more introspective bull

Well it's happened, we found out what's happened to Mom. And now I am officially the only person in my family left who's not a leech. I'm the only mortal here.

How the hell do I handle that?

I don't want to be a leech, that's the opposite of what I want entirely. They can't eat, and that might be fine for them, but I am but a woman with all a woman's vices. And my vice happens to be food. Lots of food. For that matter I couldn't blaze up anymore, and Sister couldn't get that high from me anymore. I do it because I need to, I have anxiety attacks otherwise and it's really bad. I've almost died over being medicated for it before. So if I couldn't do it, then... well I don't want to think about it. Like ever.

I don't even think I can be one anyway. Not a lot of things these guys do seem to even do anything to me. I've gotta assume that goes up to the weird blood shit that happens when you get turned into a leech. I'd probably just die, outright. I'm just the random-ass werewolf in a family full of vampires now, no big deal. Literally, even. I heard we might have some kind of ancestor or some shit still kicking out there.

I guess this is maybe the first time I've had to actually think about my own mortality. I'm still fucking terrified of being immortal. That much hasn't changed. I can't see myself being able to live with myself for hundreds of years. I've hardly been able to live with myself for twenty-four years. It gets rough. I mean, I don't want to completely lose it. I feel like that'd happen after that long. It's already almost happened a couple times just on its own.

But I don't want them to have to see me get old and die, either, y'know? As it is right now, they're gonna have to watch me wither away while they're the same as they always were. And sister and I have always said we don't think we could live without each other. What happens to her after I die? Is she just gonna lose it? Am I going to be that weird stuffed fox in her office that she talks to like some kind of lunatic even though I'm not really there? Man, that's not how I wanna go out... I know, I always said I wanted them to pose me on my motorcycle. That's not really what I meant.

I know it'll fuck them up. It kinda fucks me up just thinking on it, and I'm perfectly okay with dying one day. Not now, but one day when I've done everything I want to. But hell, I couldn't picture losing Anya like that, where I'm just stuck here for however long and she's gone forever. I can only imagine how much it'd hurt... how much it will hurt, rather.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place here. I'll be a woman and own up to it: It scares me. I've said a lot of things scare me, but this really scares me. I don't want to live forever, but I don't want them to have to deal with that kind of hurt. Hell, I don't even want them to have to see me old and withering away.

So what the fuck do I do?

I've been thinking about it a lot lately, since it went down. I have a lot of questions. Will she be okay? How many murders am I gonna be indirectly responsible for because of it? Is it going to be enough that I lived out my life happy and in a relatively good place? Am I going to end up a taxidermy project in her bedroom? Is there a way to make me live longer without making me immortal or making me give up my humanity or who I am?

I mean, it's not like she'd believe me if I said siring me won't work. That's what the hearsay says, anyway. I question if she wouldn't want to try anyway, even if it were clearly spelled out for her that it won't do anything but kill me. So any time it comes up I just say no, I don't want to, I never want to, don't even try, don't even think about trying. That way she's not setting herself up for the ultimate disappointment if some shenanigans happened and she tried it for whatever reason.

On the other hand, there's a little sliver of me that wishes it were possible, just as a backup plan. If something happened to me early like it did to Mom, I wouldn't actually be opposed. If I were really sick of myself or if I really needed to I could just throw myself under the sun anyway. I mean, I wouldn't be the happiest person on the planet, but aren't there vampire drug dealers? I think I ran into one once. You do what you can, I guess. Maybe there's some way I could even still eat things.

But it's not possible. And I guess I've just accepted that by now. Sure a contingency plan would be nice, but here we are. I'm mortal, and that's that. But seeing as she keeps asking, I don't know if she's even accepted the fact that I keep saying no.

I understand.

I do.

I don't want to lose her either.

I'd insist too if I were in her place. I think the fact I'm even putting this in this diary says that much. I don't want her to have to live through me dying, not like that. Maybe she thinks I'm not acting like myself when it comes to that, but... better not to try, I think.

She is the light of my life, probably my only real friend out there. All my werewolf 'friends' are kinda weenies and they're not even into the same stuff I am. I mean, we have what, one badass, and then a corgi and two vampires. And none of them even do games like I do. We don't have any common ground. Not like my sister and I.

And I guess that's why I'm struggling so much over this. I don't want to be responsible for putting her through that.

I don't know what to do.

I'm lost.