Personal and Reflective Essay – Sarah Smillie

Meeting someone new is always something I have found exciting yet concerning. Having a new set of eyes looking at you from top to bottom and judging every little aspect you have to offer. I experience this every day along with the rest of the world, it has become a part of life, and everybody is guilty of it.

Starting my morning with checking snapchats and facebook messages can’t be healthy, watching little messages come back and forth from different people at school but I don’t ever participate, I only watch. I get added to a group chat called “school gals” and a short grin appears upon my face, the thought is incredible. Someone actually thought of me, even if it was for a split second and I do nothing with it. I still don’t feel welcome.

Friendships have never come easy to me, well close ones anyway. It has always felt like a stretch and a tug to get to know someone, and the aftermath always leaves me out of breath. It’s the build-up. A friendship may start with a simple “hello” in the corridor or a chat about the weather in between classes but after that it’s hard work, and nothing more. These are the people that you know but you don’t – nothingness friendships.

Its break, the canteen is full and a word won’t be said to anyone other than the lunch lady. I came here for something to eat and a strawberry milk, nothing more. I buy what I want then take a quick exit and head to the crushes, the hive of 5th years. I put my bag down wherever it falls and tuck into whatever the lunch lady has given me.

Lunch is different to break, the bumblebees have left their hive and I’m alone. A couple come to join me but most of the time we talk about stories and scenarios, never anything valuable. It’s one of the highlights of my day, having a proper conversation and laughing at our past-selves. Times have changed in the school, people have changed groups are smaller and we are starting to contribute to the world with jobs and such.

My last class has approached for the day. It feels like it’s been a lifetime, when it’s only been a day and I am counting each second as they go by. I’m watching the words come out of everyone’s mouths but I’m not really listening, I just watch them shoot at me and I dodge every single one. I don’t want to talk to anyone, not even a so called ‘friend’ of mine. 3-2-1 its time to leave for the day, finally, time to return to my safe heaven where I can be alone and not worry about embarrassment or judgement I receive from my peers.

I still have another obstacle to pass, the bus, a cramped metal box full of people that I don’t want to look at or talk to. Fortunately it’s a simple step rather than a leap. I can get on and sit next to someone that actually values my friendship and the effort I put into it, but they don’t realise how valued they are to me. I don’t think they care as much as I do, they don’t know me all that well if I’m truly honest.
A wave of relief brushed over me as I sat on my bed. I can relax now and not worry for a few hours, no more chats about the weather or how tired everyone is. My dog, Ruby, comes rushing down the hall, my best friend. Ruby understands me, she doesn’t talk about her day, she shows me and I show her. We spend our time napping and cuddling, even though i should probably spend my time more constructively with the piles of homework I have or my daily chores.  The night continues and one family member at a time comes home and ruby leaves me for them. She loves us all but some more than others; this is very similar to all my other friendships that have actually gone somewhere.

My alarm starts its racket to wake me for the next school day, and I have never wanted to sleep so badly. I don’t want to check my phone, I don’t want to open my eyes, I don’t want to move. I’m exhausted I can never get the sleep I need and even if I do it’s not enough. That doesn’t matter though because I need to move through my day and spending it inside my own mind is not going to get me any further. It’s time to have another shot at meeting new people and gaining that true friendship that I desire.