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- >Day 'Fuck it I don't even know' in Pony Prison
- >It's been business as usual for almost a week now
- >Extra pudding and cuddles makes for a complacent existence
- >But you're feeling like something missing
- >You have an itch that needs to be scratched
- >Things haven't been nearly as fun as the first weeks
- >Sure, having half the prison population under your thumb gives you a power trip
- >But there's no dynamic, no give and take, nothing to make the days stand out
- >It's at this point that you would usually start planting cherry bombs in toilets and setting trashcans on fire
- >Or just start spreading rumors about people becuase, let's face it, you're a huge pussy who's never touched an explosive in your life
- >So here you are, sitting in the yard, taking a breather from a particularly intense game of duck-duck-goose
- >You overhear a nearby conversation between two of the guards
- >"So, uh, how do you think this month's visit is going to go, Night Shift?"
- >"What? Same as usual. She shows up, gives a speech and then leaves us for another month."
- >"Even with monkey-boy over there?"
- >The other guard gives his partner a look
- >Labelling is greatly frowned upon here in Weenie Prison Jr.'s
- >"He's been pretty docile for the last week or so. I think he'll be just fine."
- >"Yeah, well we got two days to make sure this place is fit for the princess and I don't want any scum messing this up."
- >Oh boy, this one's a hardass
- >That other guard will probably be filing a report tonight
- >Guards like that have no place in an institution dedicated to reforming Equestria's most dangerous criminals
- >You resist the urge to kick your feet and laugh as the key to your sanity just presented itself
- >You were able to learn the full details of the visit from an extremely flustered Sprout
- >Turns out, all that really happens is that Princess Celestia shows up, gives a speech about the magic of faggotry and splits
- >Attendence isn't even mandatory
- >She would hate to take up anyone's important time, after all
- >The more you think about it, the more Celestia seems like a huge, coniving bitch
- >By the time you got back to your cell for your daily session with Cookie, a plan was forming in your head
- >Two days wasn't much to work with, but you were determined to make that visit the highlight of the Princess' month
- >The next day involved you cutting all of your activities with the excuse of a stomach ache
- >Turns out, that still works here
- >They didn't even send a guard with you, just made sure you got to the nurses office
- >Candy was insisting on a full body checkup but you didn't have time for that shit
- >She sent you back to your cell with what looked like a bottle of Pony Tums and happy thoughts
- >The next few hours were a blur of antacid fuelled anarchy as you put your knowledge of circuits to use
- >Really, you just snuck into the guard station and stole a microphone and a boombox that they had in confiscated items
- >They even had some shitty mixtapes in there
- >The man's gonna have to charge you with arson because you're gonna burn this prison down
- >Day 'Fire it up' in Weenie Prison Jr.'s
- >You snuck into the cafeteria during pre-snack recess and hooked up your sound system
- >Turns out, they're gonna broadcast the Princess' speech throughout the entire prison
- >Just so no one feels left out
- >Who would want to miss Dear Leader's address to the nation of Equestrian Misfits?
- >A sudden commotion in the yard grabs your attention
- >Everyone is looking at the sky and pointing as if Superman was hovering naked above the prison
- >You look up in time to see the golden chariot sail over your head and land in front of doors to the prison proper
- >The ponies are now gushing as though Celestia had the star-power of every hair band from the 80's
- >They ain't seen nothing yet
- >It is time
- >You stand in the back of the room, microphone in one hand and tofu-tendies in the other
- >Motherfuckers ran out of chicken tendies even though you specifically stated they were a core staple of your diet
- >You tuned Celestia out a long time ago
- >Something, something, something; friendship
- >Something, something, something; magic
- >It's like the entirety of politics in Equestria can be summed up with "Shit's gay so be happy!"
- >You make the executive decision to interrupt Celestia's circlejerk
- >The squeal of feedback from your microphone makes every pony in the room cover their ears and cry out for Mother
- >You hit play on the Boombox that you hid under the table and get ready to drop some bombs
- >You climb onto one of the tables so you can pretend you're Jay-Z
- >From your perch, it looks like all of the inmates are bowing to your presence
- >They will be soon
- "Yo, Celestia. This maybe one of the greatest speeches you've ever written and I'mma let you finish in a minute. But!"
- Fuck it, c'est la vie
- I know that we the new slaves
- Y'all ponies can't fuck with me
- Y'all ponies can't fuck with 'Ye
- Y'all royals can't fuck with 'Ye
- I'll haul my ass out the country
- So you can't see where I stay
- So go and grab the reporters
- So I can smash their recorders
- See they'll confuse me with some horseshit
- Like the New World Order
- Meanwhile the CEA
- Teamed up with the PCA
- They tryna lock niggas up
- They tryna make new slaves
- See that's that princess owned prison
- Get your hug today
- They prolly all in the Castles
- Braggin' 'bout what they made
- Fuck you and your Royal house
- I'll fuck your Royal spouse
- Came on her Royal blouse
- And in her Royal mouth
- Y'all 'bout to turn shit up
- I'm 'bout to tear shit down
- I'm 'bout to air shit out
- Now what the fuck you gon' say now?
- >The dull boom of your mic hitting the floor echoes across the cafeteria
- >Almost every pony is staring at you with something akin to shock and/or terror
- >At some point, you lost your shirt
- >The Princess recovers and gives you a small smile
- >Shit
- >"Well then, Anonymous. That was certainly something. I'm so glad you've taken to expressing yourself in such a creative manner. Did you write that all yourself?"
- >You can't believe it
- >You haven't been tackled
- >No pony has politely asked you to step down from the table
- >YOu look down at the mic in your hand
- >How did you fuck this up so bad?
- >A light tapping sound draws your attention
- >The Princess is clopping her hooves in what you have learned is the pony version of applause
- >A few inmates join her and soon the entire cafeteria is filled with confused appreciation for your failure
- >You look into the Princess' eyes and fight no malice, only delight
- >You played right into her hooves
- >Making a mental note to yourself, you take a quick bow and step off the table
- >Next month, you're going to start a riot
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