I'd Rather Have You

Line 6
	>cute stutter, light nap, dim light, open blinds
	Whoa son, no need to pile on the adjectives. Some of these can already be inferred.

Line 12
	>a shy fashion
	I think this might have been more appropriate if our couple had just recently, you know, met. But the way it is now, he should probably be attributing that fashion to her. Her shy fashion. Her typical shy fashion. Or maybe her atypical, resurfacing shy fashion.

Line 16
	>interior crocodile alligator, I mean, interior designer
	Interesting choice. I hope that this will be of some relevance to the story besides saying "she found direction in life" since that's merely topical.

Line 18
	>large stomach
	purple prose, again

	>the area basically done growing larger because she's already 35 weeks into her pregnancy term
	this doesn't flow very well

Line 20
	>everything being done by motions and actions rather than words.
	You lost me here. Seems like it's supposed to be deep given the preceding loud silence, but I'm not comprehending.


Line 26
	>trail of water
	I'd advise getting creative and calling it a trail of happiness, but I know that a "happy trail" is something else entirely. Anyway, tears are a saline solution of more than just H2O, so calling it water is misleading.

Line 28
	>the boy who practically saved my l-life.
	White knighting faggo-

	>the following exchange
	oh ok nevermind :3

Line 48
	>She's my princess, a girl who never needed a knight in shining armor to come and save her; she just needed someone to give her a little nudge in the right direction.
	The thing about this is that in the scene where Miki asks Hisao about liking Hanako or not, if he says yes, he justifies it by calling himself a prince, and keep in mind that he was still white-knighting at the time. Maybe what you were trying to do was draw a contrast between the princess fit to rule as queen someday and the damsel in distress. Which I think is fantastic, but it wasn't particualrly evident.

So, I've noticed that your use of adjectives and (ab)use of purple prose improved dramatically near the end of the writing. Notice that 20 line gap between my criticisms of 28 and 48? Whatever you were doing there, do it more often.

>X is a song by Y
ffffffffffffffffffffffff