Nov 15, 5:32:53Vani: i've honestly told this story so many times

Nov 15, 5:32:57Vani: i have it down to a science

Nov 15, 5:33:04Vani: 'cause people always ask how i ended up like this

Nov 15, 5:33:17Vani: so

Nov 15, 5:33:19Vani: first things first

Nov 15, 5:34:01Vani: my mom was a quiet nerd when she was a kid, and had an abusive alcoholic dad. she graduated hs at 16, moved out at 17, and became a banker for goldman sachs by 23

Nov 15, 5:34:12Vani: so she was pretty successful, even without college

Nov 15, 5:34:21Vani: she did all of it just to spite her dad, she says

Nov 15, 5:34:26Vani: who always said she wouldnt amount to shit

Nov 15, 5:34:33Vani: but anyway that's her story, not much to say there

Nov 15, 5:34:44Vani: my dad

Nov 15, 5:34:47Vani: was actually born in jamaica

Nov 15, 5:34:52Vani: cuz yknow british people and jamaica

Nov 15, 5:34:59Keloid: yeah

Nov 15, 5:35:01Vani: (or british people and anywhere really fucking world domination)

Nov 15, 5:35:08Vani: anyway

Nov 15, 5:35:17Vani: he was born in jamaica, but he lived with his grandparents as a child

Nov 15, 5:35:21Vani: his parents were in england

Nov 15, 5:35:33Vani: when he was like 7 his parents showed up like 'time go to home' and he was like

Nov 15, 5:35:36Vani: i dont know you people

Nov 15, 5:35:38Vani: and ran away

Nov 15, 5:35:46Vani: and he lived homeless and 7 in jamaica

Nov 15, 5:35:49Vani: for like 4 years

Nov 15, 5:36:04Vani: he said he used to wake up very very early and steal newspapers from stores right after they were dropped off

Nov 15, 5:36:09Vani: and sell them for like 15 cents each

Nov 15, 5:36:26Vani: he joined a gang

Nov 15, 5:36:27Vani: sold drugs

Nov 15, 5:36:28Vani: etc

Nov 15, 5:36:35Vani: when he was like 15 though his parents found him

Nov 15, 5:36:43Vani: and sent him to new york to live with an uncle as punishment

Nov 15, 5:36:51Vani: he went on to do the same exact shit

Nov 15, 5:36:55Vani: gangbang and sell drugs

Nov 15, 5:37:01Keloid: yeah

Nov 15, 5:37:01Keloid: well

Nov 15, 5:37:03Keloid: it's new york

Nov 15, 5:37:11Vani: when he was 19 he got arrested but it was a minor offense or something and this was back in the day

Nov 15, 5:37:15Vani: so he had the option to either

Nov 15, 5:37:20Vani: to to prison or enlist in the navy

Nov 15, 5:37:23Vani: go*

Nov 15, 5:37:30Vani: so he chose the navy

Nov 15, 5:37:34Vani: he was a navy corpsman

Nov 15, 5:37:36Vani: a combat medic

Nov 15, 5:37:45Vani: and he served on a few tours in like

Nov 15, 5:37:49Vani: very-very late 'nam times

Nov 15, 5:37:54Vani: so he wasn't in it at like

Nov 15, 5:37:59Vani: the prime of the killing or anything

Nov 15, 5:38:08Vani: and he only has like very minor ptsd?

Nov 15, 5:38:19Keloid: yeah

Nov 15, 5:38:25Vani: but anyway he was discharged while back home for beating some dude's ass while drunk at a bar

Nov 15, 5:38:37Vani: few years later he meets my mom at a nightclub and that's that

Nov 15, 5:38:48Vani: so!

Nov 15, 5:39:00Vani: now. 1995. i'm born. new york. albert einstein general hospital.

Nov 15, 5:39:05Vani: i uh.

Nov 15, 5:39:16Vani: I was born with a VSD.

Nov 15, 5:39:22Vani: which is ventricular septal disorder

Nov 15, 5:39:27Vani: which is literally a hole in my heart

Nov 15, 5:39:38Vani: in between the left and right atrium

Nov 15, 5:39:54Vani: which basically means blood cells with no that pumped through my heart

Nov 15, 5:40:04Vani: would mix with the blood cells that are oxygenized

Nov 15, 5:40:15Vani: and idk how it works or w/e but tl;dr that could kill me

Nov 15, 5:40:20Keloid: yeah

Nov 15, 5:40:23Vani: it was a uh

Nov 15, 5:40:25Vani: size 4

Nov 15, 5:40:29Vani: which means 4mm hole

Nov 15, 5:40:38Vani: which is the largest anyone has ever seen in an infant

Nov 15, 5:40:44Vani: and it meant i had to get open heart surgery or die

Nov 15, 5:40:55Vani: apparently i'm a miracle baby

Nov 15, 5:40:56Vani: or something

Nov 15, 5:40:59Keloid: yeah

Nov 15, 5:41:01Keloid: i mean

Nov 15, 5:41:03Keloid: that's fucking

Nov 15, 5:41:04Vani: because a week before i was supposed to go to surgery

Nov 15, 5:41:05Keloid: crazy serious

Nov 15, 5:41:10Vani: it closed to a 1mm hole

Nov 15, 5:41:18Vani: which i still have to this day, but is considered fairly harmless

Nov 15, 5:41:31Vani: so

Nov 15, 5:41:44Vani: i obviously dont remember years 1-5ish of my life

Nov 15, 5:41:47Keloid: yeah

Nov 15, 5:41:56Vani: just a baby in new york with my sister (who is ten years older than me btw)

Nov 15, 5:42:17Vani: so by time i was 7, my sister had moved out, so i was essentially an only child

Nov 15, 5:42:30Vani: when I was about 8, we moved to california

Nov 15, 5:42:33Vani: anaheim specifically

Nov 15, 5:42:54Vani: we lived in apartment complex by the freeway. I remember it explicitly because we lived in room #1.

Nov 15, 5:42:59Vani: anywhere

Nov 15, 5:43:01Vani: anyway*

Nov 15, 5:43:09Vani: there was literally only one other kid there anywhere near my age

Nov 15, 5:43:12Vani: so naturally we uh

Nov 15, 5:43:15Vani: became friends

Nov 15, 5:43:31Vani: (dont ask why but i didn't go to school while we were in california)

Nov 15, 5:43:53Vani: we were only there for like 2 years but i think my parents lied and said like

Nov 15, 5:44:01Vani: we wouldn't be there long enough to enroll me into a school?

Nov 15, 5:44:02Vani: i guess

Nov 15, 5:44:06Keloid: lmao

Nov 15, 5:44:11Vani: i dont know

Nov 15, 5:44:14Vani: i really don't

Nov 15, 5:44:16Vani: but anyway

Nov 15, 5:44:21Vani: this one friend really uh

Nov 15, 5:44:23Vani: changed my life

Nov 15, 5:44:28Vani: he was kind of

Nov 15, 5:44:32Vani: a complete asshole

Nov 15, 5:44:34Vani: in retrospect

Nov 15, 5:44:39Vani: but back then he was my only friend

Nov 15, 5:44:52Vani: basically he told me to do things in return for favors that he never gave me

Nov 15, 5:44:57Vani: and i like an idiot would do them

Nov 15, 5:45:08Vani: i remember stealing those popsicle tube things

Nov 15, 5:45:18Vani: from the grocery bag in this lady's trunk

Nov 15, 5:45:24Vani: when she was putting them into her house

Nov 15, 5:45:36Vani: and we got caught and he lied to my parents and said it was 100% me when he was the one that told me to do it

Nov 15, 5:45:48Keloid: well, that's how those people work

Nov 15, 5:45:51Keloid: but of course

Nov 15, 5:45:55Vani: anyway

Nov 15, 5:45:57Keloid: hind sight is clear

Nov 15, 5:46:01Keloid: foresights not

Nov 15, 5:46:06Vani: i was really, really hurt when we left 2 years later

Nov 15, 5:46:14Vani: 'cause that meant leaving literally the only friend i'd ever had so far

Nov 15, 5:46:27Vani: so

Nov 15, 5:46:46Vani: i'm now like 9-10 years old

Nov 15, 5:46:49Vani: we're in atlanta now

Nov 15, 5:46:54Vani: i actually get enrolled into a school

Nov 15, 5:47:02Vani: i had zero friends

Nov 15, 5:47:04Vani: literally zero

Nov 15, 5:47:08Vani: i was just

Nov 15, 5:47:13Vani: extremely anxious and antisocial

Nov 15, 5:47:18Vani: and wanted nothing to do with anyone

Nov 15, 5:47:25Vani: and then my mom got cancer.

Nov 15, 5:47:34Vani: so.

Nov 15, 5:47:40Vani: she was 24/7 in the hospital.

Nov 15, 5:47:58Vani: my dad worked 3 jobs to pay for our new house, me, and now my mom's insane hospital bills

Nov 15, 5:48:06Vani: tl;dr i was home alone. every single day.

Nov 15, 5:48:12Vani: at the age of 9.

Nov 15, 5:48:21Vani: my dad came home for like.

Nov 15, 5:48:29Vani: 2 hours to powernap. left money on the kitchen table for me.

Nov 15, 5:48:32Vani: then right back to work.

Nov 15, 5:48:36Keloid: yeah

Nov 15, 5:48:45Vani: and all i had was myself and the internet.

Nov 15, 5:48:51Vani: needless to say

Nov 15, 5:49:09Vani: i found 4chan when was 9

Nov 15, 5:49:14Vani: let's just say

Nov 15, 5:49:15Vani: ...

Nov 15, 5:49:19Vani: that's not a good fucking influence

Nov 15, 5:49:21Keloid: yeah

Nov 15, 5:49:25Vani: i had been

Nov 15, 5:49:29Vani: completely desensitized

Nov 15, 5:49:33Vani: to anything and everything

Nov 15, 5:49:35Vani: by time i was 10

Nov 15, 5:49:53Vani: mixed with hatred for the world for making me leave my friend, and giving my mom cancer which forced me to have no family

Nov 15, 5:50:14Vani: when my mom was finally considered stable enough to actually get to stay at home for a week at a time

Nov 15, 5:50:18Vani: she was a total mess

Nov 15, 5:50:23Vani: her doctor was abusive.

Nov 15, 5:50:34Vani: and yes, years down the road we did file a malpractice lawsuit and we did win it

Nov 15, 5:50:39Vani: but that's years down the road.

Nov 15, 5:50:55Vani: as of right now, all he did was abuse her, and prescribe her pills that did nothing but make her bipolar and suicidal.

Nov 15, 5:51:03Vani: so when i actually did have someone at home with me

Nov 15, 5:51:08Vani: it only made things worse

Nov 15, 5:51:10Keloid: it was negative

Nov 15, 5:51:11Keloid: yeah

Nov 15, 5:51:13Vani: because she was batshit insane

Nov 15, 5:51:17Vani: like

Nov 15, 5:51:23Vani: she came into my room crying and holding a knife

Nov 15, 5:51:36Vani: and said she thought about killing herself and my dog because he wouldn't stop barking

Nov 15, 5:51:39Vani: mind you im 10 years old

Nov 15, 5:51:50Vani: and im sitting there freaking the fuck out like what am i even supposed to do about this

Nov 15, 5:52:05Vani: i had

Nov 15, 5:52:11Vani: went outside and called my dad but he didnt answer

Nov 15, 5:52:17Vani: so i didnt know what to do and just called my sister

Nov 15, 5:52:27Vani: who was 20 and lived nowhere near us, like she couldn't even help

Nov 15, 5:52:38Vani: but she did call the cops for me (which i was too much of a coward to do)

Nov 15, 5:52:45Vani: because why would any kid want to get their mom arrested

Nov 15, 5:52:47Vani: crazy or not

Nov 15, 5:53:02Vani: she wasnt charged with anything

Nov 15, 5:53:07Vani: because she didn't do anything

Nov 15, 5:53:14Keloid: yeah

Nov 15, 5:53:17Vani: by time the cops got there i didn't say shit and she was just crying

Nov 15, 5:53:18Keloid: but

Nov 15, 5:53:31Vani: so they just made sure everything was okay and chalked it up to like

Nov 15, 5:53:39Vani: a prank or some shit idk

Nov 15, 5:53:42Vani: nothing came of it in the end

Nov 15, 5:53:51Vani: but anyway

Nov 15, 5:53:57Vani: this was when

Nov 15, 5:54:01Vani: i started becoming a bad kid

Nov 15, 5:54:19Vani: between having no friends, no family and 4chan giving me advice

Nov 15, 5:54:26Vani: lets just say there was nothing good there

Nov 15, 5:54:34Vani: i was just

Nov 15, 5:54:38Vani: really really angry all the time

Nov 15, 5:54:43Vani: i was always quiet but like

Nov 15, 5:54:47Vani: if anyone even tried to talk to me

Nov 15, 5:54:56Vani: i'd just flip my shit a them

Nov 15, 5:54:58Vani: at*

Nov 15, 5:55:23Vani: i was suspended many times, had to go to an anger management counselor

Nov 15, 5:55:37Vani: and now i really had no friends 'cause everyone thought i'd be a future school shooter or something idk

Nov 15, 5:55:47Vani: and so

Nov 15, 5:56:00Vani: this went on for a solid 2 years or so before my mom went into remission.

Nov 15, 5:56:16Vani: everything had calmed down for a bit when she went into remission, but things only got worse for me.

Nov 15, 5:56:28Vani: my dad was able to quit one of his jobs so he could be home more often for my mom and i

Nov 15, 5:56:44Vani: but he was always stressed as fuck about paying bills and my mom was always so depressed

Nov 15, 5:56:48Vani: they basically ignored me

Nov 15, 5:56:57Vani: and i ignored them, too, because fuck them

Nov 15, 5:57:15Vani: I mean, really, they hadn't ever done a single thing for me

Nov 15, 5:57:22Vani: besides put me in the world and not leave me as a child

Nov 15, 5:57:42Vani: so

Nov 15, 5:57:47Vani: i'm like 12/13 now

Nov 15, 5:57:53Vani: and my mom gets cancer again.

Nov 15, 5:58:04Vani: i think

Nov 15, 5:58:10Vani: that was the day i lost my religion

Nov 15, 5:58:29Vani: my mom was always a hardcore christian and wanted to instill those wholesome values or w/e bullshit into me but i never really paid any mind to it

Nov 15, 5:58:38Vani: but that day pretty much confirmed for me personally

Nov 15, 5:58:45Vani: that there was no god watching over shit

Nov 15, 5:58:57Vani: for my good mom who had never done bad in her life

Nov 15, 5:59:05Vani: to get cancer twice for seemingly no reason

Nov 15, 5:59:17Vani: to be abused by a power-tripping doctor that only wanted prescription money

Nov 15, 5:59:30Vani: to have no friends and a basically-absentee dad

Nov 15, 5:59:32Vani: i was like

Nov 15, 5:59:33Vani: yeah

Nov 15, 5:59:35Vani: fuck this world

Nov 15, 5:59:37Vani: fuck everything

Nov 15, 5:59:42Vani: i got even worse tbh

Nov 15, 5:59:55Keloid: yeah

Nov 15, 5:59:56Vani: i attempted suicide a few times but i was too much of a coward to commit

Nov 15, 6:00:11Vani: ie. ODing on a mixmatch of my mom's random pills but

Nov 15, 6:00:16Vani: not ODing enough to die

Nov 15, 6:00:25Vani: just to get extremely sick and in a lot of pain and vomit everywhere for hours

Nov 15, 6:00:29Vani: and sleep for 3 days straight after

Nov 15, 6:00:51Vani: or the time i climbed up onto my roof and jumped off of it

Nov 15, 6:00:59Vani: it's only 1 1/2 stories tall

Nov 15, 6:01:02Vani: i didn't even break anything

Nov 15, 6:01:11Keloid: probably sprained an ankle

Nov 15, 6:01:14Vani: yeah

Nov 15, 6:01:18Vani: i fucked my legs up but

Nov 15, 6:01:20Vani: not even broken

Nov 15, 6:01:23Vani: pathetic attempt

Nov 15, 6:01:31Vani: i stuck a pair of tweezers into an electrical socket

Nov 15, 6:01:37Vani: and all that happened was the power in my house went out

Nov 15, 6:01:40Vani: i didn't even get shocked

Nov 15, 6:01:42Vani: it was bullshit

Nov 15, 6:01:53Keloid: yeah

Nov 15, 6:01:57Keloid: modern electrical systems do that

Nov 15, 6:02:00Vani: :c

Nov 15, 6:02:01Keloid: to prevent kids from killing themselves

Nov 15, 6:02:05Vani: a-anyway

Nov 15, 6:02:05Keloid: sowwy

Nov 15, 6:02:19Vani: to add into all of that

Nov 15, 6:02:21Vani: I shit you not

Nov 15, 6:02:27Vani: from ages 12 to 13

Nov 15, 6:02:29Vani: I had literally

Nov 15, 6:02:34Vani: 23 family members die

Nov 15, 6:02:45Vani: My aunt uncle and their kids on my dad's side

Nov 15, 6:02:52Vani: all died together in a horrific car accident

Nov 15, 6:02:59Keloid: That's horrible.

Nov 15, 6:03:02Vani: my uncle on my mom's side

Nov 15, 6:03:07Vani: who was a window washer in new york

Nov 15, 6:03:12Vani: jumped off of his scaffolding

Nov 15, 6:03:17Vani: you can only imagine how that went

Nov 15, 6:03:27Keloid: yeah

Nov 15, 6:03:37Vani: my grandma on my mom's side died from natural causes i guess

Nov 15, 6:03:51Vani: my grandpa on my dad's side died from a heart attack

Nov 15, 6:03:54Vani: literally

Nov 15, 6:04:00Vani: in the span of not even 7 months

Nov 15, 6:04:04Vani: it felt like

Nov 15, 6:04:07Vani: every other week

Nov 15, 6:04:15Vani: my dad would come home crying

Nov 15, 6:04:16Vani: and tell me

Nov 15, 6:04:23Vani: ___ passed yesterday

Nov 15, 6:04:37Vani: after a certain point

Nov 15, 6:04:42Vani: to be completely honest

Nov 15, 6:04:48Vani: i couldn't even find it in myself to care anymore

Nov 15, 6:04:58Vani: after maybe like the 15th time i heard one of my family members died

Nov 15, 6:05:01Vani: i didn't even cry

Nov 15, 6:05:05Vani: i didn't even care

Nov 15, 6:05:10Vani: i couldn't care it was like

Nov 15, 6:05:22Vani: every ounce of hope i had for anything in the world was gone by then

Nov 15, 6:05:29Vani: my childhood was absolute hell

Nov 15, 6:05:35Vani: and i went through all of it all on my own

Nov 15, 6:05:42Vani: with the help of fucking 4chan of all places

Nov 15, 6:05:49Vani: i guess that's why i'm such a masochist

Nov 15, 6:06:06Vani: i'd go on /b/ and be very serious and post like '__ died today and i'm depressed again'

Nov 15, 6:06:21Vani: and naturally i'd get like 40 'lol maybe kill urself then scrub' for every 1 'im sorry to hear that'

Nov 15, 6:06:34Vani: and i just got so used to the depravity of the place

Nov 15, 6:06:35Vani: i guess

Nov 15, 6:06:47Keloid: yeah

Nov 15, 6:06:51Vani: and so

Nov 15, 6:07:03Vani: when i was about 14

Nov 15, 6:07:08Vani: i got bored after school one day

Nov 15, 6:07:15Vani: and just decided to rummage through my mom's pills

Nov 15, 6:07:22Vani: and look up the effects and stuff of all of the names

Nov 15, 6:07:35Vani: and, well. that's when the hydrocodone started.

Nov 15, 6:07:40Vani: My mom had tons of painkillers.

Nov 15, 6:07:46Vani: Like. I'm not even kidding.

Nov 15, 6:07:52Keloid: well

Nov 15, 6:07:53Vani: Months upon months worth of unused scrips

Nov 15, 6:07:55Keloid: cancer does that

Nov 15, 6:08:01Vani: that she refused to use after the suicide incident

Nov 15, 6:08:09Vani: and no one was ever home so

Nov 15, 6:08:16Vani: i just got high as shit every single day

Nov 15, 6:08:27Vani: and i didn't even hate anymore

Nov 15, 6:08:33Vani: opiates killed my capacity for hatred

Nov 15, 6:08:38Vani: they replaced it with numbness

Nov 15, 6:08:46Keloid: Which, is a benefit I suppose.

Nov 15, 6:08:55Keloid: Albeit escapism isn't healthy by any means

Nov 15, 6:08:56Vani: i couldn't even find the motivation in me to care about anything, let alone hold hate in my heart

Nov 15, 6:09:05Vani: and so

Nov 15, 6:09:09Vani: once i entered highschool

Nov 15, 6:09:22Vani: my mom went in remission again after having her left breast entirely removed in surgery

Nov 15, 6:09:47Vani: i was so mellow and high 24/7 that i was taken out of anger management due to being 'rehabilitated' which is a lie

Nov 15, 6:10:02Keloid: which is

Nov 15, 6:10:05Keloid: being high as fuck

Nov 15, 6:10:29Vani: my dad found a better job that paid more than his other two combined

Nov 15, 6:10:34Vani: so he started to be home more often

Nov 15, 6:10:47Vani: my mom was still depressed but she willed herself through it without any meds

Nov 15, 6:10:55Vani: and my home slowly started to become a home again

Nov 15, 6:11:10Vani: but by that time my parents knew nothing about me and i couldn't have cared less about them anyway

Nov 15, 6:11:17Vani: so it wasn't a family

Nov 15, 6:11:23Vani: but at least we were all there

Nov 15, 6:11:32Vani: we never ate dinner together in the kitchen or anything

Nov 15, 6:11:40Vani: my dad would cook something or just order takeout

Nov 15, 6:11:49Vani: and i'd just take it to my room and eat while browsing the internet

Nov 15, 6:11:58Vani: i finally made a friend