Ore, Twintail ni Narimasu Drama CD 1+2 English TL

Ore, Twintail ni Narimasu.
Original Drama 1: Amazing! It's the Thouarphone!

Souji: I wonder what 'completed secret item' she's talking about.
Aika: Don't let your guard down, Souji. It's her we're talking about so for all you know it could be some device designed to restrain you so she can do all sorts of uncultured things!
Souji: Uncultured, as in...?
Aika: Um...well... Forget it, just be careful!

Thouars: Welcome, Souji-sama~! I was waiting for you~!
Aika: I happen to be here too, you know...
Thouars: Welcome, Aika-san. I was not waiting for you.
Aika: Your attitude is entirely TOO DIFFERENT! *liver blow*
Souji: More importantly, what'd you need, Thouars? What's this secret item about?
Thouars: Ah yes, ah yes. The secret item...is this!
Souji: A smartphone? Well, it looks like one, but...
Thouars: Yes! Both of you, go ahead and hold one each. These are your personalized communications terminals. I call them: the Thouarphone!
Aika: The 'Thouarphone'...? Aren't you the least bit ashamed of your naming sense?
Thouars: Not even the teensie-eensie-weensiest little bit.
Aika: Ugh... I was stupid for even asking.
Souji: So what makes these personalized?
Thouars: I'm glad you asked! Whether it be underground, beneath the sea or in the depths of space they of course will never be out of range, and also feature a voice changer, a material composition analysis feature as well as several other useful features! Through software update it's also possible to add more features!
Souji: Woah!
Aika: Heeh...
Thouars: As a simple communications device, even if you're in a horde of people your conversation won't leak to anyone else. In those situations, the Thouarphone is able to show off its voice obstruction feature! To be specific, it is able to codify your speech in realtime! Amazing, right!?
Souji: Yeah! That's really impressive!
Aika: Eh? What is? What does that even mean?
Thouars: Shall I explain it so that even peanut-brained gorillas can understand?
Aika: You...never learn, do you!? *submission hold*
Souji: Oh, my! A textbook Kamishiro reverse cross arm breaker! What brilliantly smooth execution! ...Okay, enough of that already! (SEE TL Note Below)
Thouars: ...Yes... To put it simply, if Souji-sama were to shout something like "An Ultimegil has appeared!?" in the middle of a crowded public area through the Thouarphone, while we would hear that correctly on the other end the general public would hear something like, 'What are we having for dinner?' instead.
Aika: Huuuh...Well, that does sound useful.
Souji: Yeah, this really helps, Thouars. It's pretty stressful to keep my identity a secret after all. I'm super thankful for this feature!
Thouars: Ahehehe~! As a reward you should knead my breasts...then lift them up...jiggle them...and squeeze them!
Aika: Roger that. IS THIS ENOUGH FOR YOU!?
Thouars: AGGGGHHHHH YOU'LL TEAR THEM OFFFFFFFF
Aika: Hurry up and tell us how to use it already.
Thouars: ...Basic operation is exactly like a normal smartphone. Souji-sama, go ahead and call me.
Souji: Sure. Okay, here it comes!
Thouars: Yes~! Come all over me~!
Aika: God damn it, you!
Souji: Listen well, Aika. First I'm going to try saying, "An Ultimegil has appeared!?"
Aika: Uh, sure.
Thouars: Then I will say, "Deploy on the double, Souji-sama!" in return.
Souji: I can't wait to know what it sounds like to Aika!
Souji *through Thouarphone* TWINTAIL TWINTAIL...TWINTAIL!?!??!
Aika: Eh? Seriously!?
Thouars *through Thouarphone*: Ahaaaaaaahn~! It's Thouars-chan~! I'm phoning you while jiggling my bodacious boobies in this translucent black bra~!
Aika: GOD DAMN IT, YOU...!
Thouars: AHHH OW OW OW OW!! T-THE UNIQUENESS...OF ONE'S INDIVIDUAL PERSONALITY...IS THE BASIS FOR THE CODIFICATION...!
Aika: ...I see. So that's why Souji's sounded like ancient Twintailian.
Souji: Oh man, is that what my voice sounded like? I wish I could hear it!
Aika: Well, Souji... Give me a...call too...
Souji: Sure! May as well try something different then, so... TAIL ON!
Tailred: Time to see if it still works properly while transformed! Um...Aika's number is...
Thouars: Oh, she's the second one down in the address book. 'Bitch Gorilla', that's her.
Aika: BITCH GORILLA!??!
Tailred: Ah, this one.
Thouars: Ah, look, see? It's ringing!
Aika: Khh... *picks up*
Tailred *through Thouarphone*: Aika, hurry up and get to the scene!
Aika *through Thouarphone*: Roger. I'll be right there so wait for me! ...Or something. How is it? Can you hear me properly?
Tailred *through Thouarphone*: I heard it just fine, but... How was it for you, Thouars?
Thouars: Myyyy, it was absolutely perfect~! Aika-san's voice was codified so naturally it was almost shocking! You two use those phones without hesitation!
Aika: I see. Well, let's just confirm how naturally it really sounded then, shall we?
Thouars: ...Eh?
Aika: I made sure to aaaabsolutely get a hidden recording of it, after all!
Thouars: Ah...A-A-Aika-san, I...I uh, thought you weren't good with electronics?
Aika: I am. But you made this device sooooooo easy to use~! So, play. *presses Play on voice recorder*
Aika *recording*: KYAHAHAHAHA~! I WANT TO EAT RAW MEAT!! RAW IS THE BEST THERE IS! I FUCKING LOVE IT RAW~! Why, you ask? BECAUSE I'M A BITCH OF COURSE, GYAHAHAHAHAHA~!!
Aika: *presses Stop* ........Thouars.
Thouars: ...Y-Yes.....?
*senseless violence goes here*
Tailred: That's the legendary power technique of the Judo world... the Jigoku-Guruma! ...Go easy on her, Aika...

*later at school*
Aika: Jeez... If we use those things then when Thouars calls you it'll sound like you're dating some slut to everyone else!
Souji: Don't get so mad about it. She said she'd try to adjust that part, didn't she? If we're gonna be fighting the Ultimegil then an item like this is mandatory! ...Huh? It's gone! Did I seriously drop it!?
Aika: Eh!?

*elsewhere in school*
Erina: Oh my, a lost item? *picks it up* A smartphone, it seems? *it starts ringing* Hreh!? What should I do? But if the caller is a friend of the owner, perhaps I can find out who to return it to! *picks up call*
Thouars *Thouarphone Codification*: Ehehe~! This sensitive tip of yours...I'll start stimulating it right now~!
Erina *Thouarphone Codification*: Ahhhhh...! You mustn't... That's...! B..but...right there is... SO GOOOOOOD~!

Souji *narration*: It was good that no one was actually around to hear it... but why in response to Thouars's 'Sorry to call while you're at school, do you have a moment?' the student council president's voice saying, 'It appears the owner of this smartphone has dropped it accidentally' sounded like that... It would be some time before that mystery was unravelled...

*TL Note: I don't recognize who Souji is talking about, but I imagine they're either a Judo master or pro-wrestler. For more info on the move she used, please see: http://ja.wikipedia.org/wiki/腕挫十字固

===========================================

Ore, Twintail ni Narimasu.
Original Drama 2: Glued to Twintails! 24-7!

Tailred: BLAZER BLADE! GRAND BLAZER~!!
Ultimegil: More...I wanted to admire more...of my beloved bare kneecaps...! *explodes*
Tailred: Whew. He was a surprisingly tough enemy, huh?
Tailblue: He was. We've been fighting nothing but weaklings lately so I let my guard down.
Thouars: Souji-sama, excellent work! Please return to school!
Tailblue: Hey, I worked my butt off too you know! Red might've finished off the Ultimegil, but the one who corralled all the Elemelians was--! *Thouars hangs up* Ugh, that damn Thouars...!

*They return*

Thouars: Welcome back, Souji-sama~! *hug*
Souji: Uh...yeah.
Aika: Like I keep saying... I'm back too, you know!
Erina: Good day. It appears you're all together.
Aika and Souji: Class prez!
Souji: Why are you here all of a sudden? Do you need something?
Erina: Yes. I found this smartphone, so.
Aika: Ah! The Thouarphone!
Erina: Thouar...phone...?
Aika: Oh, it's nothing! It's just a smartphone, just a smartphone! It's mine, so thanks so much for finding it!
Erina: Not a problem at all. I'm simply glad I was able to return it to you in time for the TV broadcast!
Souji: TV? Did you have something you wanted to see during lunch break?
Erina: Yes! If you would like, you could join me in the A/V room for it.

Erina: It should be starting soon. Ah, it's starting!
TV Report: Continuing our coverage, it's time for today's Twiltails Special Corner!
Souji: 'Twintails Special Corner'? To think something like that was on TV!
Thouars: Oh, you didn't know? It's broadcast every day around lunchtime.
Souji: Heeeh...
Erina: I of course record every episode, but I thought I would try to catch it in real-time for once...
TV Report: To start, let's begin with the Tailred Corner. After she finished the battle a large swarm of fans descended upon the victorious Tailred.
Girl A: SO CUUUUUTE~!<33 Hey look, I'll buy you something sweet so come home with me, okay~?
Girl B: Stop that you deviant! You're being entirely too physically familiar with her!
Girl C: And what are -you- doing!? Stop touching Red-tan's twintails like you own them!
Tailred: Hey, don't puuuull!! You're gonna pull my twintails off so stop pullingggg!!
Girl C: No way! I'm not giving them back!
Girl B: Hey! Stop clinging!
Girl C: It's fine! Not like they're going away!
TV Report: As always, it appears that Tailred's popularity is a thing to be feared. On that note, various companies have reportedly started production on several Tailred-related goods.
Aika: Eh!? That's all there is!? Just talk about Red!? Isn't there any discussion about Blue? Even today, Blue managed to get some really juicy--!
Thouars: Aika-san, calm down! After this is Blue's special corner, you know!
Aika: Really!? Sweet...!
TV Report: It's now time for today's special corner: What to do if you encounter Tailblue.
Aika: Hreh?
TV Report: Completely opposite to the positively angelic adorable cuteness of Tailred, this corner is about Tailblue, the girl with a devil-like fighting style that's overkill even if her opponents -are- monsters.
Aika: ...What's that about? Are they picking a fight with me!?
Erina: Eh? With Tsube-san? But they're talking about Tailblue, aren't they?
Aika: Ah... well...um...yeah! That's true, but I was just thinking that Tailblue was fairly cute, so it'd be nice if she were given a little more positive coverage...
TV Report: If you have the misfortune to encounter that fearsome Tailblue... Well, just -thinking- about it sends shivers down one's spine, but we decided to get an expert opinion on the matter.
Aika: What sort of 'expert' did they interview!?
TV Report: As a result, several options were suggested. 'Climb a tree'. 'Run away as fast as you can'. 'Escape into the nearest private home'.
Souji: Huh? Is that really all it takes?
Thouars: Seems pretty naïve, doesn't it?
Aika: Souji, don't you start too!
Erina: Tsube-san, excuse me but I cannot hear the TV.
Aika: Mrrnnnn...
TV Report: ...are by no means ways to escape your dreadful fate. According to our expert, Tailblue's maximum speed has been rated at roughly 180 km/h. That's 100 km/h faster than the fastest Cheetah on Earth! It is impossible to escape.
Erina: 180 km/h!? Tailblue is quite amazing, isn't she!?
Aika: Nah, it's not all -that- impressive...
Erina: From what I could gather, it seems she has a punching force of roughly 100 tons! She's probably the strongest human on Earth...
Aika: Nah, nah, nah, seriously it's no big deal!
Erina: Tsube-san, I was not talking about you, I was referring to Tailblue...
Aika: Ah... um, yes! Ehehehe, huh? Ah, the TV broadcast ended! How did it end!? In the end, if you encounter Tailblue you should...!?
Thouars: Yes, yes, I was still listening! If you encounter Tailblue... close your eyes...
Aika: Yeah...?
Thouars: Let the memories of your loved ones flow back to you...
Aika: ...Yeah...?
Thouars: And wait silently for your fate to engulf you.
Aika: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!? Aren't you talking about how to deal with death!?
Thouars: Well there's no helping that, is there? It's one's own misfortune to run into a complete savage like Tailblue... You'd have nothing to do but make peace with your fate and review your life up 'til then, right?
Aika: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A SAVAGE!? If you want to go over your life that badly, shall I show you what a revolving lantern looks like!? (SEE TL Note Below)
Thouars: Bring it on, bitch! I won't lose today! Anti-Aika System Extra, activate! ...Nihihihi~ It has stuff like this too!
Aika: So what? Stuff like this isn't...!
Thouars: Uwaaah! She defeated the steel Anti-Aika System Extra with her bare hands...! See, you -are- a savage! No, you're not even part of humanity anymore! It's just not possible!
Aika: Want to find out just how possible it is with your body!?
Thouars: Please, stop it, Aika-san...!
Aika: Damn you, damn you, damn you...!
Thouars: *incoherent description of exactly how she's being tortured by Aika goes here*

Erina: Mitsuka-kun.
Souji: Yes?
Erina: I was just thinking this, but... From Tsube-san's reactions just now, I don't think she's making a distinction between herself and Tailblue. Though thinking about it, the wildness they both share is.. Could Tsube Aika-san be...?
Souji: ...!
Erina: Tsube Aika-san is Tailblue! ...'s most vehement fan, isn't she!?
Souji: Uh, yeah! Yep! That's exactly it!
Erina: Well then, I can't afford to lose to her! I'll buy even more Tailred goods and strive towards being the ultimate fangirl!

*TL Note: According to JP Wiki, Japanese who have had near-death experiences reported having seen revolving lanterns like those used in summer festivals. SEE: http://ja.wikipedia.org/wiki/走馬灯