Ok, I'm literally shaking typing this out, but I need to know there is some sort of hope.

I need to give some background information.

I started getting my Computer Science degree back in 2005. I went away for college and was doing pretty well for the first year or so. The second year I started to fail some classes and came back and enrolled at my local university back in the Bay Area. Since I was doing so bad in school, I decided to focus on my side project that were more exciting. While working on these side project I continued to fail my classes, especially the higher upper division  CS classes (algorithm, data structures, Object Oriented Design). I just couldn't get through them, and at the time my attitude was "why are these important?".


Lo and behold, my side project start making money! All the sudden I'm pulling in $100,000k a year. I'm 21 and I have more money then I know what to do with. I say to myself "Fuck it" and drop out of college with awful grades. My attitude at this point is "I"m going to be the next Steve Jobs, I don't need school". Life is going great. I bought myself a new car in cash, moved out to an apartment with my girlfriend. Having the time of my life.

Here's the deal, the product I made that blew up, they were all simple clones of other games: Snake, tic tac toe, checkers, a fart app. I didn't do any actual "software engineering". Half the time I was just taking sample apps and re-skinning.

Now, my business starts to tank, clones can only stay afloat so long. I start getting worried and start looking for "internships", because I couldn't possibly qualify for an actual software engineering job. I end up getting one internship for 3 months, then I'm let go because they "don't have any more work for me". I'm nervous, I get another one. They also let me go after 3 months. I somehow land another internship and the same thing happens. This takes a HUGE hit on  my ego, I always thought I was a good programmer, but that's all I was a "programmer". I couldn't pass those damn algorithm classes and now I flunk every single interview whenever they give me one of those "algorithm puzzles".


Then I have streak of luck, I somehow land a jr. product manager position! I didn't even know what product management was. I get in there and I'm nervous as hell. I'm so used to equating work with "writing code" that the whole time I was writing specs I thought I wasn't doing any work.

I ended up holding down the job for a year and all I literally did the whole year was update a spec for a product based on the Sr. Product Manager's feedback. I never did research, I never provided "vision", i was literally just updated the specifications document.

I did the job for a year. Then I have a mental breakdown which my therapist says was a manic episode. I ended up quitting my job on a Friday, breaking up with my GF of 6 years, selling my car, cutting my lease on my apartment, and moving to New York City on the following Sunday.

I ended up spending all my savings going out drinking and partying for 3 months in NYC. I also got ride of my laptop and smart phone because I was tired of "Silicon Valley", I didn't want to be connected anymore, I wanted to live in the moment. I didn't keep up with any technology while I was in NYC. In retrospect I had no idea what the hell I was doing, but at the time I wasn't thinking about anything else. I was just being in the "moment". Eventually I realized what I did and came back with major depression and anxiety.

Right now I have about $2000 to my name. I'm sleeping at some friend's couches and I put myself in a really bad spot.

I'm in silicon valley, so all jobs are super competitive, I don't have anymore programming skills because I haven't programmed in years, I don't have a degree, and the most relevant  experience I have is 1 year of Jr. Product Manager in which I essentially just typed up a specifications doc. I didn't realize that Product Manager was such a damn competitive job, half the jobs are asking for MBAs and you have to be an expert of the product.

I went from having a nice $75,000/year job to literally nothing. I hate to say this, but my ego is taking a big hit. I never been in a spot where I was literally going to go broke. Even when I had my business I always had a nice amount saved up. When I had my PM jobs I was saving to buy a house eventually, but now I'm constantly paranoid that this is the end for me. That I'll never have a career again. How am I ever going to compete with all the folks with CS degrees? With all the Stanford, Berkley, and Harvard graduates. How could this happen to me? I tried to do all the right things: I went to school, I started a business, I worked, but in the end I got fucked.

As a kid I worked awful minimum wage jobs with my parents. My parents also sacrificed a lot so I could go to school and so I could have a better future. I feel like I just tossed all that away, like I let them down. I don't feel like trying anymore. I'm tired of this rate race in the Bay Area where even if you make $100,000 a year it's not enough. I don't want to try anymore, I can barley send out resumes and if I happen to get a job I'm paranoid that I'm just going to be let go or that I'm going to have another episode and quit.

The only thing I'm doing now is looking up online on how to end my life. It's scarying me, I've been depressed before but this time I've lost too much and don't think I'll be able to make it back out. My brain is telling me "good try, but it's over now".

Sorry if this sounds incoherent, but this is all that I can think about right now.