The Science of Love

Lincoln paced back and forth in his room, deep in thought. He was struggling on a method to make Christina, the object of his affection, fall for him. Unfortunately for him, wooing was not a skill that he had developed yet.

"Man how do I do this? How am I going to get Christina to like me?"

"Ith's sthimple, you use thience to win her heart."

Lincoln jumped back in surprise at Lisa's sudden appearance.

"GWAHH! How long have you been there Lisa?"

"Thince you thstarted fantathizing and role-playing."

Lincoln turned bright red. "Oh, heheh... You uh, you saw that?"

"Yeth, and it wath quite disthurbing to thay the leastht; you'll never win a girl'ths heart with sthuch poor courting ritualths."

Lincoln just looked at her quizzically which caused Lisa to sigh and reply.

"You don't know how to act cool."

"What?? I'm plenty cool!"

"Not cool enough to emit the right pheromoneths tho thee'd be attracted to you."

Lisa was once again met with an "Uh, what?"

"Follow me."

Lisa then took Lincoln by the hand and walked into her room. "You obviouthly need proper education in courting ritualths if you want Chrithina to be your mate."

She then moved a piece of the wall out of the way, revealing a keypad. She quickly entered the code after making sure no one was looking. After she entered the code, a part of the wall became disjointed and slid out of the way, revealing an elevator. The elevator also came with a keypad and required a different code. The doors opened and they stepped in, the hole in the wall returning to normal. She pushed a button with a downwards arrow, the doors closed, and the elevator quickly began to descend.

"When did you build this?" Lincoln asked; baffled as to how such a project could be built by a 4-year old.

"I worked on it when Mom and Dad would leave Lori in charge. Thee Thpends tho much time on her phone that thee dothen't notithe me building my lab."

They finally reached the bottom which felt like they were three stories underground. They stepped out of the lift into a hallway with blinding lights that lit as they walked through it. After a short walk, they came across what looked like a door to a top-secret vault. To the right of the door there was a keypad, a hand-plate, some odd device, and a speaker. Lucy shuffled her way over to the side, inputting yet another code at high speed, place her hand on the plate as it scanned it, lifting her glasses so her retina could be scanned and then a voice was heard.

"Please provide voice authorization."

"Lithium, Iron, Silver, Argon."

"Voice authorization accepted. Welcome Lisa."

Many clinks, whirrs, and clanks were heard as what seemed like multiple doors were unlocked. Finally though the door was opened and the two walked into a large laboratory, filled with technology that Lincoln could barely comprehend.

"So uh, why are we in your lab?"

"Love ith a thience Lincoln, all you need to do ith figure out the formula and you win."

"So you’re saying that science will make Christina like me?"

"In laymanths termths, yeth. What you need to do ith develop a method to emit the proper pheromoneths for attraction and thee will find you irrithisthable. And if you can't do that, I can just thoot you with my pheromone ray."

Lincoln was almost too scared to ask. "Pheromone ray?"

"Yeth, Phermoneths. You DO know what they are right?"

"Ummm..."

Lisa just gave her usual sigh as she had to give even more explanations.

"Pheromoneths are chemicalths that are thecreted from the body that can trigger a thocial reaction in other creatureths belonging to the thame sthpecithes. Let me thow you."

She shuffled her way to a portion of her lab with a large screen and turned the monitor on to reveal bees floating around a bush of flowers.

"Beeths are an exthellent exthample of pheromone thecretion. Watch cloesthly. The beeths are gathering honey and thpreading pollen as they uthually do."

Lincoln stared at the screen, wondering what Lisa was trying to accomplish by showing him a video of bees.

"Now watch ath a potential threat nearths the hive."

As he watched, a wasp came into the picture, nearing a colony of bees. It lands quietly on a flower near the hive, waiting for a chance to snatch a bee. As one passes by it snatches one and gets ready to take off.

"Thith ith Philanthus Triangulum, altho known ath a Bee Wolf; It hunths beeths to lay iths eggths inthide it where the larvae will eat it from the inthide out."

"Ew that's gross!"

"Pay attention!"

Before the wasp takes off though, bees pour out of the hive swarming around the wasp and pinning it down where it is slowly stung to death.

"Thee that? The captured bee realthed an alarm pheromone. The chemical warned the other beeths that there waths a threat and the hive reacted to it."

"So how does this help me with Christina?"

Another sigh from Lisa, though it sounded a bit more frustrated than the others.

"It wath merely an example; I wath jutht trying to thow you an example of how pheromoneths work. There are many kindths of pheromoneths: Alarmths, Trail pheromoneths, Territorial pheromoneths, and Thex pheromoneths. You're going to uthe the latht one to woo Chrithina."

"Wait, what??"

"I am merely referring to the type of pheromone that you are going to uthe. Copulation ith not etthencial at your age, onthe you reach full maturity will it be advantageouths to copulate for the purpothes of procreation. Right now however, thith ith jutht to get you a girlfriend."

"Oh, okay. I think I get it. So what do I have to do?"

"You merely have to act in a way that showcatheths why you would be a throng mate. Thrength and virility are your two main weaponths."

"So I just have to act strong? And how exactly can I show my whatever the second thing is?"

"Jutht act tough. The pheromoneths will do the reth. Like I thaid though, if you can't do that I can jutht thoot you with thith."

Lisa opened a box and pulled out a gun that was half pink and half blue. It looked like it belonged in the 22nd century from how advanced it was designed.

"Thith gun will forthibly cauthe you to thecrete the proper pheromoneths, but it'd be nithe if you could do it yourthelf. Anywayths, leths head back up, tomorrow at school ith when you'll get your chanthe."


The next day...


School had just let out, and this was Lincoln chance to impress Christina; it was now or never. He had to think of something to make him look tough, but what? He mulled it over until a thought struck him; pain! If he gets hurt by something and treats it like it was nothing, that's sure to make him look tough. Now all that he had to do was figure out a way to hurt himself. He looked around and saw a somewhat large tree branch lying on the grass right outside the school. He turned to Clyde and asked him,

"Clyde I need you to do me a favor and hit me with that tree branch!"

"What? Why?"

"Lisa said if I act tough I'll release pheromones or something that will make Christina like me!"

Clyde walked over to the grass and picked the branch up, looking at Lincoln skeptically.

"I don't think this is a good idea Lincoln..."

"Doesn't matter! Christina is coming! Hurry!"

Clyde shrugged and swung the branch as hard as he could against Lincoln's back.

It hurt. A lot. He wanted to just yell out in pain, but he couldn't. He needed to be tough. He held the pain in and tried his damnedest to look suave in front of Christina. Unfortunately all that did was cause a confused look on her face as she walked by. As she walked by, Lincoln looked dejected, looks like he couldn't be tough. Then a sigh was heard,

"I figured thomething like thith would happen."

Lisa, who had appeared out of nowhere pulled out her pheromone ray and blasted him with what looked like a ray of pink energy. After he was shot, Lincoln turned around, baffled by Lisa's sudden appearance.

"Lisa?? When did you get here?"

"I didn't have anything to do today tho I followed you to thee if you thucethefully charmed Christina. From what I gathered, you failed marvelouthly. Thince I thot you with my ray, Christhina thould be at your beck and call now. Look behind you."

As Lincoln turned around, he saw Christina and could have sworn that she had hearts in her eyes.

"Oh hey Lincoln..."

"Oh uh, h-hey Christina..." said Lincoln as he leaned back. Christina was edging closer and closer to him, eventually grabbing his shirt.

"I never noticed how cool you were... But now I see..."

"Uh, Lisa? I think your ray worked too well."

"Ith thith not what you wanted?"

"Well kind of, I was hoping it would be a bit more- AGGH!!" Lincoln's thought was cut off by Christina as she pulled him down to the ground and pinned him, eager to kiss him. Meanwhile Lincoln was panicking; his heart wasn't ready for this! Just as she was about to kiss him, Christina was shoved off of Lincoln by another girl.

"Hey get off of him! I want Lincoln!"

Another girl chimed in, "No I want him!"

"No I do!"

Before he knew it, a gaggle of girls had swarmed around him, all thirsty for him. Lincoln was officially freaked out.

"Uh Lisa?? What's going on?"

"Oh I thould have mentioned, the ray just forceths the pheromoneths out in all directionths, so every female around you will be affected.

"WHAT?! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!"

"Becauthe I wath interethed ath to what would happen."

"Oh man I gotta get out of here!"

Lincoln somehow managed to break away from the mob of girls that swarmed him and made a dash for home. It took a while, especially since he had to spend extra energy dodging girls. He finally made it home though and slammed the door behind him.

"Phew, glad to be away from all of those girls! That's waaayyy too many for a guy like me! Now I'm safe at home...with my...ten sisters?"

As he looked up, all of his sisters had gathered in front of him.

"Lincoln..." said Luna.

"O-oh hey girls! A-Are you guys alright?" said Lincoln, who was sweating like a pig.

"Did any of us ever tell you how cute you are??" exclaimed Lori.

"Let's jump him!" Yelled Lynn.

Before he could react, 8 girls had pounced on him, picking him up and dragging them into Lori's room. Meanwhile Lisa just stood there and watched.

"L-LISA! DO SOMETHING! HELP! HEELLPPP!" Lincoln could only yell as the door behind him shut.

"Thankfully I had already inoculated mythelf againsth any kind of thex pheromoneths. Thuch thingths would get in the way of my rethearch. I'll re-examine the tetht thubject after a period of four hourths."

And thus without even realizing it, Lincoln had merely been a lab rat this entire time.