Alice-CisMen

Ok, I'm now getting to a point where I will come out with my sexuality conveying that I want to finally trust people assigned male at birth who also have penises biologically between their legs:

IOW, Cis Men.

I've fought this for such a long time due to mistrusting Cis Men and even other Trans Women on a very very deep level, I have to end that struggle inside of me and accept my sexual orientation has fluidly changed.

And I'm still Grey Asexual in the sense of being demi-sexual and demi-romantic and demi-sensual, but I have masochistic needs to just get pegged silly by Cis Men that aren't being met.

I will seek out the ability to meet those needs.  The main reason I suppressed this is due to all of the massive abuse cis men perpetrated onto me throughout life, pre and post-transition, but far far more PRE transition.

When I was a child I was so visibly and pervasively femme it was utterly ridiculous, but not attracted to males, cis or trans.  Only attracted to cis females, that was it.  Eventually my sexual orientation fluidly changed again when I was in my early 20's, and now it's changed yet again, and I will be basically "Straight" in stupid conventional language, Demisexual (a form of Grey A) in non-conventional terms.

I can't fight this anymore, my need for dick and being dicked is so overwhelming it isn't even funny.

My gender hasn't changed, but my orientation IS changing, and trying to fight that is utterly pointless.  I just can't deal with this stress anymore.  I tried to resist it because I am so utterly terrified of people AMAB it's surreal, you have no idea.

When guys said to me growing up that they basically didn't give a shit about women and it was just "pussy" to them, I took them seriously, and still do. I heard what men would say behind cis women's back when they thought no one was listening... what they said about little girls, what they said about gays and lesbians, what they said about transpeople.  I heard all of that.

And because I heard all of that and due to how I was treated, it's literally impossible for me to take men seriously on a social level, and extremely difficult to take men seriously on a sexual level as well.  I know what cis females were saying too, can't remember how exactly, but I knew, and nothing they ever said about me or anyone else even remotely compared to what cis males were saying about them behind their backs.

I will never forget that.  But somehow I have to move past that and accept my sexual attraction to "Normal" cis men: cis men who don't cross dress, etc.  I've only ever had sex with cis men who crossdressed and drag queens and other trans women, since I transitioned, and I was terrified of all of them, but having sex with cis men who aren't CDs or DQs was something I just absolutely refused to do in practice, while being open to it in theory.

I now want to explore that in practice, to move past my terror and have a ton of sex, hopefully do porn work and work in a brothel eventually.  I feel like if I don't I may actually go back to imagining myself killing cis men and I don't want to do that.

If I can get pegged enough by cis men, I feel like I can "calm down" inside, and learn to trust them.  I've never had sex with a cis man that wasn't a crossdresser or a drag queen, so that will be a first for me....  I've only ever had sex with people assigned male at birth that were either DGs, CDs, other Trans Women, or GQ assigned male at birth people.  I've never had sex with cis men (regardless of orientation) who weren't considered trans themselves in some way by the main society.

I've had sex with about 16 people in my life, only two of them cis female....

I need to have sex with men (cis or not) who have no desire to crossdress, aren't drag queens, aren't GQ, etc.  And I need to have a lot of it before I lose my goddamned mind.

I just hope I can feel safe enough around such cis men to do this, THAT will be tricky, but I will work towards that goal.

I need to embrace this change in sexual orientation and not try to fight it.  I saw most cis men before I transitioned as utter garbage and filth, and still struggle with that view.  I need to rid myself of it.




-Sara
-Alice