Sonic 06 Review (so far)

SONIC 06 REVIEW

INTRO

Welcome to Team Awful, and it's finally time to review what alot of people consider to be the worst game ever created, that ended up completely de-railing a beloved franchise. May I present to you Sonic The Hedgehog! Released as a poor excuse of a Xbox 360 launch title, aswell as a laggy disaster of a PS3 game, this shit stain of the mid 2000s is a platformer that focuses on reinventing itself more then genuine quality. This "reboot" as I guess you could call it was made and marketed for the new generation of gamers after the recent installments were so left-field and puzzling that it started to send the series downhill, along with all of the former fans. Since everything about the legendary blue blur was slowly decaying after the continued success of a particular bland, copy-pasta Italian plumber, the druggy psychopaths at SEGA decided that they needed to make a ballsay move. And I will give the game this, it definetly has some balls. With its huge chart of playable characters, new re-designs of every character, and a bunch of new voice actors, the stakes were huge. But I'll get into that later. Unfortunately, SEGAs narrowmindedness on content over quality aperrently ended up wiping their brains from the year 1991, because there is absolutely no way they called this game Sonic The Hedgehog. Thats like a musical artist self-titling their 5th album (shoutout to Beyonce for being a fucking idiot). Not only does this mean you compeltely retcon every other game before this, but also you have the chance to end up tarnishing the original classic. Now, calling this game Sonic The Hedgehog over and over again is just going to end up causing confusion, so Im just going to refer to this game as Sonic 2006 (06 for short), which is the nickname the fanbase/Sonic community gave it for it was released in 2006. So, without further ado, let us dive into this trainwreck.


THE GOOD

Now even though this game is absolutely abbissmal, that doesnt techincaly mean its completely devoid of any quality, right? Well, my dear viewer, you are indeed correct, because despite what some others might have to say, there are some features and little bits in this game that arent vomit-inducing.

1. The soundtrack. Holy hell does this kick some major ass. Every song for every level fit and flow very well, and most of them totaly rock. Most notably the  fast-paced, rapid pieces from the Mach Speed sections (now trust me, I will DEFINETLY be getting into these later), such as my personal favourite track Radical Train, which has some of the most badass guitars you will hear in any Sonic game ever. And the main themes for each of the 3 characters are pretty solid aswell. Im a huge fan of Crush 40s harder-rock, louder, in your face cover of "All Hail Shadow", the main theme of the last main cannon Sonic game, Shadow The Hedgehog (which will be another great review on a horrible game for another day). I dig the more techno-based, synth-infused theme for Silver, Dreams of An Absolution. Well, I dont really listen to it very often, infact I more respect its quailty then liking it. Then there is the rap/rock combo for Sonics theme, His World, which, while being corny and extremely cringey to borderline hillarity, it does fit Sonic character perfectly, and it was probably only put into the game because the music genre Crunk was taking off, and Sega wanted to capitalize on that, without doing something too much out of their league. Oh jeez, now I have the terrifying thought of Sonic doing a crunk song. Would be the equivalint of Goofy doing a cover of a nu-metal song {Play Goofy version of Bring me Back to Life} Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me! But the best part of the soundtrack by far, is that YOU DONT EVEN HAVE TO BUY THE GAME TO HEAR IT! Although, you might be better off getting a copy anyways, because Sonic 06 is such a goddamn laughing stalk its probably cheaper then the soundtrack at most game stores. Now Im not that each song will captivate you until you hit the shiny gleam of your goal ring, I mean shit I only listened to it an hour ago and and I already forgot what Aquatic Base sounds like, but everything here works on a musical level and I have to give it that. But other then that? Ehhhh... theres not much else good about this game really. Ooooh, Ooooh! I really love this line {Play Sonic saying "THAT TORNADOES CARRYING A CAR" from Crisis City mach speed section} thats fucking hillarious and absurd and I love it. Aswell as this {Play the scene where Shadow kicks Silver in the back of the head at Radical Train} This might honestly be my favourite cutscene of all time. All right editor, is that all the good stuff I have to say? Yes? Ok good no more Mr Nice guy now, I found the one chaos emerald that was never seen in Sonic 06, and its time to Chaos Blast this shit all the way to Sonic Boom

STORY

Lets start off with the part of the game most people knock, the story. It starts off with some characters that wouldnt look too out of place in a Final Fantasy game, having a ceremony and lighting what looks to be a knock-off Olympic torch. All of a sudden, Dr. Eggman with his massive 4 nipples of doom comes soaring in through his ship that was blantantly taken from Star Wars Ep 4, lookin to obtain the secret of the Flames of Disaster, with the first step being taking a Chaos Emerald that Princess Elise (the one who lit the torch) has in her possesion. Now let me stop right here. First off, WHY THE HELL DOES SHE HAVE A CHAOS EMERALD! I understand that Sonic has had a past record of never keeping ahold of the Emeralds too well, but usualy they are randomly placed in a desert, or jungle, or something along those lines. We later (MUCH later, if I might add) that this was given to her from her father, who was a goverment researcher. Now, lets ignore how he got it because its never explained, but I guess I can let that slide. A better question would be WHY THE FUCK DOES SHE HAVE IT WITH HER! If you have kept that Emerald with you for all these years (which, according to this game, you never end up losing it throughout those years) shouldnt it be, locked up? You know, just incase you get mugged or something, like the situation you have yourself right now? Also, her having this Chaos emerald opens up the first plot hole in this game. She got that emerald at age 10, and has kept it, never losing it up to this point. Now, considering she is called a "Princess", Im pressuming she is too young to be a queen, but old enough to be responsible enough to rule a kingdom and have some responsibility. So I would say she's around 19 at this point in time, even then thats a bit generous. Anyhow, that would mean she has had this emerald for 9 years. Meaning that not only has it been 9 years since Sonics last adventure, but that it has also been 9 years since Sonic has given a single shit about the Chaos Emeralds.