All the ponies in this town are CRAZY!-Apples to Apples

>You really need to repay Twilight somehow for her help
>Maybe you could read to her while she's sick
>She seemed to enjoy your company and you can't help but want to make her feel better
>You've done your best to answer her questions about humans, but your promise to Celestia really narrows her research to anatomical questions
>That semen sample was a bit excessive in your opinion
>By the time you've arrived at Sweet Apple Acres you've begun to slow down
>All this running has made you hot and sweaty, but the cool night air is doing wonders for you
>The fear of what would happen if you are caught also helps to motivate you
>The rows of trees before you offer numerous hiding places for you and the lovesick ponies after you
>But you've helped your friend Applejack here so often that you know these orchards like the back of your hand
>What's this on the back of your hand? You've never seen that before
>*sniff*
>Drool maybe? Sometimes Fluttershy's animals would lick you in your sleep, but this would be the first time it was your hand
>After the third time you began to insist that you should wear underpants in bed from then on
>Fluttershy was very disappointed, probably because she couldn't get her animals to listen to her
>No, it's not drool
>*drip* *drip* *drip*
>You look up to find the source of the dripping
>Derpy Hooves hovering above you
>The liquid isn't coming from her mouth
>"I brought you a muffin."
"Oh thanks, I'm starviolookatthetimegottarun"
>You sprint into the woods without a second thought, the sounds of her beating wings driving your legs to pump even faster
>"Baby please! This is just a small bump in our relationship!"
>As you run you see a note attached to a tree that says "DON"T LOOK BACK"
>No need to tell you twice
>After you grab it you hear a strange noise
> Turns out it's your stomach
>Only after seeing that muffin do you realize how hungry you are
>Maybe Applejack could help
>She did always say that if you came by after dark she'd give you some of her pie
>Mmmmmmmmm pie
>After some frantic running and a few barrel rolls you've lost Derpy
>Your relief is cut short after falling flat on your face, your arms and legs tied behind your back
>"Well well well. It must be Hearth's Warming Eve cause I've done wrapped myself a present."
"Applejack! Am I glad to see you. Or I would see you if you weren't behind me. What did you tie me up for?"
>She trots in front of you and sit down, her tail tickling your face
>"I heard a commotion and figured I'd put a stop to whatevers goin on. Thought you might be some kinda apple thief. Now what are you doin in my apple orchard in the nude?"
"Applejack, you know how you told me that if I keep "shaking my flank like that" I'd end up "driving a certain mare wild"?"
>She begins to blush and starts rubbing the back of her head
>"I reckin I did say somethin of that sort."
"I've finally figured out what you meant."
>"Really!? I know that you and Fluttershy-"
"Applejack, I'm hot. I'm tired. Why don't we go back to your place for some of that pie you keep offering me?"
>She grins bigger that Pinkie Pie and tosses you onto her back
>"I guess you are some sort of apple thief, cause you've done gone and stole my heart. Everyp0ny else is asleep, so lets head to the barn for a little"
>Her voice drops to a seductive whisper
>"privacy."
>She begins to gleefully trot to her barn with you tied up on her back
>Applejack sure is hospitable.
>If only you had figured out her warning before, that she was warning you about Derpy
>At least you're safe in her hoofs
>Once the two of you are in the barn she gently lays you down on a bale of hay, Luna's moon giving you just enough light to see
>"Them ropes aren't too tight are they? I know not everyp0ny appreciates bein tied up like that, but it really means alot to me. I want this to be fun for the both of us."
"They're fine Applejack. Anything that makes you more comfortable."
>She jumps onto your lap and wraps her arms around your neck
>"Such a gentleman. We've to a long night ahead of us."
>As she moves her head in for a kiss the barn door bursts open
>"Oh A<3N<3O<3N!"
>Caramel stands in the doorway, still dressed in his raciest costume
>Both of the Apples wear looks of shock and embarrassment when they see each other
>"Caramel?!"
>"Applejack?!"
"Saucy?"
>"Saucy!?"
Applejack's face scrunches in confusion as Caramel stands there with his head help up in pride
>"Saucy."
>"Caramel!"
>"Applejack
"Anon!"
>This is fun
>"What the hay are you wearin Caramel!? Is that my good garter?"
>"Like I would be caught dead wearing your clothes Applejack."
>"And just what is that supposed to mean? At least I don't dress like a two-bit hoarse."
>"Don't judge my lifestyle Applejack!"
>The two bicker back and forth as you feel a tiny hoof poking into your shoulder. You turn to see a very sleepy looking Applebloom in a nightcap yawning and rubbing her eyes.
"Applebloom! What are you doing up so late?"
>"Howdy Anon! I heard the ruckus and thought I'd see what the commotion was. How about you? Where you and Applejack gonna play one'a them secret games she says I'm too young fer?
"I guess so. She said she'd make sure the two of us would have plenty of fun. Though I really came here to get some pie."
>"I wanna have some fun! But if it's pie yer lookin fer, I can give you some'a MY special pie."
>She manages her best bedroom eyes and gives you a wink
"That sounds great! But first can you untie me?"
>She gets the ropes off your body and the two of you sneak out the back while Applejack and Caramel argue
>"Maybe I'll tell Granny Smith about your night life!"
>"You wouldn't!"

>You are Derpy and don't know what went wrong
>Anon had been helping you and Dinky for months now
>He played with her, bathed her, fed her,
>Your little muffin adored Anon almost as much as you did
>Almost
>You had loved Anon for a while now but were too afraid to tell him so
>Afraid of what could go wrong
>After what was one of the longest and tiring days of work you've ever had you came home to something wonderful
>Something you had only dreamed of
>Anon had prepared a candlelight dinner of your special muffins, the ones you had been saving
>The Flower sisters promised those herbs would put anyp0ny, or human, in the mood to rut
>You wouldn't have used them on him unwillingly
>But then he practically feeds them to you on a table covered in rose petals
>You thought he was ready!
>And then when your dreams were about to come true the worst happened
>You derped up again
>Like you always do
>Was it your eyes?
>Were you too ugly?
>Too fat?
>Or maybe it was just you being you
>You had a special muffin just for him
>Your lovemuffin
>You made it just for him, and covered it in little hearts and berries
>But he just ran away
>By the time you managed to find him near Sweet Apple Acres you were terrified
>What could you say to keep him with you?
>How could you show your love?
>And what if you derped up again?
>The pressure was too much and you felt your tears fall onto him below you
>And when he saw you
>He ran
>And no matter how you tried to make it up to him he ran
>And ran
>And ran
>And now he was inside Sweet Apple Acres
>Probably hiding from you
>You heard a noise coming from from the kitchen window
>It was too dark to see but you place your ears against the window to hear
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM"
>"Anon not so fast!"
"Sorry Applebloom but your pie is so sweet and juicy! I just can't help myself. Is this really your first time?"
>"Oh Anon I'm so glad you like it. We'll need to do this more often."
>Anon no!
>This can't be!
>You've heard enough and bust into the kitchen, Applebloom and Anon looking back at you with wide eyes
>Anon's face is covered in pie filling and crumbs, the half eaten pie sitting in front of him
>"Hiya Derpy! Wanna slice of my special pie? I made it myself! Anon told me it's so good I might get my cutie mark for it! Right Anon?"
>"Where'd he go?"
>When you two look back all that was left where Anon was sitting was an empty pie tin
"Not again. Sorry about the surprise Applebloom."
>*sigh*
>"Not a problem Derpy. Good luck with your Anon troubles though!"
>She gives the giggle that all schoolfoals give when they think they know a secret
>You weren't about to give up yet though.
>You can fix this.
>You fly off into the night looking for which way he could have gone
>Your voice only reaching a whisper
"I hope"