Item #: SCP-XXXX-J

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX-J is to be contained at Site 19 until further notice by allowing him to work with whatever it is that SCP-XXXX-J does around here anyway. SCP-XXXX-J can be assigned further research duties, but prolonged interaction may cause individuals to exceed their daily sodium intake. It is not advised to agitate SCP-XXXX-J, as it causes SCP-XXXX-J to grow in size.

In the event of an explosive outburst, Foundation personnel are advised to tell SCP-XXXX-J to chill, and remind them of their condition, through an interrogative statement.

Description: SCP-XXXX-J is formerly Foundation Researcher Doctor Michael Magnus, who was transformed into a substantial quantity of common table salt after an unfortunate incident in the Site 19 cafeteria.

After this incident SCP-XXXX-J has become a giant pile of salt, with a labcoat, and a pair of glasses in there somewhere. Dr. Magnus is still able to perform his research duties for the foundation, though the amount of salt he emits while doing so is staggering. Salt emissions have been observed to increase around payday, and after sporting events involving the Pittsburgh Steelers American football team.

SCP-XXXX-J has been observed to increase in the total volume of salt when agitated or corrected. As such it is recommended to try and keep SCP-XXXX-J calm. Failure to do so may endanger your cardiovascular health.

Researcher Kens observed the transformation of Dr. Magnus on November 17th, 2004 after he became agitated, and "entered a salt state" (hereafter referred to as CONDITION-POSTERIOR-DAMAGED) during their shared lunch break.

At this time, there's no known cure for Dr. Magnus' condition, and will most likely remain a giant pile of salt until he dies.

Dr. Magnus' note
Get fucked Kens, you took that last plate of Carbonara, when you knew I wanted it, and that doesn't make me "salty", you giant chode. Stop posting this shit to the database.

(NH₄)₂Cr₂O₇
Addendum NaCl On February 6, 2011, there was a major breach event which concluded with SCP-XXXX-J entering CONDITION-POSTERIOR-DAMAGED at approximately 10 pm following what was described in his own words as "a complete shit show, chokefest."

Researcher Kens was observed to then hold out his hand, and demand restitution for some form of pre-arranged bet. Doctor Magnus was observed to be a total dick, and welch.

It is unknown at this time whether his inability to pay up is due to his condition as SCP-XXXX-J, or if he's just that much of a baby.

Co(NO3)2·6H2O
Addendum K2Cr2O7 On June 27, 2015, after losing a round of the video game "Nidhogg" to Researcher Kens, SCP-XXXX-J was inquired as to his emotional state, while implying fraternal relation.

This immediately caused a CONDITION-POSTERIOR-DAMAGED, which lead to unprecedented ambient salt levels in the immediate vicinity.

Due to the amount of damage caused to Researcher Ken's totally sweet rig that he spent like three grand on, over a game of Nidhogg for fuck's sake, it's recommended at this time to never inquire of SCP-XXXX-J emotional state, or familial fraternal relation. Because he can't take a goddamned joke, and is like seven thousand years old and doesn't recognize a meme.

Dr. Magnus' note
Get fucking bent, you cheated.

NaHCO3
Addendum C4H6BNaO3S
On December 25th, 2015, Researcher Kens participated in the Site 19 "Secret Santa" exchange, having recieved SCP-XXXX-J's given name.

As part of the tradition, Researcher Kens purchased an ornate salt shaker for SCP-XXXX-J, feeling he would appreciate a joke, and have somewhere decorative to store some of his salt.

Researcher Kens underestimated SCP-XXXX-J's inability to take a joke, and SCP-XXXX-J entered CONDITION-POSTERIOR-DAMAGED as usual.

Such was the magnitude of SCP-XXXX-J's saltiness, that other Research Staff around him were affected as well. No less than ██ research staff were transformed in to huge piles of salt, as a result of SCP-XXXX-J's shitty mood, and the general consensus was that SCP-XXXX-J ruined the office Christmas party with his inability to take a joke.

Dr Magnus' Note
Kens, you irredeemable fuckwad. "Ornate salt shaker"(link to https://www.amazon.com/dp/B016794Y7C/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_ep_dp_TQWryb6T5K0VE) my dick. I didn't ruin shit, AND DELETE THIS GODDAMNED DATABASE ENTRY.