How to become dutch

To become dutch you will need to perform the sacred ritual of 'spijkerpoepen'. However, the circumstances need to be right for it to work.

Get the following ingredients:
1. Buy 1kg of potatoes, 750g carrots and 500g onions as cheaply as possible.
2. Mash it all together until it looks like dehydrated vomit and keep it near, you will need it later.
3. Get exactly 5 grams of weed. Mix it half of it with 100ml seawater and put it in as many syringes as needed. You will need all of it.
4. Use the remaining weed to roll a joint.
5. Get your hands on a living herring, keep it in a bucket.
6. You will need an empty bottle, a nail and a small rope.

Now it is time to prepare the room in which you will perform the ritual.
1. Make the outline of a windmill using burning candles.
2. Smear the deydrated vomit you prepared earlier out roughly in the middle, in the shape of the Netherlands.

Now you should prepare your body and mind.
1. Paint your head red using cowblood.
2. Paint your torso white using milk.
3. Paint your legs blue by using blue paint. Yes. Paint. The dutch are practical and level-headed.
4. Stand in the windmill.
5. Start smoking the joint, inject the seawater/weed mix directly in the bloodstream at the same time.
6. Make sure you have the herring, bottle, nail and rope at hand.

When you are finished smoking and injecting do the following.

1. Speak these words: 'Prins van Oranje, spreek tot mij.'
2. A ghostly figure should appear. He will reply: 'Noem mij maar Willy'.
3. Offer the herring to the spirit and say this: 'Leer me de kunst van het spijkerpoepen Willy'.
4. The spirit will say: 'I can hear you are not dutch, we'll speak english no problem.'
5. He will say this with a terrible accent. Never say anything about his bad english. Let the dutch live in the illusion they are good at languages.

Now you will need to perform the real 'spijkerpoepen' ritual. The spirit will tell you how to do this. Dutch people will refuse to explain it to outsiders. If we do we are banished to Belgium.
Do everything the spirit says. I can only say you will be tested for all the vital skills of a true dutchman. When you succed, a portal to the King's palace will open. Go in and you will become dutch.