?

I realized while I was walking last night that I'm not just going for walks for the sake of it. I mean I am, but I'm also going for other reasons that I didn't realize at first. I'm looking for meaning, hoping I'll find some piece of an answer to all my mysteries and struggles, hoping I'll finally find someone who truly gets me and is able to feel the way I feel. It's my desperate cry for help, my search to end the endless longing.

I don't talk because I can't possibly put what I feel into words. There just simply isn't nearly enough intensity and description in words to be able to convey the true image, atmosphere and emotion in all the things I feel. It's a very cold struggle. I feel truly alone all the time and always have, I've always been really good at blending in and hiding it but I am more alone than anyone I know and it's so hard. I hold a constant state of heavily dreary and gloomy atmosphere in my heart that I absolutely lust and hunger for expressing but I don't truly know how which drives me absolutely mad. I really do almost go insane over it and I breakdown from the weight of it all, laying on the floor of whatever room I find myself in, unwittingly weeping like a child, which has almost become a daily event.

The ways that I do know of expressing myself, I love more than anything else, but it's becoming to hard for me to even try and work on those things because I'm so depressed that I simply lose all motivation and drive to do anything at all and I get deeply angry at myself for not trying and not being able to push through it which stops me from working at all and I close down. Which makes me even way more depressed because music and writing have always been the things that give me some type of real happiness for once, and make me feel like I can actually put some of that deep feeling into the world and show it to people that way. Back into the cycle of breakdowns I go.

I don't even know if any of this is really coherent, not that it matters much anyway, it's still hopeless. You would need a window into my soul to ever see what i really, truly mean, but all of this is more of a post-it note on the bottom of my foot.