I first wanna thank you for sending me the thing that you did. I didn't expect a message from you, honestly. And I don't know why I am writing a response. Maybe it is because I have read yours dozens of times. You said that making any attempts would fix things, that it wouldn't feel genuine and I guess I understand that. That is not what I am trying to do here, at all. I just feel like you deserve this closure because I sure as shit know what it is like to have someone disappear and say nothing. You don't have to read this, you don't have to say anything back to me either. But here it goes.

You're right about me slowly turning into an asshole. I guess in the end I got too bitter about everything changing. Because it did. I called you brother for a reason. I loved you. Depended on you and looked to you. You were my rock, you taught me everything and helped me come along as a person. I don't know what I would have turned into if you hadn't helped me. I will always stand by that. Always. I had never been so proud to be someone's friend, to have an actual friendship that went both ways. I think the only hiccup we had was when you got frustrated about having to "share me" with someone else because for the longest time it was just US. And I miss those times a lot. I really do.

I can tell you when things changed. It was when you threw me under the bus. I don't think you understand how deep that really cut me. I don't think you understand what that did to me and to us. You chose West over me, the person who was supposed to be your brother. I know that you feel bad about it. I know that I put up a wall right afterwards because it hurt like Hell to see you not fight for me after swearing you would. Things crumbled and you picked your side really damn fast and it showed me that things weren't what I thought they were, what you said that they were. That's when things went wrong. That's when things started to strain between us and it got worse from there. We stopped doing things for a while. You stopped using blogs I loved but kept doing things with Red with West and it stung. I know that the writing game shouldn't dictate a friendship but I felt like I was being PUNISHED in those times. It progressed after I came back from my hiatus. When you didn't want me to remake certain blogs, to do certain things. I don't know how many times I tried talking with you and West about the Walkers but it was your guy's thing. Everything became YOUR GUY'S thing. Yeah. I was there. We were all friends, but I could feel the shift. I had hurt West badly. He never forgave me for that and I never forgave you for lying.

And then you two started dating. I lost my shit. Because I knew that was the end of it. I knew. I think that was when I completely shut down. When I stopped trying altogether, 100%. You guys got together and for a little while you just dropped everything and I got that. You bet your ass I found people, new friends to spend time with or I was going to go fucking mad. I had you and West. Two people. Two fucking people online and whenever I spoke to others or started things with them it apparently turned into me kissing ass for the sake of interaction? No. That's not fair. I have had ups and downs with people but I have worked with them. I have worked things out using the skills you taught me and I am sorry if it felt like all I did was come to complain. I stopped asking you how things were going because for weeks all you did was tell me you didn't wanna talk about it. Whenever something happened with Sims I was there to talk about it, to ask you how things were, despite the fact I had my own shit going on. Because that is what friends do. Don't say I didn't fight, that I didn't try -- because I tried stepping out when you guys started dating and from that point on it was an uphill battle I didn't have to fight. I download TW to watch with you. I enjoyed watching it with you and wanted to watch more but you were binging Bobs Burgers and I figured you needed something upbeat and silly. I have been ill. Eating puts me the fuck down. The night I laid here crying in pain and just wanted to do things with you only to see you and West on the dash talking about date night and making jokes about getting laid hurt like a bitch because we had made plans. I know I will come second to West, always. You made that very clear. I also knew it was stupid to get jealous and so I took a few days to myself. To calm down and think things over. Things got busy with Thanksgiving. Things got busy with me in and out of the hospital and dealing with my family hating me for being around Allie. I wanted to talk to you guys but it was all the same shit and I didn't know where to start so I went to bed.

I tried talking on Skype. I wanted to talk about Bonnie, the cat that had died, and tell you guys that I was thankful to still have you as friends even though things got rocky sometimes. That we could work things out and that I was going to try harder at a lot of things. That I was buying a treadmill. That a lot of mom's money problems went away. That I hoped you both had good holidays. But West snapped at me. Left the conversation. Then made the post about how he was only going to RP with you. I was crushed. And I unfollowed him. When I tried to talk to you this morning you literally said you didn't want to deal with it. I took that as a sign. I took that as face value, that you didn't wanna fight for anything either anymore and you'd picked your side again. I unfollowed you because it hurt to see you and West doing things like normal. Because I needed a break. Because I didn't know what the fuck else to do. And you know the rest.