1110. "Okay, okay," Hisao finally relents. "I'll give it a try. Just don't blame me if I break something or we get chased out of here."
  1111.  
  1112. Hisao leaves the table and the microphone pops a couple times from him handling it. Somewhere in the room, I hear someone shout in a good natured heckle that he should dance again.
  1113.  
  1114. Hisoa makes an embarrassed sound which is amplified across the room. What follows is him trying to find a song with murmured thoughts and failing before finding one he seems satisfied with.
  1115.  
  1116. A few moments pass and music begins to play. Hisao chuckles a little before he starts to sing. Unlike the songs Akira and Hanako sang, this is one even I have heard before and it makes my heart leap in my chest.
  1117. Hisao sings a song about departing, about leaving the one you love and dreaming about them every moment you are away from them, regretting the times you're separated and of the longing and sadness of being gone and the joy of being reunited, about being so alone without them that you feel as if you were dying without them.
  1118.  
  1119. He has a surprsingly good voice, a deeper tone than I would have thought, but it's the words that paralyze me in my chair, that make me shudder at the end of every verse. It hits me right in the center of my chest. I just listen, trying not to let it get to me and failing to do so. I'm not sure if he realizes it, but he and I may as well be the only people in the room for how the words make me feel.
  1120.  
  1121. I know I'm being silly and he has no idea what he's doing, but the sentimentalk nature of the music starts to touch me in ways I didn't think it would. I think about how Hisao may feel about my departure and my hesitence to tell him, to become the second woman in his life to break his heart. The song may not be his, but they describe my worst nightmare over this horrible, impossible situation I find myself in.
  1122.  
  1123. If I leave, I'm going to miss him so terribly.
  1124. I want my family to love me.
  1125. I don't want to be without him.
  1126. I don't want to hurt anyone.
  1127.  
  1128. The song continues and I feel as if my heart is about be tear itself apart. I clench and unclench my hands and try to keep a straight face, but I can feel my breath beginning to quicken as he keeps singing and my eyes begin to burn.
  1129.  
  1130. "L-lilly?"
  1131. "Yes?"
  1132. "Are you all r-right?"
  1133. "I'm fine, Hanako."
  1134. I turn away from the sound of her voice. "Akira, could you take me to the bathroom, please. Now."
  1135.  
  1136. Akira agrees and takes my arm. We stand from the table, her leading me, but I pushing her to lead me faster.
  1137. Some distance away we move through a very small hall, the walls near on either side and a door opens before me, Akira leading me into a restroom that sounds very tiny, the acrid smell of cleaner in the air and the sounds of my steps clicking against the tile.
  1138.  
  1139. I feel around and find a sink which I lean over, turning it on and splash my face with the ice cold water.
  1140.  
  1141. "Lilly, are you okay?" Akira asks, her voice thick with concern.
  1142. I swallow and breathe until I'm sure my voice is all right. "Yes, I'm fine. I just felt a little sick, that's all."
  1143. "You didn't drink all that much."
  1144. "I said that I'm all right, didn't I?"
  1145. Akira sighs at me. "Lilly, how is it you think you can still lie to me after all these years?"
  1146. I shrug. "I don't know...."
  1147. She hesitates. "It wasn't the song, was it?"
  1148.  
  1149. I nod slowly.
  1150.  
  1151. "Oh, Lilly," Akira says, a sad, pitiful tone which embarrasses me.
  1152.  
  1153. We're both silent a while and I'm thankful for it. I don't know if I would be able to speak at all right now.
  1154.  
  1155. "How are you handling this?" she finally asks.
  1156. "Handling what?"
  1157. "Scotland, you know what I'm talking about. What else would I be asking about?"
  1158. "Oh, yes, of course. I'm managing."
  1159. "It doesn't sound like it."
  1160. "I'll be fine, Akira. I just need some time."
  1161. She grunts. "Lilly, to be honest, we don't have that much time left. Pretty soon you're going to have to make a decision one way or another."
  1162. I turn towards the sound of her voice after turning the water off. "I've already made my decision. I'm going to be with my family."
  1163. Akira dryly laughs. "So are you going to stay in Japan?"
  1164. "Of course not. I'm going to Scotland to be with you and our parents."
  1165. "Don't bother going on their account," she spouts.
  1166. "Akira, please, I don't want to have this discussion with you again."
  1167. My sister takes a few steps towards me and takes my hands gently in hers. "Lilly, you don't have to go. You know that, right? You can stay here if you want."
  1168. I shake my head. "I can't."
  1169. "Yes, you can. It's your life! I know I'll miss you, but you have so much here. I don't want to see you give all of that up for something stupid."
  1170. "It's not stupid. My family-"
  1171. "Screw the family!" she shouts and I flinch from the sound of her anger. "What family? Is this about what you want or what Father wants? To hell with him! He's the one who left, not us. He's the one who's been gone all these years. Now he can afford to have us around so we're just expected to come running when he calls us?"
  1172. I try not to sob. "Akira, please! I don't like it when you say these things about Father!"
  1173.  
  1174. She groans in disgust and I don't like hearing that from her either. "I know you have this idea of the kind of person he is, Lilly, but that isn't the real him, all right? You think everything will go back to what it was when you were little, like when we visited them, but it won't. He wants us around now, but when the novelty wears off, everything will just go back to the way things were before he left."
  1175. "I don't believe that."
  1176. "Why can't you just let yourself be angry at him?"
  1177. "Because I am not angry at him. I understand the choice Father and Mother made."
  1178. "It wasn't Mother's choice, he just brow beat her until she agreed to move back to Scotland. You know she was against leaving you behind, don't you remember?"
  1179.  
  1180. I think back to when I was young, somewhat remembering how Mother and Father started arguing more often, talking about strange names and places I didn't understand or know at the time; Inverness, Yamaku, Scotland. I thought we were going on a trip together but Mother was upset for some reason.
  1181. She cried a lot back then.
  1182.  
  1183. "What about you?" I say changing the subject. "You're going, are you not? I don't want to be without you."
  1184. "Of course I am, but if you think it's because of him, you're wrong. I'm not doing this for him at all. This is for my career, it's a good move up for me. I have more reason to leave than you do, but don't do it to make him happy because he'll never be happy no matter what you choose. Trust me, I know."
  1185. "Then what about Mother?"
  1186. Akira pats me consolingly on the shoulder. "I know, I know. She was thrilled when we came to visit and I know she's missed us a lot. I know we both miss her too, but she would understand if you didn't come to Scotland, she wouldn't blame you for wanting to stay. You know mom, she's a romantic at heart. You and I both know she would be proud of you no matter what."
  1187. I shake my head hard. "No, I can't, I already accepted."
  1188. Akira makes a testy sound. "That's your biggest problem, Lilly. You're so scared to disappoint someone, to let them down. You think too much about what other people think of you!"
  1189.  
  1190. "I'm in this situation because I didn't think enough!" I explode at her. "I'm not like you, Akira! I just can't do things, be impuslive like you, just do... things! Whenever I do it hurts the people I love! I'm not you! I just can't do what I want, I can't!" I keep shouting at her, more angry at her for no reason than I can remember ever being before. "I didn't think before accepting the summons, I didn't think enough before agreeing and I didn't think when I told Hisao I loved him! I never should have told him how I was feeling!"
  1191.  
  1192. I sob hard and cover my face, turning from her and again leaning over the sink to hide my crying. "I shouldn't have told him...."
  1193.  
  1194. I sense Akira standing behind me before she puts a hand on my shoulder and rubs my back gently. I put my own hand over hers and tightly grip her fingers for support.
  1195.  
  1196. It takes me a while to speak as I silently try to stop my crying."I just don't know what to do. Please, Akira, just tell me what to do. How do I tell him?"
  1197. "I'm sorry, Lilly. No one can make that choice but you. You want to be a good daughter for Father, I know. I don't blame you. It was what I wanted to be once. I learned the hard way that will never happen, Lilly. You have a great thing going here and you shouldn't leave it for any reason other than what you want. You've got Hanako and Hisao here and both of them love you very much."
  1198.  
  1199. I sigh and wipe my cheeks of tears. "They'll be all right. They have each other, they don't need me."
  1200. "That's not true and you know it. Hanako may be a lot more outgoing than when I first met her, but it's only because she had you to support her. And you've got something special going on with Hisao. He's a fantastic guy! Bit of a moron, but he's sweet. I know you've never dated before, but usually the guys you attracted were losers, but Hisao... I'm honestly starting to like the kid."
  1201. "He'll be all right," I tell Akira again. "He's strong. He'll be okay without me."
  1202. "Are you really sure about that? What did he say when you told him?"
  1203.  
  1204. I cringe in guilt.
  1205.  
  1206. "Lilly, you talked to Hisao about Scotland," she says, a statement, not a question.
  1207.  
  1208. I hesitate before shaking my head slowly.
  1209.  
  1210. Akira is silent, stunned, I'm sure. "You haven't told him? Lilly, what have you been doing this whole time?"
  1211. "I know, I know! I've been... trying to find the words to tell him."
  1212. "But at Hokkaido, you said you confessed to him there."
  1213. "Yes, I did."
  1214. "But... you knew about the summons."
  1215. I hide my face in shame. "Yes, I know!"
  1216. "Why didn't you say something then? Let him know what he was getting into?"
  1217. "What if he had refused me? What if he had turned down my confession because of that? Akira, I would have been devastated, I didn't want to lose him! I didn't know what I was going to do and I was so afraid of losing Hisao. I didn't know what I was feeling, I was so upset about what almost happend to him, I just said those things without thinking!"
  1218. "Well, you've had plenty of time to tell him now and you're almost out of it. What were you going to do, call him on the plane?"
  1219. "Akira, please!"
  1220. "No, Lilly! That isn't fair! Not to him, not to Hanako and not to yourself! He has a right to know what's happening, to know what he's gotten himself into."
  1221.  
  1222. "Hisao... Hisao's fine! This is just... we're just dating, that's all. He'll be okay when it ends, he will."
  1223. "It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that's true when you really don't believe it. What about you? How will you be if you leave him for Scotland?"
  1224.  
  1225. "I'll move on. I'll have to."
  1226.  
  1227. Akira groans in frustration. "I said you never dated before, Lilly. You aren't the kind of girl who just has a fling and leaves it at that. Once you decide to do something, you throw your whole heart into it, so don't tell me what you and Hisao have doesn't mean something to you."
  1228.  
  1229. "Of course it means something to me, but I can't stay here after you're gone. School will be over soon, then what will I do?"
  1230. "Who cares? There you go, thinking too much again! If it comes down to it, you can stick with Hisao, hell, maybe even Hanako! The three of you could get by! I would help, I'd send money if you needed it."
  1231.  
  1232. "No, absolutely not. I couldn't, I couldn't... impose on you and Hisao that way."
  1233. "Impose away! I'd be happy to help! Why don't you ask Hisao what he plans on doing after school, talk about the two of you staying together?"
  1234. "I...couldn't...."
  1235. "Too afraid to take a risk? Or do you just not trust him?"
  1236. I turn towards Akira's voice, a little anger in my own. "And what have you told your boyfriend, Akira?"
  1237.  
  1238. She stammers a bit, caught off guard by my accusation. "Well, I'm planning on it. I've set up a special date."
  1239. "So you don't really have a reason to criticize me, do you?"
  1240. "Now that's not fair, don't make this about me, Lilly. The boytoy and I have been dating a long time, it's different with you and Hisao. The two of you have just been together a few months and you knew you might be leaving before you started dating."
  1241.  
  1242. "There. That's it then; we've 'just' been dating. How can I turn my back on my family, who I've missed for so long, for a boy, no matter how much I love him, that I've only known just a few months?"
  1243.  
  1244. "Lilly...."
  1245.  
  1246. "What would happen if we didn't stay together?" Even saying it makes my throat catch and I have to take a minute before speaking again. "What would happen then? Admit it, Akira; I don't like saying this, but would Father really offer to take me in again after I turned my back on him and the family?"
  1247.  
  1248. Akira doesn't respond and her silence is more telling than any answer.
  1249.  
  1250. "There. So we both know the truth about him."
  1251.  
  1252. It hurts me so much to admit it, but it's true.
  1253.  
  1254. Akira is silent for a long time before speaking in a sad and defeated tone. "All right. Okay, Lilly. You win. You seem to think you know what you're doing, so you go ahead and take care of it your own way. I'm warning you though; once you make this choice, it will determine the whole rest of your life. You let Father tell you what to do now and you'll never be able to go against him ever again, trust me." She puts a hand on my shoulder. "I know you won't be happy about this, but you know the deadline we have here. If you don't tell Hisao yourself, I'll do it for you. He deserves that."
  1255.  
  1256. The thought of her taking that away from me terrifies me to my core. "No! No, don't do that," I cry holding her tightly, "don't do that to me, Akira! Please!"
  1257.  
  1258. Akira hugs me and holds me against her. "All right, all right, calm down. I'm sorry. I'm only trying to do what I think is best for you. You may have taken care of me all these years, but I'm supposed to be the older sister here, I'm the one who has to make the hard choices, to do the things that are too tough for you. Hisao deserves better than this, Lilly, and you know it. He deserves the chance to make his own decision and tell you what he feels."
  1259.  
  1260. I nod, burying my face against the soft cloth of her suit. "I know. I'll try, I promise."
  1261.  
  1262. We hold each other for a little while longer before separating. I face away from her and wipe my eyes carefully, then turn back towards her, putting on my practiced smile and composing myself. "How do I look? My makeup isn't running, is it?"
  1263.  
  1264. Akira laughs with just a little scorn and kisses me on the cheek. "No, you look perfect, as usual. Come on, I'm sure Hanako and Hisao are worried about you."
  1265.  
  1266. Arm in arm, Akira and I return to the main room where a new song, a slow-dancing one is thankfully playing in the background. We reach the table and sit, Hanako and Hisao waiting for us with questions. "Are you all right, Lilly? You left right in the middle of the song...." Hisao asks, his voice filled with concern.
  1267.  
  1268. "I'm all right," I reply. "Just a small headache. I think I drank a little too fast."
  1269. He gives a satisfied sound, then pauses in thought for a moment. "Hey, Akira," he says, "can I borrow Lilly for a second?"
  1270. "Sure, just bring her back in the same condition I lent her to you."
  1271.  
  1272. Hisao takes my hand and leads me away from the table. "Where are we going?"
  1273. He laughs and takes both of my hands into his. "I asked the bartender to play something special for us. I saw how you looked when Akira left to dance with me. It's only fair you get the chance as well. We're the ones who are dating, right?"
  1274.  
  1275. I realize Hisao has taken me into a larger, open area and he is holding my hands to dance.
  1276. "Hisao, you've done enough tonight...."
  1277. "I think my heart is all right for a little slow dancing."
  1278. "I'll warn you, I'm not a very good dancer."
  1279. "That's okay, neither am I. I should be the one leading, anyway."
  1280.  
  1281. He moves, his hands directing me slowly back and forth to the music. I smile when we begin to step in time as I listen intently to the sound of his feet and follow the music. It's a difficult to keep up and several times I step on his toes and he hisses in pain, for which I profusely apologize and he laughs it off as nothing.
  1282.  
  1283. We dance for a little while and it is enjoyable, but my clumsiness starts to get the better of me and I quickly become frustrated. "I'm sorry, Hisao," I apologize in a disappointed tone. "I'm just not meant for this sort of thing. I think dancing is something you and I won't be able to do together. I'm sorry."
  1284.  
  1285. Hisao leans in, his lips against my ears. "You're a beautiful person, Lilly. Never apologize for that."
  1286. My tongue catches in my throat and I don't know what to say.
  1287.  
  1288. I smile, remove my hands from his and wrap them around his back, his touch warm against my skin. I hold tightly to Hisao, my chest and hips pressed against him as much as I can, every inch of me against his body.
  1289. He chuckles a little shyly. "Pretty close, huh?"
  1290. "It's easier to tell when your moving," I say with a smile. "You don't mind, do you?" I pout.
  1291. "No, not at all. I kind of like it."
  1292. I smile and kiss Hisao on the lips, taking my time to find them. "Good. So do I."
  1293. Hisao and I dance pressed tightly against one another, my body following his movements, the music and his presence the only things concerning me at the moment. Not airplanes, not Scotland, not even Father, just Hisao and the music.
  1294.  
  1295. Eventually it ends and we are left standing on the floor, our arms wrapped around each other.
  1296. "Lilly," Hisao says, "the music's over."
  1297. I hesitate. "I know. I just... can we stay like this for a little while longer?"
  1298. Hisao's arms tighten around me. "Of course, Lilly. For as long as you want."
  1299. Hisao is lying to me and he doesn't even realize it. I press my face into his soft shoulder so he won't see me cry.
  1300. "Thank you."
  1301.  
  1302. ----------------------------------------
  1303.  
  1304. Akira drops Hisao, Hanako and myself off at Yamaku's front gate before bidding us goodbye. I'm disappointed she has to leave so quickly and I ask if she'd like to join us in my room for some tea despite the lateness of the hour.
  1305.  
  1306. "Sorry, Lilly. I got work in the morning. I probably shouldn't have stayed out this late anyway. I'll keep in touch, okay? We'll talk later."
  1307.  
  1308. "All right. I'll speak to you later, then. I love you."
  1309.  
  1310. "Love ya' too, Sis. See ya!"
  1311.  
  1312. Akira puts a hand on my shoulder and kisses my cheek, whispering as she does.
  1313.  
  1314. "Tell him."
  1315.  
  1316. I nod hesitantly, knowing she's right. I just wish I was as strong as she was and knew how do it fairly.
  1317.  
  1318. Hisao and I walk arm in arm through Yamaku's gate, Hanako beside us and make our way towards the girl's dormitories at a leisurly pace, as if none of us really wanted the festivities to end. The night is very cool and it's late enough that no one is out and about, but not late enough that we're concerned about being caught after hours. A few insects buzz through the air and I can hear the humming whine of the lamps flickering on and off as we walk under them.
  1319.  
  1320. Despite a few rocky bumps, overall, I must say that today turned out to be an enjoyable experience. Even with the problems and difficulties ahead, I'm left with a very satisfied feeling, having spent nearly all day with Hisao and Hanako. I don't have much time left with them and I want to make sure that every minute we spend together is as memorable as it can be for all of us.
  1321.  
  1322. "Th-that was a lot of f-fun! We should d-do that again real soon!" Hanako exclaims, catching me slightly by surprise.
  1323. "I'm glad you had such a good time, Hanako. Hisao, did you enjoy yourself as well?"
  1324. "Yeah," Hisao says in agreement. "It was fun. What about you? You seemed to enjoy things after a while. You seemed unsure about Akira taking us to a bar at first."
  1325. "Oh, yes, I enjoyed the evening very much. I'm glad Akira put this whole thing together for us."
  1326. "I was a little unsure of her at first, but she seems pretty cool."
  1327. "Yes," I say, "my sister is quite the individual. She's a good person and I am very fond of her."
  1328. "You and her are really close, huh?"
  1329. "Yes. She's been the only family I've known in a long time. She's always been the one to look out for me."
  1330. "It must have been hard to be away from your parents all these years."
  1331. I swallow a lump in my throat. "Yes, it has been."
  1332.  
  1333. We enter the dorms and find our way to Hanako's room where we part company. We say our farewells, but there is a moment where Hanako hesitates at the door.
  1334.  
  1335. "What's wrong? Is everything all right?" Hisao asks.
  1336.  
  1337. There is a quick step and a small gasp of air from Hisao. I'm a little caught off guard as Hanako must practically throw her arms around him and from the sound of straining, hug him extremely tightly.
  1338.  
  1339. "Th-thank you!" she says in a tight whisper. "Thank you, thank y-you, thank you!"
  1340.  
  1341. Hisao laughs. "You're welcome, Hanako. It wasn't a big deal."
  1342.  
  1343. Hanako steps back and gives me as equally tight a hug which I eagerly return.
  1344.  
  1345. She opens her door, the lock clicking as she does. "It was f-for me. G-goodnight, Lilly. Goodnight, Hisao."
  1346.  
  1347. "Goodnight, Hanako," we say.
  1348.  
  1349. There's a moment of silence, the three of us standing there together before the door shuts. Hisao and I walk away, and I can swear I hear a suppressed giggle come from the other side of Hanako's door.
  1350.  
  1351. We reach my own room and I unlock it with my key, turning towards Hisao afterwards. "I had a wonderful time tonight, Hisao."
  1352. "I had a lot of fun too, Lilly. Thank you for dancing with me."
  1353. "The pleasure was all mine."
  1354.  
  1355. I listen intently for anyone around before I purse my lips and hold my chin out. Hisao gives me a kiss, gentle at first, but I pull him in and wrap my fingers in his hair, holding him in the lock until I'm completely satisfied, never wanting to be without the ability to do this with him whenever I so choose.
  1356.  
  1357. I wish and pray I could have this kiss last forever so tomorrow never comes to interrupt our happy life together. That the next day never destroys the delicate world around me.
  1358.  
  1359. I release Hisao and he makes a few dazed sounds.
  1360.  
  1361. "Goodnight," I whisper as I close the door behind me, leaving him a little taken aback.
  1362.  
  1363. I lean with my shoulder against the door, silent, with my ear against the wood until I hear Hisao walk away a few moments later. I take a long and ragged breath, realizing that another day of my lie of omission has come and gone, dragging out the unknown torment I've been putting him through.
  1364.  
  1365. As I prepare for bed, my thoughts keep running on their own, telling me I know what I should do and that I know what actually I'm doing is wrong. They battle for space, telling me what is right and threatening me with the idea that one little moments of truth could end everything I have with Hisao.
  1366.  
  1367. If I told him, would he stay with me until I left or would he end our relationship? Would he be angry with me that I didn't tell him? Would he understand I was only afraid he would reject me? Could we try to continue being together through long distance?
  1368.  
  1369. I shake my head.
  1370.  
  1371. He and I would both know that would never work. I know nothing about computers and phone calls would only add to the torment of being apart. Hisao would become nothing more than a voice on the end end of the line, so close, but never satisfying. Maybe I could manage pining for him from afar, but I couldn't force Hisao to spend his life wanting someone he couldn't have on the other side of the world.
  1372.  
  1373. I have to be willing to let him go.
  1374.  
  1375. I want every minute I can spend with Hisao and I just can't bring myself to risk that by telling the truth, no matter how much it hurts me to keep this secret from him.
  1376.  
  1377. I change and brush my hair, remembering the feeling of his fingers running through it this morning. I sit on the edge of my bed and take my necklace off, holding it in the palm of my hand, the weight reassuring and heavy. It reminds me of Father and a moment we had when I was in Scotland.
  1378.  
  1379. We had been driving home from the airport, Father, Mother, Akira and myself all in the back of the limousine, the first time we had been together as a family in years. Akira and mother were talking and laughing and I sat next to father, my head resting on his shoulder. He tugged lightly on the cross and seemed surprised I was still wearing it. I hugged him and told him that I never break a promise. He laughed, that purring sound that he makes, the whole car rumbling with his humor and he hugged me back, tight enough to almost hurt.
  1380.  
  1381. I didn't care.
  1382. I was home.
  1383.  
  1384. I do something that I don't often do, perhaps too little in recent years.
  1385. Just like I did with mother when I was very young, I kneel on the side of my bed and I pray. Not a long one, but a very important one. The words this time are silent, but I remember them very well from so many times spoken when I was little.
  1386.  
  1387. I pray for Father and Mother and Akira as I always have.
  1388.  
  1389. Over the last year, I've prayed for Hanako, that she would learn her own strength and she would be able to open up more to the people around her and that she would find peace and happiness.
  1390.  
  1391. Just beginning very recently, I pray for Hisao, that he would be safe and I pray for how grateful I am that he's in my life, how happy I am that I met him.
  1392.  
  1393. This time though, I do something I have never done before. I pray for myself, asking for the strength to do what I know I have to, to be fair to the people I love, all of them.
  1394.  
  1395. I end my prayer and climb into bed, wrapping the sheets around me, sighing deeply as I sink into the pillow. It takes me some time, but eventually the thoughts in my head begin to slow down, the what-ifs beginning to die away. Eventually the ticking seconds begin to slip into one another and my breathing begins to slow. Sleep begins to overtake me as my body relaxes....
  1396.  
  1397. A hesitant knocking jars me awake. At first I think I simply heard things, but then it happens again.
  1398.  
  1399. I climb out of bed and walk to my door.
  1400.  
  1401. "Who is it?" I whisper.
  1402.  
  1403. "It's me, Hisao."
  1404.  
  1405. Something half way between a thrill and a shudder runs up my back as I open the door a crack and cling to it. "Hisao, what's wrong? Did you forget something?"
  1406.  
  1407. Hisao hesitates before answering. "Yeah, I did. Can I come in?"
  1408.  
  1409. "Of course," I say, making way for him in the doorway.
  1410.  
  1411. He enters and I shut the door. Hisao takes me by the hand and we sit on the edge of my bed.
  1412.  
  1413. "Hisao, what's wrong?" I ask.
  1414.  
  1415. He takes a couple seconds before answering. "Something's been bothering me all day. Remember what I said this afternoon? After I had the argument with Shizune? You asked me if everything was all right and I said it was."
  1416. "Yes."
  1417. "Well, that was a lie. Everything wasn't okay."
  1418. I begin to feel a little sick to my stomach. "What... what's wrong?"
  1419. Hisao sighs and wraps his arms around me, surprising me a little. "I just," he starts, "I just want you to know how thankful I am for you."
  1420.  
  1421. My cheeks turn red and my eyes start to burn.
  1422.  
  1423. "I was in a bad place when I first came to Yamaku and you really helped me move on. I was a wreck and you gave me the chance to stop and collect myself, to get my head on straight. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't been there for me. I was really confused when we started hanging out together, confused about what I was feeling. When we were in Hokaido, I couldn't believe how lucky I was that a girl like you could actually have feelings for a guy like me. When I overheard Shizune at lunch, I lost my temper because she was threatening what we have. I just... I don't want anything to come between you and me, you know? I couldn't stand it."
  1424.  
  1425. I lay there in Hisao's arm, not knowing what to do.
  1426.  
  1427. Now's your chance, a little voice tells me, you wanted strength, well, here's your opportunity to use it.
  1428.  
  1429. Hisao, I love you very much. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything ever before! I'm so sorry for this, but I haven't been completely honest with you.
  1430.  
  1431. While I was in Scotland, my parents asked me to move there with them permanently. I was so excited, I accepted. When I came back and we were at Hokaido, I realized just how important you are to me and how much it would hurt me if I couldn't be with you every day, how much I would miss you and Hanako and the life I have here! I'm scared and I don't know what to do!
  1432.  
  1433. I don't want to disappoint my family. I've missed them so much and I just want to be with them, but I love you and this life we have together and I want to know where you and I go from here! I want to stay, but even more, I want you to want me to stay.
  1434.  
  1435. Please Hisao, please! Just tell me you want me to stay and I will. Tell me that this isn't just a fling between us, tell me how much I mean to you. Tell me you'll never leave me and I'll stay and never leave you, that's all I need, please! You say it and I'll stay, please! Anything!
  1436. Just beg me to stay!
  1437.  
  1438. Hisao laughs. "I just had to get that off my mind. I felt bad about it all day and I needed to let you know what I felt, what I was going through."
  1439.  
  1440. I bury my head into Hisao's chest and grit my teeth, trying not to make any sounds.
  1441.  
  1442. "Lilly, are you all right?"
  1443.  
  1444. I nod, my face in his shirt. "Yes, Hisao. I'm all right."
  1445.  
  1446. My heart sinks in my chest.
  1447.  
  1448. I'm so weak....
  1449.  
  1450. I lie there in Hisao's arm, one of his hands stroking my hair, the other possessively on the small of my back. I sink into the embrace, addicted to the touch. I want every second I have with him to be memorable, perfect.
  1451.  
  1452. I can't do it. I can't bring myself to ruin what we have.
  1453. He'd leave me, I know he would!
  1454. My parents abandoned me. If Hisao abandoned me, I wouldn't survive it. I'd die if someone left me again.
  1455.  
  1456. I'm so sorry, Hisao.
  1457.  
  1458. I lift my head and gently bump into his chin. He laughs and kisses me and holds me a little longer before he speaks.
  1459.  
  1460. "Well, I should get to my room then, it is getting late."
  1461.  
  1462. I feel a little prickle in my chest at his words. I don't want him to go. I don't want to be alone again. "You don't have to... rush off, you know."
  1463.  
  1464. There's a moment of silence before he chuckles, his chest rumbling against my cheek. "Didn't we almost get in trouble for this exact sort of thing?"
  1465.  
  1466. I lift myself off his chest and put both of my hands on either side of his face. "I don't care."
  1467.  
  1468. I kiss him without restraint, I force myself on him and push him back onto my bed. He gasps in surprise as I shimmy atop him.
  1469.  
  1470. I don't have much time, so I have to make every second worthwhile.
  1471.  
  1472. I climb on top of Hisao and straddle him, my fingers working the first few buttons of my pajamas. I'm pleased he takes his cue, because soon enough he rips the buttons for me, my nightshirt hanging open, the cold air tickling my chest.
  1473.  
  1474. Hisao takes a few moments and I can feel his eyes roaming my body before he grabs my shoulders, flips me onto the bed and buries his face into my neck.
  1475.  
  1476. I can't ruin a perfect moment like this, I tell myself.
  1477.  
  1478. I'll find a way tomorrow to tell him.
  1479.  
  1480. That's what I'll do, I think as I gasp for air beneath him.
  1481.  
  1482. Tomorrow....
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