The Security Industry Humor

The Security Industry Humor - if you are offended, piss off, as you can’t take a joke.

"URINATING PANDA is a very serious threat actor”, said the CEO of Crowdstroke Security. “However, we have high confidence that when they see the Crowdstroke Buzzard technology at play, this is what gives them their name - they pee, and then turn and vacate the victims network”. They did note however that their ground-breaking intelligence suggested that URINATING PANDA and it’s close cousin, DEFECATING PANDA, were joining forces to form DIAPERED PANDA and that this extra layer of protection could be a differentiator.

Meanwhile, the marketing director of Fleshpoint Intel was heard to say “There are no Goatse images on the dark web - however the deep web - that’s another story entirely.” When asked to provide further in-depth perspective on this unique threat, the director would only say “it’s a deep, deep, deep web indeed” and dropped the line “we’re hiring” as the interview ended.

As this was happening, a public announcement from PinkEye was released. The bulletin said “Thanks to the engagement of Blandiant and NoSight Partners, we have the finest organization that can meet all of your threat intelligence needs to deal with the Advanced Threat, the Persistent Threat, the Threat, and the Threaty threats”.  PinkEye was then subsequently sued by ThreatButt for copyright infringement, as only ThreatButt has the authorization to use the term “Threaty threats”.

Concurrently, a food fight broke out between SoFaux antivirus and ZitLance over who’s technology really could detect 100% of all the bad things. ZitLance began lobbing hotdogs covered in mustard, and SoFaux responded by holding up umbrellas to create an impenetrable wall to the onslaught of Persistence. As they were holding up the umbrellas, SoFaux’s director of strategy pulled the network cable for ZitLance’s demonstration machines which broke the VirusTotal hash lookup and thus rendered the demo machine quickly into a pile of smoking motherboards. “This isn’t over yet” said the legal director for ZitLance, threatening further action.

OurBore Networks in the meanwhile was publishing press releases claiming that “DoDoS are the most serious threat to your crucial mission critical enterprise availability”, noting that the birds were persistent, and sometimes even advanced. “The number of DoDoS over the years has simply grown to an outrageous amount, and only our PeeFlow system can stop it”. Customers were stunned by the amount of DoDoS circling around their networks, awaiting for the crucial moment.

In other news, Nurse Security was busy dealing with a cleanup on aisle 9. “We aren’t out of the game yet” said their CEO, after firing all of the workforce except the janitor. In the meanwhile, Nurse hats had become a hot commodity in the underground swag trading community, being sold for 100 BTC (just prior to the crash of BTC). The CEO was heard to say “our next Pew Pew map will be second to none”

Within the same time period, HoldemUp Security was active, and had announced a partnership with TieOneOn Global. The director of TieOneOn Global said “our conference, Black T-shirts and Tinfoil Hats, is designed to keep everyone on their toes by providing a disruptive, speculative element surrounding threat attribution. In this way, our unique approach will harden the industry and provide for more meaningful attribution experiences”.