God Anon Part 2(Done)

Another day, another something. Well another trip to the market anyway.
There is something endearing about bartering though.
First on the list, Apples and Apple Accessories. It hurts to know you are the only being who will get the reference.
"Howdy Anon, what can I get for ya?"
"Fill this sack with apples." you drop a small sack on the stall.
Bartering has no time for precise measurements. Neither does your terribly inconsistent appetite.
Applejack just laughs and fills your sack. You'd fill her sack. Ha ha ha. Sack.
"That'll be seventeen...."
She pauses and starts leaning to one side, looking at something behind you.
You turn but there's nothing there, nothing odd anyway.
"Applejack?" No reaction.
Snapping your fingers next to her head you speak louder "Applejack!"
"What? Oh sorry Anon, thought I saw a minotaur."
You look back again but still nothing there.
"Anyway that'll be seventeen bits sugarcube."

-----Later that day-----

Mission complete, returning to base. Thought not without incident.
You got the distinct feeling of being watched as you wandered the market.
At first you dismissed it. Probably just Sparkle going all David Attenborough on you again.
Wouldn't be the first time she's hid in a bush and narrated your life in hushed tones.
But what Applejack said struck a cord. Maybe there was a minotaur.
And in true Equestrian fashion it's timid, shy and afraid of the unknown.
The ponies were, why would minotaurs be different.
Suppose it was only a matter of time until you encountered a minotaur, you've been compared to one often enough.
Why is beyond you, you've nothing in common beyond being bipedal. They might as well compare you to Discord, he's bipedal.
Still nothing to worry about, it'll resolve itself in time. Just like it did with Ponyville.
But now, off to the gym. You're gonna get Hulked with Bulk.

-----The next morning-----

"Mooooooooooo."
Crusty eyes flick open.
"Mooooooooooo."
A hand instantly shoots to your throbbing head
"Oooooh god"
"Mooooooooooo."
Flashes of yesterday penetrate your brain.
Getting hulked with Bulk, then getting trashed with Dash.
"Mooooooooooo."
Your slowly awakening mind registers the incessant mooing that woke you.
Fucking last thing you need. Can't Applejack keep those cows under control.
"Mooooooooooo."
Dragging yourself out of bed, you stumble to the window flinging it open.
"Mooooooooooo."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Silence follows as your eyes adjust to the morning sun and a strange sight awaits them.
Either you're still drunk or someone spiked your drink.
There's a bunch of minotaurs in pink robes gathered around a table just outside your garden.
The silence shatters as the minotaurs scatter, robes fluttering and while mooing their heads off.
You can't make out what's on the table but there's smoke rising from it. Not good.
Swearing internally you start looking for pants.
"I'll be damned if god damn cows burn my fucking garden down."

-----Ten minutes later-----

You've been standing in the street, half naked and staring at this table for ten minutes.
Maybe your brain is still slow from the hangover but you're struggling what to make of it.
The smoke is coming from incense. The table is strewn with flowers and bundles of herbs.
In the middle on a small pedestal are two statuettes.
You'd bet money this is some kind of altar or shrine but that's not what brought your brain to a screeching halt.
The figurines are both of minotaurs, one male, one female.
But they've been painted green with a single black question mark drawn on their faces.
"The fuck is this shit?" You mutter for probably the hundredth time.
Another minute passes in silence before lightning sparks in the old grey matter.
"TWILIGHT!"

-----A short time later-----

"So what is it?"
You stare down impatiently at Twilight while she studies this table of, quite possibly literal, bullshit.
"It's an ancestral display. Minotaurs make them to honor their ancestors."
That just raises more questions.
"Then why is it outside my house!?"
"It is a bit strange, normally they're in a communal area. Like a town hall."
"Oh. Oh I see. They've just decided to honor their ancestors outside my house. Have I got that right?"
Twilights nods.
"Then explain this!"
Twilight follows your finger as you jab it at the two statuettes
"Well I'm not really sure about that. I never studied Minotaur culture in detail."
She hasn't studied something, that may be a sign of the apocalypse.
"If I made a guess, they might be trying to make a formal welcome to you. By honoring your ancestors."
"My ancestors?"
"You do have physical similarities to a minotaur Anon."
Twilight wilts a bit under your glare.
"Sorry, I know you don't like that comparison."
Damn right you don't.
"But they're just being friendly, oh you cou-"
Twilight starts excitedly babbling about friendship reports and studies, instinctively you tune it out.
Looking down at the two little green statues you come to a conclusion.
No harm in talking to them.

-----That Evening-----

The Minotaurs finally came back, thankfully they're not mooing this time.
Just fixing thier table of bullshit.
Welp time to say hello.
Marching out the door you head towards them.
They freeze up on noticing you, not moving just watching in silence.
Standing in front of them, you wait for them to react.
Nothing. Seems you have to break the ice.
"Hello, I'm Anon."
A number of things happen simultaneously.
One of them faints dead away, dropping like a bag of hammers.
One of the females gives a lewd moan, hands shooting to her nether regions as her eyes roll back. A goofy grin plastered over her face.
The remaining three drop to their knees, join hands and moo softly at you.
Standing there in shock, you contemplate the spectacle before you for a moment.
Hmmm, seems there's only one thing to do.
"Goodbye."
Go back the fuck inside and find Twilight in the morning.

------The Next Day-----

It's the AM and those fucking cows are still outside your yard.
A simple 'Hello' caused way too much shenanigans.
Someone fainting you can handle, you know Rarity quite well.
Someone orgasming, fucking weird but simultaneously, hell of a complement.
But the bowing down and mooing. That was way too close to praising.
Combine that with shrine and this whole thing reeks of crazy you don't want to be part off.
You're not going outside. Not till they're gone.
That was the plan but that might take too long, you need them to go away.
Patience is not one of your virtues.
Hmm what to do?
Then a brainwave strikes, marching across the room you open a window and lean out.
"SPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
He's unlikely to hear you but someone closer might. And then they'll tell him to come here.
In your mind this is a foolproof and brilliant plan.
A sudden movement draws your eye.
Huh, one of the minotaurs just took off running.
With any luck that's one down five to go.
Now you just have to kick back and wait.

-----30 minutes later-----

A knock at the door has interrupted your morning... morning...
Alright you don't have a morning anything, you just lounge around in bed mostly.
Opening the door you find one of the minotaurs and they're thrusting a rather annoyed looking Spike towards you.
"Anon! Help! Tell this crazy minotaur to let me go."
Reaching out you take Spike and hold him under one arm like a football.
With your free arm you slowly close the door, as the minotaur backs away bowing.
Spike wriggles out of your grip and hops to the floor.
Dusting off his scales he turns to you. "What was that all about?"
"Hell if I know."
It's a cunning lie but you're sure as hell not telling him you're why he just got manhandled by a bull.
"It's a good thing you're here. Spike. Take a letter."
"Anon, you haven't given me anything to write with."
Oh, right.
"Ok then. Spike. Remember what I'm about to say then tell Twilight what I said."
He looks at like you've been eating poison joke again. [spoiler]Doesn't affect you. Tastes like oregano.[/spoiler]
"Dear Princess Twiggles...."

-----1 minute later-----

"You remember all that?"
"Sure Anon."
You open the door to let him out and yell.
"Hey you! Put this dragon back where you found it!"
"What?"
Slamming the door you watch as a minotaur grabs a yelling Spike and takes him back to wherever he was.


-----One hour later-----

*Fwoup* "ANON!"
"JESUS CHRIST!"
Coffee and newspaper pages fly everywhere.
"Don't do that!"
Fucking teleportation.
"Sorry Anon, Spike gave me your message so I came as quickly as a could."
"Good, now about those minotaurs-"
"Did you have trouble making friends?"
Trouble making friends, that's fighting talk in these pony lands Twilight.
Who does she take you for? Some kind of shut in?
"Let's just say there was some stuff I left out of the message. Now listen up."

-----Some time later at the Treebrary-----

Twilight listened and then insisted on zapping you here.
You don't like teleporting. Which is why you're lying on the floor, while Spike and Twiggles do research.
She's become increasingly flustered since then.
Apparently books don't have the answers. At least these ones don't.
"Spike, how long has it been?"
"Four hours."
You both sigh loudly.
"Twilight I don't think the answer is here."
Twilight slumps in defeat.
"I think you're right Anon."
Spikes choose this moment to pipe up. "Why don't you just ask them?"
"You're right Spike, we'll just have to confront them."
"We? Should I be there for this? After what happened from a simple 'Hello'?"
"Yes, you too Anon."
Spikes shoots you a smug grin.
You'll pay for this dragonling. No one makes you talk to weird cow people and gets away with it.

-----The Street leading to Anon's House-----

"Look Twilight, I still think I'll be a distrac-oof"
Twilight has stopped in front of you, causing you to bump into her butt.
She's pointing towards your house.
"Anon was that there this morning?"
Following her hoof you see that, things have no doubt gotten worse.
On one side of the street is a giant gold dish, reflecting the light of the sun right at your house.
Like it's the fucking Staff of Ra.
On the other side is a large black rock, carved in the shape of...
Well you could only describe it as a Nazgul with a... oh no.
Closing your eyes you facepalm and sigh, the nazgul statue has a green face with a question mark on it.
There's a clacking sound like a knife striking a plate.
Between the two edifices are a crowd of deer, in the middle of which two stags are locking horns. One wearing golden robes, the other a black cloak.
Angry shouts come from the minotaurs, one of the bulls pushes through the crowd of deer and locks horn with the stags too.
"Anon." Twilight sounds nervous.
"Maybe you should go stay at Canterlot, while we sort this out."
"Good idea. I'll go at once. No need to pack."
"I'll write the Princesses a letter to say you're coming."

-----Canterlot Castle-----

This is the life, lazing about in chambers fit for a king.
No stress, no worries, no weirdos outside.
"Anon?"
Celestia is standing in the doorway.
"Oh, hey. Thanks for putting me up."
"You're always welcome here Anon."
You'll remember that next time minotaurs camp outside your house.
"What brings you here?"
"Well, Luna and I were meeting with representatives from the Yaks today and we're having a little party later. Would you like to come?"
Canterlot. Party. Sounds like stuffy nobles and fancy food that tastes like crab vomit.
But then again, yaks. You've heard they're as surly as you are.
Might be worth going.
"Sure, I'll be glad to come."

-----That Evening-----

"It may not be as rowdy as the parties you're used to Anon but we'll make do."
Oh you'll make do, upsetting snobby ponies is your second favourite thing to do in Canterlot.
"Anon, look. It's the Yak ambassadors, come on I'll introduce you."
You get your first look at a Yak. You'd describe them as hairy fuckers.
One of the Yaks makes eye contact with you and immediately stumbles pack in alarm, fear etched on its face.
In rapid succession the other Yaks notice you, also looking terrified.
You nudge Celestia.
"Er, Sunny D. My understanding of Equestrian body language is a bit rough but they look afraid of me."
Celestia only giggles in response.
"Nonsense, they've just never seen a human before."
"Still looks like fear to me."
"Oh very well, why don't you mingle a bit until they get used to your presence. Then I'll introduce you."

You are Elder Icehorn. And tonight is your last night.
Death has come to claim you.
It is an honor that he has come himself to do this.
Truly there can be no higher recognition of your deeds in life.
To have him escort you to the halls of Yakhalla.
The ponies seem oblivious to his presence, of course they cannot see his spirit form.
However the Sun Queen conversed with him. They must be kin of some kind.
But strangest of all, your companions can see him.
He must wish them to take this tale back to your people.
Dare you hope that you might be honored with a Totem?

This old yak has been following you for some time now.
You presume he's old anyway, his mane is grey. Must be the lead ambassador.
He hasn't approached you, just stood a respectful distance away.
Watching and waiting. Must be trying to suss you out.
You decided it was best to let him get on with it at his own pace.
First Contacts haven't been your strong suit in this dimension. Especially over the last few days.
It is kinda creepy though. Though you do your best not show it.
But he's followed you to the buffet, when you chatted with Celestia and when busting your finest moves on the dancefloor.
The clopping of heavy hooves distracts you from your current task of finding out what the fuck a volovant is.
The Yak is finally approaching you, this friendship stuff is easy.
"Great Khan, I know it must have been eons since you last enjoyed mortal pleasures but I beg of you. When do we depart for the Hallowed Halls?"
You what mate?

"I... think you have me confused with someone else."
"Is this a test Great Khan, ah yes. A riddle before you talk my spirit to the Halls of the Dead"
Spirit? Halls of the dead? The fuck?
"I'm not here to take you anywhere."
"You are not here for me, it is not my time?"
Does he think you're here to kill him? The fuck has Celestia told these yaks about you?
"Excuse me a moment."
You beat a hasty retreat, while the old yak bows.
"Of course Great Khan."
Brushing past ponies you make a beeline for Celestia.
Placing an arm over her shoulder you guide her away from a group of stuffy upper class ponies.
"Celestia we need to talk."
Her face shifts to a worried expression.
"Is something wrong?"
Damn right there is.
"That old yak over there thinks I'm here to kill him!"
She has the good grace to gasp at that.
"Could you go talk some sense into him."
"Of course."
As she moves away you can hear muttering about how on equestria he could have got that idea.

-----Next Morning-----

You never found out if Sunbutt talked sense into the Yaks.
After watching them have a really intense conversation for an hour, you left.
Now you're just waiting around for Celestia to come tell you the score.
And speak of the devil, there's a knock at your door.
"Come in."
Surprise, surprise, Celly walks in.
"Anon, I'd like to talk with you about last night."
"Great, so was he drunk or what?"
She scrunches in response.
"No Anon, he was not drunk. The yaks believe you are the 'Great Khan of the Halls of the Dead.'"
"Did you tell them I'm not?"
"Yes I did. But you have to understand that yaks are very stubborn. Especially about certain things."
Wow, that last statement almost sounded angry. You didn't think Sunbutt could do angry.
"So why am I the 'Great Khan' of dead yaks?"
"The Yaks believe certain eternal spirits maintain various aspects of the world. For example, they insist on referring to me as the Sun Queen."
She practically spat that last part.
"That doesn't really answer my question."
"The spirit they believe you to be is often depicted as a hairless minotaur."
This minotaur shit again! Honestly it's reaching a point where you will kick the crap out of the next thing that compares you to cow people.
"Is there nothing I can do to convince them otherwise?"
"If there was they wouldn't be calling me the Sun Queen. Yaks are very stubborn Anon."
A long, loud sigh escapes your face.
You came here to escape cultural weirdness and now you've been dropped in the middle of some shamanistic bullshit.
"The yaks have also asked to meet with you."
Oh hell no.
"It's up to you Anon. But as I said they can be very stubborn."


Can't believe this is about to happen. Somehow Sunbutt talked you into this.
You're going to impersonate the Yak Grim Reaper.
Celestia promoted the idea of giving them what they want and then they'll leave you alone.
Which sounds logical enough and chances are once they're gone, you'll never have to deal with it again.
And you don't exactly plan on visiting Yakland at any point. Especially after this.
Still, there's a profoundly uncomfortable feeling settling in your gut.
The idea of impersonating some kind of spirit-god-thing doesn't sit well with you.
Welp, no backing out now.
Taking a deep breath you try to compose yourself for what's to come.
"You may enter."
The door swings open and five yaks file in, with what you'll assume is great solemnity.
The grey haired one speaks first.
"You honor us Great Khan."
All five of them bow, ramping up the level of discomfort.
They stand there in silence, waiting. Waiting on you.
What the fuck do you do now? Fucking hell you didn't prepare for this.
"You may ask five questions."
Stroke of genius Anon, get them out of here as quickly as possible.
The yaks begin muttering to each other, no doubt trying to work out their questions.
"Why did you come here Great Khan?"
Seems the old yak is spokesman again. Or spokesyak at least.
"To visit the mortal realms."
"But why not our homeland?"
"I also wished to visit the Sun Queen."
You can bullshit like a pro sometimes. Win medals for your bullshit.
"Is my time to come soon, Great Khan?"
"Fate is best left a mystery old one."
One of the other yaks speaks up.
"Do you come to collect everyyak?"
"I do."
Hope to high fuck these monosyllabic answers sound suitably mystical rather than lame.
You already feel like your pissing on their culture.
Another yak pipes up, he's smaller than the others and his voice isn't as deep. Teenager maybe?
"Great Khan Anon, could you tell my grandfather I miss him?"
A disturbing feeling washes over you, as if a million voices cried out and were suddenly silenced.
"I will. You may go."
The yaks bow and leave the room. Once the door shuts you put your head in your hands and scream internally.

-----Later in Celestia's Room-----

"I hope your meeting with the yaks wasn't too bad."
A loud sigh escapes you.
"Frankly I'd rather forget it ever happened."
Celestia nods sagely at this.
"I understand Anon."
A sudden thought sparks through your mind.
"Celestia, the spirit they think I am. Is it real?"
"Yes and no."
You shoot Celestia an unimpressed look.
"I think it was real once but it wasn't a spirit."
"Go on."
"Heroes perform great deeds. Stories are told about them, then the stories become legend and with each retelling they become further from the truth."
"So this death spirit, was some ancient yak hero?"
"Most likely. I've seen how history can become distorted by time."
Makes sense. Perfect sense. It's like a weight being lifted from your mind.
"That makes me feel better about this. Thanks Sunbutt."


-----Several Days Later-----

It's been a quiet week, you're finally starting to relax.
"Any word from Twilight Anon?"
You don't even care about that shit anymore.
"I'm sure she's fine. Didn't you say someone was joining us for lunch?"
Celestia just smiles and pushes the door open.
"Hey Anon! This is some bomb ass tea."
Son of a bitch.
Arms outstretched, eyelid twitching, fingers frozen in a clawlike rictus you advance towards Shining "Surfer Dude" Armor.
"It's so good to see you again Anon."
Cadence mistakes your intent and intercepts your 'hug'
"You know Anon, I don't think you've ever been to the Crystal Empire. Perhaps you should go with Cadence and Shining when they leave."
Sunbutt is grinning like a Discord. A pox upon thy house foul princess.
Cadence just tightens her hug.
"That sounds like a wonderful idea!"


-----The Crystal Empire-----

You are Princess Candy Ass. Or at least that's what Anon calls you.
He's silly that way.
But it's wonderful to finally have him here, Twilight has told you so much about him.
"Hey, what's this thing."
"That's the Crystal Heart-"
Shining continues explaining while Anon walks closer to the Heart.
Is it just you or is it spinning faster...
Yes, yes it is.
"Anon maybe you sho-"
Before you can continue a thunderous boom echoes from the Heart along with an intense flash of light.
Blinking spots out of your eyes, you find that Anon is gone.
In his place is a huge ethereal figure.
It resembles Anon but three times his height, with wings and a horn.
Is this what Anon would look like as an Alicorn?
A gasp of shock is torn from you. At the center of the ghost-like being is a second crystal heart.
Another flash of light and the vision is gone, with Anon back where he was.

You are Anon and all these ponies are staring at you like you just pissed on the Queen of England.
"What? Is there something on my face?"
Are you not supposed to ask about the spinning heart thing?

-----Three days later outside Griffinstone-----

It was interesting in the Crystal Empire. Ponies were a bit weird though.
Especially when you asked about the crystal heart.
Cadence was a bit distant as well, stress of being a princess you suppose.
Still it put you in mind to see a bit more of Equestria.
Not exactly a world tour but you decided to see Griffonstone before heading back.
Speaking of which, the place isn't what you expected.
Kind of bird-nesty. And the whispering and staring, gryphons watching you from their homes.
It's like a western, you feel like the new sheriff entering a town dominated by the bad guy.
"Hey you."
You point at a gryphon standing next to some kind of cake cart, she's probably this town's Pinkie Pie.
"I have a name you know. It's Gilda."
She scoffs at you. Catbird got some sass.
"Yeah whatever, where's the nearest bar."

----That evening----

You may have passed out at some point.
Because you just woken up naked with a catbird on your chest.
Tentatively you sniff the air. Yep smells like sex.
You got drunk and fucked, what was her name? Gilda?
Looking around the room, everything's smashed up.
Was there a fight? You can't remember.
The movement wakes the Gryphon on your chest.
"Go back to sleep, you can build me a birdbath later."
She yawns and settles back down.
Birdbath? The hell?
Slumping back into bed you try your hardest to remember what you did last night.

-----The next Morning-----

"God. Damn. It."
Whatever you did two nights ago, you did it again last night.
You're standing in front of an empty train station wearing torn up clothes.
Yep, you missed the train. And there isn't another for two days.
"Fuck."
You could go back.... No! Bad penis, bad liver. This would just happen again.
Guess it's time for a long walk. If nothing else it'll give time for your injuries to heal.
"Griffon ladies like to scratch, know what I'm sayin?"
Hand raised, you wait for a high five. But nothing happens.
Because you're alone and talking to yourself.
Go home Anon, you're drunk.
Inhaling the fresh air dramatically you set off, following the tracks.
With only a slight wobble.

-----Four hours later-----

There's a giant pinata snake roaring and hissing at you.
Nope, not giant. It's fucking huge. Thing is size of a train.
"No bad snake. BAD!"
As you bap it on the nose with a leafy piece of hedge, a little sober voice in the back of your mind asks if your next trick is fighting lions with a damp towel.
Strangely the creature lets out a whining noise and settles down.
Kind of like a scolded dog.
An unholy idea enters your mind, fuelled by a slowly diminishing blood alcohol level.

-----Two days later at Canterlot Castle-----

"HE WHO CONTROLS THE FINGERS! CONTROLS THE SNUGGLES!"
It seems Anon has returned from his trip.
"THE SLEEPER HAS AWAKENED!"
A thunderous roar shakes the teacups and startles your Saddle Arabian guest.
"What... What is that?"
Moving over to the balcony with your guests you look down.
"Oh, it's just Anon. It seems he's made a new friend."


-----The next day-----

Luna has reliably informed you that you've been riding around on a Tatzlwurm.
Nopony has been forthcoming on what a 'Tatzl' is or what it means.
Similarly noone has explained why desert pony keeps staring at you when you're around.
Kind of disconcerting really.
So you've decided to spend some time with your new pet wurm. Alone.
Or that was the plan, as the sound of approaching hooves threatens to ruin 'Anon's Me Time'.
"Luna is that yo- Oh."
It's not Luna with more botany notes on pretzelwurm.
"I hope I am not interrupting, yes?"
It's desert pony.
A monosyllabic "Nope" serves as a response before you return to the task of washing down pretzel.
"That's good. I have been hoping to speak to you alone."
The seductive tone in her voice immediately puts you on the alert.
She sashays up to you and says in a low, purring tone. "I want to ride your wurm."
Jesus christ.
"At least buy me dinner first."
As you're about to chastise yourself for using a cliche, the desert pony begins rubbing her head against you like an attention starved cat.
"YES! Yes, I'll buy you anything! Just one, long, hard ride."
Fucking hell, is she having an orgasm?
Well damn. You're not going to turn down someone that desperate to fuck you.
"If you're that desperate lets go right now."
You begin fumbling with your belt.
"What are you doing?"
She's staring at your attempt to drop trou with a very confused expression.
Moments later matched by your own.
"I thought you wanted to ride my wurm?"
Her eyes grow wide in shock.
"Oh. Oh, you. Yeah. The other wurm."
Screaming internally is a new and unpleasant experience.

-----That evening-----

"Few of my people have ever seen a Great Wurm. But I have just ridden one!"
Sparkling Sea invited you back to her guest room in the castle after the ride.
Since then she's been gushing endlessly about how amazing it was. How legendary the beasts are to her people.
While you suck down the grape juice ponies claim is wine.
You're just tuning her out. Letting her riff.
Best to let her get on with it. With any luck she'll have forgotten about the earlier misunderstanding.
Wouldn't want the princesses to hear about that one.
You'd never hear the end of it.
Silence interrupts your internal monologue. Sparkling has stopped talking.
Shit, she must have asked you something. Quick, generic response.
"Er..."
Nailed it.
Sparkling stand up and moves towards you, eyes half lidded in what passes among ponies as a seductive look.
A hoof gently rests on your nether regions.
"You mentioned riding another wurm earlier, yes?"
Fuck.


-----A few days later at Twilights Place----

Twilight called you back to Ponyville. Apparently she's talked some sense into those weirdos.
So now you're all going to sit down and have a nice civil conversation.
"Send them in now."
At her command a guard trots off to summon them into the Fortress of Solitude.
For the ninth time today you wish you were a princess with minions.
Minotaurs and deer all file in. Is that Gilda in back?
In the same instant they all catch sight of you.
"KILL THE SHADOW!"
"PRAISE THE SHADOW!"
"WHERE THE BUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?"
"MOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Fucks sake, raising an eyebrow you look pointedly at Twilight.
"A civil conversation?"
Twilight ignores you, scrunching her face hard.
"YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT."
A loud multi-sided argument ensues, while you sigh heavily and facepalm.


-----5 minutes later-----

You know could probably just leave, none of them would notice.
Too busy yelling.
"Now why didn't you tell me you were having a little soiree Anon?"
"Discord."
There's a collective gasp followed by total silence.
It's kind of creepy.
Oh, right. They're all afraid of the Cosmic Jester.
"Now is not the time Discord."
Ten points for Twilight Sparkle, for having a spine.
"Oh but I think it's the perfect time."
Discord floats over to Twilight and pinches her cheek causing her to scrunch furiously.
"They all think Anon is an immortal spirit of whatever. And he is. And isn't."
He looks more smug than a Dad whose kid scored the winning touchdown.
Fucking snake knows shit. Probably behind it all too.
A flash of light and a huge bonfire appears, with Discord next to it dressed like a shaman.
"Let me show you."
Reaching into a pouch, he throws some dust into the fire.
Smoke rises, forming the border of some kind of portal. Like magic CCTV or something.
It's you. Stumbling home drunk.
"Can we not wa-"
A claw presses against your lips, silencing you.
"Sshhhhh, no talking during the movie."
Images flash by like a 'best of' clip show.
You stumbling drunk into the Everfree.
You falling into a pool.
You and... you? Climbing out of the pool?
Both of you getting even more drunk and playing with some stone altar.
A portal opens, the other you gets sucked into it.
You being too drunk to notice, stumble home and remember none of it.
More vignettes run, your other self getting dumped in the past.
Encounters with yak, deer, minotaurs, griffins, ponies, everything.
And then the finale.
Everyone present watches as your other self ploughs a dragon queen.
The images fizzle again, revealing a dragon and your other self with a....
A- A baby Discord.
Discord snaps his fingers, the images and bonfire vanish.
He floats up into your face, an insane grin plastered on his features.
"Hi Dad."
You can feel your left eye twitching but beyond that you can't move.
Can't even think, the mind totally incapable of processing what you just seen.


-----7 minutes later-----

You managed to get rid of everycreature. Having your guards shove them out the door while they were still frozen in shock.
You're still shocked. And very worried. Anon hasn't moved, except for the occasional eye twitch.
Discord meanwhile is orbiting the chandelier looking happier than you've ever seen him.
Maybe you should write to the princesses, this is out of your league.
Anon on a drunken bender, has managed to travel to the past and become a culture hero, ancestor spirit or monster.
To every civilisation in Equestria. All of them!
And is responsible for the Spirit of Chaos floating around your light fixtures.
Where do you even bucking start with something like this?
Bucking Anon.