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“So Brian was like, ‘Oh my god, everything’s all rocky now! So cool!’ He had himself a happy jaunt through the town, skipping across the motionless streets. He found a pony frozen in stone. Just to be sure, he waved his hand in front of its face, waiting for a reaction. The pony didn’t move. Brian was all high and joyful, so he laughed like he’d just heard the funniest joke ever. Then he skipped off to mess around some more.

He danced through the roads, preforming complex, sophisticated dance maneuvers he shouldn’t have been able to do! With a single step, his feet left the ground and he soared through the air. Then, because he was Batman and Batman was actually Bruce Wayne (OMG SPOILERS ARGH!), he did a waltz with a statue. He was very classy.
Brian was strong (but not too muscly! Muscles are… not cute), so he broke into Sugar Cube Corner and ate a bunch of delicious sweets. They were very crunchy. Then, maintaining his slim figure, he went back out and danced through the streets like a Disney Princess.
That night, Brian went out to Dinner at a fancy restaurant, which he could never have afforded if everything was petrified. Unfortunately, doing so presented unintended consequences. Mainly, there wasn’t any food cooked. All the chefs were locked within stone. Brian wanted to cook for himself, but all the ingredients were stoned as well! Also, the coal that would light the ovens was turned into some stone that was not coal. Brian’s stomach growled. “How could I let this happen? Now I’m gonna starve to death!” Then he remembered that had eaten rocks earlier, at Sugar Cube Corner. So he had his dinner of rocks. Because he was Batman, his teeth pulverized the rocks, and he enjoyed his gravelly meal.
However, halfway through the meal, Brian realized something that made him spit out all the rock bits in his mouth. “Rocks… not nutritional! Contain minerals… but not contain vitamins!” Needless to say, Brian went hungry that night.
Now Brian was hungry, and being’ hungry made him feel sad. His stomach growled loudly (because he was hungry,) and so he moped around the petrified town. He was very very depressed.
“No! So hungry!” he said to himself. Looking forward, he saw a street lamp, lit up in this petrified world. He saw a dark silhouette in the cone of light, and for a moment, he was reminded of his old girlfriend. The love of his life, from before he was Brian. If he looked carefully, he could almost see her before him. “My love!” he cried, rushing forward. But no. When he got there, he could see that it was only a statue- the very same statue he’d danced with before. He threw his head to the sky and soliloquized.

“Oh, world, cruel King of Fate and Destiny
Does it so bring you joy, sate your desire
To see me brought forth, under false guises
With grief weighed heavy upon my frail back,
To offer to me this one glimpse of hope
And to just as soon snatch it from my gaze?
Why do you toy with me so, oh King?
Why do you wish such sorrow upon me?” Brian said. Then it started raining and he fell over into an ally and cried himself to sleep.