How Anon Stole Hearth's Warming Eve

Sit down now children, let me tell you a tale
All about a certain anonymous male
Though you may have heard of his adventures before
You've not yet heard the tale that I have in store
You may have a laugh, you may find some trouble
And if there's any fun, it may be made double
So go get comfortable, pull up a chair
And listen to this story that I have to share

For you see...



>Every pony down in Ponyville liked Hearth's Warming Eve a lot...
>But Anon, who lived just north of Ponyville, did not.

>Anon hated Hearth's Warming Eve, he hated the whole season.
>And though the ponies couldn't understand it, he did have his reasons.
>Maybe it was because his skin was too green.
>Maybe he was an internet hate machine.
>But if I had to guess, the most likely reason of all,
>May have been that his penis was two sizes too small.

>But whatever the reason, green skin or small dick,
>He thought of the ponies and it just made him sick.
>Staring through his basement window and wearing a frown
>He gazed out unto damnation, this Ponyville town.
>For he knew every pony there was smiling with elation.
>Decorating the town for their obscene celebration.
>"And they're hanging their stockings" he said, with both anger and fear.
>"Hearth's Warming Eve is tomorrow, it's practically here!"
>Then he sighed, with his fat fingers nervously drumming.
>"I must find a way to stop these ponies from coming!"

>For you see all the ponies were quite the horny bunch,
>Ever since Fluttershy and Applejack had given them that hunch.
>And tomorrow he knew mares and stallions. girls and boys,
>Would reach under their beds, and pull out sex toys.
>And then oh the noise! Oh the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
>That's one thing he hated, the noise from their toys.
>And then all the ponies would meet up, before having relations.
>And try to guess each other's fetishes, much to Fluttershy's elation.
>Which to Anon's anger, was rarely just masturbation.

>And then they'd do something he liked least of all.
>Every pony down in Ponyville, the tall and the small,
>Would meet up together, on the ground or in the air,
>And they'd have an orgy in the middle of town square.
>They'd screw, and they'd screw. And they'd screw! Screw! Screw! Screw!
>And the more Anon thought about it, he knew it was true,
>"They'll try to get me to join them" He said, as his anger grew.
>"I must stop this if it's the last thing I do!"
>"For 783 days I've put up with this now,"
>"I must stop Hearth's Warming Eve from coming, but how?"

>Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
>Anon got a wonderful awful idea!
>"I know just what to do!" Anon said, as he laughed like a dope,
>And he made himself an outfit to look like the pope.
>Then he had a great laugh and he was feeling swell,
>"If they try to molest me I'll threaten them with hell!"
>"And I'll need a big scary dragon, that I can ride into town"
>But since dragons are rare, there was none to be found.
>"Hellfire and brimstone would certianly help"
>"So if I can't find a dragon, I'll make one myself!"

>So he called his friend Spike, and he told him what he'd need,
>And then he fingered Spike's butthole until Spike agreed.
>Then onto a sleigh he loaded boxes and an empty old bag,
>Then he hitched up little Spike, who called him a fag.
>And Anon said "giddiup" and whipped him with a wave,
>And Spike yelled "Cool your tits! I ain't your slave!"

>They set off down the mountain under the light of Luna's moon,
>While poor Spike sang a sad negro spiritual tune.
>Anon found the town empty, all the lights were dim.
>All the ponies in their beds, probably dreaming of him.
>He went up to a house and in he took a peek,
>The sign in the window said Carousel Boutique.
>"This is victim number one" our Anon hissed,
>As he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
>But looking down the chimney, he stopped quite abrupt,
>He thought "I need to start simpler so I don't fuck this up!"
>So he hopped off the roof and he ran out of sight,
>"I could always rob her place later tonight."
>"For now I'll start easy, and work up, I say!"
>And Anon darted into a dark alleyway.

>There he spied in the alley, between the dumpsters and the bins,
>A large cardboard box that a refrigerator came in.
>"This is a good place to start" he thought and took stock.
>"I could fit a lot of stolen goods in that big empty box."
>But as he opened up the box, he began to feel blue,
>For inside he found the smallest pony in all of Ponyville, little Scootaloo-who.

>And Scoots looked up at him with her eyes full of hope,
>For on this night she had a visitor, even if he did look like the pope.
>"Anon?" she asked with a sorrowful tone,
>"Are you stealing my box? You know it's my home."
>Our friend Anon was in trouble, he knew he had to be fast,
>So he thought up a lie before she busted his ass.

>He said "Oh Scoots, this corner of your box has been ripped in twain."
>"And I don't want you to get all wet next time there's rain."
>"I'm going to take it to my workshop and fix this little scrape."
>"And it'll be good as new after a little duct tape."
>And his fib fooled the filly, and he patted her head,
>And he laid her down in the trash bin to go back to bed.
>Then he grabbed his new box and ran off into the night,
>Thanking his luck that the little filly was none too bright.

>Now emboldened in his scheme, he cackled like a hen,
>And went to try his luck at Rarity's house again.
>Then he slid down the chimney, a rather tight fit,
>But this was Anonymous, he didn't give a shit!
>He stepped out of the fireplace with a stomp of his boots,
>And wiped all the soot from his classy pope suit.
>Then Anon said, with a voice full of scorn,
>"If I steal everything now they won't celebrate in the morn!"

>Then he saw their stockings hanging there by the way,
>Filled up with anal beads and aphrodisiac laced hay.
>Anon rubbed his temples, and he stomped on the floor,
>"They don't even wear stockings, what the hell are these for?!"

>Then From Rarity's dining room he stole all the tables and the chairs.
>And from the bathroom he took all her products for mares.
>Within her bedroom he took all the obscene things,
>Bum ticklers, ass paddles, even the adult swings.
>And he ransacked her fridge until everything was gone,
>Why he even took the Grey Poupon.

>Then he shoved it up the chimney, but it wouldn't all fit,
>So he just used the front door, because fuck that gay shit.
>He loaded the goods onto the sled and he made up his mind,
>"Now onto the rest of the houses, we'll rob them all blind!"


Now is the part with the montage and song
We wouldn't mind at all if you'd like to sing along
We tried to get Thurl Ravenscroft to sing, but unfortunately he's dead
But don't worry, you can read it in Gilbert Gottfried's voice instead

♫
You're a mean one, Mr. Anon
You really are a prick
You're a sad little human being
And You have a tiny dick
Mr. Anon
I wouldn't touch you with a... ten foot long stick

You're a bastard, Mr. Anon
I doubt you even have a soul
You aren't nice to anyone
You just sit around and play with your pole
Mr. Anon
Maybe if you stopped touching yourself you... wouldn't be such a big asshole

You're a faggot, Mr. Anon
You're as useless as Tom
You've never accomplished anything
And you're a disappointment to your mom
Mr. Anon
Why you probably came here from... Reddit.com
♫


>It was a quarter till dawn, all the ponies still in bed.
>Anon finished packing all their things onto his sled.
>He took their food, their furniture, their triple X toys,
>Leaving nothing for any of the pony girls and boys.
>And then up the mountain Spike dragged the load back,
>All the while complaining that he still wasn't black.

>Ten thousand feet up, Anon cheered like a trumpet,
>At the top of the mountain with the load, now he would dump it.
>"Boo hoo for the ponies" he laughed as he grinned,
>"They'll soon find out that their holidays been ruined!"
>"They're waking up now, I know just what they'll do!"
>"Their mouth's will hang open for a moment or two."
>Then the ponies down in Ponyville will cry "Boo hoo, we're too sad to screw!"
>"That's a noise" grinned Anon, "that I simply must hear."

>So he cupped a Cheeto dusted hand up over his ear.
>And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
>It started in low, then it started to grow.
>But the sound didn't sound like 'ABLOO BLOO BLOO'
>This sound sounded happy, this just would not do!
>Anon stared down to Ponyville, he squinted his eyes.
>And he gasped; what he saw was a shocking surprise.
>Every pony down in Ponyville, the tall and the small,
>Were making out in the town square, without any possessions at all.

>He hadn't stopped Hearth's Warming Eve from coming, it came.
>Somehow or another it came just the same.
>And Anon, with his feet ice cold in the snow,
>Stood there wondering "How could it be so?"
>"It came without fetishes!"
>"It came without their toys!"
>"It came with nothing but the girls and the boys!"
>"Their possessions I've taken, and now I am dumping."
>"But why can't I stop these ponies from humping?"

>He questioned and puzzled until his brain was sore,
>But then Anon thought of something that he hadn't before.
>Maybe Hearth's Warming Eve doesn't come from a box?
>Maybe, just maybe, it comes from your cock?

>"That's it!" Said Anon, "It all sounds so sweet!"
>And he felt warm inside, despite his cold feet.
>And what happened next, why in Ponyville they say,
>That Anon's tiny penis grew three sizes larger that day!

>And now that his pants felt so awfully tight,
>He rode down the mountain, to make everything right.
>He rode into Ponyville and brought back their things!
>Their clop-oppers, their gimp masks, their french tickler rings!
>The furniture, the food, the jewelery and bling!
>He gave everything back to the little girls and boys,
>Why he even gave back every single sex toy.

>Then he asked for forgiveness, and for it did he beg,
>While Fluttershy was grinding herself up and down his leg.
>He cared for all these ponies, it really was true,
>He even made things right with little Scootaloo-who.
>And with smiles on their faces they welcomed him in,
>And there, in town square, did the orgy begin.

>Snipps and Snails went and got gay
>Then Big Mac and Cheerilee took a roll in the hay
>Spike banged Rarity, that boy was no slouch
>While Cloud Chaser and Flitter lezzed out on the couch
>Colgate did oral, Blossomforth was bending
>And the spa ponies were sure to give everyone a happy ending
>Vinyl lay there, looking strangely mellow
>While Octavia played her clit just like a cello
>Berry Punch passed out and slept through it all
>And Nurse Redheart cupped many stallion's balls
>Lyra's dreams came true and it was better than she planned
>It was a threesome between her, Bonbon, and Anon's hand
>Pinkie Pie was happy because her friends were all glad
>She said it was the best party that she'd ever had
>Dooya Evenlift thrusts, yells, and spooges
>While making faces like all three of the stooges
>Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara were doing their stuff
>While Derpy rubbed a muffin all over her muff
>And upon seeing her cute butt that was bubbled
>Princess Luna showed up and the fun was then doubled
>Twilight Sparkle scoffed, calling the whole thing crass
>Until the Great and Powerful Trixie pulled a rabbit from her ass
>Why the crusaders even got their marks that day
>Cutie marks of a hot dog, thrown down a hallway

>And Anon, oh that stud, that amazing guy
>He had his fingers in nearly every pie
>He told Fluttershy his fetish and she was so pleased
>And he spent hours bucking Applejack's trees
>But he saved the best for a certain mare
>One with a blue coat and bright rainbow hair
>She told him her feelings, and he could finally see
>And Rainbow Dash got to be his special somep0ny

>And everyone was happy, not a soul was sad,
>Every resident of Ponyville felt oh so glad.
>And as Anon lay there, cuddled up to Rainbow Dash,
>He had a thought, that even just yesterday, would have seemed oh so rash.
>That while these ponies sometimes drive him up the wall,
>Maybe, these ponies here in Ponyville, aren't so bad after all.


And now girls and boys you have heard the tale
Of our friend Anon and what prevailed
He no longer needs to feel oh so alone
And all that it took was him sharing his bone
So remember, these feelings didn't come from a box
Remember, remember, they came from our cocks
So if you've enjoyed yourself and if you found this funny
Then we'll meet again soon in How Anon Stole Hearth's Warming Eve 2: the search for more money