A Young Samurai's Journal I

Hida Takao's Journal Entry #1

	I have been at Bayushi-sama's estate for a few weeks now.  My letters to my aunt requesting a transfer have all gone without response.  I think it would be best if I just write her simple and brief letters requesting a transfer.  She surely must know what is happening to me here by now.

	I am putting these words to paper to remind myself of the slights and the indignities that I have suffered in this place.  I can't recall every hearing of a story where a man has been treated the way I am treated here, though I don't think this is a story I would like to share.  I suppose it would be best if I summarize what has happened to me and by whose hand I have suffered in order to catalog my thoughts.

	I first shall begin with Bayushi Masami-sama, the mistress of these lands and whose estate I am forced to serve in.  I must confess, she would at first glance appear to be a beautiful woman.  She has flawless pale skin, emerald green eyes, long silky dark black hair, and a full and voluptuous figure.   She always is smiling, she always is polite, but if you look into her eyes you will see just how soulless and ugly she truly is.  The only time I have seen her give a real human reaction is at a male's suffering, and she takes particular delight in mine.  She is the source of all the misery and depravity in this place, all of the other cruelties are inspired by her or done at her leave.

	She loves to play the grand lady, lounging lazily and watching whatever scene unfolds before her.  See will often place me up against a challenge that I cannot win and then watch in amused satisfaction as one of her courtiers abuses me or forces me to perform some lewd act.  Though I suppose I should not complain too much, I am thankfully not one of her male servants.  With them she usually doesn't even go through the motions of pretending there is a good reason for what she is doing.  They are flogged at the slightest provocation, often while stripped down nude and in front of the whole court.  Sometimes it is one of her retainers doing the floggings, usually some of her female servants, sometimes another male servant, and Kami help me, I am even forced to do it on occasion.  She seems to particularly enjoy it when I must take the switch to one of my charges, my discomfort and disdain only makes her more engaged.  I have not seen it, but I have heard that she takes great pleasure in taking a few of her male servants into her great hall and in front of her court and female servants forces them to strip down and orally please each other and will sometimes even occasionally force some of the older servants to bugger the younger ones.  Apparently this is a source of great amusement to Bayushi-sama and her court, and it is what my young charges complain to me most bitterly about.  Sadly, I can do nothing for them.

	My very clothes are designed to make me feel ashamed.  A high cut on the base of the kimono, short sleeves that barely start to cover my arms, and a top that will barely close, I am constantly self conscious of how I look and am always trying to adjust myself in a vain attempt to cover up.  This whole place is ornate and expensively decorated.  Save for,  of course, the quarters of the male servants and myself.  The female servants' have ornate and spacious quarters, almost as well furnished as the quarters of some bushi woman.  However the male servants' quarters are cramped, poorly furnished, with old straw mat floors and the few furnishings they have are crumbling.  My own quarters are slightly better,  much to my shame though, I think the female servants' actually have nicer quarters.  Mine just seem to be a collection of three of the male servants' rooms grouped together.

	It fills me with disgust that Bayushi-sama was the first woman that I have lain with.   Like everything she does, it was perverted, disgusting, cold, and without any hint of care on her part.  She had tasked me to regularly to come to her chambers and please her orally since I arrived in her service.  Her chambers are obscenely ornate.  The rafters are gilded, silk coverd cushions cover the flowers from wall to wall, incense is constantly burning,  the walls themselves are lacquered a bright red, and all of her chest and draws are dark hardwood with jade inlay.  She seems to favor jade jewelry which she lazily leaves strewn about, I suppose the idea that she is wearing something that could save lives on the wall amuses her.   My encounters usually involve her either lounging around playing with her hair in seeming disinterest, or with her passively inflicting some pain on me, either through striking or scratching me.

	The day began like any other of my trips to her chamber.  She called me to her in her soft smooth voice void of warmth or emotion.  I entered her opulent chamber fully expecting to have to bury my face in her womanhood.  She has made me do that so many times the smell of her musky wetness haunts me at night sometimes.  However, this time was different.  She was as always lazily wearing a dark blue kimono and lounging on a pile of cushions in the center of the room.  She was brushing her long and flowing jet black hair with a jade comb with one hand, and idly poking her finger into a cup of cool tea with the other.  When I came to her she commanded me to disrobe, and even though I have done so several times before, the impersonal way she just tells me to expose myself makes me feel ashamed as I follow her orders.  I was then commanded to kneel, but this time, she asked me, in a sing-song voice which sounded strange coming from her, if I have ever lain with a woman before.  I told her that I had not, and she laughed at me and told me she was not surprised.  I was young and not particularly manly so she reasoned that the fact I have not been with a woman was only natural.  My face burned at her words and I looked down, and then to my alarm she grabbed my chin with her free arm and forced me to look up at her.

	She then informed me that she and I were going to lie together.  She laughed her hollow laugh and looked at me with her predatory eyes and said that it was her place and her right to lie with me as she sees fit.  She had not done so before because she did not feel the need, I was passable enough with my tongue.   She then moved to stroke my cheek, running her nails along my face as she did so and continued in her alluring but cool voice, telling me that the mood has taken her and besides, some of her female courtiers wanted to do similar things with me and  were waiting for her to go first.

	She then roughly pushed me back onto a cushion and stood over me, opening the lower half of her kimono and exposing her womanhood as she has done so many times before.  She then leaned down over me, her silky hair trailing over my body as she did so, before she reached down and fondled my manhood and began gently blowing on it.  Bayushi-sama did this from a moment before she stood back up and repositioned herself so that she could gently lower herself and guide my manhood into her.  She kept her kimono on and laughed as I made a gasping noise as I felt her envelop me.  As she laughed to herself, she then placed her hands over my shoulders and pressed down on me with some force.   Leaning over me, our faces only inches apart, she commanded me to be still as her hair cascaded down on my face.   Slowly she began to move herself up and down.  She laughed whenever, to my shame, I let out a small moan of enjoyment, and stared down at me with eyes like that of a predatory beast lost in the thrill of the kill.

	To me horror I began to lose myself in pleasure, the warmth (the only warmth she has I think) and wetness of her womanhood melting me and draining my will.  This must have amused because she began to move faster laughing lightly all the while,  I think a few moans of pleasure escaped her lips as well.  This continued until I could take it no longer and with a loud moan I spilled my seed into her, at the same time however, she bit her lip and contracted around me and let a moan escape her mouth as well.

	I was afraid that she would punish me for spilling my seed into her, but she stood up and got off of me in silence.  She closed her kimono and ungracefully flopped back onto her pile of cushions and informed me that I had just barely done my duty.  She waived at me dismissively and told me that she was done with me for now and that her courtiers were free to do as they wished from this point on.  As I stood up,  I was reminded that I was not to dress  until I had left the room.  I shamefully walked out and glanced over my shoulder to see her giving me a cold smile as she stared at my backside.

	I hate her.  I hate how she runs this place, how she treats her servants, and the disgusting and dismissive way she treats me and encourages her courtiers to treat me.  She is a exile from the courts of the scorpion but instead of bettering herself, or living humbly, she wallows in depravity, excess, and cruelty.  I am not treated as a person by her.  I am something that can amuse her or bring her pleasure and nothing more.  My bloodline, my years of training, and anything else about who I am is not worth her notice.  She makes sure to encourage her courtiers and family to think likewise about me as well.

	Also, I am deeply troubled and saddened by the fact that she was the first woman I have even lain with.  I have been told that you never forget your first time with a woman, and that while it may not be your best, you will always have a bond with her and have shared what will be a fond memory.  The fact that this is how it is supposed to be hurts.  I have no bond with Bayushi-sama, I never will.  The memory shames me and there was nothing special about it.  I gave into her in my weakness and she for her part didn't care about anything beyond her own gratification.  I am troubled and I fear that my sadness over how my first time played out will haunt me till the end of my days.

	So lost in thought was I at that moment that I almost forgot my brief encounter with Utaku-san and Bayushis Ikuko-san and Ikue-san.  As I was walking back to my quarters Utaku-san, who was leading the young scorpion sisters, stopped me and put her hands on her wide hips, slightly flexing her muscular arms as she did so, and with a wide grin asked me if I had returned from Bayushi-samas.  I told her I had and she laughed and said that it was good that I was almost a man now and that she was free to do some other "fun things" with me.  Bayushi Ikuko-san scoffed at that and crossed her arms and with a turn of her head said that she found the idea of doing "that" with me to be disgusting.  For her part, Bayushi Ikue-san actually gave me a smile and clapped and said that she wasn't sure what that meant, but that she really wanted to have more fun with me.  At that the elder sister lead the younger way, muttering to her in disapproval as Utaku-san laughed loudly and swatted my buttock as I moved past her and told me that she looked forward to spending time with me when I recovered.

	I don't know what is in store for me in this place.  But I want to leave.