starlit heroics chapter 7

~*~*~* Chapter Seven: Salt of the Earth *~*~*~

The group was left tense and bitter after the incident in Magmarne castle, remaining in a simmering, seething silence even as they helped clean up the mess that the dragon’s brush with that warping magic had left. They bid the three Magmarnians, the dragon ambassador and his niece adieu with nothing more than waves and marched back to Librata without a word to each other or passersby.

But eventually, the silence had to be broken, and later that night, Dan called the group into one of the upstairs rec rooms for a meeting of the minds.

“So, everyone…” He began, hesitating a bit, “I think it’s time we address the… elephant in the room, so to speak. Letro’s sudden disappearance.”

“Are we here to discuss how to take him out?” Starr huffed.

“Well… no. Not really.”

“Then what’s the point in being here? None of us can take him on a fight and we know it.”

“I called you all in today to explain that none of us really have to take him in a fight, I guess.”

“What?” Kaj asked, “Are we going to try to use our words? If there’s anything I know about Letro it’s that words don’t work. He only listens to sword. Of course, I thought I knew he could be trusted, too. So fuck me, I guess.”

“No, no, not at all. See, I… well… I knew he was going to turn tail on us-”

“What?!”

“Why the fuck didn’t you say anything?!”

“Will you let me finish! He told me about his plan after we revived Danielle. He wanted to fake a turncoat to try to gather information and sow discord in the enemy ranks. He told me to keep it quiet, because, how’d he word it… because it’s apparently what Stanford Kobrack would do when he wanted a performance to be more realistic. Then he told me to watch The Glowing for a good example.”

“I mean I guess that sounds like Letro...” Kaj folded his arms and frowned loudly.

“We all know that if he had actually been out to kill us, he damn well would have. But they don’t know that, so whatever that thing was ate it up.”

Angel just shook her head. “I hope this goes well. I mean, you’re not lying. I could tell if you were. Ugh… what a drag, though...”

“I know, I know. We’re one man down and things just keep getting worse. But I can probably make it better! Because… tomorrow, we’re going to Terrantia! I’m kind of figuring Ila’s going to kick the ass of anyone who tries to mess with Terrantia Castle, so we can go in, get the crystal, and go to the beach to unwind. Does that sound like a good plan?”

There was a murmur of agreement among the group.

“Great! If we’re lucky we can even get Ila to give us permission to go to the special beach.”

Angel raised her hand. “You’re not talking about the nudist beach, right?”

“No I’m not talking about the nudist beach!” Suddenly, Dan looked more flustered than he had much right to. “I mean the royal beach. That belongs to the royal family. That special beach.”

“Oh, okay. I was worried. You know nudist beaches sound great in theory but then you actually go to one and it’s nothing but old men and women who need a forklift to move around their houses.”

“Have you… have you actually been to a nudist beach?”

“Er, well, I mean that’s what I’ve heard.” Suddenly, Angel felt the entire room’s eyes on her.

“Well yes you have.” Spirit finally stated. “Remember? That was the time Hayward had to drag you home because of that incident with the weird Rusmor and the pineapple-”

“First of all, how dare you. Second of all, it wasn’t Hayward, it was Hayward’s sister.”

“Yes, because that’s such a huge difference. One has tits and the other doesn’t. Honestly if you put a binder on her no one would even know the difference.”

“Yeah they would. His sister actually emotes. Also she sells dicks for a living. A… second living. Because being the Terrantian royal attendant wasn’t enough I guess.”

Dan exchanged an uncomfortable glance with Kaj and Luna.

“So, beach?”

“Beach.”

“Sounds lovely.”

“Great. You’re free to rest up here tonight if you need it. It’s been a long day.”

“Very long...” Luna sighed. “Is that why you were so tense all day?”

“Yeah, that’s exactly why. And I mean don’t get me wrong, I get the idea. I get why he did it. I just would have rather he let me tell everyone.”

“I understand… I think I’ll be taking up my usual guest quarters, is that alright?”

“That’s fine. We can leave any time tomorrow, so feel free to relax.”

“That sounds wonderful, thank you.”

“Great, so, I’m gonna go to sleep and try to forget today ever happened. You guys have fun with… whatever it is they’re on about. Something about nudist beaches or something? I don’t even know. I tuned out at ‘pineapple’.”

“Don’t worry, we aren’t paying attention anymore either.”

“Lumentian crazies...” Kaj grumbled. “Yeah, sounds good. Come on Luna, let’s get you set up.”

“Oh, my… if you insist, I guess.”

Dan and the totally-not-a-couple soon left the bickering Lumentians to themselves, the pair heading down one hall where the guest rooms were, and Dan going straight to his bedroom, where he slumped into his desk chair and stared long into the mirror. He hoped this would go well for Letro, and they wouldn’t get him back in a jar or something like that Jack guy implied. And speaking of that guy, he guessed they were never gonna see him again, since he was apparently going to be brought before their boss and presumably melted. He shivered. What an awful fate.

On the bright side, he thought, all this meant he could sleep in. Finally. He could use the rest after the past week.

Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. Get the crystals, fetch Lilith’s MacGuffin, move on with his life. That sounded good. But he knew it wasn’t gonna be that easy. Something was going to happen that would keep him invested in everyone else’s goings on and he would never be free.

All of a sudden, he understood what it felt like to be the protagonist of a video game. Tired. Tired is how it felt.

After a little while of staring into the mirror and hoping for sound advice from his reflection, Dan stood up from his chair and fell unceremoniously into his bed. Bed was nice. Bed never did anything wrong.

He had to force an intrusive thought out of his head that openly wondered what if the bed snapped shut right now and tried to eat him. Shut up, brain, he thought, the bed is not going to eat us. Bed is the ultimate good. Bed can do no wrong. Do not slander its good name for the sake of your rumor milling, you scoundrel.

And then, he realized how ridiculous his internal monologue had become since all of this started. Why couldn’t his life go back to being normal? No dead twins, no missing Zempherieans, no crystal nonsense. Just Dan Librata, living his life without being nearly eaten by a magically warped dragon or murdered by a crazy zombie queen.

He knew it could never happen, but at least he could dream.

~*~*~

Dan’s dreams that night were just as plagued by twisting shadows and enigmatic figures as they had been for the last few days. This time he saw a ruined building, and a girl and a shaded figure fighting in the rubble. He saw the inside of a cramped prison cell from a view on the floor and felt pins in his back and a strait jacket around his body.

As a result, he awoke not much more rested than when he fell asleep, again. As he rose up from his bed and checked the clock, he groaned. Almost noon. Great. The morning was nearly over and he’d kept everyone waiting because he’d had trouble sleeping again, and this time Letro wasn’t here to keep him on point. He’d probably even missed breakfast.

“Hey there, Danno...” He grumbled to his reflection as he brushed his hair and began to get ready for the day, “Time to get up, you chucklefuck… time for me to say some vaguely sexual thing at you just for the reaction. I have no idea whether I’m gay for you or not, I just like to watch you squirm. Because I’m a huge dick who likes to watch people get uncomfortable...” He shook his head. “My Letro impression fucking sucks.”

He shambled down the stairs not unlike Death after a good bender on a Friday night, rousing the concern of his companions.

“Did you sleep at all?” Spirit asked, eye lighting up.

“Er, yes! Yes I did. Slept like a rock.”

“No you didn’t.”

“No I didn’t.”

“It looks like it’s been rough on you. We saved you some breakfast, at least.”

“Thanks.” Dan sighed and took the plate Spirit held out to him, eating his food in silence in the gang’s usual meeting place like some kind of heathen. Or at least, he thought so. Eating anywhere he wanted. Was this what it felt like to be a normal person? That’d be swell.

Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe he was projecting. He didn’t know anymore.

“So, it’s Terrantia today?”

“If nothing else goes sideways, that’s the plan.”

“It’s a good plan.”

Unfortunately for the group, they could sense Dan’s still-welled up tension and his low mood, and the wait for him to finish eating was a quiet one. Sometime in that span of time, Danielle emerged from whatever hovel of books she might have called a bedroom. In a silent understanding, she sat next to him and patted his shoulder.

“It was for the best. He knows what he’s doing.”

“Yeah… I know.”

“I’ll take that back to the kitchen for you. We can get ready to go after that, I think.”

“Thanks, Dani… thanks.”

“No problem.” She pecked him on the top of the head before taking his plate and getting up to do just that.

He sighed a bit and slumped into the chair he sat in. “I’m sorry-”

“Think nothing of it.” Spirit smiled calmly at him. Being looked at by three eyes was still really weird to him. “We can happily consider this our break.”

“Yeah...”

There was another pause. And during that pause, they heard a bit of a commotion from outside. A few bangs, and a rattling. Some obscured shouting. Dan shot out of his chair and ran to the front doors to see what was going on, to find a broken down old junker of a vehicle in front of the castle.

“I told ya! I told ya this old thing wasn’t getting to Ventureni!” came a shout from inside the vehicle.

“I thought it would make it!” Another person cried. Dan swore he recognized that voice, but he might be imagining it too. He sat down on the front steps and watched the scene as two women emerged.

One of them, had dusky skin and raven hair, and her mis-matched eyes looked utterly furious as she pulled down a ridden up tank top and adjusted a cape that she really had no reason to wear, but wore anyway because fuck you is why. The second, much smaller than her, had a long, brown ponytail and a nice black jacket over a green shirt and jeans.

Now that Dan saw the occupants of the vehicle, he knew for sure he recognized that voice. Standing outside of that junker was none other than the host of the Late Night show.

“Excuse me.” He finally spoke up, “Are you by any chance Jax Lawliet?”

“...Oh!” The smaller woman jumped a bit. “Um, yes. Wow. Oh wow. You actually recognize me.”

“Yeah, you just took over the Late Night Show after Clive Anil retired, right?”

“I sure did! Um. Wow. I never thought I would get this far.”

“You look like you’re having Shenomire troubles.”

“A little bit, yeah. My friend here needed a lift back to Kuukinoku City, but… my Shenomire finally gave out.” She patted its hood. “It’s okay old girl. You did good.”

“It did not do good. It died. It died in front of Librata Castle, even. I need to get back home and feed my pigeons and you’re here complementing your dead Shenomire like it’s an old friend from the war!”

“Well maybe it is, you don’t know!”

“Um. Ladies.” Dan interjected. “Do you want to come inside for a while..? We’re about to head out, but I can get you in touch with a mechanic, if you want...”

“That would be good, yeah...”

“It’s better than nothing I guess, ugh.”

“Well, come on in, then. I’ll get on the line with the royal mechanic before we leave.”

“Thanks...”


After a brief phone call, the group finally headed out on their journey, carrying with them beach bags and towels and swimsuits. There was no way this could go wrong, they all wanted to believe. In truth, they knew that it was very likely to turn sideways somehow, considering their last ventures. But they could at least pretend they were safe. Even if things did go sideways, maybe they’d still get to go to the beach.

This time, the long walk to the cemetery took them into a section of headstones made of mossy stone and bedded near-entirely with flowers. The air was clean and sweet here, and only grew moreso as they continued on to the twisted, vine-covered gates ahead of them. Past those gates, was a beautiful, leafy rainforest. In the distance, high over the trees, tall mountains were visible, and in front of them (and much more nearby), was a tower covered in greens and lichens.

“Welcome to Terrantia.” Dan mumbled, as he struggled to push the gates open against the vines. The two guards posted just outside chuckled at the sight, and parted the plantlife for him, allowing him inside.

The trail into the kingdom of Terrantia was very pleasant indeed. The air was neither too warm nor too cold, and the path was hidden from the direct sunlight by the trees already towering above them. It was lit up by odd plants with glowing bulbs at their tops, illuminating algae-covered tree bark and flowers that spored with a glimmering green mist.

In fact, that green mist was covering the path ahead. It didn’t particularly look like anything dangerous, however, so the party trekked through it.

In Earth culture, the unknown effects of plants can be attributed to all manner of supernatural phenomina. Witch burnings occurred because of ergot poisoning. The famous scene of Moses and the burning bush can be traced back to the content of DMT in the bushes found in the middle east. Drugs at their basic level are nearly all derived from some plant or another. On Xephixir, this is still fact, regardless of whether or not an individual knows that the flower they just walked by contains spores with high doses of mescaline in them.

Our heroes were, of course blissfully unaware of this fact.

As they walked, the grass and plants around them slowly began to grow more withered around them. The green, sporing mist seemed to fade into dark smog the further they walked. By the time they reached any civilization, all they saw was ruination.

“What… what happened here?” Dan gasped. “Everything is torn apart...”

“It’s- I-” Angel, who had been quiet, began to become visibly upset. “Everything looked fine on the way in!”

“This was never reported… we need to get to the castle. Now. If there’s anyone still alive, we need to help them. Let’s go.”

~*~*~

It was a quiet day in the spire of Terrantia Castle. Blue skies and gentle breezes carrying a scent that reminded vaguely of lotus blossom throughout the palace’s many windows, which all hung open on this nice summer day.

The woman that sat typing on a laptop in a small rec room on a lower floor knew this was a bold move on her part considering everything that had been happening in the kingdoms lately. But today was beautiful, and anybody who tried to ruin that could eat her fists and her attendant’s whip.

“Hey. Shana.” She suddenly spoke, brushing some lime-colored hair behind a gem-crusted hairband out of her dusty brown eyes. “I need some help.”

“Yes?” Asked another woman in the room, with umber hair pulled back into a long, somewhat-fluffy ponytail woven intricately with flowers. In fact, everything about her was woven with flowers; mostly a variety of roses.

“I need a good, bad-fanfic term for a penis. Hit me.”

“Red-hot meat poker.”

“Genius.” She tapped away at her keyboard and smiled a bit. “Okay, how’s this sound. ‘There once was a man, quite a joker. They called him the sexy stock broker. He got with a girl, who rode him reverse-cowgirl; she worked up his red-hot meat poker’.”

“Absolutely brilliant.”

“I think so. Aaaaand posted. Another day, another limerick.”

“Whatever gets your rocks off, love.”

“Well I mean, it’s not about getting my rocks off. It’s about the art. And what a beautiful art it is. I have to keep myself well-balanced, you know? I can’t just focus on the fighting, that just makes me a one-trick pony. I have to work that right-brain, too.”

“Hasn’t that theory been discredited?”

“Shhh.”

“Mmmhm, whatever you say.”

“Hey. Someone has to write all these limericks. I’m an internet sensation!”

“Yes dear. Yes you are.”

“Hey now. Hey. This is great advertisement for you too. I could do signings! Write limericks based on your dicks.”

“… That isn’t a bad idea.”

“You’re damn right it isn’t. In fact I would venture to say that it is the best idea.”

“Are you sure you want to reveal your face, though? ...Or your tattoos?”

“That is why Ranthael gave us turtlenecks and gas masks, Shana. I’ll disguise myself. No one will ever know!”

“Sure they won’t, love.”

“Make it a workshop! Bring me into the store for the new line and I’ll write limericks for you! It’ll be a hit!”

“Mmmhm. Love?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t believe the visitor that just walked into the room was expecting anybody to be here.”

Ila turned to look at the lanky woman that just skittered into the rec room. What an odd-looking duck, she thought to herself. Tattered blouse, shredded jeans, blindfold. Black hair with bleached bangs. Leg bent at an angle so bad you didn’t need a protractor to see it.

“Can I… help you?” She asked, startling the woman.

“Uh- nothin’! I just got lost, is all.” The woman stammered.

“Riiiight. And how did you get in here uninvited?”

“...Well not for nothin’ but you left all th’windows open.”

“I mean I guess you’re not exactly wrong.”

“Listen, I was just lookin’ for a place to sit for a little bit. Hope that’s okay.”

“You look like you’ve been absolutely run through the wringer.” The attendant commented. “Come here. Lay on the couch for a while. It can’t be pleasant to be walking on that.”

Before she could decline, the woman called Midnight was ushered by vines toward an admittedly rather comfortable-looking couch and sat down. “Really, I-”

“Nonsense. Here, take a seat. Do you need me to call the healers?”

“No- no that won’t be necessary--”

“Shh. Here. It needs to be looked at.”

“Ma’am, I gotta be somewhere-”

“I’m not taking no for an answer.” The attendant’s voice became firm and strict. “Wait there. This needs to be looked at. I mean it.”

Midnight huffed, folding her arms as she left. Well, now she was down. Now, she actually would not be able to get up comfortably. And on top of that, she was being supervised. This was just great.

“… So.” The other woman began, “What actually brings you here?”

“I told you, I was lookin’ for a place t’sit for a minute.”

“And yet, when you get that place, you get all skittish.”

“’Cause I don’t have time t’deal with medics.”

“Can I at least ask why you’re in such a rush?”

“No, y’can’t.”

“You sure? You’re not up to anything, say, nefarious, are you?”

“No!”

“That doesn’t sound sure. You know, there’ve been a lot of problems in the kingdoms lately, and as princess I have to keep tabs on anything suspicious...”

“Y’mean like whoever’s standing behind you?”

“Wh-” The princess whipped around, and stared down at a tiny, dark-haired, androgynous individual. She was used to towering over people, but this was ridiculous.

“Hi.” The voice that came out of this person, however, was very clearly feminine.

“Hi…? Why are you in the castle.”

“Boss told me to steal some crystal thing.”

“What--”

“But I don’t wanna. So I’m just gonna not, and say I did.”

“I- okay.” The princess’s look was one of pure acceptance.

“This kingdom is really pretty. We don’t have plants like this on Cerphixen. We only have plants that are gross and twisted up and try to kill you.”

“Wh- Cerphixen?!”

“Yeah. You know, had a ‘cataclysm’ a hundred years ago? Ruled with an iron fist by a big stupid pointy guy? He’s dumb and I hate him.”

“I mean I already know what Cerphixen is but-”

“Dumb and stupid. I don’t get how Xephixir is supposed to be inferior. You have rainforests and blue skies and things smell nice and- look. Look. There are fruit trees just outside the window. If we want fruit we have to raid them from other planets! They usually have bruises and stuff by the time we get them! Are we supposed to just be the ignorant villains? The boss can’t actually enjoy ruling the planet while it’s all crusty like that. Or maybe he keeps it crusty because it’s easier to be a dick to everyone like that. Wow. Wow I think I just had an important realization about why everything is the way it is.”

“… Are you like, okay? Ever?”

“I was sold into servitude at five years old. I am never okay.”

The princess glanced backward at the other obvious thief lying on the couch looking impatient. Midnight shrugged back at her.

“Uuuh huh… look, if you want at the fruit, you’re gonna have to ask my attendant when she gets back. Those are her trees.”

“Oh. Okay. I can do that. You know. As long as no one comes looking for me. I mean. They might send reinforcements. And they’re kind of nasty. And by kind of I mean really nasty. They’d fuck you up. They’d kick your...” The girl paused to look over the princess’s defined musculature and tattoos that made it look like parts of her were not flesh, but mossy stone. “… they’d try to kick your ass. They’d kick my ass. They’d kick their own asses.”

“I… see. Sooo… what’s your name?”

“Oh. Name’s Rina. That’s it. I don’t have a last name. You know. Because I was sold. Into servitude. Before I knew what it was.”

“I mean, yeah, I heard that part… um. Name’s Ila, I guess.”

“Oh, well, nice to meet you, Ila! Who’s your friend?”

“We ain’t friends. And you… call me Midnight, I guess.”

“That’s a weird name. Then again, so is the boss’s name. And so is Ultima. Man that guy. That guy’s a dick. Jack thought he finally got out and got a new gig. He didn’t. Ultima just showed up and dragged him back when he came to get the new guy. Boy was he lucky the boss likes his coffee-serving skills or else he would have been melted. Still hasn’t found those kids though. That’s good though because he’s been looking for any excuse to melt them. He only didn’t because everyone else told him no. Except I think Jack thinks it’s because of Number One. But he’s kinda not too bright.”

Ila had to stop and process this all. It was a lot of information. “Wow, sounds like you have it rough. You sure you don’t wanna just like… not go back?”

“I mean, I could do that. I thought about doing that. But then Jack got brought back and like do I want to try to get away or do I want tentacle-fucker to come find me? ‘Cause he will. And I don’t have coffee skills. I’ll be melted. Or worse. I’m a girl. I could end up like Number One. Oh man is she not doing too well. Maybe I should bring her back some nice fruits. The boss won’t let her come here. He thinks she’s his pet. That’s gross.”

“...Ew.”

“I don’t think pet status is very nice. She cries a lot. Like a lot. So I can’t just flake. Don’t want it don’t need it.”

Ila once again had to pause, again glancing at Midnight. Even she looked sort of dizzied. This girl talked really fast.

“Look, just… you can wait till Shana is back and grab some fruit. I’m sure she’ll give you some. Maybe we can get you a fake crystal or something.”

“Oh could you? I don’t think he’ll know the difference at all. He just told me I needed to stop a bunch of ‘pestilent worms’ from getting this far. Nah. I’m not gonna do that. I don’t know what worms he means but he talks about Xephixerians that way. Told you. Stupid and dumb. And stupid. And crazy. I want someone to kick his ass but no one who tries comes back. He melts them. So all I can do is spite him. I’m good at spite. If not for spite I would probably drop dead on the ground. So I’m not gonna actually try to stop them.”

“Glad to hear it…?” Ila couldn’t help but try to imagine what would happen if she introduced this diminutive motormouth to coffee. Some experiments weren’t meant to be done, for the sake of mankind.

Before Rina could start talking again, there was a clatter from outside; the sounds of a fight. Both Rina and Ila darted outside to investigate the clamor, and skidded to a halt to find a number of armed assailants surrounding the attendant and another woman. Rina seemed to retreat back into the room at the sight of them.

Thankfully, the two seemed to have no trouble beating back the assailants, but it didn’t stop Ila from barging into the fight with a fist covered in rough stones. With one, two, three punches, she left them broken and bleeding. By this time, the royal guardsmen came to take them away, and things once again settled.

“...You weren’t kidding about the backup.”

“Y… yeah. I need to go. Can I have that fruit basket before I leave? You can keep those guys. Do whatever you want with them. They’re huuuuuge assholes.”

“Um… duly noted.”

“Oh! Yes, yes I can get you a basket of fruit. Please hold! Isra, the girl is in the rec room. Please do make sure she stays put long enough to be treated. Impatient one, she is.”

“Of course.” This fourth woman wore her jet-black hair in a military pixie cut, and was covered in scars over her toned muscles and olive skin. She ushered the other two back inside swiftly, and when she caught sight of Midnight, visibly winced.

“Er… hi…?”

“How long have you left that untreated?”

“Listen, I gotta go so it’s gotta stay untreated-”

“No. You’re staying here.” The voice this woman put on was that of a hardened military commander, which very clearly made Midnight uncomfortable and even more fidgety than she already was.

“But-”

“Staying.”

“You don’t understand, if I don’t get outta here-”

“If you don’t leave, what.”

“If I don’t get outta here I stand a strong chance of gettin’ horribly murdered.”

“By whom.”

“I- I can’t tell you that. Tellin’ you that will get me even more horribly murdered.”

“Then you will be placed under protection. But you are staying put, and you are going to let us fix your leg. Am I understood.”

“Y-yes, ma’am… please don’t hurt me-”

“Hurt you? No. I want to fix you.”

“That’s what they said…” she mumbled under her breath, unaware that the whole room could hear her and grew ever more concerned.

As the blind intruder was examined, there came another commotion from outside. This time, only Ila peered around the corner, and what she saw, confused her.

Stumbling up the stairs were the two royal siblings of Librata, the princesses of Lumentia and Zempheriea, and three others she hadn’t seen before, with wide eyes and horrified faces.

“They’re all… they’re all dead.”

“Salt pillars. Oh, Hayward is going to be pissed.”

“Quick. We’ll search upstairs. Angel, you and your cousins look around down here. Kaj and Luna, hit the basement.”

“Got it.” Two of them ran off again, while the others trudged forward. Dan and Danielle walked right past them, while Angel gently placed her hands on Ila’s face.

“She’s still warm… this must have been really recent.”

“I’m still alive, numbskull.”

“So warm that I think I can even hear her… fuck. We need to find that crystal.”

And off they went again. Ila slowly turned to look at Shana with an eyebrow raise inquisitively.

“...So, it wouldn’t per chance be bitterblossom-blooming season, would it?”

“It started last week.”

“Bitterblossom spores are a class I controlled substance stuffed full of the same hallucinogen that’s in peyote. They are tripping the fuck out.”

“… Yeah, that tracks. Do you want to try to stop them?”

“We probably should. You cover the lower floors, and I’ll get the ones who just ran upstairs.”

“Done. I don’t think our friend is going anywhere now.” The rose-laden woman made a head motion inside the room, where the feisty woman was now being outright pinned by the much stronger medic as she figured out what to do about that leg.

“Good. Let’s hit it.” Ila darted off in the direction of the spiraling staircase that led up to the top of the tower. She caught up to them rather quickly, as they were struggling to ascend the number of stairs required to reach the pinnacle of the spire.

“This is a lot of stairs...” Dan huffed, gripping at his chest.

“No one told us there’s be this many stairs, no one...” Danielle wheezed. “They really should have, what if somebody with a disability was coming up here...”

“No one warned us...”

Ila made a face. Did they just meme without realizing it?

“Tell me about it. Least they could have done is install an elevator...”

“Don’t speak ill of the dead, sister...”

“I was dead, I’ll speak ill of whoever I want...”

Wait, when did Danielle die? This was news to Ila. Was this the big thing that happened in Zempheriea that no one wanted to talk about? All Ila knew was that Luna and Selene were safe, something was wrong with their siblings, and that the Libratan council wasn’t talking about it.

Whatever had happened, she seemed fine now.

Well, except for being drugged. That wasn’t fine.

“Guys? Guys I’m gonna need you to come here and just… sit down. You need to sit down.” Ila figured it was worth a try to talk to them.

“Shhh. Did you hear that?” Dan whispered. “I heard voices. Was that just me?”

“No, I hear them too.” Danielle nodded. “… sit down. Why do they want us to sit down?”

“This is japery. This is angry ghosts, or… those Darkness Requiem guys, or something. Don’t buy it. Keep climbing. If we sit down, it’s a trap.”

“I mean, I thought that was quite clear.”

Ila sighed. “It is not a trap. This is Ila. You idiots are fucking wasted as shit. Come sit down and let the bitterblossom spores wear off.”

“Nice try ghosts. We’re smarter than that.”

“Yeah! Keep climbing!”

It was at this point that Ila stared out of a nearby open window, as if it were a camera and she were one of the characters on a TV show about a Libratan office building. “Oh, it’s gonna be a long day. Alright you two, that’s enough.”

She made a grappling grab for Danielle, who shrieked and alerted her brother. Dan followed that up by taking a wide swing with his blade, which Ila deflected easily with a fist made of stone. Arms made of masonry and brick reached out of the wall and held him down, while she tilted Danielle’s head to the side, grabbed a bit of loose skin somewhere around the base of her neck, and pinched. Danielle fell unconscious without much struggle, and she quickly did the same to Dan while he was restrained.

“There we go, that’s better. No crystal for you.” Ila hefted them both over her shoulders and carried them off back to the rec room to the sounds of the intruder screaming in agony.

“The fuck you doin!” Midnight roared, trying to swat the much larger woman away from her.

“Re-setting your leg, child! Settle down!”

“This is fuckin’ torture!”

“It feels as if it has been broken for twenty years! You might need surgery!”

“I gotta get outta here!”

“I told you, you will be placed under protection!”

“Won’t be good enough, they’ll find me! They’ll find me and I’ll die!”

“Child, you need to tell us more than that. Who will find you. Who will kill you. Who is in such desperate need of you? Tell us!”

“I told y’all already, I can’t do that. Swear he knows when y’speak his name.”

“Then tell us as much as you can. Please. For your own safety.”

“Listen. I ain’t been out here twenty years alone just so y’all can get me killed. If y’knew what was up and why I’m runnin’, y’all’d’ve let me go when I told you to.”

Ila paused upon hearing this and muttered under her breath. “… y’all’d’ve? The fuck kind of arcane incantation is that.”

“Then at least let us protect you. At least let us help you. If you keep running around with your leg like this, it could kill you. You will never live to see the end of the road. Do you want to go out like that?”

This much, was enough to give Midnight pause. “How… bad is it.”

“Bad enough that the bone constantly threatens to slip and burst through the skin. You need treatment. Lay back and let me re-set this leg. I believe one of the Lumentian Healer Division was just sighted here. When the attendant rounds them up and they’re sober, we will have her see what she can do. But in order to do that, you must stay here.”

Midnight still looked fraught with hesitation, but sighed. “If I don’t, you’ll just tie me down, won’tcha.”

“By law, I cannot treat a patient that is unwilling. But our attendant seems determined to keep you in one place.”

“Then I don’t really got a choice, do I. Fine. Make it happen.” Secretly, she would give anything for a life free of agony and painkiller addiction. But that nagging voice in the back of her head still told her she would get killed for it.

“Good girl. Then we wait until these other intruders are wrangled and sobered.”

–

When Dan woke up next, he saw a mossy stone ceiling above him, and felt satin fabric below. “Wh-”

“Good morning, sleeping beauty.” He heard a voice from behind him, and had a bowl of fresh-looking fruits placed on his lap. “Eat up. They’re fresh.”

“What- what about the salt pillars? And- and the ghosts and- everything was dead!”

“That sounds like a terrible dream, love. Simply atrocious.”

He sat up and rubbed his head, turning to the speaker. She looked strangely as if somebody had taken the man from the Lumentia Castle library, made him a bit shorter, stuffed a pair of oranges into his shirt, and covered him head to toe in roses.

“What… someone is… alive...”

“Oh, very much alive. Take a look around you.”

“Everything is normal and green… what happened?!”

“My dear, it’s bitterblossom season.”

“Well… what does that mean?”

“Bitterblossoms spore this time of year. The spore of the flower is filled with mescaline to the point where it’s considered an illegal drug. My dear, you’ve been tripping your absolute nads off.”

It took Dan a moment to register this, but when he did, he blinked a little. “Oh. So everything has been fine the whole time.”

“Yes, love.”

“We just gate-crashed.”

“Natch.”

“Damn it.”

“Would you believe me if I told you that you weren’t the first today?”

“What-”

“Easy now. Wake up a little. But we need to borrow the little healer for a while. She’s already at work.”

“Oh, that’s fine… hey, do you know where Ila is, I-”

“I’m right here, dingus.”

Dan jolted, then looked toward the door, where Ila leaned. Truth be told, she intimidated him pretty greatly. She was a very big, very strong lady and Dan was just some guy. He didn’t particularly want to be snapped like a twig for looking at her wrong.

“Oh… hey. So-”

“What was all that about the crystal? Why the hell do you need the kingdom crystal? Aren’t those important?”

“Well yes, but… apparently not in the way you think!”

“How, then.”

Dan, trying desperately to avoid eye contact, started on the story about being visited by Lilith, and the theory that Queen Lumentia had, ending with how every kingdom seemed to have had its teleporter crystal to Ethernealrus stolen.

“Huh. Well normally I’d take you to Dad with all that, but he’s on an amnesty trip to Forabaisti right now. What a time, with all the shit going on, huh. Well, tell you what, shortstuff.”

Dan grimaced. Sure, Ila was taller than him. But she towered over everyone. He was nothing special. But the grimace faded into surprise as she held out to him a shining green stone. When he took it into his hand, he felt a coolness much like he had felt as he walked into the kingdom, before breathing in the spores.

“I have no reason not to believe you. After all, not like it really does anything cooped up in that room.”

“Heh, yeah...”

“And you know what happens if you do something bad with that crystal, don’t you Dan.”

Dan swallowed hard and unconsciously rubbed at his stomach. “Y-yeah… yeah. I know. Yeah...”

“Good. Now I see you guys brought beach gear! That implies to me that you’re hankering to ask me to use the private beach. I’ll give you the forms on one condition.”

“...what are those?”

“First, let us finish treating the girl that broke in before you guys came in and gatecrashed. She was in a really bad way and it took some wrangling to get her to stay here, skittish thing.”

“Okay…?”

“Second, no nudes at the beach. Not after that incident with Angel and the weirdo Rusmor. I don’t really particularly want to see Shana come home with blood on her whip again, you know?”

“Well I would have hoped that was a given… But… still… got it. Anything else…?”

“And finally, third, tell your buddy with the stubble and the hood that no, he can’t have the royal dragon, and he most certainly can’t tape a reviver stone to Avani’s forehead to ‘bring her back’ and call her ‘Ryuuki’. All that means is ‘dragon’. It’s like calling your cat ‘Feline’.”

“...What?”