Alp Adventures - Chapter 13

	I rub my full stomach and stretch out my bare feet to the campfire to be warmed while letting out a content sigh. Adjacent to me, seated cross-legged with an annoyed look, my friend chews on a piece of dried meat. Paying him no mind I stretch my arms above my head before letting out a belch that lasts for a couple seconds. I nod a couple times to myself. "Hmm hmm. Decent duration. Good reverberation. Not the depth I would of wanted, but it was alright. Overall... I'll give it a 6. Maaaaaybe a 7." My friend rubs his temples with his free hand, still looking quite annoyed which begins to irritate me. "Bah! C'mon! What crawled up your ass and made you so damned pissy? That time of the month?" He sets aside his jerky onto his bedroll and points a finger at me. "That's kind of rich coming from you and your current predicament. But I'll let it slide for now." I wave a dismissive hand at him and lean back onto the trunk of a tree. He takes a swig of water from his canteen and clears his throat.
	"There are a few questions that need answering and issues that need clarifying. But, I'm willing to compromises for just the answering of one of those questions. Now, I could ask why you suddenly seemed to have some mental breakdown and started wailing like a banshee getting to meet her favorite boy band in person. I could ask why you felt the need to then strangle the life out of some poor woodland creature that looked like it was only trying to cheer you up from said mental breakdown. I could also ask why you then decided to field dress the thing with not one but both of your daggers in what has to have been the most horrific way I've ever seen; while giggling madly to yourself, I might add. I won't begin to touch on the subject of you then setting a rock on fire with whatever magic you have now and then cooking the thing. Personally, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole rock on fire part. But, moving on, I also won't broach the matter of you then eating it all in less time than it took you to do everything else combined without ever even offering me any. But yeah, gods knows how old jerky is just fine, thanks. Oh, and speaking of gods. Did you know you started yelling/mumbling 'Blood for the blood god!' while you had your mouth full? Yeah, that happened. Right now? I'll settle for the answer to one question." He takes a deep breath and exhales it as if breathing out his own irritation. With a fixed, stern gaze he points to my head. "Why is it you felt the need wear the bloody pelt like it's some fancy hat?" With a thoughtful expression I scratch a bit of the partially dried blood from my forehead, crossing my eyes to look at a flake or two that fall onto the end of my nose. "Avant-garde fashion?" Seconds tick by before he shakes his head and stretches out on his bedroll. "I'm going to sleep to hopefully recover from a sudden aneurism. Goodnight." I respond promptly with a chipper "G'night!" before mumbling afterwards "...that's what I thought, bitch." under my breath. Sadly it seems I didn't say it quiet enough, as soon after a canteen is flung directly at my head, landing a blow directly between my eyes and knocking me out into a restless sleep.
	The darkness within my subconscious seems to extend out into an infinite oblivion. Random thoughts and emotions burn their way through the nothingness only to be snuffed out and forgotten almost instantly, swallowed up by the returning wake of emptiness. After what feels to have been both a fraction of a moment and an eternity, the dark expanse of my dream is filled white. It's only after I begin blinking at the sight of the piercing whiteness that I realize I still have my body. I look down at my own hands and then quickly let my arms hang limp. "Oh for fu-...Really? Even in a dream I still have tits and shit? Granted I probly shouldn't call them tits." I grab my own petite breasts and ponder that a moment. "Boobs? Boobies? Tatas? Huh....which one has the right nuance for their size?" My one person debate on the proper terminology to use when referring to my own naughty pillows is cut short by a blast of red hellfire in front of me. From within the inferno a figure clad in spiked black armor adorned with numerous skulls steps out. It towers above me, one hand wielding a massive sword wreathed in flames and a net bag of severed heads, each transfixed in either a look of terror or their final death wail, held within the other hand. With deft movements he spins the sword and stabs it into the whiteness at his side and raises the free hand in greeting and speaks in a thunderous voice. "'Sup."
	Fighting back the trembling of my entire body and with great effort I raise my hand and return the greeting. "H-...Hi?" I bite my lower lip and try to steady my own breathing to calm myself. "I'm....gonna wake up to find out I pissed the bed...aren't I?" The giant figure makes a shrug. "It happens a lot to mortals I visit. Don't feel too bad about it." He brings his hand to the face of his helmet to cover a cough before grabbing his sword once more, raising it high in the air and speaking in a voice that seems to shake my very core. "Ho, mortal traveler! I am Kogruth the blood god! For defeating one of my kinds age old enemies in my honor I shall-" I wave my hand and interrupt him mid-speech. "Wait, wait, wait. Sorry, umm...Kogruth? Yeah, you mean that little animal whatsit?" The helmet dips in a slight nod. "Yes." "It was an 'age old enemy'?" After a slight pause he nods again. "...yes." I let out an audible snort. "Uhh 'kay. Weeeeeeaaaaak." I can almost feel the irritated glare he gives me as he taps a huge foot impatiently. "Sorry, sorry. Please continue, oh powerful blood god Kogruth." The loud sound of a sigh echoes across the empty surroundings before his booming voice starts up again. "For defeating one of my kinds age old enemies.." I let out yet another snort. ".......in my honor I shall grant to you my boon!" At that last word I perk up. "Oooooo! I like boons. Is it a flaming spiky sword like you got?" "Well...no." "Huh....okay. Ah! Maybe like some ability to boil someones blood in their veins? 'Cus that would be kick ass." He shakes his head. "No, no. It's not that. Look, I grant you the ability to have perfect blood pressure for the rest of your mortal days. That's cool too, right? You'll never have to live in fear of stuff like heart disease or a stroke or stuff like that." I slump my shoulders in disappointment and mumble. "Y-yeah...that's uhhh just what I wanted." I suddenly feel like I had every Christmas when I asked for a toy and got some clothes instead. The blood god turns around heads back through the flaming portal he first came through. "You know what? Fuck you. Take your good health and go choke on it, mortal." I try to speak back to him, but nothing comes to mind to say to a god having a hissy fit. When something does come to mind I suddenly find myself unable to speak. No, that's a bit wrong. I find myself unable to even breath. Holy fuck, he was serious about the choking thing! I reach to my throat in a panic and drop to my knees as the white world fades back to black. All at once my senses come back to me and my eyes open to see the morning sun piercing past the leaves of trees. Sitting up in a panic I start coughing a few times until I cough up an acorn that had apparently fallen into my mouth as I slept. I take in many deep breaths and, after calming down, realize that my head is wet. I sigh and pull the cause of that off of one of my horns. It seems the thrown canteen from the night before got pierced and stuck on a horn. Heh, guess that means no water for you, dumbass. I mock my friend for a moment, feeling a tiny bit of superiority. It soon fades away as I find my ass is getting kind of cold. Not just cold, but cold and wet. I ponder how water got from the canteen at my head to my ass for a moment before the realization suddenly dawns on me. "........goddamnit."