MAW 11 Corrections

Apr 22 HybridsRose's review of Chapter 11
Points to address:
1. Change the scene of Gunsou slapping Mikiseki to Gunsou breaking the DC cable.
Key: And even worse, it's not done out of rationality, it's done out of anger/emotions. And he obviously blames Mikiseki for it, blames his action on her giving him the game.
...but you should rewrite Gunsou's reaction to make him appear more childish to balance it out, and perhaps tone down the slap, if you're gunning for an older audience.
2. Delve deeper into Mikiseki's mind rather than purely focusing on Gunsou.
Key: Her point of view mainly revolves around Gunsou, and it doesn't mention any other dreams/goals apart from Gunsou-related things, and it just makes her seem two dimensional.
Does she live alone? Who's usually at the house when she arrives? Won't they be worried? Will Mikiseki make some kind of excuse? Does she care enough about them to not go home to them and instead go to someone else's house?
3. From 2, delve into her emotions.
Key: She could be bitter regretful. She could be non-caring happy, and feel relieved she doesn't have to return home. She could be indifferent but considerate, she could feel anxious and worried. etc.
...
"Um...uh..." I stutter and trip over myself, "Well, I just guess Kitamura still hasn't learn how to fight-"
*SNAP*
With a sweep of a shaking hand, he literally cuts me off before I can get another word out between our minds. He used enough force to break the connector on his hand, leaving a broken tail of cable dangling from his Neuro Linker, resembling a dangling limb in likeness.
"I...I never said I wanted to play such a game," he growls, "I thought you said that I'd understand myself better, but Tsuboi told me otherwise, that the main point of Brain Burst is 'Acceleration.' And now I see Avatars beating up one another, with realistic feelings of pain?"
The look he sends me tells it all; his feelings of betrayal and utter confusion, and above all, the look of someone who just found out they were lied to. But it's not his fault after all, he's too new to understand!
"I've never lied, Gunsou," I reach out for his hands again, to try and regain control, "The self-reflections, the Acceleration, and the duels, they're all part and parcel of understanding yourself. It'll come to you in the long run, okay?"
But he flicks my hands away, standing from his seat. "No...No, I've had enough! I am not going to waste my time on a silly game!"
And he storms off, leaving the classroom as quiet as it was before. The warmth of our hug earlier is quickly replaced with cold regret and anxiety in the pit of my stomach.
Give him time to understand, a voice urges from the back of my head. Weren't you just as confused the first time you received Brain Burst?
"Yeah... Yeah, I was confused too." I murmur quietly to myself. Rising from the chair, I grasp the handles of my bag and slowly leave the classroom.
What if I visited his house?
I freeze mid-step as the outrageous thought strikes me.