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- FAQ:
- >Wait? Why is this all spoilered and undertexted? Is the last post also supposed to be spoilered? The story's out of order!
- This story is more of a game, meant to be read out of order. Scroll down to the last post, which will be the starting point (unspoilered). Each choice will send you a link, bringing you closer to one of several ends. Think of it as those Japanese graphic novels, with good and bad ends. Or think of it as those Fighting Fantasy game books you might have played as a kid
- (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fighting_Fantasy)
- >There's no unspoilered posts. Why are all the posts in black?
- WAIT until I am done posting if you want to play along (the start is unspoilered, which is also the last post.) I can't get around that since this is how 4chan links.
- >So, going up means that I get an ending. So if I go up to the first post, I can see the good end!
- Going upwards may not necessarily mean you're getting closer to a good end.
- >I don't want anyone to spoil what is going on.
- 4chan filter with my name/tripcode.
- >But FreeBeer, I want to read all the parts of this story.
- After you play along once, pick another path.
- >That takes too long.
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tree_traversal#Example
- Try the preorder traversal sequence.
- >What does this have to do with anything?
- When you make a bad choice, go back to the previous choice, and pick the next one. Do that until you run out and then go back to the choice before that. Keep on doing it until you ascend into omniscience because you will then know all the paths to everything.
- >Okay. I'm still confused.
- Wait until I put up a summary post just after the starting point of this story. It's meant for our fellow anons to post comments or questions about this game (posting on the PiE Skype chat is fine as well). Keep in mind that this story is meant to be treated as a game.
- >And what's the objective again?
- Get Anon to realize that bacon isn't a fifth food group.
- 21.
- I couldn't stick around any longer.
- "Sorry, Anon. This isn't exactly an emergency."
- "Well, it sucks that you're stuck on the farm. Maybe I'll see you later."
- It cost me a fair amount of bits for a round trip.
- Not likely that I'll be able to scrounge enough money to do so for a long while.
- And honestly, having Anon lie to me about the emergency made my legs ache for home.
- He was lookin' for an answer.
- I didn't say a word before I picked up my saddlebags and left.
- Anon just stood there, flabbergasted as I shut the door on him.
- B. It took a few years, but I finally got enough time and money to see Anon again.
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- B.
- Once I had calmed down, I tried sending letters to him apologizing for being a stubborn fool, but he didn't respond.
- Hopefully, a personal visit might open him up again.
- The way over to the Big Apple was a lot smoother than the last time.
- Especially when I had my brown paper bag handy when I took the taxi.
- The cold greeted me when I first knocked the door at Anon's place.
- Imagine my surprise when somepony else answered the door.
- "Who are you?"
- "I'm Applejack. You know, Anon's friend?"
- "A horse. Why would Anon know you?"
- "Can you just get Anon over here?"
- She slams the door.
- The next time I try, Anon answers it with a smile.
- He was lifting a dumbbell with one of his arms.
- When he noticed me, that smile of his didn't last long.
- "Why are you here?"
- "You look better this time that I've seen you, Anon. Why don't you let me in and we'll catch up on old times."
- "But I've got a girlfriend now. And a life."
- "That's great. So, why don't you let me in and we'll catch up on life. I can almost see my breath from here."
- "No. I needed you, and you left me alone with squats and oats there."
- "Who?"
- Anon took a moment to think. "Iron Will. It was hell going through with him."
- "Anon, I couldn't leave the farm just to help you lose weight. You understand that, right?"
- "I was in a funk. Instead of letting me explain that, you just left. I didn't hear from you until you sent these stupid letters."
- He flung my letters at me, unopened.
- That girl from earlier cradled her stringy arms around my friend while judgin' me with her eyes.
- "Why don't we go in, honey."
- "Sure babe. I'm done talking."
- I heard the click on the door as it closed, but my mind didn't recognize it.
- It took a slow trip back to Equestria until I realized somethin'.
- That Anon had moved on.
- "I guess that's how it ends then. See ya around, partner."
- BAD END
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- 23.
- "Where in the fuck you're going?" said Anon.
- "What's the point of sticking around here? I don't know that computer wizardry and I think it's best if I went back to the farm."
- "Stay."
- "Huh? Why?"
- "Because I love you, that's why."
- The two of us walked together, and embraced ourselves in a kiss.
- ***
- "Cut."
- FreeBeer was pissed off again.
- "This is absolute shit."
- The other people around the scene looked at him strangely as the actors playing Applejack and Anon started to walk off for another free break.
- "I want my agent. If I have to look at this retarded screenplay one more time..."
- Then one of the other workers on the scene pointed the name on the script.
- WRITTEN BY FREEBEER
- "I know that."
- Knowing he was fiddling with the forces of madness, he allowed the film director to vent some more.
- "My plot makes no sense. God, I hate myself."
- Applejack and Anon were hanging out in the water cooler.
- Anon mumbles, "well at least I know how to write an ending."
- NON-SENSICAL ENDING
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- 8.
- Anon was still tryin' to wiggle me off his back, but even with all his shakin', I got enough of a grip to jump off his flab like some kind of jello springboard.
- Well, I didn't mean to push so hard, but Anon was bucked backwards, throwing the pizza in the air, sticking it to the ceiling.
- Meanwhile, I flew in the air and ended up landing something soft.
- Anon wasn't so lucky.
- All sorts of red was leaking from the counter top.
- "Anon? Are you OK, Anon?"
- Of course he is not all right, Applejack. Blood's leaking all over the place.
- Normally I'd be the calm one in a situation, but he's doing an awfully good imitation of a dead person.
- Luckily, from what little Anon talked about his world, I knew enough to dial 911.
- After trying to muzzling the pocket and grab it by my teeth, I just ripped his jeans pocket off.
- No time for niceties. Just grab the cell phone and stay calm.
- You tried angling your hoof to press those tiny numbers.
- I'm sorry; the number you have reached is not in service, or temporarily disconnected. The number you have reached is not in service at this time. This is a recording.
- "Fiddlesticks!"
- B. Oh Celestia. This doesn't look good.
- B.
- You take a pencil in your mouth and start dialling again.
- "Please work this time. Please."
- After that, everypony and everyhuman knew what went on that day that I killed Anon.
- Because the whole thing was an accident, I was sent back home in exile.
- Celestia was furious and rightly so. She gave me a tongue lashing I would never, ever forget.
- Pinkie got hit the hardest by Anon's passing. She still won't invite me to her parties to this day.
- Later on, I read that human pizza among other processed foods became an illegal substance because of their high salt content.
- Luckily, Apple Strudel knows a feller who knows a human. They hooked me up with the good stuff.
- Because of my bad name, the farm fell onto hard times and I ended up supplementing my income with this opportunity.
- So if you want to ever get jacked up on Salisbury steak or frozen meatloaf, put a note on the barn and we'll talk soon.
- Don't worry about quality. I test my own merchandise.
- ----------------------PROHIBITION END-------------------------
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- 20.
- I wind the timer as Anon was watching game of thrones. Pie'll be done when it rings.
- --WINTER. WINTER IS COMING.--
- Estrus season was coming too in a few months. It didn't get easier either accordin' to last year.
- Doubtful that it's going to get comfortable this year.
- A few steps and I'm calm. My body tucks away its shame and I waggle it to show Anon that I'm in the mood for anything at the moment.
- "That's nice AJ."
- He shifts his legs and makes a pony shaped gap.
- Many things in the barn smell worse than his feet, but I jump over to his head and push HIM down to make some room.
- "Anon, I missed you."
- "Same here."
- He rested his head on my flank while I blushed a bit.
- It brought back all of those times that Anon and I were close together.
- "Is that comfortable, Anon?"
- "Yeah."
- We lie there together watching that Ned Stark feller chat with his young 'un.
- At the time, I was thinking it was awfully warm. This was even when I felt Anon's breath cool down my leg.
- "AJ, are you normally this happy to see me, or are you wet all year around?"
- Shoot.
- --DING-- goes the timer.
- "I have somethin' to tell ya Anon."
- "I know. Just shut up and watch the rest of the show with me."
- It didn't take much convincin' for me to stay and snuggle a minute or two.
- "Y-yup."
- B. And after Anon did his squats and oats, the two of you became closer.
- B.
- It was two months time that Anon was about to get weighed for the last time. He looked at me and I looked at him.
- My breath was startin' to take over me and I barely could hold myself together.
- It was what Cheerliee would call 'extra credit' and my body yearned for the chance when Anon would prove himself by hitting 150 pounds.
- At that time, I was hoping my body would wait until at least he proved his word.
- Anon wore nothing but his boxers when he stepped on the scale.
- I'd admit I was a bit too close.
- "That's no fair. If you keep on breathing on me like that, I don't know what I'll end up doing."
- "Neither do I. Think of it as marinatin' your meat with my scent."
- "We're not even sure that it's going to be on target."
- "'s not my problem."
- The needle waved back and forth when Anon stepped onto the scale.
- It veered to 159.
- Then 142.
- 155.
- 148.
- 151.
- 150.
- 151.
- 150.
- ...
- "Make up your darn mind!"
- In my anger, I smashed a hoof down right on the scale.
- "AJ, what the hell? You broke it."
- And broke it I did. The needle was twisted while the wheel went back to zero.
- "Gee, I guess we'll never know. Guess you can't call me a liar then."
- His body shifted awkwardly from my forwardness.
- As I moved forward, he went back against the wall.
- Little colts like him were unaware of how I am when my whole body aches for some cock.
- Imagine my surprise when his back hits somethin' solid and he turns on me.
- Drags me to the bed and drops me down.
- C. Have some sexy times. You earned it.
- C.
- His mouth didn't go for the kill.
- "Thanks AJ. I'm not really the romantic type, but I want you to know..."
- He was a bit flustered, so with the momentum gone from his end, I jumpstarted our coitus with my muzzle meeting his.
- Our tongues intertwined like two vines climbing with the same goal in mind.
- Neither of us held back.
- Both hands caressed my sides and down my thighs. Then up back to my sides again.
- Each hand sent shivers between me, meeting at the spine.
- Before I knew it, we had stopped kissing as my whole body was heaving with each breath.
- I'd admit that it was a bit nervous.
- Out of nowhere, I just breathed in front of his mouth, exchanging our passion together.
- This was how ponies kissed.
- Each breath sent a message to him and each of his breaths confirmed it.
- I love you, Anon.
- I love you too, AJ.
- He didn't show any signs of wanting to stop, so I leaned up and pressed my face around his, tasting the intensity of his scent.
- His eyes and mine met, staring into the wells of our souls.
- D. Go on...
- D.
- I felt a finger, then two finding their way inside, braving the heat.
- His fingers slide past my most tender spot for a second and I screamed aloud.
- "Don't tease me."
- He smiled while every time he moved his hand back and forth, he dodged that spot, taunting me, making me aware of my lie.
- The other hand of his scratched my ear, massaging that pure pleasure right into my skull.
- Both ends of my body were rubbed, teased, until he was satisfied.
- "That's for all of those squatting exercises that hurt like a bitch."
- "Oh. That's how it is huh?"
- I latched on with my hooves and wrestled with his body.
- It fell to the bed, bending its coils into a creak.
- "This might be your reward, but don't forget that I'm the mare in charge. I dish out the reward the way I like it."
- He became aware of my weight just when I kick off those boxers of his and level my body with his.
- Or rather both my bodies.
- My eyes started to play tricks on me, since everything went blurry on me.
- I would never forget our rhythm together.
- When I lifted myself, my privates felt the air around me like a breath of fresh air as my lust renewed itself.
- And when my flank came down, Anon knew who was boss.
- My insides would churn its way like an earthworm wiggling its way through my dirty womb one thrust.
- The next was simply pounding his peg inside of my wet hole.
- I'd surprise him with different speeds. Fast and hard, slow with a bit of finesse on my part.
- My body liked slow better, but Anon spaced out when I pushed myself. I compromised.
- "God, I missed you."
- "I missed you too, Anon."
- Both of us were at our limits. I had to make a decision.
- Fast or slow.
- E. Slow, so Anon can savour and marinate my pussy with his love.
- F. Fast, so he'll never think of ever going to another mare again.
- E.
- My body slowly descends one last time while he bastes me with his manliness.
- One last burst, and I brought myself up to pony heaven before coming back to Earth.
- It was bliss.
- Anon enjoyed himself too.
- "Fuck, I've never felt so good in my life."
- So do I Anon. So do I.
- Even as our glow fades, I go back to reality and start thinking of ways we could make a long distance relationship work.
- Each and every one of them wouldn't work because of the farm.
- With that sobering thought, my mind jumps back to squeezing one last blissful moment from what we had.
- I wanted to let you all know, that the two of us saw each other again.
- Despite our work keeping us separate, me and my lover kept in touch.
- While those times were spaced farther and farther apart, our love letters kept us in touch.
- Even when he found a wife, and I a stallion, our friendship kept us in touch.
- It just made me wish I could turn back time and try it all over again.
- And that fateful day, Twilight had finally mastered the time spell of hers, with enough energy for one pony.
- Dare I risk it. Should I bet the farm for one last fleeting moment of happiness?
- -. Start again (Go back to the beginning)
- -. THE END
- F.
- Both of us couldn't rightly remember what happened that night, except that it kindled our love for each other.
- The morning after, I could see clearly again while Anon was stuffing his suitcases full.
- Tells me he's moving back to Equestria, if he could manage to pull a few strings.
- His money couldn't be converted to Equestrian money yet, since Celestia didn't want to touch the world market.
- It didn't stop him from putting all his assets into a world bank.
- That's where you come in.
- I'm awfully sorry that this will isn't in fancy speak. The second envelope is for that.
- This is just to say that your great granny and great grampy both wish you the best on your new life on Earth.
- Needless to say, that little nest egg has grown into quite the little hen.
- Don't be a fool and waste it all now, you hear?
- It's too bad that we couldn't see you grow up into a fine young mare, Apple Gravy.
- I don't care what the others say about these new satyr ponies, you're still one of the family.
- Love,
- Applejack and Anonymous
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- 15.
- Standing on my forehooves, I slapped that shit Anon was eatin' onto the ground.
- "You're not eating another bite. In fact, I'm going to ride your ass so hard that you'll be begging for mercy."
- "Uh. So does that mean what I think it means?"
- "No. Get your mind out of the gutter. I meant, we're starting my regimen this second."
- The first step was to take pictures of Anon before my trainin'.
- We then agreed to videotape the whole training process on youtube as an extra incentive.
- ***ONE WORKOUT MONTAGE LATER***
- And then what did you know, he went viral.
- Here's the best part though.
- So did my apple diet, which I sent most of my apples from the border and labelled them as a 'therapeutic medicine.'
- Now, normally goods aren't allowed out of Ponyville except in medical emergencies, or if you're an element of harmony with the special shiny passport and everythin'.
- I think this fell under both.
- Soon, Anon was a lean, mean, fit machine while I exported enough apples to feed Ponyville twice.
- He got some bits as well doin' commercials for subway and their fruity subs made with genuine Ponyville Apples.
- As for my bits, well we never needed to worry about the farm again.
- The family and I could even afford a airship that was twice as big as Pink Lady had. That's how much money we could afford.
- Remember the pizza that Anon ate?
- I had it bronzed and hung up in my office.
- If it all ever came to be too much, Anon and I could arrange for a 'business meeting' together.
- So remember. An apple a day can keep the doctor away. But youtube money is gold.
- VIRAL END
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- 9.
- Screw this. I need my fix and one slice isn't gonna cut it.
- I crawl off him, dodge the Swanson dinner boxes laying on the floor and buck his front door wide open.
- What I remember next was me in some kind of storage room with a lot of empty pizza boxes.
- My head hurt from restin' on some cardboard, but I took stock of what was goin' on.
- Boxes. Lots and lots of greasy boxes.
- After pushing them out of the way, I tried moving the door.
- It wouldn't budge.
- There was some muffled talking coming from the door.
- Then I glanced up at the window and saw a human starin' back through the tiny, head sized opening.
- They eyed me like they'd never see a pony before.
- ***
- "It wasn't long after when the police came and took me away for minor theft."
- "And that was how I started on my downward descent, leaving my family and friends high and dry."
- "My name's Applejack. And I'm a filthy, filthy salt addict."
- "Hi Applejack," mumbled my support group.
- "Thank you kindly."
- When I finally admitted the truth, my eyes got a bit moist for the first time in months.
- Honesty can be a real bitch when you've been lying to yourself for so long.
- I had a lot of work to do.
- Luckily, I don't shy from that sort of thing.
- --------------REHAB END--------------------------------------
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- 24.
- Against my better judgement, I put the needs of my friend above my family.
- At least for a few days Applebloom and Big Mac would be fine.
- With all the mess around the place and Anon's attitude, I wasn't so sure about him.
- "Fine. I'll stick around a few days."
- I felt two arms around my body.
- Anon never hugged me before.
- "Thank you so much. You have no idea what this means to me."
- "Aw shucks. 's nothin."
- The mood was gettin' to me, so I turned my hat down over my eyes.
- After that little bit of bonding, the two of us managed to find Iron Will.
- Turns out, he stays out for 90 days in New York and then moseys on home to Equestria to renew his work passport.
- The few days after he was hired tried Anon's patience as Iron Will did his magic.
- Breaking him down.
- Those rare times that Anon took to rest, he cried in my coat while I whispered soft words to him.
- If he made Anon do this, how did Fluttershy feel?
- Yet, Anon insisted.
- "I need a swift kick in the ass," he said.
- It took a few weeks, but it was as if Anon slowly went back to his Equestrian days.
- Happier (for Anon at least), healthier and much more attractive to the human mares.
- Plus, he got himself an idea on how he could keep in touch with us.
- Like in his world, there was nothing in our immigration rules that say that he couldn't stick around in Equestria for a few months before headin' on back home.
- Celestia agreed to waive the fees sending him back and forth.
- I think she was just glad to get the opportunity to see him again.
- So he moved back to the farm.
- Just like old times.
- It's been a few years, but Anon's been doing fine.
- The clean air and the gentle townsfolk have made Anon a gentle giant.
- "AJ, Applebloom's been fucking around with the booze again."
- Well, about as gentle as he can get.
- "Dunk her head in some water a few times. Best hangover cure granny ever gave me and it'll be good enough for her."
- "Sure thing, boss."
- "Anon, don't call me boss... sugarcube."
- "Fine. Sure thing, my little apple treat."
- Our peck on the lips starts us off on another busy, sweaty, back breaking day.
- And I wouldn't have it any other way.
- AiE END
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- 3.
- Anon still looked at me as if I had three heads.
- What, was this is the thanks I get?
- After having my family work double time with the chores?
- All the while, those humans were prodding me with their noisy sticks, telling me to take off my horseshoes.
- You could forgive me if I went a bit crazy that day.
- The humiliation that I went through for this fool of a human is ending now.
- He walks over to the TV, ignoring me for some fat man with glasses clutching his knee.
- And I got an idea.
- My legs ready for a buck to the knee.
- "Ow. Goddamn, what's wrong with you?"
- He falls on the sofa, clutching it.
- His breath synched up with the man on TV.
- I stopped his protestin' by stuffing an apple to his mouth.
- Now he looked just like a pig.
- How he struggled like one too, but I know a little rope can go a long way.
- I even played a game to myself as I tied up his limbs.
- This little piggy went to the market,
- This little piggy stayed home,
- This little piggy had roast beef,
- This little piggy had none,
- Well, shucks. There's one limb left to take care of.
- "This little piggy went wee wee wee all the way to town."
- Time to let loose for once and have myself some fun.
- BAD END
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- 22.
- Hooves and mice don't mix.
- Turns out, that thing ends up breaking under my hoof.
- In a panic, I tried cleaning up, but a few pieces went under the desk.
- My hoof couldn't reach, and those chompers of mine didn't do the trick.
- So I got resourceful and taped one of those magnets to a stick, hoping they were metal.
- Not one of those wimpy magnets either.
- When the stick was complete, I reached under and pushed away some wires.
- That was when the computer started screeching.
- "Gah. My ears."
- Doubly so when Anon said some things.
- "What the fuck are you doing to my computer?"
- "Anon, I was just tryin' to help."
- He pushes me off the computer, all the while keeping that frown on his face.
- After a bit of investigatin', he finds the only damage is a few wires and his mouse. Luckily he had a few spares.
- "Don't touch my computers again if I'm not here. Got it?"
- "Yeah. Got it."
- "Do you want me to handle working on the computer for now?"
- "Sure."
- I wasn't exactly too pleased that some fancy gizmo had got the better of me, so I let him work his magic.
- "Ok, here we go. The /fit/ sticky. Been putting it off for a long time."
- As much as I'd like to know what was going on, it wasn't worth it.
- Figured that I'd grab my hat.
- It was best that I head back home, but when I was about to leave the front door, Anon shouted to get my attention.
- 23. What is Anon up to now?
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- 25.
- The only phone around here was the cellphone that Anon had in his pocket.
- So I walked up to him.
- "Anon, do you mind if I could use the phone for a second?"
- "What did you break this time?"
- "That's my line."
- He got up slowly and dug out the phone from his pocket.
- "Go nuts. Just don't call overseas."
- I go out to the phonebook and browse for a real professional for the computer.
- Or at least if I didn't smash my hoof against the phone. Loudly. With Anon hovering behind me.
- "Shhhhhhit. What the fuck did you do, AJ? That was a $600 phone!"
- "That's a lot of money, right?"
- "Aaaaaggh."
- 23. Apologize to Anon and then head back to the farm.
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- 16.
- "I can't even trust myself with your human food. How could I ask you to trust me?"
- "In a nice and polite manner."
- "Anon, this is serious."
- "So am I. And I was serious when I said that this was an emergency."
- "Why in tarnation would you summon me here then? Was it just because you're lonely?"
- "Going back home wasn't what I thought AJ. I need help from my best friend."
- To demonstrate, he waves his hand around the mess that he called home.
- Even a pigsty would be cleaner than this.
- "Well, you didn't need to exaggerate. I expected a life and death emergency."
- I was starin' to yell again while Anon just stood there, limply.
- "I'm goin' to find somepony to help you, Anon. But that's it."
- He stared at the oven as if it was the most interestin' thing in the room.
- "I could have done that myself."
- "Well, what was your suggestion?"
- He thought for a second before coming over to his computer.
- "There's this Iron Will guy. His bio says that he was a personal fitness trainer before he did assertiveness seminars."
- Didn't Rarity say somethin' about Fluttershy takin' his seminars too much to heart?
- But the website said he's been doing what he does for ten years.
- He can't be all that bad.
- "Where did you get that sort of information?"
- "I did his website. You think you're the only Equestrian that came here? He wanted the best web designer, so he got me to make a custom page."
- "Well, call him up. I can't stay away from the farm forever."
- "Aren't you staying here for, I dunno, moral support?"
- 21. "I can't afford it, Anon. The farm needs me. You understand, right Sugarcube?"
- 24. "I suppose I could stick around. But only a few days, mind you."
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- 18.
- Instead of waiting for Anon to get done, I got up on my hooves and headed down the stairs towards the kitchen.
- There, I took all the apples I had and started makin' apple slices, apple cocktails, and a less sweet version of my granny's apple pie.
- I heard foot steps as Anon sniffed his way over in his own silent way of greeting me.
- "Howdy Anon. Figured I'd do something about these apples of mine."
- That's not the only thing.
- He looks down at my.
- Oh no.
- Normally, us ponies are smooth under there, but when we get horny...
- We show off.
- "Anon, it's not what it looks like. I just needed to cool down some."
- "Riiiiight. I'll go back to the couch then. Let me know when you're done."
- Phew. That was close.
- I almost did something that I'd rather forget.
- 20. Nopony is here though. My family will never know. I could use myself as an extra incentive and get a bit of dick on the side.
- 21. Repress your feelings and leave this house forever.
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- 19.
- I'd gone through every cupboard, every shelf, but there was no sign of any books.
- Then my mind goes back to the time when Anon was talkin' about computers and I decided to try it out myself.
- After I spent 30 minutes just to get the dang computer on, the computer makes some whirring sounds, but that Tee-Vee for the computer isn't working.
- Took me another 20 just to realize that the Tee-Vee itself has to be turned on.
- Then it made a bit of a racket while it shows me a movie on some circles chasing each other and I see a huge picture.
- It's a photo of when Anon and I was helping the family build the barn for the umpteenth time.
- Seeing him smile was so rare, that I had to take a picture.
- I wiped the tears from my eyes and promised myself that I'd make him smile again.
- Then I start doing what Anon does and type in the keyboard.
- Nothin'
- Anon needs me, and I can't even work on a computer.
- 25. Fiddlesticks! I'm calling a professional for this computer.
- 22. Maybe if I used this mouse...
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- 10.
- Wait a applepickin' second.
- Why am I here in the first place?
- I saw myself in the full size mirror that hangs from his wardrobe door.
- What a sight I must be, latchin' onto Anon like some rabid mongrel.
- "I'm sorry Anon. It was the salt talking."
- He stopped shaking the moment I apologized.
- Anon looked right guilty as he gently placed me down.
- "No. The one who should be apologizing is me. I forgot about how much you guys liked salt."
- He looks at the pizza for a few seconds before shoving the rest of the slice in his mouth.
- Anon chewed half-heartedly as he looked himself in the mirror.
- 15. Anon's food is nothin' more than addictive garbage. I have to get him to break the habit.
- 16. Get Anon some professional help, but stick around a few days for some moral support.
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- 17.
- "Anon, I've got something for ya."
- "What is it. I'm busy sorting through my shit."
- From what I could see, Anon was taking his food and sorting the bad from the good.
- "You might as well send all of that there stuff to goodwill. Maybe another pony could use those calories."
- Anon didn't stop sorting or nothing.
- "It's person, not pony. Oh god. Is that a ticket?"
- He yanked it from my maw.
- "Fuck me."
- "Sorry. I didn't know you couldn't burn things here in New York."
- "What is this, Rush Hour 2? I become the sensible one and you turn into a goofball?"
- "I can't help it if your people shout freedom, but I can't even burn my trash. It's gosh-darn ridiculous."
- He scans the ticket further.
- "I'd better see results from my workout."
- "For your sake, I'd better. I'm losing money out there on the farm."
- Anon stood still for a moment.
- "Fine. I'll pay for the ticket and create some kind of a website for you. Maybe you could get some kind of business from the tourists or something."
- "Well, that would take the sting from what I'm doing."
- "Don't mention it. Just help me out here."
- After we cleaned the place and cleaned out the pantry, Anon insisted that I sleep on his bed while he goes to his sofa.
- "Half the time, I don't even make it to bed anyways."
- Unfortunately, his Tee-Vee was blaring up until past midnight as I tried pressing my pillow into my ears. I'm not use to such racket.
- Which gave me an idea on how to tackle Anon's bad habits.
- 18. Fix him enough apple and apple appetizers for a week. My saddlebags are stuffed with 'em.
- 19. Find something useful for Anon to do so he can see the results of his labours.
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- 4.
- That pizza didn't look that inviting, but I believe Anon's word.
- From his hand, I ripped myself off a piece with my teeth.
- The warm cheese stretched a bit before snapping back and wrapping around my muzzle putting the scent of salt into my nose.
- All of the meat, the cheese, and even the crust were loaded with salt.
- (Don't listen to humans who say otherwise, but Equestrian horses can eat meat. Just not a whole load of it.)
- I licked the leftover cheese from the bridge of my nose and started for another bite when it flew out of my reach.
- "Anon, I was just starting to dig right in."
- "That's exactly my point. It's addictive."
- It wasn't my most proud moment when I crawled up Anon's body just to take another mouth watering bite.
- He was swerving around, trying to shake me off.
- I wasn't having any of that.
- "Stop this Applejack. You're better than this."
- "Well, an apple for a pizza is a fair trade, Anon. If you'll cooperate, I'll give you all the apples in my orchard and you can give me the keys to your pizza farm."
- "AJ, this isn't you. You're not even making sense."
- Dang it. His rolls of fat don't give me much to work with. My hooves are sliding all over the place.
- But that pizza is so close. All I need to do is jump.
- 8. Jump!
- 9. Anon's just a distraction. I came here to find more of those amazin' hoof lickin' pizzas.
- 10. Look at the mirror and see how low you've become.
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- 7.
- How do you turn that Tee-Vee off so that the two of you can actually talk?
- Right. A button.
- I balanced it on one hoof and used the other to press something, hoping that one of them would shut down the Tee-Vee.
- A bunch of screens pop up as Anon pushes himself out of his stupor.
- "What the hell- Whoa. Whoa. WHOA. Not my PVR shows! AJ, NOT MY PVR SHOWS!"
- "Wait, what?"
- Goshdarn it, it was so hard to do this with my two hooves that it slipped out of them.
- Both of us swatted at the remote in the air, and before you knew it, I switched the channel to something ungodly.
- A woman was making weird moaning sounds as she was thrusting on the human stallion.
- Of course, the thing that said volume raised itself to 100 before the remote landed and broke apart.
- "GODDAMN IT APPLEJACK, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MESS EVERYTHING UP?"
- "WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU."
- Anon walks on over and pressed a button on the TV.
- Oh. That button.
- He makes it seem so simple.
- "What the hell. Now my remote's broken. Thanks, Obama."
- I wiped the sweat off my brow and looked up to see 200 pounds of angry human.
- He was staring down at me.
- "Anon, don't look at me like that. It was an accident."
- Unlike most mares in my situation, I stood firm against him.
- It WAS an accident.
- "You can fix it, right?"
- "No," he snapped. He was on his knees, rummaging for something with those hands of his. "My PVR shows are deleted. Now how am I going to catch up on Breaking Bad? I don't want to hook up the fucking desktop to my TV."
- He scowls at me while he managed to find and put some cylinders back into the remote.
- It took a few seconds for him to get back up.
- After he turns on the Tee-Vee few times, his face relaxes to his usual frown.
- "You know what, fuck it. I just needed an excuse to start working out. That's mostly why I got you here in the first place."
- It was like he read your mind, even if it was stupid that his emergency was using you as a fitness trainer.
- But you swallowed your anger, glad the two of you can agree to something.
- "Great. I'll get things prepped for tomorrow."
- 13. How hard could it be?
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- 13.
- It took a while cleanin' up all of that garbage, so I thought it'd be wise to burn it.
- The fire outside took hold mighty quickly 'cause of all the grease.
- I was just mindin' my own business, when I heard some sirens going on.
- Everything was a mix of red and blue before it went silent.
- One of the two officers looked at me right strangely and said, "Do you have a fire permit?"
- "What fire permit?"
- The other officer got in the way of the smoke trail, and tried to wave it off.
- "She's burning trash."
- "That's definitely illegal."
- "Burning trash is illegal? I did it all of the time back in Equestria."
- "Yes, it is mad'am or horse... lady."
- He nudged the other one.
- "Which one was it again?"
- The first one ignored him and ripped of some kind of ticket.
- "Sorry, I have to in this circumstance."
- I look at it on my hoof and the next thing I knew, the police were gone.
- It almost slipped out because of the sudden gust of wind.
- Where's a pegasus when you need them?
- But if Earth didn't have pegasi, then how do they control their weather?
- I shrug and put the ticket in my mouth.
- Now I've got nothing but a bunch of cinders and a fine to show for it.
- What I should do with this ticket? One of you humans might know...
- 17. Send it back to Anon with shame.
- 17. Burn the ticket and say that my dog ate it. Because I sent her here by accident and now she's gone and I'm trying to find her and- Fiddlesticks, I might as well tell Anon the truth.
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- 12.
- As soon as his fingers stopped their magic, I got up on my four legs while he still kneeled down on the floor.
- "OK Anon, I'll help you with your 'emergency'. But it's going to cost you."
- "All right. Do whatever."
- Well, that's all nice and fine. Let's see how you feel after I list my terms.
- "I want you to make a website for Sweet Apple Acres."
- "Sure."
- "Nothing from a template, mind you. I want my own customized website done by the time we finish trainin'. Don't you dare slack off on me either."
- I lost sleep because his letter made me worried for his safety.
- For all I knew, he could have been starvin' or under the yolk of some barbarian. The last thing I thought of was him scared of bein' a little on the heavy side.
- Here Anon thought that he's gettin' off easy just because we're friends.
- He started pacing a bit "AJ, a custom website is-"
- I cut him off.
- "-great for business. So it's a deal then."
- Unlike some fancy ponies, I signed with a handshake.
- Anon felt the same way and clutches his hand in my hoof, makin' it official.
- I step back a bit only to get my left leg in some kind of Chinese food carton.
- "Ponyfeathers."
- That reminded me the amount of work it'll take to get Anon on the right path.
- I'm wavin' and wavin' but the carton's just spilling noodles all over the place.
- "Darn it, my hoof's stuck. Anon, first thing I want to do is to tidy things up a bit so I'm not trippin' over myself."
- "Of course, darling. I mean just look at this horrid mess," mocked Anon.
- "If you have enough time to poke fun of Rarity, you have enough time to start some light exercise."
- 14. Clean up the junk with Anon so that fast food stench is gone.
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- 14.
- After a bit of cleanin' I found that idiot's out there stretchin' while I was dealing with his trash.
- "That's not what I meant by light exercise. Help me clean up this mess."
- After I called him out, we tidy up the place in about a day.
- He crashed on the sofa while I'm tryin' to think of something useful to do.
- And of course, he's got a pizza in his hand.
- What do I do now?
- 15. Slap that from his mouth and get him some real food.
- 19. Try to figure out a workout for him.
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- 11.
- Nopony's here, so I'll just flop on over and let his hands go down to my chest.
- I could just lie here all day and watch the fan spin around while he rubs my tummy.
- ***
- ***
- Nopony must ever know.
- 12. Time for some payback.
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- 6.
- Like a zombie, he crammed potato chips in his mouth and ignored me completely with a sour look on his face.
- The blinds were shut, and despite it was midday the place was darker than a cave.
- Those noises and light that came from the Tee-Vee seem to be hypnotising Anon.
- I decide to give it a chance and sit down on the chair next to him.
- After I get comfy, I look at the screen and see some cartoon guy on the Tee-Vee moving around.
- He looked more like a blob than a man.
- Actually, he sort of looks like Anon, if you squint really hard.
- Maybe Anon felt kinship with him or something.
- That cartoon guy moved in the Tee-Vee. I see him trip over the sidewatch and clutch his knee.
- *hisssss* 'AHHHHHHH'
- *hisssss* 'AHHHHHHH'
- *hisssss* 'AHHHHHHH'
- *hisssss* 'AHHHHHHH'
- *hisssss* 'AHHHHHHH'
- *hisssss* 'AHHHHHHH'
- *hisssss* 'AHHHHHHH'
- "Anon, what is this?"
- "It's a comedy."
- Some comedy. Pinkie would be rolling in her grave if she was, well, dead. Which she isn't.
- I heard the chip bag rumbling and Anon was chowing down on some more chips, wiping the excess grease on his stained shirt.
- Oh, Anon. Must everything you eat be loaded with grease and salt?
- 7. Turn off the TV and apologize to him.
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- 2.
- Anon still looked at me as if I had three heads.
- What, was this is the thanks I get?
- After having my family work double time with the chores?
- All the while, those humans from customs were prodding me with their noisy metal detecting sticks. They told me to take off my horseshoes!
- I was more than a little upset.
- "Anon, I can't afford spending a few hours a week just to travel to the post office and check what's going on. I was too busy working for a living, busting my back while you typed words into a computer. So you can excuse me if I don't have time to write."
- Anon tried squatting down, and gave up.
- Instead, he rested on his knuckles like a gorilla. He always liked to look at me eye level when we started arguing.
- His finger poked at my chest while he took in some air.
- "Look. You always find time to hang out with Pinkie and the others. Why didn't you spend at least one hour finding out if you could send me a letter? Hell, you could have fucking asked the princesses if they-"
- "Ask the princesses? Aren't you feeling a bit entitled? It's bad enough that I had to leave the farm. I can't just go to Celestia and ask her to stop running our country just so she can send you a letter and a pat on the head."
- "Entitled? The portal we set up linked our worlds together. You're one of the goddamn elements of harmony! Use that for once in your life and send me something to let me know if you're OK."
- The air feels weird around my ears as they pin back.
- Well, shucks. Anon was yelling because he cared.
- My cheeks got a bit warm.
- Anon gets back up and slowly walks off to the couch to sulk.
- He grabs some sort of rectangular thing and the thing that Anon used to talk about made some noise.
- What was it's name again?
- That's right. A Tee-Vee.
- 6. Let Anon cool down a bit as you sit down and see what he's watching.
- 7. Apologize so he doesn't have time to feel resentful.
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- 5.
- That pizza isn't going to fool me, Anon.
- Even if it is so salty that you could smell it in the air.
- I had to remind myself that Anon was my friend. He needed me.
- It took a bit of effort, but I shoved his pizza filled hand away.
- I looked at him right in the eye as best as I could.
- "Anon, I hate to see you like this. There's cardboard and grease everywhere. This whole place is a mess."
- A few poke in the flab should make my point.
- "And what's this? I thought we got rid of this back at the farm. It's gotten bigger and meaner this time as well."
- "Yeah. That."
- Anon look a step back and looked at the body mirror attached to his wardrobe door.
- "I didn't mean to be selfish, but I wanted to see you. I've tried eating healthy and saying fuck off to any fad diets."
- He sighed again.
- "Well, that's a start. Why, Apple Honey (who's my third cousin by the way) tried all sorts of fad diets only to get fed up on each and every one of them. It's nice to see that you've got some common sense."
- "Yeah. It's not that common for me, sadly."
- Anon started taking his hands and shaking, sending ripples throughout.
- "I'm going to miss you little buddy," said Anon to his gut.
- He turned around from looking the mirror and lifted my hat.
- Chills go down my spine when his hand rustles my mane.
- "That's the emergency."
- It's a bit rough, but it sure felt nice.
- "I don't want you getting mad, it's just that you're active and you can set me on the right path."
- The rustling was gone, replaced by his nails digging behind my ears juuuust right.
- Anon thinks I'll be more calm that way.
- I think I'll give him a piece of my mind, after he's done.
- 11. Milk it for all it's worth before giving him hell.
- 12. Stop that foolishness and start drilling into him healthy eating and exercise.
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- 1.
- When I wiped my hooves, I saw all those leftover pizza boxes and take out cartons littered around his house.
- He might be a sourpuss, but if I know Anon, he loves food. It doesn't take a long friendship to realize that.
- "Anon, I know sorry doesn't cut it, but what I always find what cheers you up is some apples."
- I take one of my secret weapons from my saddlebags and display it on top my hoof, ripe for the taking.
- He snatched it immediately and took a huge bite. His beard gets filled with juice, but he showed no sign of stopping until he was left staring at the core.
- Anon would probably eat that as well if I didn't nudge him out of it.
- He smiled at me, while his eyes were looking elsewhere.
- "Goddamn, I missed these things. If you'd ever tried one of our apples, you- Well, here."
- His fat giggled under his shirt as he started to move.
- I had to prop against the countertop to see him rummaging his fruit bowl.
- After a moment, he rooted out an apple and put it on the countertop against my nose.
- It looked all right what with its bright red color. A bit on the glossy side.
- No scent to it though.
- "I've been trying to eat these, but it's just doesn't compare to yours. Apples to oranges or whatever."
- When I bit down on that thing called an apple, it had no juice, no taste to it whatsoever.
- And when I took a bite, the flesh ground into a mushy paste in my mouth.
- I might as well have chewed on some dry applesauce.
- Anon held out a garbage container.
- "Ptoo! What do you humans even eat?"
- "Fucking garbage. You had me spoiled rotten, AJ."
- He then removes the bin and shoves a pizza in my face. Grease dripped from its tip as the heavenly scent of salt toyed with my nose.
- "Try this," he said. "Now this is American food right here."
- 4. Well, I do love salt. Maybe this once.
- 5. No, heck no. Anon, we're going on a diet NOW.
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- >A hardworkin' pony like me couldn't even trot outside my farm without some fancy lookin' human whippin' out an apple and callin' me a pretty pony.
- >I own a farm! I can get my own gosh-darn apples!
- >Those same humans weren't just tourists either. They're vultures that for land to buy.
- >All just so they can pester me and ask if they could comb my mane.
- >Luckily, our princesses don't give budge an inch on these wannabe immigrants.
- >I was just done shooing away some human family that was lookin' at my land a bit too closely when I saw Granny Smith.
- >She was walking slowly towards me, carryin' a letter in her mouth with a mighty determined look on her face.
- >When she passed that letter I knew why.
- "To Applejack, From Anon." >it said.
- >With my teeth, I opened the envelope as the whole family appeared beside me.
- >Everypony was readin' and came to the same conclusion.
- "Anon's in trouble. Again."
- >I knew that feller would get into trouble again even if he went home.
- >He gets in so much trouble and I'm the one to bail him out. Again.
- >Why does he need my help? I looked at my family and wondered if it's worth the risk.
- >Granny Smith tried to comfort me, sayin' that Big Mac and Applebloom could hold their own on the farm.
- >I just hoped that fool knew how much things have changed around here because of him.
- >Just then, a human tourist without warning petted me on the head.
- "Just who do you think you're touching?"
- >"Oh," he said, surprised. "I thought the brochure said that the ponies here liked to be petted."
- >I nearly blew a gasket.
- ***
- >They call this city the 'Big Apple.'
- >While on the train, I twisted my head left, right and upside down just to see it.
- >After the portal,
- >and the wait in line,
- >and the metal detector,
- >and picking up the luggage,
- >and playing 20 questions with a giant pink skinned idiot,
- >and spending the better part of a day on finding a decent taxi,
- >I finally drove off to the suburbs to find what was wrong with Anon.
- >To make things worse, in the car things got dizzy and then messy.
- >He actually thought it was funny when we stopped and he saw me wipin' the puke with a paper towel.
- >Made me want to buck him on the shin, he did.
- >I checked the number on the home and matched it with the one from the letter.
- >It was a decent house. Anon told me he was a web designer, so he didn't need to travel or get out much.
- >A few knocks on the door later and I saw the man that changed Equestria forever.
- "Holy posies. How did you get so fat?"
- >That just slipped right out, and I could feel my mouth scrunching shut.
- >What did you do to yourself, Anon?
- >"Yeah. Nice to meet you too, AJ."
- "I'm so sorry. It's just that it's such a surprise."
- >It was such a surprise. He must have weighed 250 or so pounds.
- "Well, you said that you wanted my help. I know it's been a while and we've haven't grown any closer from it."
- >"You didn't even write." I gave him a weak smile.
- "Postage costs a lot. It's not like we have any mailing system set up between us and the humans."
- >"Bullshit. I sent you that letter, right?"
- >Shoot! He saw right through me.
- >Before I knew it, my ears were pinned back and I stared hard my hooves.
- >"Look. Just come in and wipe your feet on the mat."
- >Anon's upset and I could understand that, but he needed to know that it took a lot from me to come over here.
- >What should I do? You fellers seem to know Anon better than I...
- 1. Try to calm Anon down with your southern charms.
- 2. Get Anon to be more appreciative. The family farm doesn't pay itself, you know.
- 3. Rape is ALWAYS the best option. (don't blame me, you chose it)
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