I can do this & thoughts.

I don't really know how she feels about me. Up until the few days before my bday I thought she absolutely hated me and didn't care about me and wanted me gone, but she says she still cares, but now she's not saying anything at all. I don't know whats up, let's just go with she's thinking on things, and to not annoy her.
side note: I hope I didn't bother her with my messages, I thought something was up so I was just telling her I hope nothing is wrong because I care about her.

Why isn't she talking though? I don't really know. Maybe it's the Izac thing? Or maybe I did something wrong? Maybe its a test? Maybe she's thinking? Whatever it is though, I'm not going to mess up and upset her. Right Tyler? Right. You were extremely sad a few times, even earlier today. What didn't you do? You didn't try to add her on League or message her on Skype for help. I want to show her I'm not just a big emotional baby, and that I do have control over my emotions and actions. I manage to calm myself down too!
side note: Where is Izac going? I hope it's nothing bad, because I care about him. Yeah I don't know him at all, I don't even know how to spell his name but he's important to her, and that's reason enough. I hope everything is alright.

As for the whole her with Dragon Hunter thing how dumb am I to have thought she preferred him over me. SHE SPENT HOURS DAILY TALKING TO ME. Not Skyping, but still. Ugh, I'm a moron. >_>

I really hope her and Izac are actually just friends. There's no way she'd let me be around otherwise. But hey, even if I feel like she's lying, she's not. I know she's not a liar, and if she is lying, she has reason to. So if I think something isn't true, I'm going to convince myself it is. This was another problem, and I'm overcoming it. ^.^

Why doesn't she see that girl though? I want to show her that is really her. I don't determine who she is as a person, or define who she is, but that girl I describe really is her! If she saw it then maybe she'd see why I felt so like... unworthy in our relationship. I do not deserve an angel, but I had one. HAD. ><

She doesn't think I'm a bad person. She doesn't! Well.. I mean.. I think I am at times. I do. I have very bad self esteem issues, I'm working on it tho, but.. if I rationally think it out, yes, I am a good person. I actively reach out to people who are contemplating suicide and I do all I can to help them, to make them feel better and to make them happy, and to be there for them. I would move a mountain just to make the girl I love happy. I would sacrifice a lot JUST IN CASE it'd help her. I AM a good person. Right? She doesn't think I'm a bad person, and her opinion is very important to me. If she doesn't think it then why should I?
side note: I'm such a hypocrite lol

How do I not beat myself up over the past? So many times she's tried.. so many times I've put an effort in and tried just for life to mess up everything, mess with my bpd, and make me push her away. IT'S NOT EVEN MY FAULT. I wish I could tell her and talk to her about it. I wish she understood what life has been doing to me. http://pastebin.com/ZqpFVwWq I wanted her to try to read that but I can't let her imagine that. That was just THIS MONTH, things like that have been constant for the past 7-8. That kinda of misfortune is just common to me now, and I hate it so much.

"inc 20". I don't want to die. I don't want to leave behind my friends and my mom and my sister. I want to live and be happy. The latter just seems impossible. I've been boxing with life for the past 8 months. Except life is Mike Tyson. The fuel I had to keep fighting is almost gone, but I'm going to try to put up one more fight. I am just so tempted to throw in the towel. I really just need to talk to her about this whole thing. That's what I really need. Not therapy, not medication, but to talk with her.

How do I explain to her why I'm considering suicide? Well.. I'm just so sick and tired of life. The last year has been nothing but life kicking me down, messing with my BPD, and making me lose EVERYTHING. Oh, life drove me to mess up the first time, it's okay, things were okay. Oh, life did shit again, but it's okay. Oh, life did shit again, but hey it's still okay. Oh, life did shit YET AGAIN, but it's fine. Oh.. life did more.. and we're broken up. At least we can be friends. Oh, life yet again being an ass. Alright we recovered from that, it's a bit shaky but we're friends. Oh, life punching me in the face yet again, but it's fine, she's patient. OH GUESS FUCKING WHAT LIFE DOES NEXT? And now she's done, completely done. And you know what? I'm about to be done too. She was the ONE THING, on this entire planet, that could put a smile on my face through all of this. I'm fighting for her one last time, and if that doesn't go well then after I die I can ask whoever is in charge of things why it happened like this.

I can only hope she talks with me soon. Maybe she will on the 20th? I'm just hoping her and I can talk soon, so I can tell her all the stuff I want to tell her, to tell her that I'm better now and it will be okay. I have hope. That's all I have.
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I like how my speaking to myself switches between first and third person so much. But whats the plan Tyler? Uh... I don't really know. I guess it's just to wait and see, keep improving on my problems like I have been, and hope she wants to talk by the 20th.

I've already come so far. I'm stopping myself from clinging, I'm cheering myself up a bit when I'm sad, I'm overcoming my trust issues, I'm not overthinking as much, I'm not spamming her or bothering her, and I'm being more positive. My issues aren't really issues anymore. I really can do this. I can. I can do this. I can beat everything. I can be myself again. I CAN BE MYSELF AGAIN. I.. I can be myself again.

Except with all of this, there's just one big problem. If she doesn't make the effort, then everything falls apart.
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ALRIGHT TYLER YOU MAY HAVE MESSED UP A LOT AND LIFE MAY HAS BEATEN YOU UP FOR THE PAST FUCKING 8 MONTHS BUT SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP AND FIGHT BACK AND LETS PROVE TO HER THAT I CAN BE HER KIRITO. THIS GIRL IS IMPORTANT TO YOU AND YOU CARE ABOUT HER MORE THAN ANYTHING. WHAT TYPE OF KIRITO WOULD I BE IF I JUST PK'D MYSELF WHEN THINGS WERE TOO HARD? I L-O-V-E HER. I TRULY, TRULY LOVE HER. LETS SHOW HER.

Yeah me, you're right. I'm right? Whatever. But I can do this, and her and I can be friends again.

Also, Catherine if you see this, please reach out to me by the 20th. You said you dug through pastebin, maybe you'll see this. Just reach out to me and listen please.