Why Snow is pretty cool

Okay, author, hear me out bro. Imma get on your level, we're gonna have a sincere heart to heart here. Come on man, make eye contact.

Things are looking pretty bad for the SCP team...
We join coach Grix, making some major changes to his team composition after their recent 1612 game fiasco. Let's see what he has to say.

Alright. So, we've been a team for…

*checks watch*

Eight hours. That is not a long time. Now, I know we're eager to get out of the starting gate. I know there's a whole world of people out there ready to compliment us on how good our writing is. A glorious land of E-Peen, ripe for the taking. But men, we gotta learn to write properly if we want people to compliment us on our writing.

Now, I know things look bad. We've probably lost the game here, and our shot at the SCPro championship. But we can recover from this! I know I'm gonna train harder and learn from this, and I think you guys will too.

Now, let's get the hard stuff out of the way right away.

Gary Stu! Yes, you son. Get the hell off my team, you're out. Nobody loves you. Yeah yeah, I know team 076 looks pretty hot, but you're not Able material. See you later.

See now, the problem with Stu was that he was just too flashy. There's not really a difference between him and Wolverine, except that Stu was vastly overpowered. Yeah, he could dunk the other team by himself on a bad day, but we're going for style points here. Stu had none of those. He wasn't believable, and he wasn't compelling enough for anybody to upvote us.

Now you, Concept. You can follow Stu. I mean, for Christs sake, you're a radioactive epilepsy inducing super hacker ladies X-Man. There's not much else I can say about your performance last night. Get out.

And, finally, emo guy. Yeah, you back there. A lot of people probably didn't notice you slinking around in between Stu and Concept, but I did. Lonely and suicidal? Really? Leave. The door is that way.

Alright, that's the really awful players out of the way.

Now, Descriptive Language! Yep, you. Now, I'm not telling you that you need to get out, but you definitely contributed to the problems Concept had. You don't need to always go on about how awesome his hair is, and we really didn't need your endless nagging about how strong he was or how much stamina he had. We're not competing for Mr. Universe, we're trying to make a compelling idea that the judges can get behind and upvote. Go home and work on describing what matters, rather than what he looks like.

What matters? Well, not his tousled brown hair, I can tell you that.

Alright, Capitalization! Now, What I've Been Meaning To-

Stop That. Now, you only need to capitalize letters at the beginning of the sentence. I know, I know. You went to summer capitalizing camp and you want to show off how many letters you can get in one sentence. No. Capital letters go on proper nouns and at the beginning of sentences. A Cell is-

…

A cell is not a proper noun. Neither is a containment unit. You're an important part of the team, Capitalization. You have a really, really easy job. You're also one of the first things people notice on an article, and a huge part of the downvotes we'll get if you screw up. Now, you weren't as bad as Concept or Gary, but you need to work on your game.

Alright, Containment Procedures!

What the hell did you give Concept non-living furniture for? Why won't you tell us where he's supposed to be kept? If he's being kept off-site, isn't it important to tell us where? I mean, Christ, what do we do if he escapes? In between the epilepsy and the Alzheimer's and the fire bones, we've gotta get him back where he goes!

Get out, Containment. We can find better procedures in the back alley behind Wal-Mart.

Alright now. Tone, you're the only one left. You were pretty awful last night. Like, really awful. Now, I think this was largely a consequence of Gary and Concept, so I'm not kicking you out. But I am benching you next semester. We're going to get a real pro, and you can watch how other people do it better. Watch how the tone from a professional article plays. Notice how he's cold and objective, even when Containment is faking out the other team and Concept is throwing some really deep and terrifying shit at them. He doesn't ever lose his focus. You pretty much decide the fate of our team when you lose that objectivity because Concept is so cool. Work on that, and I think you could be a real pro.

Now, team, I know what they're saying about us. I know some people are going to be total dicks in the discussion forum for our recent play. But I think we can come away from this as a stronger team. Don't be discouraged. I think we should watch other teams for a bit, and we should probably review some of their more successful plays from history before we try again, but we can come away from this with our dignity. We can learn from this.

Well, I think this team could really come together if they learn from this game and practice hard. Back to you, Tim.

Let's see what the coach has to say.
So yeah. This is pretty much entirely a Gary Stu. This is a bad idea, and I don't know that there really is a good way to execute this. Everything was kind of lacking. Reviewing the top rated articles would probably be a very very good idea.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, there's not really a whole lot to say here. I want to say it's shorter than my thumb, but I have little stubby fingers, so it isn't. It's the length of my thumb. That's still too short. Far too short.

completely different
SCENE: A father [MR STEVENS] and his son [QUANDARY STEVENS] are sitting on top of a grassy hill, watching the highway. Cars whizz past. QUANDARY is sad. He has auditioned for the school choir, and been denied. The sun is setting on the other side of the highway. MR STEVENS breaks the silence.

MR STEVENS (Staring at the sunset): Now, son. You know you auditioned for the choir yesterday, right? And that they said no.

QUANDARY (Picking grass from the hill, staring at the ground): Yeah, I know dad. But I thought I actually improved this time! I looked at all those famous soloists, I found a piece nobody else has done before, I- (Looking despairingly up at MR STEVENS) I just don't know why they said no, dad.

MR STEVENS and QUANDARY sit in silence for a moment, QUANDARY staring pleadingly at his father. After several seconds of silence:

MR STEVENS: Well son, I think maybe there were a few things wrong with how you went about trying this. I think you would've done much better if you'd practiced, like me and your mother told you to do after your last audition. Maybe sing… What was that song?

QUANDARY (Impatiently): 'The Humanoid SCP Draft', dad.

MR STEVENS (Patiently): Right. Well, I think you would've done much better if you'd practiced that at home. Maybe you could've sung it for old aunt Sandbox, she's a sweet old lady, she would've told you where to improve. Maybe you could've visited that music forum you frequent, that…

QUANDARY (More Impatiently): The #Site19 music forums, dad. You told me all this after my last audition!

MR STEVENS (Sternly): Well, you didn't listen to me then, did you?

QUANDARY appears hurt. MR STEVENS realizes his mistake and looks down at his son, his expression softening.

MR STEVENS: Now son, I don't want to hurt your feelings. Some people out there, they'll rip you a new one for screwing something like this up. And you did screw up. But we're still here, we're not gonna go anywhere, and neither is that choir. Now son, there is something I'm going to tell you about that 'Humanoid SCP Draft' that you should probably consider.

QUANDARY looks questioningly at his father.

MR STEVENS: Has it occurred to you son, that maybe there's a reason nobody else has performed that piece? It seems awful difficult, and I don't think even a professional could pull that off. Look at how the pieces fit together, and how those notes form a deep sound, something that will capture the attention of the audience. Look at how they sweep through the entire piece. Up and down, up and down. The audience is never going to say to themselves, 'I knew that was about to happen!', it keeps them on the edge of their seats. You've got to put that into your performance.

QUANDARY (On the edge of tears): But dad, I don't think I can do that! I just want to sing this piece. Look at how pretty it is!

MR STEVENS: I don't think you're quite ready yet. Maybe you should practice some other pieces first. I hear there's a few concerts this SCP draft guy has done. There are hundreds of pieces out there, just for you to interpret and perform in your own special way. Maybe after you've had a lot (a lot, Quandary) of experience performing these other, similar pieces, you can come back to the Humanoid Draft and give it the kind of touch it really needs to make it work.

The scene closes with QUANDARY staring into his fathers eyes, a new commitment to do better shining in his gaze. His father is confident in his sons ability to succeed, but hopes that his advice about practicing for AUNT SANDBOX will stick.

completely different
You should probably definitely run these by either the forums or the chat before you post them. Two in less than a day is kind of ridiculous, maybe you should wait a week or a month or so before you post your next one. I'm not saying wait that long to try again, just use that time to get review.

On the article: you have a lot of typos. Like one a sentence. It's sort of ridiculous. I think running a spellcheck in word or google docs (does google docs have spellcheck? I think it does…) would clear most of these up, so you might consider doing one of those.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The potential for humor here is unlimited.

"Well Jensen, looks like the bouncy balls didn't work. Almost lost -7."

"Well gee Samuels, I guess we're going to have to try the electric slide next."

…

"Damn Jensen, looks like that didn't work either."

"Samuels."

"Jensen?"

"Break out the Dance Dance Revolution."

"Sir!"

"Do it. She cannot resist these levels of funk."

And now we need the 231-J experiment log, where -7 is repeatedly and brutally exposed to indecent amounts of joy.