Natural Born Derper Part 1 - The Derpening

A tiny snippet that turned into something more. Was based on a pic in the thread of Derpy reading Anon's suicide note, she did not take things lying down.

>Derpy tosses the letter aside and dons her robes and wizard hat.
>Throwing open her closet, she grabs a dusty old box and forcefully kicks it open.
>Despite her vows, she smiles and pulls out her old mace and shield. They're a little rusty, but they'll do the job.
>"Momma?"
>Derpy slowly turns around to find her daughter staring up at her with the saddest most tear filled puppy dog eyes. Her little donkey doll clutched tightly with quivering hooves.
>"They'll... they'll come after you if they know you've broken your vows..."
>Derpy pats Dinky on the head and turns away. "No bakers left behind..."
>With that, her powerful wings come to life and she crashes through the wall... mear inches away from the open window.
>"No damn dirty lizards are gonna eat my bestest bud Anon!"

Anon swats another mosquito the size of his fist. He grumbles to himself as the hot furious sun bears down on him. "If I knew suicide was this fucking annoying I would've just stayed home and made caramel infused cinnamon buns.."
He kicks a pebble and watches it fly across the hot badlands dunes. "Diabetus, that's the better way to go about it..."
>Lighting up a cig, he decides to turn and head back home, but before he can even take a step, the ground begins to quake under his feet.
>Rocks and dust fly everywhere as a giant reptilian melee mouthed monster explode out of the ground in front of him.
>The creature leans down, its massive neck bending and twisting as it comes closer and closer to Anon. It opens its mouth, full of razor sharp teeth and it's forked tongue whips out, scenting the air in front of Anon's face.
Anon falls backward and spits out his smoke. "This was a fucking terrible idea!"
>The creature shreeks at him, covering him in a disgusting gooey spit.
As Anon hops up to start running like mad, he hears two more shreeks answer the first one. "Ah shit." is all he can gasp out as two more heads tear their way out of the ground.
>With another explosion, the full body emerges from the ground.
"Fuck!" He turns and starts sprinting for all his unhealthy smoke invested body is worth.
>The hydra, with its giant ground pounding steps is not far behind.
>As he ducks behind a rocky crevice, he can hear the creature spitting and hissing angrily.
Anon laughs as the creature shreeks in annoyance. "HA! Humans aren't that easy you stupid giant fuck off.."
>Anon is interrupted as one of the heads crashes through his cover and comes face to face with him.
The hydra’s maw opens up, once again showing off its rows and rows of angry looking teeth.
“Well.. at least it won’t hurt for long.” he muses.
>Both Anon and the hydra freeze as everything begins to shake. Some kindof sonic boom goes off and Anon falls to the ground as his shitty hideout comes apart all around him.
>The snake head rears up and searches for the cause of the disturbance. Its head veers to the left as a piece of the craggy mountain starts to crack.
>It’s eyes open wide as the tiny sounds become a roaring crescendo as the mountain top collapses.
>Anon shakily gets to his feet and starts running, doing his best to dodge the rock falling all about his head. The hydra is not so lucky as some of the more giant pieces hit there mark, pinning it to the ground.
>It screeches in rage as its heads swing left and right, knocking aside or flat out destroying the giant boulders impeding it.
>Anon stops his running as he notices an armoured up blonde maned pegasis, gently gliding above the hydra, a mace in her mouth and a shield maked with a strange symbol strapped to one of her hooves.
“Derpy!” He screams, trying to warn her off.
>The hydra hisses at him before noticing Derpy. Smiling wickedly, one of the heads snaps upward, striking at Derpy like a viper.
>Anon falls to his knees and screams as all he can see are ruffled grey feathers fly every which way.
>With Anon pacified and the rocks out of its way, the hydra slowly creeps forward. The three heads all lean downward and surround Anon.
>The middle one smiles as the other two open there maws threateningly.
>Anon just sits there, paralysed with guilt.
His head whips up as he hears a muffled yet ferocious high pitched warcry. “Derpy?!”
>The middle one’s teeth suddenly explode outward. Its eye flash open wide as it rears back, soundlessly screaming as Derpy forces her way out of its maw, one painful swing at a time.
>The other two heads start screaming. The hydra, terrified, starts thunderously running away, crashing into and through everything in its path, the middle one still spitting out broekn teeth as they go.
>Derpy, with ruffled feathers and covered in hydra spit, just stands there menacingly, gasping for air.
“Holy shit…”
>Derpy lands on her two hind hooves and hop over to Anon.
“I can’t believe you just..”
>Derpy slaps him. “You big jerk! Don’t do that!”
>Shocked, Anon just looks up at her.
>Derpy starts to cry as she huffs and puffs. “What were you thinking!?”
Anon slowly slides to the ground. “Well… I’ll be honest, might have taken a few too many downer this morning.”
>Derpy leaps at him and embraces him in a big hug. “Balance with uppers you big dumb dumb!”
“Ya ya, I know…”
>“Come on. Lets go home, you owe me some baked goods.”
Anon chuckles softly. “Ya, I guess I do.”