Living With Colgate: Old Habits

>As she does every morning, your toothpaste-scented flatmate teleports into your room for your 5am wake up call.
>But this time she teleports into your bed.
>Literally.
>”Good morning!”
>The top half of her body pokes out of the mattress. A deceptively innocent smile is displayed on her face.
“Did you just telefrag my mattress?”
>Colgate pulls herself out of the large hole she just made in your bed.
>”My aim was a little off. So what?”
“How easily could that have been a giant hole in my chest?”
>Colgate rolls her eyes at you.
>”That’s always a possibility. I’ll try to be more careful next time, okay? Anyway…”
“No! Not anyway! You almost killed me-“
>”ANYWAY, I was thinking. Anon, this is the beginning of a new year, right?”
“…”
>”Right! A new year! A time when bad habits are best destroyed. You and I have our fair share of bad habits, and we should use this day to get rid of them!”
>Colgate blinks enthusiastically, awaiting your response.
“Bad habits?”
>”That’s right. For example, you are really lazy. You just sit at home and never do anything.”
>She pushes you out of bed and onto the floor.
>“Let’s go for a morning jog!”

>Before long, you and Colgate are on the road. Now that the snow has melted, you’ve run out of any reasonable excuses to not run with her in the morning.
>It’s actually not too painful when you keep a steady pace. You’re only half-wishing you’d never been born.
“Colgate, you never said what bad habit you were going to break.”
>She’s practically running circles around you, not even breaking a sweat.
>”Well, as you may have noticed, I never have time to make friends…”
“You have no friends because you’re a dick.”
>”Harsh, but true.” Colgate admits. “I can change, Anon. I’m turning over a new leaf.”
“I’ll believe it when I see it.”
>”I CAN be normal and friendly! In fact, I’ll have a normal friendly conversation with the next pony we see!”
>In a cruel twist of fate, the next pony you see is Pinkie Pie. She gives the two of you a big genuine smile.
>”Hiya Colgate and ‘Nonnie. Out for a jog?” She giggles. “Trying to work off the extra calories from those sugar-free muffins I baked you?”
>Colgate forces a smile. “Pinkie Pie, I would curb stomp your stupid bitch face into the ground right now if I wasn’t such a nice pony. I’d break all your teeth. Not to imply that you care about the state of your teeth.”
>Pinkie is unfazed. “A nice pony indeed! So friendly and nice! It’s such a shame everyone thinks you’re a self-centered cunt. If only they could see you as the super-duper, nice, awesome, sociable, friendly, nice pony that you are, maybe they wouldn’t hate you so much.”
>Colgate’s smile looks like it hurts to maintain. One of her eyes twitch. “What did you call me?”
>Pinkie beams. “Super-duper, nice, awesome, sociable, friendly, nice… hmm” she puts a hoof to her chin in thought. “… Oh yeah! And a cunt!”
>The expression on Colgate’s face could no longer be described as anything close to a smile. She closes her eyes and breathes deeply, in and out, through her nose. “Well, nice talking to you. I just want you to know that someday soon, Pinkie Pie, I will know the taste of your blood.”
>Colgate gives you a nudge to indicate that you should start moving, so you do.
>”Bubye Colgate! Bye Anon!” Pinkie hops away cheerfully.
>The jog continues. Colgate’s rage subsides as soon as Pinkie disappears from sight.
>“Anon, did you see that? I was so …nonviolent!”
“Nonviolence is the first step to making friends!”
>She ignores your sarcasm. “I think I’m on the right track. I’ll be popular in no time!”
“That’s th… That’s the spirit!”
>Oh man. You’ve developed a bad cramp already.
>You stop and clutch your side, breathing heavily.
>”Come ooon, Annie.” Colgate complains, rolling her eyes. “We’ve been running for less than five minutes.”
“It’s… ow… it’s not about the time. It’s… it’s about the distance travelled.”
>”Distance? What, three blocks? I can still see our house.”
>She’s got you there. Maybe you are more out of shape than you previously thought.
“It’s… ooh… it’s not the journey that matters; it’s the destination, my little blue friend.”
>”Anon, are you feeling okay?”
>You fall to your knees.
“Just need to take a little breather. Just a little rest.”
>You’re laying down on the grass now. Colgate seats herself next to you. She raises an eyebrow.
>”I’m no doctor, but forgetting to breathe might not be good for your brain.”
“You’re a cutie, you know that? A cute little fluffy blue guy.”
>”Uh, thanks. Need some water?” she levitates a water bottle to you.
“Thanks, blue.”
>”Um… excuse me?”
>A timid yellow pegasus approaches. She waves nervously.
“Hi, Fluttershy. What is it?”
>“Anon, asphyxiation is actually pretty serious. I have… well, I HAD a baby bunny once that got a plastic bag stuck over its head and-“
>Colgate interrupts. ”You got somethin’ stuck in your teeth”
>Fluttershy squeaks and claps her hooves over her mouth.
>”Sorry, but it’s really bugging me. It’s like a piece of carrot or something. You should floss better.”
>Tears form in Fluttershy’s eyes; she stands rooted to the spot out of sheer embarrassment.
“You’re so insensitive, Colgate! She was about to tell me I’m permanently brain damaged or something.”
>”You saw it in her teeth, right?”
“Yeah, I saw it. But, it doesn’t-“
>”It was gross right?”
“A little distracting, but-“
>”You’re gross, Flutters. Floss your teeth.”
>Fluttershy is too humiliated to move. Big tears roll down her face.
“Let’s go home, Colgate. You’re not good at making friends.”

>Later that evening, you and your blue flatmate are relaxing at home. You lie lazily on the couch while Colgate sits on your chest and throws darts at a picture of Pinkie’s face.
“What have we learned today?”
>”Well, I learned that being nice is against my nature. Lots of ponies have legitimate reasons to dislike me. What did you learn?”
“Physical activity is not worth the effort. Life is short, and we should all stay home and be as unproductive as possible.”
>Colgate throws a dart and misses her target completely. “You know, it’s getting dark. Should we bring Fluttershy inside?”
“I’ll go get her.”