Assorted oneshots and shit

Last updated Feb. 11, 2013
Other stuff will show up here as I come up with (and post) dumb things.

-Anon bitched about there not being any stories and I remembered someone asking for Celestia getting brushed, so this oneshot happened-
>It's bath time!
>You've been looking forward to this all day
>You felt exhausted, and the warm water was calling out to you
>You dip a hand in
>Aww yeah, just the right temperature
>You could almost hear its siren call...
>"ANOOOOON!"
>Wait, that wasn't your bathwater
>"ANON, YOUR PRINCESS NEEDS YOU!"
"What did she do this time?"
>Your bathwater will probably be cold by the time you get back
>With a sigh, you pack your emergency kit and put on some clothes, then plod off to Celestia's room and knock on the door
>"There you are!"
>You walk inside, the guards giving no indication of interest in what you're doing
>Celestia's mane is a fucking mess
>She's got gum all over her mane and coat
"What the hell happened in here, Celly?"
>She fixes her gaze on the floor
>"I had an accident with that stuff you gave me."
"I can see that. Honestly, didn't I tell you to be careful when blowing bubbles?"
>"I was being careful! But I got distracted and it got so big, and- and it won't come out!"
>She whimpers
>"Please help."
>You sigh and take a seat on her bed
"Alright, get over here."
>She scoots over and lays her head on your lap
>You pull out your comb, a jar of peanut butter, and a towel, setting to work on de-gumming Celestia
"Celly, please pay more attention to what you're doing, next time. If you don't, and you keep getting gum in your mane, I'm going to have to take it away."
>"Sorry..."
>Some careful working and minimal painful tugging later, and she's finally gum-free
"Alright, Celly, you need to go wash up. And make sure you lather your shampoo thoroughly on the gummed spots before rinsing it out."
>"Okay..."
>She still looks kind of down, though
"Tell you what. When you're done washing up, I'll give your mane and coat a nice brushing, alright?"
>Her face lights up at that
>She pulls you into a hug and kisses your cheek
>"Thank you!"
>She happily trots off to her bathroom, humming a tune
>You shake your head
>Such is your life as the royal mane stylist

-Someone posted a "But Thou Must" gif in the AiE threads, Anon requested a story to go with it. They got this from me (and Lulzies did something, too.)-
>"WHAT did you just say, Anonymous?"
>Celestia has an incredulous look on her face
>Luna steps forward, barely able to contain her smug grin
>"Oh yes, Anonymous, perhaps you had better state it again for our dear Sister. She seems to have become hard-of-hearing in her old age."
>Celestia shoots her younger sister a death glare, but quickly turns back to look at you
>You sigh
"Come on, age doesn't have anything to do with it. Look, I'm sorry, Celestia, but I just like Luna more, alright?"
>"But- but- I bring the Day! My sun's light helps the crops and plants grow! Wh- how? Why her?"
>Celestia gives you her best sad puppy eyes and pouts
>You remain unfazed
"Well, for starters, I enjoy the night much more than I do the day."
>Celestia's ears droop
"It's not nearly as hot at night, the sky is more interesting to look at, and most of the snooty assholes around Canterlot are asleep and out of the way."
>Luna stifles a giggle at that last part
>Celestia glares at her sister again
>You tap her snout with a finger, grabbing her attention again
"There's also the simple fact that gazing at her celestial body won't damage my eyesight, unlike with your sun."
>Now Luna is all but bouncing in place, no longer trying to hold back her grin
>"Do you hear that, Sister? He enjoys our celestial body!"
"Yeah, and your moon's nice to look at, too."

>Celestia's eyes shoot back and forth between you and her sister
>Luna titters before standing on her hind legs, placing her forelegs over your shoulders
>"Oh... Is that so?"
"Yep. You know what else I like about your night?"
>"Tell us, Anonymous."
>You gently pull her closer
"Even when it gets cold, that just gives you an excuse to snuggle up with someone and get... warm."
>Celestia's jaw drops, and she starts stammering
>"B-b-but you must love me, Anon! E-everyp0ny loves me! D-don't you love me?!"
"No."
>Luna rests her head on your shoulder
>"It's nearly time for us to raise the moon and bring Night to Equestria, Anonymous... would you care to join us?"
"Yeah, let's go."
>You pick up the surprisingly light princess and make your way out of the room, carrying her in your arms
>Celestia shouts at you
>"BUT, LUNA DOESN'T EVEN LIKE MY LITTLE HUMAN!"
>Luna calls back to her sister
>"We find we are acquiring a taste for humans! Good Night, Sister!"
>Today was a bad day for the president of the My Little Human Royal Fanclub
(This was actually something already in-progress but that gif+request helped me finish it, so thanks, Anons)

-In response to one of Lulzies' posts regarding ponies hatin' on Anon for eating meat being stupid-
>"Speak, then, Anonymous! Tell us what foods you CAN consume, so we may welcome you to our fair Equestria properly."
>The dark blue Alicorn smiles warmly at you, as you try desperately to remember the food pyramid. Why the fuck didn't you pay attention in school?
"Uh, well... we humans typically eat grains, fruits, vegetables, milk and other dairy products, meat, and... fuck, what was it they called it? Fatty stuff? I don't-"
>Luna takes a step back from you, a look of disgust on her face
>"Did you say 'meat', Anonymous? You would slay the living to sate your hunger for flesh?"
"What? No, I-"
>"Tell us why we should not end your life right now! Why should you not pay for the lives you extinguished in search of a meal!"
>Her eyes are glowing now, her horn leveled at your chest as she takes deliberate steps toward you
"I- uh, I don't-"
>"You cannot even argue your case? Very well, I shall- *snicker* I- *hee hee hee* I SHALL..."
>Luna collapses to the floor in the throes of a fit of laughter, the glow fading from her eyes
>It would be kind of cute if you weren't still half terrified right now
>"You should have seen- *gasp* the look on your face!"
>You frown as you wait for her to get the laughter out of her system
>She sighs contentedly, regaining some composure as she stands up once more
>In a blink, you find her standing next to you, a wing wrapped around your shoulder
>"Come, let us go get you a steak."

-In response to the Skype AiE text chat talking about Japan in general-
>Anon is banished to the moon
>Luna's totally cool about it and lets him stay in her moon castle
>all the signs in the castle are in an unreadable language
"Hey Luna, this stuff doesn't look like Equestrian script. What is it?"
>"'Tis the language of the moon, dear Anonymous."
>Anon thinks for a second
"Wait. You're telling me... Equestria has moon runes?"
>"Um... indeed?"
"..."
"sugoi"

-From a random /mlp/ thread (OP post is quoted now for your convenience):-
"During a particularly boring night, you and your favorite pony decide to crack open a barrel of hard cider. Usually, they are very polite and ask normal small-talk questions about your life back on Earth, but tonight, the liquor is making them brave, and they begin to ask more intimate, dangerous questions.

1) What is the 1 question you are hoping they don't ask
2) Assume you are too drunk to lie completely...what do you answer with?
3) Their reaction to your answer?"

And the story response:
>"Are you... attracted to my sister?"
>Luna stares at her drink, expression unreadable
>Are you really going to answer this?
>She probably wouldn't drop it, even if you both sobered up the next morning
>You have to
>Be cool, Anon
"Pfffft, yeah. Definitely. Who wouldn't want a piece of that ass?"
>Oh shit
>What the fuck are you saying?
>That's not how you be cool, Anon!
>Her expression shifts to one of... disappointment?
>"I... see."
>She downs her drink in one gulp
>"You should... you should ask her out. She'd love it."
>You might be drunk, but even you can tell the smile she's put on is strained
>Fuck
>You can still salvage this, be cool, and don't fuck it up this time
"Why would I want to do that?"
>She stares at you, confusion etched into her face
>"You just said-"
"I know what I just said, I said 'why would I want to ask Celestia out'?"
>Keep it together. Be smooth!
>You lean over to her, put your hand on the side of your mouth, and in your best stage whisper, you utter
"Besides, I think her sister's way more attractive."
>She's blushing, shaking her head, trying to hide the grin she's sporting with her forelimbs
>"You... impossible charmer."
>You smile, putting an arm around her and pulling her close
"So, wanna go out tomorrow?"
>She fails spectacularly at hiding the gasp she makes to your touch
>"...Yes, I would like that very much."