lupa

They tell us not to feed the Internet trolls.  I get that; feed them, they live in the glory of their name being mentioned like Gollum in the mere presence of The Ring.  Ignore them, they die.  But there are so many misinformed and uninformed trolls that I thought I’d focus on one little twit in particular and by doing so respond to them all.

Thank GOD that we have the ability to create content ourselves these days.  Now everyone can shit on the Internet and call us over to see what they did.  “Daddy, mommy – look – I made something.”

Speaking of that, Obscura Lupa, a “show” on blip.tv (obviously a company starved for any sort of content) purports to answer the burning question (that no one wanted answered, by the way) “Where is the next Mystery Science Theater 3000” coming from?

A. Ain’t here, folks – even if anyone beside some pitiful old geeks cared about that snore-fest, Miss Obscura isn’t capable of doing MST3K ‘s laundry let alone drinking their milkshake.  And, big news, none of this is original.  MST3K was – not OL1.


your hostess for mirth, allison pregler
Allison Pregler is the uh, what would you call it – genius – if you were blind, deaf, dumb, humorless, obvious, unimaginative and unoriginal, I guess, behind this (gack!) show.

Okay, the positives:
1) She’s (sorta) cute if you like that semi-attractive geek look – but honestly, what’s with that hair color?
2) She’s got a good voice and decent presentation.
3) She cuts video together well.
4) uh…okay, that’s it.

Allison has mentioned me specifically in her reviews of the movies I wrote in quite glowing terms:  “Hard to believe this is from the genius who wrote “Ghoulies IV.”  “Now who wrote this piece of garbage?  Mark Sevi.  Uh, oh, folks.”


I have a web cam and software – don’t fuck with me
I actually appreciate Allison’s take because, like a lot of uninformed and clueless reviewers, she has made me the producer (actually all of them,) director, film company executive(s), actor(s), set designer(s), CGI specialist(s),  modeler(s), camerman(men/women) propman(men/women), kraft fucking services and all the hundreds of other people who work on a film.  Oh, and don’t forget editor because when something is missing from a movie it *has to be* the writer’s fault.

Allison could not apparently conceive that there were gaps in Fast Getaway II’s story and it had to be a script problem, right?  See, it’s called editing – things that are essential and non-essential to a story sometime get left out because of time, pacing and other reasons beyond a writer’s control.  Check Wikipedia for a better understanding of that whole industry and job description, Allison.

What a wonderful world in which one little screenwriter has absolute control over films that by any standard don’t cost much (most were/are < million $$) but are certainly beyond the resources of most people.  Including Allison.

She solves this problem neatly, however, by propping a camera up on her iMac (you do have a Mac, don’t you?  You’d be that obvious, of course) and doing it all herself.  But, under those conditions, if something sucked, she’d really be the one responsible, wouldn’t she?

Gee.  If we could only find an example of her work that sucked frog…hmmm.

Baby Allison Making Poo

(Don’t worry, even if she takes it down I have a copy locked away in the who-gives-a-shit vault.)


nice outfit – are you in a 1960′s French movie?
But lets’ review the piece.  Allison, like a lot of people these days, thinks the world needs to see her face really, really close in an under-lighted, shaky camera way and that everything she says – no matter how trite, has simply got to be put on film.

And -

On second thought, the sarcasm really writes itself (and just as badly as hers does on O.L. – it’s called being obvious) so knock yourself out.

In fact, my lukewarm enthusiasm for taking this red-haired troll to task and strike a blow for all B-movie writers has faded like the non-erection I got from seeing her on video.  (You’re really only 22-yrs-old?  Some advice – start your Botox and plastic surgery fund now!)

Oooh.  Hey, easy, there, skippy – I’m kidding.  And I’m sure Allison would say something very similar to me if we were seated together on a plane and had this filmic-type of discovery moment about who we were to each other:

“I’m Allison.  I do a lifeless vlog called “Obscura Lupa” (what does that mean anyway?  Dark She-Wolf?  you’re fucking kidding.)  “I know, Allison – surprise – I’m the worst writer in the world according to you – Mark Sevi.”

Haha, we’d both laugh nervously and then I’d cover the awkward silence by touching myself to make her feel like she’s good enough, and attractive enough for film, damnit.

Now some of you may wonder why I’m attacking Allison’s looks and character instead of her work – simple.  Because to do so I’d actually have to watch her vlog and I do have standards even if she doesn’t – she really watches the worst shit…

BTW, calling yourself an actress, writer and director on IMDB is quite a stretch, isn’t it, Al?  Can I call you Al?


allison out of context – just like her reviews
Folks, we writers go into this business for a lot of reasons, one of which is a paycheck.  I’ll admit that I’ve seen a lot of cheese made from my work but if you’re going to judge a film by the writing you should first read the script.

Silly, right?  No one bothers to do that and I get all that.  It’s almost impossible to do and why work that hard when it’s just as easy to blame the writer for every piece of trash moment that ends up on the screen.  After all, he or she created it, so it follows like the logic of being able to see Russia from someone’s front porch.  Sorta like blaming God for idiots who review B-Movies. And I’m not talking about anyone in particular here (nudge, nudge, wink, wink to my readers – don’t worry – Allison won’t get it.  Too much subtext for her.)

Here was my process on a lot of the films I wrote:

1) Because I can deliver on a concept on time and within budget, I was hired to write these films among the tens of thousands of people who think they can write a script but can’t really.
2) I wrote said scripts.
3) Delivered them, as promised, on time and within budget.
4) Got paid.
4) Went home to buy hookers and blow.

You might also notice that I had a lot of sequel titles – does no one understand that when you’re writing a sequel you’re somewhat constrained to the characters and concept you’re handed in addition to the vagaries of the production company that owns the material?  And guess what, trolls – it ain’t easy writing a sequel – you freaking try it some day.

Imagine this meeting:

FADE IN:

INT.  CHEESY PRODCO OFFICES – DAY

Them: We want you to write Ghoulies IV for us.
Me:  What’s a fucking Ghoulie?

CUT TO: Three days later…

Them:  So what’s your story idea for this 4th in a serious of movies that seemed vacuous and silly to begin with and have gotten only increasingly more so with each sequel but from which we can make money?
Me:  Okay, well, we take the Ghoulies and -
Them:  Stop.  We can’t afford the Ghoulies.
Me:  But…they’re the title characters.  You want me to write Ghoulies IV without any actual ghoulies?
Them:  Yes.
Me:  Seriously.
Them:  Yes.  Why do you care anyway?  We’ll pay you.
Me:  Can I use those stupid midget characters at least?
Them: Them we can afford  Puppets no.  And we did mention we’ll pay you enough to pour prime-grade coke over some hot woman’s ass.
Me:  I’m on it.  (playa’ that I am)

As Mark leaves the office he makes a call from his 3-series BMW to the “modeling” agency that has that red-haired D-cup hooker so he can snort coke off her tight ass while he shits dialogue onto a computer without a care and with no attention to craft.

FADE OUT.

Note: Only the names have been changed to *protest* the innocent – this meeting actually happened as written and I approved the re-telling of it.  Except, there were no hookers or blow and I made car and rent payments with the money and bought my mom a refrigerator.  What a guy, right?  Although I did make the old woman store my crack in the fridge I bought her…

I mean, who’s gonna think she’s holding?


look what I can do - I'm an "actress"
Making any film is truly a fucking miracle – it’s more than Allison can do, it’s more than most of us can do although it has become a lot easier since the 90′s which is when I wrote a lot of the films that Allison loves to make fun of.  But honestly, I’m proud of them all – all – because someone thought enough of my skillz to actually pay me (notice the use of a “z’” to pretend to be really hip.)

Film companies like Cinetel and Image Org (now deceased) and American World Pictures can’t afford fuckup writers or film people – they hire pros, like me, to deliver a script that makes sense, works on many levels, and sells the investors so they can get the funding to make them.  It’s called “business.”

Maybe if anyone who put up shit (and I do mean shit) like Allison would take the time to understand that world, her reviews wouldn’t seem so…vacuous and tedious.  It’s easy to make fun of something; harder to understand it and comment on it with some insight.

This is her incisive edge:  “Oh, and you know, they’re not really pterodactyls they’re actually pteranodons.  And they’re not really dinosaurs, they’re reptiles, tee hee.  And I haven’t had a date – ever – because I know shit like that and I really do believe that anyone watching this movie on SyFy Channel gives a rat’s cock.”

And you know, Allison, those commercials you made for your channel – the ones about the ridiculous puppets who are really clumping, cat litter (how did you afford them?!?) – they’re pretty stupid.  I’m sure since you have total control over your channel you did make them so maybe you can change them and save us all some really stupid shit -

- uh, wha?  You *didn’t* make them?  You don’t have that sort of control?  Well, who fucking knew?  Why would I even bother to check?  But now I feel really bad.

Do you also wonder why I put all those photos of you in this article, Al?  It’s not because I secretly, luh, luh, luh – I can’t admit it, don’t make me!  Love!  There I said it!  So what?  It’s not because I love you, it’s because ANYTHING taken out of context and directed a certain way can be made to look or sound stupid.  Even you, you Internet minx.  BTW, do the curtains match the – never mind?

Allison, Doll Face, get a fucking life.  Write something and try to sell it – see how far you get and then stick your overly-enhanced hair on the screen.  You may actually then appreciate the work involved in this business instead of acting like a baby who has finger-painted her vomit on a wall and wants the Museum of Modern History to open an exhibit to how clever she is.

50 episodes!  Yay!  And all you had to do was change outfits and hit the “clone” button on the iMovie software.  Congrats.


watching one of Mark’s films – true!
It may be (easily) argued that I’m putting far too much emphasis into this – that the channel is a joke and the movies are a joke, etc.  But you know, even if I don’t care much what anyone says about my writing or films, it still does sting a bit (I’m crying inside even if you can’t see tears.)

Sniff.

I do get the final laugh, though.

Trolls, all of you – thank you for mentioning me since every time you do, my rating on IMDB goes up and that makes my dick harder than quantum physics (I had another analogy in mind but it’s racist and I don’t want the county that owns our country to hack my IMDB page.)

Allison, let me leave you with one final thought:  If these movies- all of them – are such crap, what in the world are you doing watching them?   Really.

Oh – it’s for a *reason* you say?  To make *money* or to get your *name* out there – to do something that you really love that involves self-expression?

Fuck – you know something, I really understand that.  I do.

Now do you?