Terrible jokes

What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
Women.

Why is gay marriage illegal?
Because people are assholes.

A baby seal walks into a club.

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his starbucks before it was cool!

A drumkit and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Where does the Jewish meatball live?
In the spaghetto

A hundred kilopascals go into a bar.

If you think this sentence is confusing, then change one pig. -- Uilliam Bricken Jr.
Thit sentence is not self-referential because 'thit' is not a word. -- Douglas Hofstadter
Believing this statement will make you happier. -- Ryan Lortie
If this sentence is true, then Santa Claus exists.
This sentence contains exactly threee erors.

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers see this and agree that it is quite a clever idea so, after the conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Amanda is 21 years older than her son John. In 6 years from now, Amanda will be 5 times as old as John.
Question : Where is Amanda's husband?
Solution :
Amanda (MOM =M) is 21 years older than John (Child = C). M = C + 21
In 6 years from now, Mom will be 5 times as old as her Child.
M + 6 = ( C + 6 ) x 5
C + 21 + 6 = ( C + 6) x 5
C + 27 = 5C + 30
-3 = 4C
C = -3/4
The child is -3/4 years old, that is, -9 months
Child will be born in 9 months
So, right now, Amanda's Husband is..
INSIDE HER.

There's this calculus party, and all the functions are invited.
ln(x) is talking to some trig functions, when he sees his friend ex sulking in a corner.
ln(x): "What's wrong ex?"
ex: "I'm so lonely!"
ln(x): "Well, you should go integrate yourself into the crowd!"
ex looks up and cries, "It won't make a difference!"

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

A mathematician finishes a large meal and says:
√(-1/64)
I over ate

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine driver commented that he'd heard the speech enough times, and that even though he didn't understand it, he felt as if he could deliver it word-for-word. So the physicist agreed to trade places and let him give the speech, and the physicist would sit in the back and wear the limousine driver's uniform.
After giving the speech flawlessly, the limousine driver opened the floor for questions from the students (typically there were none). However, at this particular University there was a rather egotistical student who thought he was smart enough to compete mentally with the Nobel physicist. The question took 5 minutes to get out and would require a rather lengthy explanation and some complex calculus to answer.
Without batting an eye, the limousine driver responded to the young student by saying, "The answer to that question is so easy, I'll let my limousine driver, seated in the back, respond."

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"

An angel came down for a meeting of the American Philosophical Association. Greeting the assembled philosophers, the angel offered to answer a single question for them. Immediately the philosophers set to arguing about what they should ask. So the angel said, "Alright, you figure out what you want to ask. I'll come back tomorrow." And he left the philosophers to deliberate.
Some of the philosophers favored asking conjunctive questions, but others argued persuasively that the angel probably wouldn't count this as a single question. One philosopher wanted to ask "What is the best question to ask?", in the hope that some day another angel might make a similar offer, at which point they could then ask the best question. But this suggestion was rejected by those who feared that no such opportunity would arise and did not want to waste their only question.
Finally, the philosophers agreed on the following question: "What is the ordered pair whose first member is the best question to ask, and whose second member is the answer to that question?" Satisfied with their decision, the philosophers awaited the angel's return the next day, whereupon they posed their question. And the angel replied: "It is the ordered pair whose first member is the question you just asked, and whose second member is the answer I am now giving." And then he disappeared.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek.
It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton smiles and says "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"