Writings of a Stimulated Mind

Written on the 31st of July 2014.

I wish I could say I'm the person I wanted to be. I wish I didn't disappoint myself, but most of all I wish I didn't disappoint the people who care about me.

My entire life, nothing I did has come to greatness. It seems like I'm doomed to only be above average, never exceptional.
I can't say I have an explanation for that, it could be that I've never had enough passion about anything to get to the point where I can finally say I'm the best at that one thing.

It could be that even though I've always been told I was smarter, more capable, that I had more possibilities than those around me, that's not the truth. I do feel smart, but Dunning-Kruger is a bitch, isn't it?

My mind drifts and wonders, it goes all over the place, to the point where not even my imagination is a stable construct, keeping my mind in focus is impossible. Methylphenidate was the best thing that happened to me. Actually, it wasn't, but at least it was the best thing that I didn't fuck up. It was also the worst thing I've ever had in my life.

I told myself I'd not be addicted. I had enough belief in my self-control to think it wouldn't happen. But when I had to make the decisions, when I had to choose to stop or keep binging, the euphoria and feeling of invincibility always won me over. Plus, it kept my mind off what made me the saddest.

In the beginning, I worried about my heart rate, about getting addicted, about tolerance, about the anxiety. Now, all I worry about is crushing another pill to keep up the high.

Even playing games on MPH, Team Fortress, League, you name it, I feel godlike. Anything is within my reach, there's nobody out there that can beat me, there's nothing that can stop me. Working at 100% capacity, or more, I don't know, is a feeling like no other for me. I honestly don't know if most the euphoria comes from the drug itself or what I become capable of doing with it. The only thing better than this feeling is being loved, but since I don't have that, drug-induced happiness will have to do.

Speaking of which, here goes another 5mg line, and a nice, smooth Camel after that.

Done, plus another 0.5mg of those deliciously pink chill pills.

Lately, MPH, Camel and alprazolam have been my life.

Honestly, MPH makes everything better. Weed and MPH might just be the best drug experience I've had. Massive energy, both mental and physical, and every psychedelic thought becomes ten times more complex, explorable, intricate, and most of all, it all comes out of my mouth in such a deliciously smooth way, all I want to do is talk, talk and talk some more. An explosion of psychedelia in every direction, and intricate introspection if I want to have it.

I never thought stimulants were for me. Then again, I never thought love was for me either (was wrong on that end, but hey). Clear thought process. Easily focus on whatever the hell I please. Euphoria and maximum productivity. If I could choose one drug to be high on forever, with no negative effects, it'd be MPH. I still don't quite know what long term abuse leads to, but I have to find out.

These pink bars go so well with my beloved 10mg bundles of energy, they're like yin and yang. The anxiety is gone, worries are flushed away, only problem is that I do get sleepy when I miscalculate how many bars I take. I think 0.5mg is enough, but at the same time I'm worried about tolerance, and I'd rather make sure I feel it than not take enough and feel like it did nothing.

Right now, I think the perfect high is 10mg MPH oral, immediately followed with 10mg sublingual, then 0.5mg alprazolam, then a 10mg line.
But there's one combo that trumps everything for me. The Holy Grail: 20mg sublingual, 10/20mg line, depending on how sped up I want to be, 10mg oral washed down with a beer, a fat joint or five, then drink 2/3 beers over time. Maybe throw in a 10mg line in there.
I can already feel tolerance building though. I need chelated magnesium, that's supposed to reduce tolerance somewhat.

You know what they say about drugs, you'll always chase that feeling you got on the first high. I can't quantify that high, but feeling so much raw power, so much potential, such euphoria, the pure joy of fragging the everloving shit out of anyone unfortunate enough to join the same server as me while Kill 'em All blared in my ears...
That's one of those moments I wish I could go back to. To live that again, to have that sense of amazement as I got higher and higher, seeing where this compound took me, hitting shot after shot, dodging everything anyone threw at me, having the reaction time of a squirrel on speed, I loved every second in those seven hours of Team Fortress.

Psychedelic, mind-bending drugs have their place in my heart, but this... This "god-mode" pill that left me clear headed and better in every way, this is my favorite drug. And this is something I buy in a state-run pharmacy.
If I had smoked weed before this, this wouldn't be about what it turned out to be. Deep thoughts, complex ideals, mind-bending issues would be all over this, just as articulated and clear as now. That's something I never felt, thanks to my ADD, or ADHD, whatever it is, my inability to focus. Everything is easy, everything makes sense, everything is interesting.

I hope one day I feel this good again without MPH, but honestly I feel like that'll never happen again.

I can't wait until that dumb little festival, I really can't. I don't know what my friend thinks about this kind of thing, but I guess I'll find out eh? I think most idiots there won't know what stimulants are, I'll give them a taste and basically be trading off the smallest amounts I can for hash, weed, heck I'll even sell it if I get the chance.

The other festival though... That'll be the real shitfest. Honestly, I think most people will be turned off, and that's perfectly reasonable considering how fucking amazing this is, and how easily I got addicted to this incredible feeling. But I'll try to share it with as many people as I can, if they're not interested, that's fine and I won't pressure anyone. I want people to know what this is like though. I don't want to sell this stuff or anything like that, but if the opportunity presents itself, I'm no fool.

All nighters aren't an issue, sleep doesn't even cross my mind unless I'm up for an unreasonable amount of time, and even then I'm pretty sure that with a bigger dose that'd be fixed right up.

The only downside I really hate about the superman pill is the increase in heart rate. I don't like to have 160bpm be my normal heart rate. Actually, that's not the only downside. This shit is so unbelievably mooreish. All I want is more, more, and then some more, and it's insanely hard to stop binging on the shit. In fact, the only thing I've had that's hooked me this much was... Well now it's nothing. At least I know I won't fuck up a visit to the pharmacy.

If you read this, and I'm not around any more, I love you and I'm sorry.