Your acquihires are a waste

Seriously. So you want to acquihire a team. The company you acquire is worth less than its valuation, less than its total investment. But you, Big Corp, decide that you need some more 'talent'. All the engineers you already have are way too slammed (despite the fact they are browsing Reddit and Hacker News 50% of the day.) Lord knows they don't have a cycle to spare. With all this talent tied up what choice do you have but to acquihire?

Well, there is that antiquated notion of 'hiring' people. Insanity though. I mean, the last four engineers you brought into the interview process didn't implement that linked list correctly, and they certainly didn't solve the 'area under a histogram' problem, so your top talent decided these newbies weren't worth their weight in salt. It would be an exercise in futility to hire that engineer with 10 years of experience to write web apps, I mean c'mon, that guy couldn't even tell me the big O of sorting 1 billion social security numbers in a b-tree. All we do at Big Corp is serious algorithms and big data, right? I mean, we don't just do MVC web/mobile apps, right? I mean, RIGHT?

So Big Corp decides that the startup with 5 million in funding is worth 1 million per engineer. Unfortunately, the engineers involved have no idea about this valuation. In fact, nobody 'doing the work' knows the valuation, because the company being acquired is already worth less than all the cash already poured into it by dice-rolling VC-istan. Your CEO has 'hustled' his way to some preposterous valuation, the investors need some ROI, and the acquiring company wants a bargain. So the investors get their cash back, the founder gets maybe some cash and an accelerated vesting schedule, and the engineers 'worth one million each' get their typical salary and some five year vesting plan which will net them 75k.

For the uninitiated, that is what it means to be acquired for 'one million per engineer'. Your salary and five years of brass handcuffs. You just spent two, three, four years busting your ass at the startup you joined, hoping for your work to be used by millions. Possibly even hoping for a nice pay day. You worked your fingers to the bone. Then you got acquired. You celebrated. Then you got your offer from Big Corp, and realized you got the shaft in a big way. But you were told that it is 'prestigious' to be acquired, and you went with it. When you arrived at Big Corp, you realized not everything was as it seemed. Your stock ends up losing 3 points, and all of a sudden your 75k package is now worth 10k. Over five years.

So, Big Corp, here's my advice to you. Quit it with your useless acquihires, your futile attempt to fight developer attrition. Your developers are going to leave because your product and your business suck. Or your middle management sucks. Or you quit offering free sodas. But you are not going to counter your attrition by bringing in a bunch of acquired developers who eventually realize they got shafted. And on the other side of the coin, your existing developers feel like you brought in a bunch of newly minted millionaires. The existing devs leave, the new devs leave, and you are left holding your dick. Talent shortage indeed.

Quit these stupid acquihires. Try building something with your cash piles, try being a great company. Stop trying to flip your shit on the public markets or to the highest bidder. I'll tell you the same thing I tell all entrepreneurs who are starting out: make something people need, make something people love, and love your employees, for they are your blood.

-ishmael