Roommates, Rivals, Romance (ch4)

EARLY RELEASE FOR MY $20+ PATRONS!!

Thank you to everyone reading and supporting this little AU! We're halfway in and getting to the climax soon!

Disclaimer: I do not own Shoujo Kageki Revue Starlight.

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														Chapter 4. Secret


The following morning turns out to be the most difficult one for Maya since she had started in this career. And it isn't because of any work she has to do or event she has to attend.

No - it's all to do with Claudine.

Maya wakes up to the sounds of Claudine's alarm going off, and typically whenever that happened, she would get up and start the day with her, or shortly after her, even if they did walk to work separately.

But this time, Maya stays put in bed, quietly clutching the blankets as she prevents herself from succumbing to the urge of turning over to face her roommate. She just listens as Claudine gets up from the mattress, gathers her things, and exits the bedroom.

Maya waits until she's alone. There's a churning feeling in her stomach, and it makes her feel like she's going to be nauseous. She's never felt this before, and even though Claudine hadn't spoken to her about it, she knows her partner must be feeling the same discomfort, if not worse.

Truth be told, Maya had always liked her, ever since their first meeting back in high school. Not only was Claudine smart and dedicated, but she was of course beautiful and had a unique personality that drew Maya in and didn't let go. She was amusing and cute, fiery and fierce, and everything in between. Her passion was unparalleled - her love for the stage and her audience, her unwavering determination to achieve her goal of standing center.

And in living with her, Maya had gotten to learn things about her that no one else in the entire world knew, like how she liked her eggs prepared, or how she arranged her things in the bathroom, or her favorite way to sit on the couch or lie in bed.

Maya had liked her from the start, and had been falling silently more and more in love with her every day since. There's no doubt about that.

However, only the events of the recent days had actually made Maya understand her feelings.

And she knew they could never be reciprocated - not in this line of work where romance was so intensely frowned-upon.

But she hadn't considered the possibility that Claudine actually might like her back. And judging by her reactions to all of this, and especially yesterday's photoshoot, Maya has reason to believe that may be the case.

She doesn't know if Claudine is aware of Maya's feelings for certain or not, but there's definitely something there that they both would benefit from if they could communicate it properly.

Or would it only hurt them?

They all knew that being in an actual relationship in this industry would make their fans feel betrayed. If the fans weren't happy, their popularity and funds would plummet, and that could potentially jeopardize not only their own career and each other's, but the careers of every Starlight Girl and staff member.

Maya knows Claudine would never be so selfish as to choose her own happiness over everyone else's, so she'd stayed quiet and chosen not to talk things out with Maya.

But Maya had told her and the others time and again; she's a very greedy person. And at this point, she might love Claudine so much that she would be able to live with the guilt of hurting the others if it meant keeping her.

All of these thoughts and so many more had scrambled her mind last night and still linger now as she gets out of bed and tidies it up. Claudine had made quick work of getting ready and eating early, because by the time Maya steps into the living room, she's on her way out the door. Maya dreads the same weighted awkwardness from last night rearing its ugly head again. But to her surprise, Claudine looks back at her directly.

"Morning. I'm heading out first."

Maya is so delighted that she'd spoken to her, she almost forgets to reply.

"Good morning. Have a safe trip."

Claudine nods, and the door closes behind her.

Maya is left standing there for a moment staring at the spot. She knows exactly what Claudine is trying to do: ignore it. Just ignore this whole thing, including whatever feelings she might have for Maya.

And Maya wonders if it could work. If they both just act like these last few days had never happened, if they both just choose to continue on with life as usual…

Maybe it could work. With any luck, the romantic feelings they harbor toward one another will fade away, and they can continue living as they have been, as friends.

In spite of her greed, Maya knows this is probably the best option for everyone's sake.

So she opts to follow Claudine's lead.

She'll do her job. She'll act.

Act like she doesn't get that warm flutter in her heart every time Claudine glances her way or speaks her name or touches her hand.

In time, it should go away, and they can continue on as they have been.

Maya draws in a deep breath. Her stomach still feels twisted now, but that too would go away in time. She's resolved to do this - for her own sake, for Claudine's, and for all of the Starlight Girls'.

So Maya turns to the kitchen and starts making her breakfast, wiping her eyes once, and only once.

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It seems both she and Claudine have come to a mutual, unspoken understanding of what they're going to do about this. When Maya arrives at the studio, she greets Claudine with the usual calmness, and Claudine responds with huffing and puffing like always.

They stretch out together, talking about their choreography and lyrics and the upcoming concert next Friday, a week from today. They don't talk about yesterday's photoshoot or anything else related to that little scandal.

And when the others arrive, everything is exactly as it should be.

They sing, they dance, they laugh together at lunch, they help each other practice and come up with things to say to the audience. All in all, it's an entirely typical day at work as idols.

And when the day is done, they wish their friends a good weekend before Claudine heads home first.

It's Claudine's turn to stop by the grocery store, so Maya leaves shortly after her roommate and gets back to the apartment first. She showers and changes into her nightgown, then turns on the television as she waits.

Usually it doesn't take Claudine longer than half an hour to get home if it's her turn to shop.

But tonight, 30 minutes pass and she still hasn't returned. Maya stops focusing on the show entirely after five more minutes go by. She gets up and retrieves her phone to text her.

//Is everything all right?//

Another five minutes pass, and there's no answer from her. Maya starts to feel sick. She keeps giving her 5 more minutes until an hour has passed and she has to call her. She paces around the living area as the cell phone rings and rings and rings but never gets answered.

The sun's gone down by now, and her mind takes her to all the darkest places. After another few minutes, she can't take it any longer. She rushes to the front door to grab her coat and step into her shoes, intent to search for Claudine herself and call the police if necessary.

But just as she's wrestling her arm into the sleeve of her coat, the door knob clicks. Claudine pushes her way in with a grocery bag on each arm.

"I'm home. Sorry it took so long. They were out of some things so I had to go across town to- H-Hey! Wh-What's going on? What are you doing-?" She's taken aback at the sight of Maya haphazardly dressed in her coat and shoes over her sleep clothes. But what's even more concerning are the tears brimming in her eyes.

Maya feels all of the horrible things inside of herself getting swept away all at once by sheer and utter relief. Hearing Claudine saying "I'm home," had always made her happy, but never this happy.

"Thank goodness…" Maya slowly removes her shoes and coat before coaxing her startled roommate fully inside. "I'm sorry. I was just getting worried. I'd texted you."

"You did?" Claudine puts the bags down and fishes out her phone, frowning at the screen. "It's dead. I'm sorry."

"No… It's all right. I'm just glad nothing happened."

"Idiot. Don't be so dramatic. Just because I'm a little bit late doesn't mean something catastrophic happened. I can take care of myself."

"Still, it was impossible not to worry."

"Well, I'm here now and I'm starving." Claudine brushes past her and begins pulling things out of the bags to put away.

Maya is so relieved she needs to sit down in one of the kitchen chairs before her knees give out. She would have been worried about her no matter what, but she feels that now that she's aware of her true feelings for Claudine, her reaction had been so much stronger in order to match those emotions.

She watches her rifle through the pantry and the refrigerator. Claudine hums one of their songs as she goes. Maya isn't sure if she's still putting up the act of normalcy, or if she's truly already over her feelings for Maya and has left them behind for good. If that's the case, it hurts. Just a little…

"Ahem-" comes a grunt. "Are you just going to sit there all night, or are you going to help me?"

Hearing Claudine being her usual self makes Maya's lips curve upward a little.

"Of course."

And she'd hoped that she could continue putting up a front as Claudine has been doing, but worrying about her being late tonight had thrown Maya off now. She couldn't ignore that deep-rooted, poignant fear for Claudine's wellbeing. It was much more than she'd ever felt at the prospect of just a friend being late to something.

And after that, it's all the little things - glimpsing the tiny satisfied smile on Claudine's face as she eats, hearing her sing as she showers, accidentally brushing shoulders with her as they sit on the couch - that break Maya in the end.

By the time they finally head off to the bedroom, Maya can't hold herself back any longer. Claudine has just sat on the bed, waiting for her before she turns off the lamp. Maya's heart is in her throat as she sits down on her side of the mattress and the light is turned off, leaving them only illuminated by the faint glow of moonlight and street lights from outside.

Claudine removes her headband and smooths out her hair. Maya follows her example, removing her ribbon and hair clips slowly before placing them on her night stand as well.

She'd tried. She'd really tried her best to pretend like everything was normal between them, and she'd only managed to succeed for one single day. She really is too greedy after all. She just has to hope her hubris won't be hers or Claudine's downfall in the end.

She watches Claudine from the corner of her eye as she pulls her legs under the blankets and smooths out her hair a few more times. Maya steels herself past the beating of her heart. If she doesn't speak now, she isn't sure how she'll survive moving forward. She inhales one last breath and lets it out as steadily as possible.

"Claudine."

Her voice is quiet and honest enough to make Claudine freeze completely, unmoving in the last stroke of fingers through her curls. She must be able to sense the weight and topic of what the conversation is going to be, because she doesn't even try to brush it off. When she replies, her tone is the same as Maya's had been.

"Yes…?"

A pause.

Maya counts a dozen heartbeats, but Claudine still doesn't turn to face her. Maya maintains a safe, respectable distance between them and continues.

"I know that yesterday, you'd said you didn't want to talk about it. And I gave it my best effort not to want to either. But after today - only one single day - I can say with absolute certainty that I am not as strong as you are, Claudine." She looks up now and meets her eyes fully. "I want to talk about it. Please."

. . .

/No, no, no-/

Claudine had been doing so well feigning her indifference all day long. She'd been ready to keep up the act until she truly started to believe it - telling herself she didn't love Maya until her brain could trick her heart.

So why?

Why is Maya ruining all of her hard work now with a voice that trembles with honesty and eyes that burn with such determination?

Claudine already feels her supposedly-impenetrable wall of resolve beginning to crack. She tries to swallow, but it doesn't really go down, because her heart is pounding so hard her throat is starting to close up.

/Damn it. Damn it, Tendo Maya-/

"Fine." She hates how thin her voice sounds, how it's beginning to crumble just like her facade. "Say whatever you want. It won't change anything…"

'Even if you say you love me, we still can't be together.'

Maya gazes back at her with eyes that reflect Claudine's own agony, but she commits to her decision and the devastation it very well may bring.

"Claudine…"

Again, she says her name with such tenderness, Claudine nearly breaks down on the spot. She wants to yell at her to stop, that they shouldn't do this, that they should just keep up the act and stay friends…

But deep, deep down, she wants to hear her say it, no matter what the consequences might be.

Claudine breathes in, and her breath wavers. Maya reaches out and rests her hands so gently over Claudine's that her eyes actually start to water.

"Claudine…" Maya whispers again. "I… I'm not even sure what to say… where to begin…" She shakes her head and bows it, letting her bangs shield her eyes.

As much as Claudine wants to tell her to stop, she doesn't. Instead, she turns her hands over and gingerly laces her fingers through Maya's, giving her the okay to continue.

It's cruel of her, she knows, since she'd been the one to tell Maya not to talk about it in the first place. She's going back on her word.

But right now, she doesn't really care anymore.

After a moment, Maya gets her bearings and lifts her face again to continue.

"When I first met you, I knew… I knew there was something about you. For so long, I thought it was just admiration for your perseverance and your performance skills. And as the years went on, I never even considered it could be anything else…"

It's no use. Hearing Maya speaking like a frightened child who might be scolded for doing something bad, hearing her believe that her feelings are wrong…

It's how Claudine's felt, too.

To know Maya's felt the same guilt, the same fear…

Her eyes start to sting, and then water, and then drip. The tears land on the backs of both hers and Maya's hands.

Maya keeps going.

"But recently… I started to wonder if… if maybe… if maybe there was something more to it, even before the scandal. And then that photoshoot yesterday…" Her voice suddenly drips with a hint of venom, something that startles Claudine. But Maya's hands just squeeze hers softly, carefully.

"Those things the photographer was saying… I know it was just for the sake of the shoot... that she was talking about our personas and not us, but I just… Especially that one line: 'Do you really care about her, or are you just trying to get a reaction?' It scared me. It made me wonder if I'd ever done or said anything to you that hurt you, or made you think I was doing it just to 'get a reaction,' or undermine what you were feeling… I never wanted you to think that was the case…"

By now she's crying even more than Claudine is, to the point where she can barely finish her sentences. She bows her head again, shaking beneath the weight of her feelings that are piling up so high and so heavily they seem like they might crush her soon.

Claudine doesn't know how to lessen the burden. She feels like anything she says or does now will only make it worse. Her mind is buzzing with so many thoughts, but she can't make sense of any particular one. Her throat and eyes are burning as she tries to keep back the sobs to the point where they start to choke her.

Maya gasps in her breaths, hiccuping as she inhales so that the air doubles-up on itself. In all the years she's known her, Claudine has never seen her like this. This is the heavy, messy, uncontrollable kind of crying that hurts, that makes you feel like you might die.

And Claudine can't do anything to help her. For fear that she might only make it worse, she does nothing, which might be just as bad.

She doesn't know how much time passes before Maya is finally able to lift herself up again. The moonlight catches on the tears running down her face and reveals just how much water is trapped behind her eyes.

"But…" she clears her throat, finally able to continue. "Yesterday… during all those photos, Claudine… your heart was pounding just as hard as mine was. You were shaking, and you couldn't fully look me in the eyes… I thought I knew… I thought you felt the same things, but I couldn't be sure if you were happy or nervous or scared… Scared of hurting me or of being hurt by me… I couldn't take it. I couldn't just keep pretending everything was fine. I couldn't…"

Suddenly, her grip on Claudine's hands tightens, and she pulls her hands up to her chest, tears pouring down her face as she raises her voice in earnest.

"I couldn't possibly keep pretending like that… not when I finally knew the truth. I love you, Saijou Claudine."

It all shatters. Everything.

Everything Claudine has been building and piling up over the years, from the faintest inkling of a feeling when their hands would brush, to the clearest display of affection in a hug.

Maya's honest words move that mountain, and all of it collapses.

Claudine wails out loud, bowing her head against the front of Maya's shoulder and weeping. It feels as if the tears are coming from every inch of her body and just pouring out.

Her hands slip free from Maya's, as Maya hadn't wanted her to feel as though she was restraining her in any way. If Claudine wanted to leave, she knew Maya was letting her.

But she can't. She doesn't want to.

Her hands are shaking so much they can barely manage to make purchase on Maya's waist, fingers fumbling to get a grip on her nightgown. Her whole body is shuddering from the inside out, expelling more and more of the tears.

Maya can't just do nothing. Even if it might hurt Claudine to show her this affection right now, she can't just sit here and not even try to comfort her.

So she circles her arms around Claudine as gently as possible. She'd almost managed to get ahold of herself enough to stop her own tears, but having Claudine break down in her arms brings forth another rush of them.

The sounds of crying fill the bedroom, and soon the whole apartment. The moon watches on.

Maya waits, and waits, but still Claudine says nothing.

She just cries. Harder and harder until she can barely breathe. Her voice begins to rise up until she's wailing, and she hugs Maya tighter to stifle herself. Maya just hugs her back and cries. She can feel Claudine's heart pounding, and it feels like her own heart is breaking.

"Please…" Maya begs her. "Claudine… please say something…"

She can't take it anymore. She needs to know if Claudine feels the same way, if these tears are good or bad. Every second that passes not knowing if she could be hurting Claudine is killing her.

And it takes a while longer for Claudine to stop shaking. She has so much she wants to say back, but her throat is so scratched from crying this hard that her voice hardly makes any sound.

"I… I'm not sure… what I felt," she rasps. "I t-thought I just wanted to surpass you and take center… I thought I wanted to become a better idol than you… I thought I wanted you to look at me the way I looked at you…" She eases herself back, gazing up into Maya's tearful eyes past her own frazzled bangs. "B-But I can't…" she chokes. "I-I can't want that…"

"Why not-?" Maya demands. "Why can't you want that?"

"Because we-"

"Do you love me, Claudine?"

Claudine shakes her head and whimpers, sinking forward until her face is in her lap. But a few seconds later, she feels Maya's arms wreathing around her to pick her back up and pull her into a tight embrace. Her voice is small and sad.

"Is that a no...?"

"No-!" Claudine wails. "I-It's not a no… I do… I do…"

"Then please… please say it, Claudine."

Claudine sniffles again and again, trying desperately to get ahold of herself. Maya deserves to look into her eyes and hear her say it, so she knows Claudine is speaking from her heart.

So Claudine wipes her eyes several times, until she can open them enough to see. Easing herself back, she keeps her hands on Maya's shoulders. Maya is waiting, patient and scared. Claudine exhales.

"I love you… I love you, Tendo Maya."

How long? How long has she known it? How long has she been wanting to say it to her? Probably as long as Maya has been waiting to hear it said.

A wobbly smile appears briefly on Maya's lips before she loses herself to the tears again, and Claudine is right behind her. They pull each other as close as possible, slipping their knees between each other's and hugging as tightly as they can; bodies shaking, hearts pounding, voices breaking.

Relief. There's so much relief, but…

But there's even more of the darker things.

Before she can get too lost in the feeling of Maya's warmth curling around her, Claudine pushes herself back and reminds her of the reality.

"But I… we can't…" She'd been so happy for just a split second, but now she just feels so miserable, so defeated. "We can't do this… you know that."

She hates that she can see that spark of joy that had been starting to shimmer in Maya's eyes disappear now. Maya wipes her arm across her face and clears her throat.

"We... we don't have to tell anyone," she murmurs. "The fans don't have to know. The others don't have to know. Sensei doesn't have to know... Why not just keep it a secret?"

Claudine falls very quiet. She knows she shouldn't even be considering such a high-risk idea, but-

"Think about it," Maya continues. "We live together. We can kindle this relationship here at home, but continue business as usual at work. We are expert actresses, are we not? This will be a simple feat for us."

Claudine's heart flutters - a soft, tiny, pleasant movement after all of the hard, harsh pounding.

"But… if anyone finds out-"

"We'll be careful," Maya insists. "Please, Claudine. Now that I know how you feel… what we could have… I can't lose that. If I did, I'd surely go mad." She takes Claudine's hands again and holds them tightly. "I know you feel the same, Claudine. I know you want this just as much as I do. So please… I'm begging you… let me…" she rasps. "Let me love you, Claudine."

Claudine sobs again, but a smile actually comes across her lips.

"You idiot… obviously I wouldn't be able to stop you even if I tried…"

"So… is that a yes?" Maya begins to cry all over again, but this time the hope in her eyes shines through more brightly than anything else.

Claudine breathes in slowly and finally dips her head.

"But we have to be careful. We can't get found out no matter-" But she's cut off when Maya suddenly throws both arms around her, bowling Claudine backward onto the mattress.

"Thank you-" she whispers. "Thank you, Claudine…"

Claudine makes quick work of locking both arms around her back, holding Maya there on top of herself and refusing to ever let go. Maya nestles in against the side of her neck and cries, but this time Claudine can hear little giggles in between. True elation.

Claudine hugs her as hard as she can, feeling the tears slipping back toward her ears as she stares up at the ceiling. She can't believe this is really happening. But she hasn't woken up yet, so it can't be a dream.

Her pulse is racing, filling her entire body, and she can feel Maya's too, equally as frantic with this newfound joy. There's still a bit of fear, a bit of uncertainty. But the shadows are all pushed back beneath the glow of this blossoming warmth.

At least for now. At least for tonight.

Eventually, Claudine feels her own laughter beginning to bubble up in her chest. But to Maya, the jolting movement must feel like she's having difficulty breathing, because she quickly lifts herself up off of her.

"Claudine? Are you all right?" She eases back and helps her sit up straight again, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. Claudine wipes her face and chuckles.

"Yes. I'm fine."

"Thank goodness."

"You're always worrying about me too much. Like I said, I can take care of myself."

"Of course." Maya smiles, and now Claudine reaches out to fix a lock of hair for her.

A moment passes, and the tears finally come to a complete stop. Claudine searches her eyes, but can find none of the bad things there anymore. She feels they can both breathe a little more easily now.

Now that all is said and done, she doesn't exactly know where to go from here. But then she feels Maya's hand on hers again, and a tingle shoots up her spine.

"Claudine…?"

"…Yes?"

Maya's lilac eyes shimmer.

"May I kiss you…?"

Claudine's heart leaps in the merriest beat she's ever felt.

"I thought you'd never ask."

They've lived together for months. They've worked together for even longer. And they've known each other for longer, still.

They've touched each other many times, in many little ways.

But never like this.

Maya's hand is warm and gentle in hers. Claudine squeezes it nervously, excitedly, and lifts her other hand to Maya's cheek, softly caressing the dried tear trails over the smooth skin. In turn, Maya rests her free hand on Claudine's hip, pulling her in closer, tracing in small circles.

Claudine's heart races again, but it's nothing like the painful shudder it had gripped her with earlier. Now it's fast and light and excited like she's never felt it before.

Maya leans in close, resting their foreheads together for a moment. Claudine can feel her breath on her lips. She closes her eyes and inclines her chin, brushing their noses together. Maya chuckles and sobs at the same time, but when her lips finally cover Claudine's, they're smiling.

It's so soft, so tentative, so innocent. They both hold it for a moment, but ease apart before long to open their eyes and check to ensure the other is all right.

And their eyes have never shone more brightly, not even when they'd made it to their first concert together in front of hundreds of people. This is something entirely different, something new and deep and honest.

Claudine already finds herself wanting more, and for once Maya's greed works in both their favor.

The second kiss is longer, deeper, slower. And yet their hearts are racing.

A soft sob works its way out of her throat, and Claudine has to pull away. Maya re-opens her eyes to look her over, but she smiles when she understands it was a happy sob. She kisses her one more time, then gently coaxes Claudine down onto her back. Maya lies down over her, caressing her face again and again, peppering tiny kisses wherever she can reach. Claudine clings to her back, gasping softly, and losing her breath altogether when she gazes up into her eyes.

This love is dangerous. She feels like she might drown.

But right now, she really doesn't care.

All night, they kiss and touch and love one another, in places they've never kissed our touched or loved before. The take turns, giving back equally what they take, reciprocating every caressing touch. They steal each other's breath, make their hearts beat faster and harder, and then more slowly.

Only just before sunrise do they finally fall asleep cradled in each other's arms, enveloped in an incomparable warmth that shines more brightly than the rays of morning.

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A/N: So this is their solution: to keep it a secret. Surely they can keep up the act, yes?

I just please ask you to be respectful with any comments. Yes, you can infer they made love, but it was only tender and quiet and beautiful.

Next chapter we'll find out how they handle this secret together...