[h1] A.) Copyright Management. [/h1]
This profile, and all images, text, and secret messages to the NSA or to hovering motherships, should be considered copyrighted material. Your appreciation of material contained should be for personal use only. The reader cannot, will not, and most important, cannot copy any of all parts of my profile or conversations, excluding the following made up word: [i] antedelopean. [/i]

Mere visitation of my profile constitutes a non-disclosure agreement not to share the contents of my profile or conversations with anyone. Describing such to groups of more than 3 people, or less than 2, shall be considered a criminal act of piracy under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act. Describing it in an entertaining fashion shall be considered an unauthorized rebrodcast.

No parts of our conversations shall be "sampled" or "remixed" or "mashed-up" or "recontextualized" or "used as inspiration" or "borrowed from" or "used as source material" or "be nearby when working on a new project" or "thought about during sexual intercourse as a way to delay orgasm."

My being may linger with the reader for 6 to 24 months after interacting with me and affect one's actions. Therefore, by reading this, Sheba is given exclusive rights to all books, movies, plays, paintings, photographs, light operettas, wood carvings, multimedia displays, new recipes for Gumbo, dance maneuvers, pop songs, or orchestral works creating under Sheba's influence. If works are created, Sheba is to be giving top billing, or co-creator credit, whichever is deemed more impressive.

The reader retains no right to transfer this material to other devices such as iPad, iPhone, PadPhone, Kindle, Kindle Fire, Kindle Sprindle, Paperback, Mass Market Paperback, Player Piano Scroll, Audiobook, Videobook, Odorbook, Snarky Post on Boing Boing, Braille, Zoetrope, Fortune Cookie Strip, or any other form of media in perpetuity throughout this or any other universe.

Transgressions punishable by fine, jail time, or both.

[h1] B.) Terms of Acknowledgement. [/h1]
This profile (hereafter referred to as "this profile") is to only be viewed by a user with their own computer and own internet, if the reader cannot afford their own computer and internet, the reader is to get a job. I hear they're hiring down at the grocery store. I mean, sure, it's just as a bagging boy, but you have to start somewhere. Look, when I was your age, I was a bagging boy for two summers, it taught me a lot about dedication, hard work, and how much I hated being a bagging boy. Those are lessons you can't buy, well, [i] you [/i] can't buy anything, because, apparently you have no job.

If this profile was viewed at a public place with free wi-fi such as a library, the reader is to hack their internet servers, call the establishment, and then offer to pay for a replacement.

Transgressions punishable by Crocs, Duck Faces, or both.

[h1] C.) End-User Terms and Conditions. [/h1]
To speak with me, you must by above the age of 18, below the age of 18, or on the reader's 18th birthday.

People that interact with me should be national legals in good standing, with little or no criminal record, who have pledged allegience to their flag within the past 24 hours. If you're from an Axis of Evil or Communist country, you must leave immediatly.

I shoud not be interacted with by illegal immigrants, or our conversations read aloud one's children by illegal immigrants. If there is an emergency situation in which an illegal immigrant is the only person available to read aloud to one's children, care should be taken to pronounce the "J"s. Film Composter John Williams should never sound the same as FoxNews pundit "Juan Williams."

Transgressions punishable by Nicholas Cage, Zelda CD-I, or both.

[h1] D.) Physical Treatment. [/h1]
When interacting with my in public through Steam, the device should be held at a 90-degree angle to the floor. If interacting on a sloped suface such as a mountain or canyon wall, a variation or angle of one (1) degree is acceptable, only if verified by compass, plumb line, or cerified Autistic savant. Care should be taken not to cover the profile picture or name on my profile.

If you printed my profile onto a sheet of paper, said paper shall not be used as a trivet, hot plate, or coaster. The use of said paper as a pillow is allowed, as long as the reader slips the paper inbetween a hard cover into a pillowcase of at least 400-thread count, and nothing sateen, because that's tacky.

Utensils are to be held in the American style [i] only. [/i] When cutting meat, the fork is to be held in the left hand, tines down. After cutting your meat, set the knife down on the upper right quadrant or the plate, and transfer the fork to your right hand before eating.

[h1] E.) Privacy Policy. [/h1]
By reading this contract, the reader agrees to allow Sheba acces to and right to boilerplate boilerplate boilerplate lorem ipsum dolor amet Roy G Biv Bel Biv Devoe ABC BBD....are you seriously still reading this? You're supposed to look at all this tiny type and think: "Egad, I don't want whoever wrote all this to sue me!" But try being the guy who has to write it. (Me.) It's a lot of words. Thousands of them. And you have to think about each one. It's tiring man, and the whole time you're sitting there thinking, [i] No one's ever going to read this; it's just there to make people's eyes glaze over while surreptitously stripping them of their rights. [/i] And yet, here you are, reading, fantastic. Thanks a lot buddy, guess that means I have to continue typing this stupid contract on my profile.

Well fuck it, I'm going to spend my Sunday afternoon playing League of Legends while my famiy is celebrating my birthday at the water park, then I'll write what I want to write, because no one is ever going to read this aside from you. Just you. Lucky, lucky you.

[h1] F). Dreams. [/h1]
Yeah. I used to have them. And I can assure you then didn't involve wasting 3 hours generating Byzantine small type-legalese to fill up my Steam profile. I was going to travel, I was going to learn to play guitar, at the very least I would use my considerable writing skills to write something people would actually seek out, instead of trifle past impatiently with a vague sense of antedelopean tedium. (See what I meant about writing skills?) I was going to write the great big novel, or at least the good big novel, Amazon Top 1,000. I'm not greedy. Give me a modest advance and a stern-but-lovable editor who's always [i] haranguing me for that copy! [/i] is that too much to ask?

[h1] G). And By The Way. [/h1]
While we're talking about forgotten dreams, what about yours? We're 6 categories and 1,300 words into this legal Sarlacc Pit, and you're not going anywhere, so I'm getting the feeling you don't have a lot going on either. Let just ask you something, have you ever seen someone of the opposite sex naked? Don't answer; I really don't want to know. I'm depressed enough right now, let me just say this, it's a big world out there buddy, full of interesting and exciting people. Why not put down the magnifying glass to read this and give it to a shot? You'll be suprised what a little sunlight can do for that acne.

[h1] H). The Second-To-Last One. [/h1]
Let's put the both of us out of our misery, shall we? Because I've just about reached my word count and that means that, however mind-numbingly boring and utterly inconsequential it was writing this, at least now I can get some sleep.

[h1] I). Presumption of Agreement. [/h1]
By either reading this section, or skipping it to it's miniscule font size, the reader agrees to the entirety of the contact, regardless of whether they choose to the agreement or not. The reader cannot escape the gravitational pull of this black-hole contract. There is no exit. The contract is a windowless, doorless room. You belong to the contract now.