hope

She forced me into this. I think I have every right to be mad.

But as mad as I am, as pissed as I am that I can’t die, and that I will never have a normal life again, that I lost literal months to a psychotic break that she caused… I can’t hate her.

Why?

Why can’t I bring myself to hate?

Is it codependency? She was the only one I had for a very long time. The only one I thought I could rely on. That changed when she got into the game. She grew distant and fickle and bitter. And I wonder if I was ever more than just a pawn in whatever great plan she had.

I probably wasn’t anything to her.

I’ll certainly never be anything to her again.

So why, Anesid? Why can’t I hate? That must be such a weird question seeing what you told me about troll culture. But I can’t do it.

I can’t make the love go away.

I feel like I want to. When she brutalized me on that bed, well.. right now it feels like she killed the nice, kind me and left a bitter cockroach motherfucker behind who’s sick of being nice and compliant.

But I know that’s not true.

I should’ve never taken that swing at her. But I should’ve. I don’t know what to think. I’m still broken.

What do I even do.