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Errant-Tome

Alternate Realities 001

May 7th, 2013
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  1. [My name is Anonymous. I write this journal in the event I meet my unfortunate end in the bizarre travels I find myself flung into. In the short time away from home I've nearly died four times, and twice more faced fates far worse. Every new location I find myself in seems more caustic and dangerous than the last. At least, besides the one I currently reside, which is why I managed to start writing this log. I'm all but certain the next place I find myself will not be nearly as forgiving.]
  2.  
  3. [It's funny, really. The last thing I expected to happen to me was this. Even including the time 2 years ago when I first got transported to magical horse land. But after that kind of time I'd come to accept it. This... this is something even more unbelievable. To think that this kind of magic could exist, even in a place as fantastical as Equestria, is stunning.]
  4.  
  5. [But enough rambling, my time in a world of safety is probably quite limited. I guess I should start with how this all got started. I remember it like it was yesterday...]
  6.  
  7. [...Oh, right. It was yesterday. Whatever.]
  8.  
  9. ===
  10.  
  11. “Mornin' Twlilight. How goes the spell research?”
  12.  
  13. >You duck through the door to the treebrary, as you had innumerable times before. It was bothersome at first, but people can get used to anything, most of all you. You had always adapted to whatever situation you found yourself in alarmingly well. So when you suddenly found yourself laying in the middle of a town full of colorful talking ponycreatures completely naked and very clearly no longer thrusting into your girlfriend, it was only about a week before you had made something of a life for yourself.
  14.  
  15. >”Good morning Anonymous. It's going quite well, I'd say.”
  16.  
  17. “Come on, I've told you a thousand times to just call me Anon. And why's that?”
  18.  
  19. >”Because,” the elation entering her voice is intensely obvious, “I've finally perfected the most powerful spell I've ever seen!”
  20.  
  21. >The spells, yes. Part of that life you made was helping Twilight in her endless pursuit of magical knowledge. You'd like to say it was because of some amazing latent ability that your kind inherently possessed but never knew about, but no, all the magic of this world affected you like it would any pony or other such creature. It's just that most of them were a little... hesitant to be used as magical guinea pigs. Honestly sometimes you thought you should have been too, what with all the ridiculous wacky hijinks that tended to come about as a result of the tests.
  22.  
  23. “Oh yeah? What kind of spell?”
  24.  
  25. >”That's the best part! I have no idea!”
  26.  
  27. >A sudden sense of dread overtook you. Partially because the last time she cast a spell she didn't know anything about, you grew a second head that liked to loudly shout all of your deepest innermost thoughts at the top of your collective lungs. Rarity still kept a way eye on you to make sure you weren't going to “spank dat delicious marshmallowy plot” as the head had so eloquently put it.
  28.  
  29. “Oh... greeeeat...”
  30.  
  31. >”Don't be like that, I'm sure it'll be fine.”
  32.  
  33. “When has it ever been fine?”
  34.  
  35. >The purple unicorn ponders for a moment. “Uh, hm. Oh come on, it'll be fun!”
  36.  
  37. “You are entirely too enthusiastic about this.”
  38.  
  39. >”I'd say you just weren't enthusiastic |enough|. Now come on, put your crash helmet on, in case I end up just inverting your gravity again.”
  40.  
  41. “...Fine.”
  42.  
  43. >You walk over to the “designated magic location”, so clearly designated by the great amount of scorch marks all over the floor around it, as well as some blood stains that just refused to come out. Every time you saw the spot you thought how strange it was that sometimes you really wished the stains all came from |your| blood. Turns out bring in creatures from other worlds did sometimes end in telefragging. In a reversed fashion, luckily for you.
  44.  
  45. >You strapped the helmet on, mentally thanking it for all the times it kept your brains safely inside your skull. Twilight moved into position across from you, in the “designated magic casting location”, much less dramatically marked by only a single, deep gash in the floor, from the time she turned you into a weretimberwolf. You still couldn't get the smell of cedar out of that pair of pants. Twilight spread her legs out and braced herself.
  46.  
  47. >”Alright, ready Anon?”
  48.  
  49. “As I'll ever be. Light me up.”
  50.  
  51. >The purple horn began to glow with crackling energy, a familiar sight in your line of work. Though this time, the charging time was much longer than normal. … Really, really long, in fact. It was starting to worry you. Moreso when the low, intensifying screeching noise started.
  52.  
  53. “Uh... Twilight?”
  54.  
  55. >Loose papers started flying through the air around the living magical cannon, as the sound not unlike a jet engine warming up got louder and louder, until you could barely hear anything else. None of the spells you'd ever been the target of were ever this powerful. Clearly, you were about to die.
  56.  
  57. “TWILIGHT!!!”
  58.  
  59. >The deafening screech was abruptly replaced with an ear-shattering crack, and everything went black.
  60.  
  61. ---------
  62.  
  63. >You awoke some indefinite amount of time later, something only moments ago you were sure you'd never do again. Sitting up, you inspected your body for any signs of horrific mutilation. You counted 10 fingers, 2 arms, 2 legs, and all the other body parts you'd grown quite attached to in life. Standing up, you take the helmet off, also in no worse condition than before. After a moment, you realized you were in Applejack's barn.
  64.  
  65. “...Seriously? Just a teleportation spell? You crazy purple rafnrglarbl...”
  66.  
  67. >Your statement to no one trailed off into indecipherable muttering as you made your way out of the barn. It was now sometime in the middle of the night, so you must have been out for some time. You spotted Applejack trotting towards you with a moderately confused look on her face.
  68.  
  69. >”Anon? What are ya doin in the barn? I didn't even see you go in.”
  70.  
  71. “Twilight.”
  72.  
  73. >”Ah.” This was all the explanation you ever needed. Her expression turned brighter after this understanding. “Well, ahm glad yer here, it's about that time anyway.”
  74.  
  75. >Your own expression went in the reverse direction.
  76.  
  77. “...About time for what?”
  78.  
  79. >“You know what.” Her voice and face suddenly turned strangely seductive as she turned around and stuck her orange flank into the air. This only proved to further befuddle you.
  80.  
  81. “Um... I think there's been some kind of immense misunderstanding.”
  82.  
  83. >Applejack stood back up normally, but did not turn around. “Oh, come now, quit foolin'. Ah know there's no way you can forget that today's my day of the week to get some of that hot human lovin.”
  84.  
  85. “...Excuse me? ...Okay, now I'm really confused... I think I just need to go find Twilight and-”
  86.  
  87. >The apple pony quickly cut you off as you started to walk away. “Ooohh no. Ah've been waitin' all week fer this. It's all that keeps me goin' these days. Now get back in the barn and get outta them fancy pants a yours.”
  88.  
  89. >This situation was quickly growing out of hand. You had to think of something fast, before you were forced into something you'd greatly regret. Suddenly, you raised your arm and pointed off into the distance behind your diminutive equine assaulter.
  90.  
  91. “Look! Apples!”
  92.  
  93. >”Where!?”
  94.  
  95. >Wasting no time, you bolted off in the direction of Ponyville. Applejack was quick to find there were in fact no apples, and shortly gave chase. You needed to find Twilight, and fast.
  96.  
  97. ---
  98.  
  99. >You basically crashed through the door to the treebrary in your mad sprint. Luckily, you had managed to lose the deranged applebeast by hiding in a tree, though you were somewhat perplexed as to why she didn't think to check in the things she worked with literally every day. But it was of no consequence. You had a purple pony to find, and possibly strangle.
  100.  
  101. “Twilight! Where the hell are you!? I've got a big problem here!”
  102.  
  103. >The subject of your search stepped into the main foyer, strangely oblivious to your demeanor. “Anon, there you are. You're not usually this late.”
  104.  
  105. >You quickly ran over and grabbed Twilight by the forelegs and held her up in front of you.
  106.  
  107. “Twilight, you bloody fool! I don't know what the hell that spell did to me, but now suddenly Applejack apparently wants to fuck me and was chasing me but I hid in a tree and now I'm kinda tired and a little hungry and I'm probably going to hurt you if you don't fix this and what do you mean late?”
  108.  
  109. >Your panicked rant managed to somewhat perturb the magical horse in your grasp, which did put your mind somewhat at ease.
  110.  
  111. >”She what? Gah, alright, put me down, I'll have a talk with her.”
  112.  
  113. >Your relief was downright palpable as you set Twilight back on the floor. Almost as if on cue, Applejack nearly kicked the poor abused treebrary's door off it's hinges. She leapt into the room, eyes wild with lust.
  114.  
  115. >”Aha! There ya are!”
  116.  
  117. >Twilight put herself between you and the deranged treekicker. “Applejack! What's the matter with you?”
  118.  
  119. >”Whaddya mean what's the matter with me, what's the matter with |you|? Today's mah day, and I ain’t gonna let nopony steal it from me!”
  120.  
  121. >Twilight gives her friend a disapproving stare. ”Applejack, it's Sunday.”
  122.  
  123. >”Whuh? ...Aw, darnit! Ah really need to get a calendar or somethin.”
  124.  
  125. >As Applejack appeared to calm down, you breathed a sigh of relief. Though after a moment you realize it may have been premature. Something about this conversation didn't seem right. What significance did Sunday have? You recalled in that first conversation you didn't understand something about it being “her day of the week”. So who's was it? And why were you giving this absurdity any amount of rational thought? The abrupt appearance of four other familiar ponies from somewhere else in the library once again filled your heart with dread.
  126.  
  127. >Rainbow Dash spoke up first. “Hey, Anon's here! Finally, we can get started.”
  128.  
  129. “What.”
  130.  
  131. >Rarity continued. ”Oh I do just love Sundays. A refined pony such as myself really needs the stress relief of Orgy Day.”
  132.  
  133. “WHAT.”
  134.  
  135. >Pinkie was bouncing happily around the group. “Orgy day! Orgy day! It's orgy day! Hey Fluttershy don't you just love orgy day?”
  136.  
  137. “Hey, uh...”
  138.  
  139. >Fluttershy giggled. “Oh yes. Like Rarity, today's the only day I really get to |let loose|. Now Anon, I hope you don't mind, but I went ahead and moved up a size. After all, you did say you were ready to 'take it to the next level', so to speak.”
  140.  
  141. >With what could only be described as abject horror, you watched the yellow-furred pony pull an absolutely tremendous horsecock strapon out of somewhere you'd rather not think too hard about. Your addled mind came back to it's senses very fast as you put the pieces together.
  142.  
  143. “Oh no. No, no no no NO NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
  144.  
  145. >You could only cower in the corner as the six lustful ponies closed in. You could barely hear the screeching sound over your own screams.
  146.  
  147. ---------
  148.  
  149. >You're not totally sure when you stopped screaming. Eventually, you had to notice that your every orifice was |not| being brutally violated, and that you were in fact no longer in the treebrary, but somewhere in the middle of Ponyville, with quite a few confused ponies staring at you.
  150.  
  151. >“Anon, are you okay? You just started randomly screaming again. Are the demons that live in your pants back?”
  152.  
  153. >Taking a brief assessment of your current situation, you find yourself in Ponyville town square. Lyra stood next to you, quizzical of your outburst but not at all surprised by it.
  154.  
  155. “...Lyra? Where... I was just at Twilight's... and everyone was going to...”
  156.  
  157. >The pastel green pony cuts off your nonsensical rambling. “Aw, did you blank out again? We haven't been to Twilight's in 4 days. I could have sworn the gaps were getting shorter, but whatever; we'll get you some more medicine at the vet next week. Now come on, We've got more shopping to do.”
  158.  
  159. >The sudden forceful yank at your throat nearly sends you completely off balance. Stumbling a bit, you find a leather collar around your throat, the leash cord attached to it leading to a brace around one of Lyra's forelegs. You stood there a moment, attempting to process this bizarre new bit of information, but that only prompted another yank at your collar. You decided thinking and walking was the best recourse.
  160.  
  161. >This was turning into quite the strange day.
  162.  
  163. ---
  164.  
  165. >An hour or two of shopping done, you and your newfound master eventually arrived back at her modest cottage. You had done your best to ignore the indignity of being led around like some kind of simple animal, and in fact several times tried to explain to your apparent caretaker that you were not as rock-stupid as she had evidently believed, but any explanations you tried to give were brushed off as the rantings of a madman. At least she had undone the leash, giving you |some| control over your movements. You had a brief look around the place before hearing three clunks against hollow plastic.
  166.  
  167. >Looking back, you notice Lyra had just dropped three apples into a small, green plastic food dish. “Anon” was displayed prominently on it's side in large, black letters. You studied it for a moment, perplexed, before calmly addressing the unicorn standing over it, watching you expectantly.
  168.  
  169. “...What the fuck is this?”
  170.  
  171. >Her disposition droops moderately. “Oh, come on, don't tell me you forgot how to eat again. Look, you just open and close your mouth while the food's inside, like this.” She exaggeratedly demonstrates the basic act of chewing.
  172.  
  173. “I know how to eat, Lyra. Why is it on the floor?”
  174.  
  175. >”Because the last time I put it up anywhere, you nearly gave yourself a concussion by trying to eat through the underside of the table.”
  176.  
  177. >You stared blankly for a moment, trying to imagine any creature that mercilessly clueless. Without breaking eye contact, you slowly stoop down and pick up one of the apples, taking a slow, determinative bite. This seems to please her far more than it probably should.
  178.  
  179. >”Wow, such progress. You didn't pick up the bowl by mistake or anything. I'm putting this on the achievements board.”
  180.  
  181. >Lyra plodded over to a large whiteboard on the wall next to the fridge. The title “Anonymous's Achievements” was emblazoned across the top, above a list of amazing feats such as “Drank water from bowl without drowning”, “Went a whole day without trying to eat shoes”, “Used toilet properly with only minor spillage”, and finally, “Ate apple”. The pen floats back onto it's holding tray, as Lyra turns around, grinning widely at you. Your own expression had yet to change from it's emotionless mask of befuddlement. You pull a chair away from the kitchen island, taking a seat as you begin trying to figure out just what in the everfreefuck was going on.
  182.  
  183. “Lyra, about how long have I been living here with you, would you say?”
  184.  
  185. >”Well aren't you just a curious little fellow today! At this rate you might even remember things overnight!”
  186.  
  187. “Please answer my question.”
  188.  
  189. >”Oh, of course mister big boy.” She winks knowingly at you, like one would when playing along with a child trying to be as adult as possible. “You've lived here with me and Bonny ever since I found you in the woods 2 years ago, trying to gnaw the bark off a tree. You thought you were a beaver, it was so cute!” She giggles lightly at the memory.
  190.  
  191. “I see. And judging from this... 'achievements'... board, among other things, I've not been the brightest tack in the crayon shed, have I?”
  192.  
  193. >Her expression turns to mock surprise. “Oh, heavens no. Why, it's all we can do to keep you from strangling yourself with the bedsheets every night.”
  194.  
  195. >Your impromptu interview is interrupted by the front door swinging open. Bon Bon walks in, her saddlebags full of her own day's shopping. She dully regards the both of you, before picking up on the significance of the situation.
  196.  
  197. >”Hey Lyra, hey stupid. ...Well, look who's sitting at the table like they have any actual control over their center of balance.”
  198.  
  199. >You raise your hand, palm outwards, to silence her.
  200.  
  201. “Not now, candyass, we're on the verge of a breakthrough. Now, Lyra. Given all the circumstantial evidence to my previous level of intelligence, what would you say is the explanation for the fact that I am now completely lucid, and perfectly capable of keeping myself from trying to eat anything that doesn't move, and can carry on a intelligible conversation with the both of you?”
  202.  
  203. >Her playful attitude had long since fallen away, and she looked at the floor in legitimate contemplation. It seems you'd finally gotten through.
  204.  
  205. >”Well... Obviously I must be a better teacher than I thought, and all that stuff I taught you just got backed up somehow, and has now broken free to come into play all at once!”
  206.  
  207. >Or not.
  208.  
  209. “I don't think learning works like that.”
  210.  
  211. >”This morning you didn't think at all,” Bon Bon chides. You turn your attention abruptly to her, realizing she may have been your only hope of actually getting somewhere.
  212.  
  213. “That's exactly my point. People don't usually go through such radical changes in personality as abruptly as I seem to have. Much less do they do so with no prior knowledge of their former selves.”
  214.  
  215. >”You could just have amnesia.”
  216.  
  217. “Right, sure. And I just 'forgot' all that devastating stupidity I was so laden with.”
  218.  
  219. >Lyra comes back from whatever little world of thought she was in. “So, what are you saying?”
  220.  
  221. “I'm saying that I'm not the Anon you both know and... well, love may be a strong word. Tolerate, maybe. I'm saying that I'm a completely different Anon, that has found myself in the shoes of one so much more unfortunate than myself.”
  222.  
  223. >Bon Bon turns to her housemate. “He's got a point. I don't remember any of his rants being this logical, or devoid of spittle. But that still doesn't explain what |did| happen.”
  224.  
  225. “That... I do not know, unfortunately. But I've got a hunch it had something to do with that spell Twilight cast on me this morning.”
  226.  
  227. >”What was the spell supposed to do?”
  228.  
  229. “She didn't know.”
  230.  
  231. > Bon Bon tisks. ”Typical.”
  232.  
  233. “Tell me about it.”
  234.  
  235. >A silence falls over the room, as you each figure out how to progress. Lyra is the first to break the silence.
  236.  
  237. >”So, what now?”
  238.  
  239. “Now? Now, I think I need to go pay Twilight a visit, maybe get some clearer answers on this ridiculous farce.”
  240.  
  241. >Sliding back the chair, you take to your feet and confidently head for the door. It felt good to at least be treated like an equal again, at least by these two. Though before you can reach the door, a light green aura snags that damnable collar you forgot you were wearing, choking the confidence right out of you.
  242.  
  243. >”Hold on there mister. You know you can't go out alone.”
  244.  
  245. “Oh for- I thought we were past this. I told you, I'm not the dumbfuck human you took to raising, I'm perfectly capable of holy god damn shit why is that so |loud|!?”
  246.  
  247. >The screeching drowns out the concerned inquiry from the two mares, as you crumple to the floor clutching your head. It was as if a million jerks with airhorns had just invaded your skull, all blasting at once. When the cacophonous din finally gave way to an even louder explosion, you didn't even care that everything in existence had turned to black nothingness.
  248.  
  249. ---------
  250.  
  251. >Okay, so it wasn't everything. You had just shut your eyes really tight. Letting light return to you, you stand up and find yourself somewhere deep in the Everfree Forest.
  252.  
  253. “Aw come on! This is getting ridiculous.”
  254.  
  255. > Scratching at your neck, you find that stupid collar was still coiled around it. You undo the strap and hurl it at the ground in disgust. After a moment, you realize something important. You were somewhere deep in the Everfree Forest. The place full of manticores and cockatrices and dragons and all manner of other ludicrously dangerous creatures. Even with the abilities of your six friends at your side you tended to avoid this place. All the more reason to start skedaddling toward the Treebrary.
  256.  
  257. >Before you can even take a step, though, you feel a hot breath on the back of your unbound neck. Turning slowly, you find one of those manticores you were thinking about earlier. The two of you stare each other down.
  258.  
  259. “...Huh.”
  260.  
  261. >With the manliest of terrified shrieks, you pivot around and tear ass in the other direction. The manticore gives chase. They always gave chase. You did your best to swerve in and out around trees, desperately trying to put some distance between you and the amalgamate beast. It wasn't working. You could have sworn manticores were terrible at making turns. Or maybe that was crocodiles. Did manticores have any crocodile in them? It could have been alligators. But those may have been good at turning. Tree.
  262.  
  263. >Taking a hard lesson in letting your mind wander while being chased by deadly mythological creatures, you slide down the side of the tree, rubbing a bit of bark off with your teeth. If you weren't so dazed from the impact, you'd think that maybe you had more in common with the Anon Lyra thought you were after all. Spitting out flakes of rough plant matter, you flip over to put your back against the tree, and find the manticore slowly walking forwards. You could only press your body further against the tree in a futile attempt to get further away, as the creature raises it's tremendous paw in preparation for the killing strike. Shutting your eyes, you await the end.
  264.  
  265. >“Yeee-haw!”
  266.  
  267. >You'd know that yeehaw anywhere. You open your eyes just in time to see an orange blur careen into the side of the manticore. In an instant, the manticore was gone, and in it's place was the small, familiar apple-marked pony you couldn't have been any happier to see. Your joy was almost enough to not wonder what the bloody hell happened to the manticore, but a quick glance to the sky showed it rocketing over the horizon, out of sight in only a few seconds. Admiring her handiwork (hoofdiwork?), she turns to you as you sputter out a greeting.
  268.  
  269. “Applejack... what...”
  270.  
  271. >”Ah'm sorry Anon, I know he was yours and all, but I jest couldn't resist an openin' like that. You can have the next'n.”
  272.  
  273. >You were starting to run out of adjectives strong enough to properly describe just how confused you were at this spiraling situation. But there was time for that later. Right now, you had an objective, spacial anomalies be damned. Straight up shaking the confusion off, you get up up, dust yourself off, and regard your savior with a look of determination.
  274.  
  275. “Nevermind that. I need to get to Twilight's, as soon as possible.”
  276.  
  277. >”Really? Ah can't remember the last time you cut our weekly manticore fightin' short.”
  278.  
  279. >Weekly manticore fight- no. Time was of the essence, you could be confused later. The stalwart expression you retained seemed to get the message across.
  280.  
  281. >”Well, ahright.” Her concern melts away in an instant. “Ah'll race ya.”
  282.  
  283. >Before you could even put into motion the necessary electrical synaptic signals to object, Applejack was off like a rocket. Like, a literal rocket. You weren't sure even Rainbow could move that fast. Taking a moment to recover your jaw from the ground, you scramble off after her at a comparatively pathetic pace.
  284.  
  285. ---
  286.  
  287. >”You sure yer alright there, Anon? Usually ya can keep up with me at least halfway.”
  288.  
  289. >Resting on your hands and knees in the middle of town desperately gasping for breath was hard enough without this unearthly strong earth pony bugging you about things you were sure were completely impossible, had you not seen them with your own eyes. Maybe that's what the spell was; like a huge blast of magical LSD, and you were tripping so hard you just thought everything around you was trying to rape you, or thought you were retarded, or was kicking her friend through a building like you noticed one pony doing right now. And then they both laughed. Hopefully your friends would understand why you had been running around acting like a lunatic and talking to ponies that weren't there.
  290.  
  291. >Thankfully, you spotted your destination up ahead. Applejack trotted alongside you at a more logically sound speed, still giving you a weird look from time to time as you sluggishly stumbled towards the hollowed out tree dwelling. Finally, you were going to get some answers, and not a damn thing was going to stop you. With your remaining strength, you angrily kick the door to open it as dramatically as possible.
  292.  
  293. >This only serves to hurt your foot. While you hop around holding it and muttering obscenities, AJ approaches the door.
  294.  
  295. >”Let me get that fer ya, sugarcube.”
  296.  
  297. >For the second time today, you watch as Applejack kicks this poor door open. This time, however, it nearly atomizes as her two orange organic pistons strike it with earth-shattering force. Not wasting the opportunity, you use your rage-fueled second wind of strength to jump across the threshold, shouting into the foyer as the door crashes into a bookshelf opposite it.
  298.  
  299. “Twilight! Get out here! I need to talk to you!”
  300.  
  301. >A moment later, and your purple quarry emerges from the back, not even giving a second of attention to the destruction of her precious books.
  302.  
  303. >”Hey Anon, AJ, what's up?”
  304.  
  305. “Don't give me that 'what's up' crap, you know damn well what's up.”
  306.  
  307. >”Is this about that sandwich of yours? Look, I told you after you kicked me through the ceiling and we had that mid-air brawl that I was sorry I ate it and I'd buy your lunch next time we were out.”
  308.  
  309. “No, I- ...what? No, listen. Ever since you cast that spell on me this morning, it's like the whole world has stopped making sense! Everyone I come across acts weird, or in some cases performs complete impossibilities, and it's starting to grate on me.”
  310.  
  311. >Twilight looks as bewildered as every other pony you've asked a similar question of. “I didn't cast any spells on you this morning. In fact, besides the sandwich fight I haven't seen you all day.”
  312.  
  313. >You put a hand to your face. You so desperately wanted this whole stupid day to be over.
  314.  
  315. “Alright, fine. Clearly the spell has done some serious damage to the timeline, as well as making me totally crazy. Or making everyone around me crazy. But the point is it did something, and now I can't make heads or tails of anything that happens anymore, and more importantly, you need to fix it.”
  316.  
  317. >Twilight goes contemplative again, rubbing her chin with a hoof like she always did. Soon, she starts to do the only thing that's made sense all day, and attempts to approach this problem logically.
  318.  
  319. >“Okay Anon. So what exactly happened to you this morning, if you don't remember the same things I do?”
  320.  
  321. >Over the next 10 minutes or so, you explain everything that's happened thus far. You explain your sudden terrifying experience with a town full of rapists, the demeaning time as some kind of retarded pet, and, most recently, your total incredulity at the insane power of everyone present, and the fact that it was evidently seen as completely normal. Intermittently the two questioned a few details, but for the most part stayed silent as Twilight formulated her hypothesis, and Applejack thought about apples or something. Reaching the current time in your story, you sit back down at the main table the three of you had moved to, with no more need for overdramatic mimed demonstrations of your outlandish journey.
  322.  
  323. >”That's quite a story, Anon.”
  324.  
  325. “It is, isn't it? Now, please tell me you have some idea as to what's happening to me.”
  326.  
  327. >”I think I do... but you're not going to like it.”
  328.  
  329. “I don't care, if you've got any inkling of an idea, moreso a solution, spill it.”
  330.  
  331. >”Well-”
  332.  
  333. >The purple librarian is cut off by the sudden explosion that tears a hole in the previously undamaged side of the treebrary. When the dust settles, you see an angry but still cocky Rainbow Dash staring daggers at you.
  334.  
  335. >”There you are, Anonymous! If you think you can just feed a pony to a hydra and get off scott free you've got another thing coming!”
  336.  
  337. “Wait-”
  338.  
  339. >Despite the next event taking place faster than you can comprehend, you actually managed to wonder which part it was the one that knocked you unconscious; the kick to the chest that made you forget the entire concept of ribs, or the impact from crashing spine-first into the wall with enough force to shoot right through it like a bullet.
  340.  
  341. ---
  342.  
  343. >Intense pain reaches your subconscious before anything else. Forcing your eyelids open for what is surely one too many times today, you find the three prime examples of each pony race looking over you. Rainbow was the first to speak up.
  344.  
  345. >”Hey, sorry Anon. Twilight filled me in while you were out. If I had know you were from a whole 'nother reality I wouldn't have kicked you halfway to Sweet Apple Acres like that.”
  346.  
  347. “No, no, it's fine,” you grunt through the waves of pain, “I always wondered what it'd be like if my bones were made of sand. ...Wait, what's that about another reality?”
  348.  
  349. >”It's what I was trying to tell you before Dash came busting in here quite literally,” Twilight says. “I think what the other Twilight cast on you was a Parallel Universe Transportation spell.”
  350.  
  351. >Parallel universes. Great. You suddenly wished it |was| just some kind of magical drug trip. At least those didn't actually send you to any of the bizarre places you visited during them.
  352.  
  353. “...Well. I guess that explains why everyone I meet acts different and thinks I'm someone I'm not. ...But why would it keep happening? I thought most spells only worked once.”
  354.  
  355. >Twilight turns to flip through a heavily weathered book she had open on the table. ”Most spells |do| only work once. But if this is the spell I think it is, then it's got a built-in recursive catch that allows it to work quite a few more times, possibly infinitely.”
  356.  
  357. >Even with her tenuous understanding of the situation, Rainbow picks up on the obvious issue at hand. “Why would anypony want a spell like that to keep going off over and over?”
  358.  
  359. >”That's part of the reason nopony ever casts it anymore. The initial idea was that the target of the spell would have some modicum of control over what universe they went to each time, but that never worked out very well. So whoever wrote it added the recursive function in case the jumper accidentally went to a reality that wasn't so friendly.”
  360.  
  361. “Tell me about it.”
  362.  
  363. >Applejack seems perplexed. “Hold up, you said 'whoever wrote it', didn't ya? Ah thought that one bearded feller you like to dress up as every now and again wrote mosta the spells around here?”
  364.  
  365. >”That's part of the other reason it never gets used; it's an extremely powerful spell. Something like this was beyond even Starswirl's abilities. I'm astounded my other self could even cast it, let alone read it.”
  366.  
  367. >”If there's anything you can do in any universe,” Rainbow scoffs, “It's read.”
  368.  
  369. >”Even so, it's written in a long-dead language that predates even Celestia's reign. We only managed to translate it barely a week ago.”
  370.  
  371. “That seems unusually convenient, but I'll take what I can get. So how do we reverse it?”
  372.  
  373. >The way Twilight looks away uneasily does not fill you with any shining rays of hope.
  374.  
  375. “Oh. Of course. That would be too easy, wouldn't it? I swear if I ever get back to my universe I'm throttling the you that's there.”
  376.  
  377. >She smiles weakly, trying to keep a light attitude about your situation. “I know there's no way to reverse it |yet|, but I'm sure after a few weeks of study I can surely figure-”
  378.  
  379. “A few weeks?! Ghurh...” Your sudden outburst reminds you why you'd been carefully avoiding any movement since you woke up. “Look, I don't have a few weeks. I don't even have a few days! The stupid spell goes off every couple of hours, hurling me somewhere even |worse| every time. Maybe all the ponies in the next place I end up will want to eat me, or sacrifice me to Celestia, or have a nice little tea party.”
  380.  
  381. >“That last one doesn't sound so ba-”
  382.  
  383. “I hate tea parties!!”
  384.  
  385. >”Anon, try to calm down. This much exertion can't be good for you in your condition. I know it seems bad, but I think I've got a spell that can negate the effects of the transportation spell, if only temporarily. I'll go have a fightchat with Celestia, I think she had rt lstrdls flsflfd”
  386.  
  387. “What? I can't hear- oh no, not agaaaaain!”
  388.  
  389. >The uproar of that damnable screech once again drowns out all other noise. Prying your eyes open you catch one last glimpse of the three ponies, and Twilight hurriedly tossing a book onto your chest before-
  390.  
  391. ---------
  392.  
  393. >The clear sky greets you. You're still on your back, out in the middle of one of the verdant fields surrounding Ponyville. That book Twilight threw at you is still laying on your chest. Painfully, you lift your arms and pick it up, inspecting the cover. The title is in no language you've ever seen, in any world. It must have been the book with the stupid spell that started all this mess. You made a mental note to thank alternate Twilight if you ever saw her again. Though, if anything she said was true, you probably wouldn't. Nor would you see your own version of her.
  394.  
  395. >This has been a pretty shitty day.
  396.  
  397. ---
  398.  
  399. >After laying in the soft grass for a while, relaxing in your inability to move, something pale yellow and pink comes into your peripheral vision. You turn your head to find Fluttershy, pushing a wheelchair.
  400.  
  401. >“Oh Anon, I just |knew| paraplegia was your fetish.”
  402.  
  403. >You turn back to the sky and ignore the pain it takes to raise your arms towards it.
  404.  
  405. “fffffffffffffffffffffFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCK!!!”
  406.  
  407. ===
  408.  
  409. [It's been three “shifts” since then, as I've come to call them. For the benefit of whoever reads this I prefer to omit the rest of what happened in that reality. If I can spare anyone else from the knowledge of what happened...]
  410.  
  411. [Luckily, one of the next few realms I shifted to had such amazing magical and medical prowess, they not only fixed my paraplegia like it was nothing, but also gave me this nifty little satchel doodad that shrinks whatever I put in it to a degree, vastly improving my capacity to carry things. It's a lucky sight that whatever objects I have on my person travel through universes with me, else I wouldn't be able to keep this journal. Or be wearing anything wherever I ended up.]
  412.  
  413. [As you may have noticed, this is indeed the very spell tome that Power Twilight was foreseeing enough to give me before I left that realm. For whatever reason, quite a few of the back pages were blank, so I figured I may as well use it as a log of my travels. Like I mentioned at the start of this entry, death could befall me at any time, and I would hate to have this unbelievable journey of mine be lost to the ages.]
  414.  
  415. [Also, to anyone that reads this, please give my body a fitting burial, should any of it remain. That is, if the people of your reality actually bother to bury your dead, and not just melt them into scented candles or something. If the latter is the case, I was always partial to Lavender. May I burn as brightly as I did in life.]
  416.  
  417.  
  418. [End of Alternate Realities Journal Entry 001]
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