Close to Home 1

>Noon in Equestria
>You sit out on your porch and pluck at your banjo
>It's been three years since you passed out in that bar on A-Street and woke up here
>It was a good night, up until then
>Bruins had just won the Cup, the Garden was packed, and you got to the bar in time to watch those jagoffs in Vancouver riot their Canadian asses off
>Good times...
>Not to say this place is BAD. You've got a house, work, food, everything you need
>And the ponies are pretty nice, even if they can't make chowder to save their lives...
>You play the first few bars of one of your favorite songs back home
>Feels appropriate
>If the days here pass anything like they do back home, it's Saint Patrick's Day
>If it's anything like last year and the year before that, you're the only one who cares
>It's enough to make one at least a little homesick...
>You crack open a beer, hold it up to the sky, and toast
Happy Saint Paddy's Day. Wish I could be theah with ya, guys...
>There's a clopping off to the side
>”You look so down, Anon. Something wrong?”
>Twilight walks up to you as you put the beer down
Nah, I'm just doin' my Saint Paddy's Day thing, Twi
>She cocks her head to the side
>”Is that why you're wearing all that green?”
>She motions towards your shirt, undershirt, and hat
Yep. Irish pride
>”I thought you said you weren't Irish?”
Everyone's Irish on Saint Paddy's Day, Twi
>”What a weird holiday...”
>You sigh
>Every year she asks the same questions about today
>Just doesn't get it, does she?
>”Well, anyway, you'll have to change”
Why?
>”Princess Celestia has invited us all to Canterlot for a banquet”
1/x

Banquet? For what?
>”She didn't say. Just get changed and put on something nice. It's a two-hour train ride there and I am NOT going to be late because of you”
>You put the beer down and get up
>”And Anon?”
Yeah?
>”Drinking at noon? Come on. At least wait until the evening...”
>You look at the beer and groan
>She really doesn't get it
>You walk inside as Twilight leaves to get the rest of the gang
>As you look through your closet for your suit, you mutter to yourself
Friggin' hawses, can't let me have the ONE day a yeah I can celebrate home....
>You yank the suit down from the hangar and root around your dresser for a shirt
Why do I put up with this crap?
>You put on your nice clothes begrudgingly and pick a tie from the rack that Rarity gave you for your birthday last year
>The green one will do
>Even if you can't celebrate your way, you're not about to keep some Princess's royal business from letting you show some pride

>You get to the station at one
>The gangs all there, waiting on you
>They look dressed to the nines
>Twilight stares at you impatiently
>”It's about time, Anon. I was afraid you'd forgotten or something. The train is leaving. Come on!”
Ahright, ahright, I'm comin'. Lighten up, Twi
>”I'm not going to lighten up! The Princess is going to be waiting for us and I'm not going to be late!”
>The train lurches forward as you take your seat across from Rarity and Rainbow Dash
>The unicorn looks at your outfit with an eye of scrutiny
>”Green? But darling, it clashes with your hair... Here, let me fix it”
Leave it
>She looks disappointed
2/x

>You spend the train ride alternately talking with Rainbow about the Wonderbolts and fighting off attempts by Rarity to change your tie
It's fine, Rayah, jesus!
>”Fine! But don't come crying to me when your crimes against fashion come back to haunt you!”
I'll take my chances
>She huffs and looks out the window
>”Philistine...”
>You turn back to Rainbow
So you see this season's lineup for tha Wonderbolts? Looks like the Gryphons are gonna have theyah work cut out for 'em
>”Of course! Those Gryphons don't stand a chance! Wonderbolts all the way!”
Heh, only if they can beat out the fakkin' Phoenixes
>”You say that every year, and they always get knocked out!”
Hey, they've got haht. They'll take it this yeah, fer shuah
>”Pshhhht, whatever you say, man”
>She leans back dismissively
>The Wonderbolts have won the Equestrian Cup every year you've been here
>You've rooted for the Phoenixes ever since you heard about their 'curse'
>They'll win this year, you just know
>You lean over the back of your seat to talk to Twilight
So what's this banquet all about, anyway?
>Twilight looks annoyed
>”I told you, she didn't say, but she invited us up and said we could bring you as a guest, so that's what we're doing”
There any good bahs in Canahlot?
>The purple unicorn rolls her eyes
>”No, Anon, it's not that kind of-”
>Applejack pipes up from across the aisle
>”Sure are! Ah'll show ya around after we eat!”
>Good old AJ
Wicked pissah. I know I'm gonna needa drink aftah this. I don't do fancy dinnahs
>”You 'n me both, Anon”
>”I'm coming too! It'll be great! Just us three!”
>Rainbow sounds excited at the prospect. You're glad you've got some friends to really relate to here
3/x

>The train pulls into the station and the seven of you get off, Twilight leading the group
>You walk through the streets with your hands in your pockets
>Canterlot is a nice enough city. It's a little posh-looking for you, but it's not bad
>You find yourself looking forward to drinking with AJ and Rainbow after dinner
>The thought reminds you
Hey, Twi?
>Twilight responds curtly. She obviously isn't in the mood for questions
>Which is too damn bad for her
If we're havin' dinnah heah, howah we getting' back? Don't the trains stop at like, nine?
>”We're staying at the castle for the night. Celestia is very generous with her favorite student”
>You don't like the proud tone she takes, but you get to stay the night in a friggin' castle, so you're not about to complain
>That might make up for missing out on your little Saint Paddy's Day celebration

>Twilight leads you all to Canterlot Castle in short order. She's clearly memorized the streets the same way she memorizes everything
>All so she can plan every little detail...
>The guards eye you as you pass through the large front doors
>Suspicious of the big ape walking around with Celestia's guests?
>Some things never change, you guess
>You look around at the huge vaulted ceilings and marble columns
>The place looks just like some of the big churches back home
>”We're meeting Celestia and Luna in the Main Hall now, and then the guards will show us to our rooms. Anon, make sure you're presentable”
>Twilight looks back at you
Why'd you single me out, Twi?
>”Because you're the one in that ridiculous green tie”
That's a low blow, Spahkle
>”We're going in. Remember to be respectful”
>The doors open and you all walk in
4/x

>Celestia sits on her throne at the end of the hall, looking softly at Twilight as she approaches
>”Welcome back, my faithful student. I see you've brought your friend Anonymous as well?”
>Twilight and the rest of the gang bow. You stand awkwardly behind them until Twilight's magic pulls you down onto one knee
-urk- Pleashah ta meetcha, Princess
>You look up at the alicorn. She's looking back down at you kindly. You see her features tense up ever so slightly when you speak, though
>”Please, rise, all of you, and welcome to Equestrier- Equestria, Anonymous”
>She clears her throat and looks away for a split second before walking up to you and the group
>You can't help but stare at the slender regent as she comes closer
>Around her neck you see a large gold torc with a green crystal set in the center
>You narrow your eyes slightly
>Isn't that thing usually purple? It's been purple in like, every picture you've seen
>Weird
>”I'll have the guards show you all to your rooms. My student and I have some catching-up to do”
>Celestia smiles as she speaks and you're led out of the hall by a large armored unicorn
>There's something...off, with the Princess, you think. Like something isn't quite right...
>The guard opens a large door and beckons you inside
>”Here's your room, sir. The banquet is at six”
Thanks
>He leaves quickly and you walk around the space, looking at the place until Rainbow wanders in
>”Hey, Anon. Nice rooms, right?”
I'll say. These Canahlot ponies like it fancy, huh?
>”Yeah. So we've got a couple hours to kill. Want to see the town or something?”
Sounds boss. Let's go
5/x

>You and Rainbow get back just in time for the banquet
>The two of you spent the afternoon wandering around town looking for bars to go to after dinner with AJ
>You found a couple promising leads, but with the sun starting to hang low in the sky, you decided to call it quits and head back to the castle
>The Great Hall is full of ponies sitting at long tables
>Seated at the large central table are the rest of your friends, right next to the ornate chair at the head of the table, where Celestia will no doubt be sitting
>You take your seats at the table and wait for the Princess to arrive
>It's not a long wait; Celestia strides into the Hall with Luna following her after a couple of minutes
>She addresses the assembled ponies
>”My loyal subjects, thank you for coming here tonight to share a dinner with me”
>A low murmur comes up from the tables
>”I'm sure many of you are wondering why I've decided to invite so many of my little ponies to my table...”
>The murmur increases as rumors start to spread across the tables
>”But I'm afraid the reason is much less interesting than what you're probably imagining”
>The smile on her face is equal parts alluring and infuriating
>”I simply wanted to share tonight's meal with you all and speak with some of my subjects, should they want to. So 'bon apetit!”
>She waves a hoof and a legion of waiters comes into the room bearing platters of all sorts of different foods
>A unicorn places a silver tray in front of you and uncovers it to reveal...
>Boiled potatoes, cabbage, and corned...manticore?
>You slowly turn your head to the Princess in utter astonishment
6/x

>Rainbow peers at your plate and sticks her tongue out, grimacing
>”Looks like you got the short straw, eh, Anon?”
>You realize you're staring at Celestia and turn back to the cyan mare
Not at all, Rainbow. Couldn't ask fuh bettah
>You dig in, overjoyed that you can have your Saint Paddy's Day boiled dinner after all
>Out the corner of your eye you can see Celestia let out a sigh and start eating her own meal, which looks to be some kind of clover salad
>It's almost like she- no, that'd be crazy...
>You eat your food in silence, devouring every bite with gusto
>Once you've cleared your place, you look up again to see Twilight and Rarity looking at you agape
>You see their looks of horror and look up at the Princess, who's looking at you intently
>She laughs softly before speaking to you
>”I take it you enjoyed the food, Anonymous?”
Please, just call me 'Anon,' yuh Highness. And yeah, it was great. I didn't know you ponies, uh, DID meat...
>”We have to cater to our Gryphon guests when they come on business. Manticore is surprisingly tender, isn't it?”
>Twilight pales at the Princess's comment
>It makes you grin to see the uptight unicorn so off her game
Well, thanks fuh cat'ring to ME, Princess. I haven't had a meal that good in f'revah
>”I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I certainly hope you've saved room for dessert, though”
>You think for a moment
What's fuh dessert?
>”I had our chefs whip up an old favorite of mine: A crème-cake with chocolate glaze. You MUST try some”
>She doesn't- She couldn't mean-
>The platters come out
>Boston Creme Pie
>Your eyes go wide and you whisper under your breath
You're fakkin' kidding me...
7/x

>Pinkie scarfs down an entire slice in the time it takes you to recover from the shock of seeing the cake in front of you
>”Something wrong, Anon?”
>Celestia's holding back a grin, you can tell
Nothing at all, Princess. Just wonnering how you know so many of my fav'rite foods
>”I'm the Princess, Anon. I know a lot about my subjects”
You asked Twilight, didn't you?
>”...maybe”
>You burst out laughing
>Twilight looks mortified
>Celestia smiles wide
>”I can see why you've made such fast friends with these ponies, Anon. Thank you for taking my little game in stride”
Princess, where I'm from, stuff like this was my everyday
>You laugh, relieved that you weren't having your mind read or something
>The cake is delicious. Reminds you of home
>The rest of the banquet goes with a much lighter atmosphere for you
>Without that hanging suspicion, you're free to talk and mingle until the end of the evening
>Celestia retires to her quarters and you, Rainbow, and AJ head out to find a pub
8/x

>Hours later
>AJ told you she'd find a pub, and boy, did she
>You stumble to your room at some ungodly hour,  unable to make out the clock in the dark
>As you slump into bed, you think you hear something further down the hall
>It's faint, barely audible, but you swear you hear it
>You get up and wobble towards the door
>The sound is a little louder...
>...
>...is that music?
>Maybe it's just the booze making you hear things, but you'd swear there's music coming from way down the hall...
>You step into the corridor and start moving towards the noise, steadying yourself against the wall with one hand, groping in front of you for obstacles with the other
>The sound gets ever so slightly louder as you walk down the hall, until you get to a split in the path
>You keep going towards the sound, curiosity getting the better of you and driving you forward in your  half-stupor
>Eventually, when you've weaved your way through the maze of hallways, you come to a large door at the end of a corridor
>You put your ear to the door and, though still quiet, the sound is unmistakably music...
>...Wait...
>You know this song
>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Yg8MuaWMT0&feature=player_detailpage#t=169s
The fack?
>You listen intently as the haze slowly clears and you can make out a voice that doesn't fit
>It's higher
>...Prettier
>Fem-
>Hold up...
>Your hand goes to the knob and you find that the door is unlocked
>Slowly, silently, you push the door open to look inside...
>...And see Princess Celestia singing along with some kind of glowing crystal ball in the middle of the room
9/x

>In shock, you lose your balance and fall forward, flinging the door open with a resounding crash
>Celestia whips around and as you regain your senses, you can see she's wearing a green hoodie
>You're unable to even begin to process what's going on, so all you can say is
The fack's goin' on eah?
>Celestia stares at you, wide-eyed, for a good thirty second and quickly covers the crystal ball, silencing the music
>Her horn glows and the door behind you shuts
>”Uh....”
>You wobble to your feet, speechless
>”H...appy Saint Paddy's Day?”
…
>”...Have fun at the bah?”
>You faint
End